


Mirror, Lie to Me

by fallingaparttohalftime



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Codependency, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gay Sex, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relapsing, Smut, Stalking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:54:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 98,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29236392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingaparttohalftime/pseuds/fallingaparttohalftime
Summary: Ryan has a secret he’s been hiding from everybody but he’s so deep in denial he can’t even admit it to himself. He doesn’t want to see the walls he’s spent years building up start to crumble.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Sarah Orzechowski/Brendon Urie
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	1. Secrets To Keep

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains depictions of eating disorders as well as descriptions of past child abuse. If you’re triggered by either consider this your warning.

Ryan has a dirty little secret. He doesn’t even want to admit it to himself but, when all he can hear is the ringing in his ears as he spits what little he ate for lunch into the toilet it’s kind of hard to ignore. He flushes the toilet and leans back against the wall of the stall. He purposely picked the bathroom furthest from the dressing room just so he wouldn’t be caught. Heaving a sigh he pulls himself to his feet and grabs his makeup bag off the floor beside him. 

If anyone asked he’ll just say he needed to do his makeup in peace because Brendon would not shut up about some new game he discovered and was trying to goad everyone into playing with him. He brushes his teeth to cover up any vomit smell before finishing off his makeup. He dusts on a bunch of powder to set it before putting his supplies back in the bag. He checks his phone. He still has twenty minutes or so. He hopes no one was sending in the troops to look for him. 

He uses his canned excuse when Zack finds him in the hallway. He shoots him a glance like he didn't completely believe him but let it go. He tells Ryan they have to hurry if they didn’t want to be mobbed cause they were about to open the venue doors.

Once back in the dressing room he stuffs his makeup bag back into his backpack. He grimaces as Brendon holds out half a chicken salad sandwich to him. “No thanks.”

Brendon frowns a bit. “Cmon, dude you ate like two bites at lunch today. You must be hungry.”

Ryan shakes his head. “You know all that mayonnaise will just turn my stomach. Do you want me to get sick on stage?”

Brendon shrugs and rolls his eyes. “Suit yourself.” He takes a bite of the sandwich as he goes back to the catering table to grab a bottle of water.

Ryan plops down on the couch and tries to busy his mind with thinking about anything but their impending show. It was dumb of him to think that playing live had to be just as easy as recording. What the hell was Pete thinking, signing a band that never did a live show a day in their lives? The anxiety tightens in Ryan’s gut the same way it has every night on this tour. He glances around at his bandmates and wonders how they’re so unaffected by this. Especially Brendon, he’s noticed, the boy seems to love the spotlight. He performs with an ease that Ryan envies.

Brendon is singing along to his stereo as he warms up, Spencer’s in the corner tapping away on his drum practice pad, Jon is changing one of the strings on the acoustic he always keeps in the dressing rooms. But Ryan, he’s off in a world of his own. He wishes he has even half their confidence. 

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the crowd screaming. The opening act must’ve just gone on. A giant digital clock on the wall by the door shows the time and a countdown till they go on stage. With every passing second, Ryan feels like his chest might just cave in. 

Spencer presses a bottle of water into Ryan’s hands. Ryan jumps a bit and looks. He tries to uncap the bottle but hasn’t realized until now how bad his hands are shaking. 

Spencer twists the cap off and hands it to him. “Still got stage fright? I figured it would’ve worn off by now.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Well obviously it hasn’t.” He takes a sip of the water. 

“I don’t know what you’re so afraid of. We all know the show. It’s the same one we do every night. Except this time we’re in Utah.” Spencer drops down on the couch beside him. “Anything I can do to help?”

Ryan shakes his head. “I’ll be fine once we get it over with.”

Spencer puts a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “Take a deep breath, man. I promise it’ll be alright. We’re on top of the world right now, try and enjoy it a little.” He gives him a smile as he gets up. “Drink your water.”

“Yes, mom.” Ryan has to resist another eye roll. He knows Spencer means well. He always does. It’s just hard for Ryan to believe he deserves any of that blind devotion. He wonders if Spencer has just stuck around this long because he didn’t know any better, or if he actually cares. His mind drifts to the too many sleepless nights curled up on the floor of Spencer’s room because he needed somewhere to hide from his dad.

He doesn’t really register the flurry of movement at first. Someone threads his in-ear wire through his shirt and tapes it to his back before clipping the pack to his belt. Someone else grabs him and rushes him to the side of the stage with the others. He hears the roar of the crowd chanting “Panic! Panic!” A tech loops the guitar strap over his head and gives a thumbs up. Before Ryan even knows it, he’s squinting into the blinding spotlights as they walk on stage. He grips his guitar, white knuckled, as he steps up to the mic. He hears Spencer in his earpiece counting them off for the first song. Ryan’s body just starts on autopilot. He tries hard to not let his anxiety show to the audience, but he knows he probably looks ridiculous. 

He tries to remember to stay in character when Brendon does his usual spiel and walks up to him. Brendon notices how pale and flushed Ryan looks. Ryan stiffens as Brendon pulls out Ryan’s earpiece to ask if he’s okay. Ryan just gives a small nod. Brendon kisses his cheek and continues on with the act. It doesn’t stop Brendon from sending sideways glances at Ryan whenever he gets the chance.

By the end of the show, Ryan feels like he’s run a marathon. He hands off his guitar and they all start walking back to the dressing room. Since he is at the back of the group he glances one way, then the other. The hall to the right is empty, save for road cases lining either side. He sneaks away down this hall and finds a back fire exit. He just needs some fresh air to try to clear the cobwebs from his mind, and maybe to stop the damned shaking. He leans against the cool brick wall and closes his eyes when he hears the chain link fence rattle and some girls shout his name. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone, so at first he pretends to not hear them. All he wants is the silence of the outside to fill his mind. He decides after a bit that he doesn’t want to appear like a total jerk though, all these people did just pay to see him. After he heaves a sigh, he walks over to the dozen or so fans clustered along the fence. He manages polite greetings and a few smiles as cameras flash in his face. He signs the ticket stubs and scraps of paper shoved at him through the fence.

Ryan hears the back door slam open and slightly angry footsteps approach. Someone grabs him by the arm. Ryan jolts and turns to see it’s Zack and he looks pissed. More so than usual. 

He lets go of Ryan but nods back towards the building. “Get back inside.”

Even though he knows he’s probably in shit he was kind of glad to be saved from anymore awkward fan interactions. He give a sheepish wave as he follows Zack inside. 

“That was really stupid.” Zack lays into him once they are inside and out of fans’ earshot. “Dude. Don’t fucking take off like that without telling anyone. If you want some fresh air or whatever fine but I can’t keep playing hide and seek with you multiple times per day. And you can’t just go out there by yourself. It’s a security risk. Those girls will rip you apart given half the chance and sell the pieces on eBay.”

Ryan sighs. “Sorry.”

Zack nudges him back in the direction of the dressing room. “Get your stuff. Bus call is in ten.”

Once back, Ryan collects his bag and sits by one of the vanity mirrors. He takes out his makeup remover wipes and tries to get off what he can. There’s still a bit of liner smudged around his eyes but he can’t bring himself to care. All he can think about is curling up in his bunk and passing out.

He jumps again when Brendon comes up from behind and grabs him by the shoulders. He wonders why everyone feels the damn need to grab him today. Can’t they see he doesn’t want to be touched?

Brendon smiles at him in the reflection of the mirror. “I’m gonna watch a movie in the back lounge. Wanna join me?”

Ryan pulls away from the touch and throws the spent makeup wipes in the trash. “I don’t think I could stay awake if I tried.”

“Cmon. I’ll keep you awake.” He pokes Ryan’s side with a sly grin.

Ryan knows what that look means. He knows it well from so many nights secreted away in hotel rooms. He knows what Brendon wants but it doesn’t mean he has to give it. “Honestly I’m super tired.” 

Brendon pouts and crosses his arms, acting a little like a spoiled child. “Don’t be a party pooper.” He leans in to whisper into Ryan’s ear since the others can’t hear. “Maybe I’ll just have to fuck Spencer instead.”

Ryan rolls his eyes, not taking the bait. “I don’t think Spence will go for it. I think he at least has some standards.”

“But you don’t. C’mon. Just for a little bit. I’ll make it worth your while.” Brendon winks.

Ryan caves and he shoves his makeup bag back into his pack. “Fine.” 

Brendon’s face brightens. “Let’s go then. I already called dibs on the back lounge.” 

Ryan follows Brendon past the rows of bunks and through a sliding door to the back lounge. It is small but cozy. But more importantly it’s the only room on the bus with a lock. A fact Brendon likes to take full advantage of.

Brendon sprawls himself across one of the couches as he turns on the tv and starts browsing the movie selections. He choses one at random. It doesn’t matter since they won’t be paying much attention to it anyway. He moves to sit in Ryan’s lap, and captures his lips in a real kiss for the first time in days. He doesn’t understand Ryan’s fear of what they both so obviously feel. He wants to be with Ryan. He wants the whole world to know it. He always wears his heart on his sleeve. 

Ryan however, doesn’t. He’s long built walls around himself so tall he didn’t think anyone will ever see over them. He knows Spencer just deals with his bullshit because he’s used to it. Brendon is the only one to ever call him out on it. It scares Ryan. He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. He doesn’t like feeling at the mercy of others. That’s just how he’s managed to keep himself safe for all these years. He’s scared to admit he loves Brendon because he knows deep down he can never be what Brendon truly needs. He tries to shake the thoughts and just melt into the kiss. This he can do. He lets his hands slide down Brendon’s back until he reaches his hips. He tugs the other in closer as he deepens the kiss.

Brendon pulls back from the kiss with a soft moan. He runs his hands up under the front of Ryan’s shirt, cool fingertips on the warm skin of his chest. “You’re so tense tonight, baby.” He moves to kiss at the other man’s neck, pausing to nip lightly over his pulse. “Let me help take your mind off it.” He murmurs against the soft skin at the join of Ryan’s neck and shoulder.

Ryan closes his eyes and tries to focus on the feeling of Brendon’s lips as he works his way down to the collar of Ryan’s t-shirt. Ryan wordlessly lifts his arms to make it easier for Brendon to take it off him. He can settle into this routine. This part is easy, automatic. He tugs at the hem of Brendon’s shirt, he wanted the focus off him and onto the other man. 

Brendon strips off his shirt and tosses it off. He looks at Ryan with want and desire in his eyes. He knows they can’t get away with much on the bus without getting caught, but he always loves pushing boundaries. He presses one last longing kiss to Ryan’s lips before he slides off his lap and settles on the floor between Ryan’s legs. He bites his lip and glances up at him as he works his belt and pants open. He nudges Ryan to get him to lift his hips. He smirks when he realizes that he isn’t wearing any underwear and Ryan’s hard cock springs up to greet him. He barely has Ryan’s pants to his knees before he can't resist anymore. He wraps his lips around Ryan’s cock head, he brushes his tongue over it in the manner he knows the other man likes.

Ryan bites back a moan. “Oh, fuck.” He gasps as he fists a hand in Brendon’s hair. He swears he’ll never get tired of that feeling, of how Brendon knows just the right ways to drive him wild. He tries to keep himself quiet as he rocks his hips up to meet Brendon’s mouth. He knows he probably won’t last long at this rate. Not with how tired he is and how turned on Brendon has him.

Brendon, spurred by his soft moans, only speeds up his pace. He wants to draw more out of him. Part of him kind of wants the others to hear. He doesn’t know why Ryan is so ashamed of this, of them. How anyone can be ashamed of something that makes them feel this good. He lightly rakes his nails down the supple skin of Ryan’s inner thigh. He wishes more than anything that Ryan would let him mark it up, truly make him his. 

Ryan gasps and tightens his grip on Brendon’s hair. He tries to ignore the thought of how disgusting Brendon must think his thighs are. He doesn’t stop him though. “Getting close.” He warns.

Brendon pulls off him with a slick sound, a dark look in his eyes as kicks off his pants and settles back into Ryan’s lap. He gathers both their cocks in one of his hands, pumping both of them together. He silences all the pretty noises that spill from Ryan’s mouth with a messy kiss. Ryan is like putty in his hands as he comes undone, hips stuttering as he spills over Brendon’s fist. Brendon’s own climax follows not long after. He breaks their kiss as he pants softly. “Better?” Brendon asks with a smirk. 

Ryan looks up at him with wide eyes and a tired smile and nods. “Much better.” 

Brendon kisses him one last time before he pulls back to clean them up best he can with a handful of tissues. They are both a bit dazed as they get dressed before anyone can barge in on them. 

Brendon sits back down next to him and glances up at the TV, at the movie they are supposed to be watching that was now like half over. He sighs and looks back over at Ryan. “I’m tired of hiding.” He says quietly. “I’m tired of only being yours when it’s hotel rooms, closets and bathroom stalls.”

Ryan stiffens a bit and doesn’t meet his gaze. “I know.”

Brendon frowns. “That’s all you’ve got to say? That ‘you know’?” 

“I’m sorry that this just doesn’t come easy to me. If you wanted easy you should’ve picked someone else.” Ryan looks down at his hands in his lap.

“But I don’t want someone else.” Brendon defends. “I want you. Even if you’re a fucking asshole about it.” He sighs. “I don’t get why we can’t at least tell Spence and Jon. It’s not like they’re gonna treat us any different. Haven’t I at least earned that much?”

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s not about how they see us. It’s about everyone else. Do you really want every interview for the rest of our careers to be people asking us which songs are the ones with the ‘gay subtext’?”

“No.” He replies. “But I’m not ashamed of who I am. I don’t get why you are?”

“Try being raised catholic. They pile on enough guilt to last a lifetime.” Ryan shrugs.

“When are you going to stop caring what others think and just do what makes you happy?” Brendon asks

“Caring what others think is kind of part of our job.” Ryan rubs at his tired eyes. 

“Caring what people think of our _music_ is our job. Caring what people think of our love lives isn’t.” 

“One day we can. I promise you.” Ryan looks up to meet Brendon’s gaze. “Just not right now.”

“You’ve said “not right now” for the last year now. Let me ask you something Ryan, when exactly is a ‘good time’? Cause it feels like never.”

Ryan pulls away and stands up. “I’m not doing this fight again. I’m too tired. I’m going to bed.”

“That’s your problem.” Brendon crosses his arms. “You want things but you’re never willing to fight for them.” 

Ryan knows he’s right, he just ducks his head as he slips past the door and goes to his bunk. Brendon doesn’t understand because he never can understand, he tells himself. Brendon had a decent upbringing. He has a family that adores him even if they did kick him out for a bit when he decided to pursue music. They took him back. They still care. All Ryan received when he told his dad he wasn’t going to college and that he joined a band, was the beating of a lifetime. He’s pretty sure he still has marks on his back from where his father took the belt to him. He pulls the blankets over his head and shuts his eyes tight. If he’s lucky maybe sleep will just be kind to him tonight. 

Turns out, he doesn’t get that lucky. He wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting. His mind is fogged with a nightmare he can’t remember yet can’t quite shake. He feels sick to his stomach. He slips out of his bunk and is careful to try and not wake anyone as he stumbles in the dark to the bathroom. He drops to his knees in front of the toilet in a well rehearsed motion. He doesn’t spit up much other than bile. He hasn’t eaten anything so there’s nothing to bring up. He knows it’s probably sad that just the motion of this brings him comfort now. He knows that means he’s gone too far. That he should stop and ask for help. But help is the furthest thing from his mind as he lays himself down on the cold tile floor. His eyes feel heavy as they drift closed. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s like that but it can’t have been long because someone is knocking on the door. He hears a sleepy voice. “Dude are you okay? Did you throw up or something? Cause it sounded like it.”

Brendon. Because of course it is. 

Ryan peels himself off the floor and flushes the toilet. “Yeah. I’m fine. Go back to bed.” He knows purging on the bus is a risk. It’s one of his rules and he broke it. He leans over the sink as he rinses his mouth out and splashes some cool water on his face to try to bring himself out of his daze. 

Brendon is waiting for him outside the door. Because of course he is. He presses the back of his hand to Ryan’s forehead, trying to feel if he has a temperature. “Are you alright? Did you come down with the flu or something?”

Ryan swats his hand away. “I’m fine. Venue food just didn’t agree with me.” He lies. 

“I’m pretty sure you never even ate any of the venue food.” Brendon’s expression looks even more worried. 

Ryan takes a step back from him. “It's not like you’re watching me every second of the day. I did. I had one of those ham and cheese sandwiches but it was kinda warm. Must’ve been sitting out too long.”

Brendon gives him a look that says he doesn’t buy his excuse. “Are you sure?” 

Ryan just nods and starts heading back to his bunk. He climbs inside and starts to close the curtain but Brendon stops him. He slides into the bunk behind him and presses himself to Ryan’s back before shutting the curtain the rest of the way. He wraps his arms around Ryan’s waist. He sighs softly as he settles in. “You would tell me if something was wrong, right?”

Ryan closes his eyes, trying to shrug off the conversation. “I told you I’m fine. Stop worrying.” He vows to himself that he’s going to have to be more careful about hiding his little “issue” because people are catching on. He knows he can’t let them. 

Brendon frowns a bit as he rubs Ryan’s side. Ryan turns to bury his face in the pillow, effectively ending the conversation. Part of him wants to just roll over and tell Brendon everything. But the other part of him just knows that if he peels away his shell to expose all his dirty insides, Brendon will run. They all do in the end. He pretends to be asleep until he hears Brendon doze off behind him. He turns in his arms and rests his head on Brendon’s chest. He lets the soft rise and fall of his breaths ease him into sleep, almost like a lullaby. He stays like that the rest of the night. Thankfully, the nightmares leave him be. 

* * *

The next day, once Brendon is out of his bunk, he takes out his black notebook from the depths of his bag. He flips to one of the last few empty pages. He fills in his numbers from the day before and starts a new entry with today’s date. _‘NEW RULES:’_ He’s lost track of how many similar entries he’s made over the years. 

_1.) no purging on the bus or in shared rooms. Nowhere where it’s too risky to get found out._

_2.) from now on, eat whenever the guys eat. Take at least one thing from the catering table. Take a sip of water between each bite. Wait at least an hour to get rid of it to avoid suspicion._

_3.) time to come up with better excuses._

_4.) fast every other day if possible._ He sighs as he reads it over. Now he just had to stick to his own advice. He hides the notebook back away and gets out of bed.

He makes himself a coffee, black of course. He rifles through the fridge to find something small to eat. Yogurt? No, too hard to purge. Toast? Same thing. He settles on an energy bar out of a box he finds in a box in the cabinet. He flips it over to glance at the label. 240. A bit much for breakfast. Maybe he can get away with only eating half. He gives a small smile as Brendon sits across from him at the table with a bowl of sugary cereal. He wonders how Brendon can eat so much junk and still look so good. He feels like he explodes just eating an apple. 

“Whatcha thinkin about?” Brendon asks between bites.

“Oh.” He shrugs and takes a bite of the energy bar. “I was just zoned out. Haven’t had enough coffee yet.”

“Is that chocolate chip?” He points to the bar in Ryan’s hand.

Ryan gives a small nod. “Yeah. I think they’re a little stale though.” He takes a swig of his coffee.

“I hear we have three interviews today. One of them has an acoustic set.” Brendon tells him as he gets up to make another coffee.

Ryan waves his finger in a circle. “Whoopee. Can’t wait to answer the question “who didn’t close the goddamn door?” for the hundredth time...this week.”

Brendon chuckles. “My personal favourite is when they ask what we think of the “emo” scene. I mean, do I look like Pete Wentz?”

Ryan hides half the energy bar in the wrapper and sticks it in his pocket. On the way in to the radio station building he casually tosses it away. He smiles when no one seems any the wiser.

The radio host seems way too chipper for this ungodly hour of 7am. He wonders what kind of rock stars do 7am talk radio. Or worse yet, who listens to it? He sits down in an office chair next to Brendon and moves the mic so they can both speak into it. 

He somehow resists banging his head on the table when the host cracks a joke about ‘closing the goddamn door.’ They awkwardly laugh like they haven’t heard the same line a million times during this tour alone. Ryan mostly stays quiet unless he’s spoken to directly. He tries to keep down the thought that he feels like a background character in his own damn life.

The second interview later that day has a catered lunch for them. Ryan initially shies away but then he remembers his new rule #2. He picks a fruit cup and a turkey sandwich. Everyone’s too distracted to notice the way he alternates each bite with a sip of water. The interviewed smiles as she walks up to them. She shakes each of their hands as she introduces herself.

This time one of the questions asked does catch Ryan’s attention. “This one’s for Brendon and Ryan. There’s a lot of fan speculation on if you two are an item. Are the rumours true?”

Ryan glances over at Brendon, the other man looks just as unsure of what to say. “No.” He lies. 

“Who’s the lucky lady.” She asks, wondering if she’ll maybe get a headline out of this mess of an interview after all.

“I don’t kiss and tell.” Ryan tries to pass it off with a joke.

When they get back in the van, Brendon has a sour look on his face as he gets in the seat next to him. “So when do I get to meet the girlfriend?” He rolls his eyes.

Ryan sighs, not wanting to have this fight in front of everyone. “Look in the mirror.”

“Are you saying you wear the pants in this relationship? Cause no way.” He finally cracks a smile and playfully punches Ryan’s arm.

“What are you saying you’d rather see me in a skirt?”

Brendon thinks for a moment and then shrugs. “Actually... that might be kind of hot.” He whispers.

Ryan feels like he can’t roll his eyes enough. “I fucking hate you.”

Brendon smirks. “I didn’t hear a no.” He teases as he files that thought away for later. 

“Absolutely fucking not.” Ryan protests. 

* * *

Ryan is starting to really loathe this anxiety he can’t shake before every show. He loves making music, it’s the ‘standing in front of a few thousand people while you bare your soul’ part that he can’t stand. He feels every eye on him even if he knows that they’re probably focused on Brendon. It’s his words that the crowd sings back at him every night. He’s sure they don’t even know what half of them are about. He assumes they wouldn’t show up if they did.

He has too much time to think, locked all by himself in this dirty arena bathroom. On the way back to the venue they stopped at a gas station. Ryan mumbled something about needing to stretch his legs. He may or may not have purged into their dumpster out back. He’a. quick enough that he thinks no one’s suspicious. At least he won’t have that weighing him down while he’s on stage. He fixes his attention back on his makeup. He can almost forget about the show as he works on the intricate bird pattern trailing down his cheek. Zack knocks on the door. Tells him it’s time.

With a deep breath he gets up. He checks his costume one last time in the mirror before he leaves. Before they go on stage Brendon tells him his makeup is really pretty. He’s glad he put on enough to cover up the way he blushes. 

* * *

It’s been a few days and Ryan thinks Brendon is finally getting less suspicious of him. He doesn’t shoot him looks at every meal anymore. He doesn’t shove food in his face and ask him to eat it. Even Spencer doesn’t think twice in asking him out for lunch or whatever. If that means his purge counts go up then so be it. Ryan’s so used to pretending anyway.

He’s disappointed though, when he next steps on a scale. It’s one of those stupid coin operated ones in a mall bathroom that prints off a fortune with your weight. He’s gained three pounds. He steps on it twice just to make sure. It pretty much sours his mood for the rest of the day. He shuts himself off from everyone and hides in his hotel room. He’s glad Brendon is out because it means he can get rid of his lunch without feeling too guilty about it. He turns on the bathroom fan and curses himself for breaking one of his rules yet again. He’s never been good at sticking to anything. He hopes the smell will dissipate before Brendon comes back. He sprays a bit of air freshener just to make sure.

Brendon comes back a couple hours later and smiles as he drops a paper bag in Ryan’s lap. “We went out for burgers. Figured you’d be hungry by now.”

Ryan tries his best to force a smile. “Thanks.” He takes a deep breath. He doesn’t really want to break two rules in one day. But he knows if he eats it there’s not getting rid of it tonight. How much weight was he bound to gain from just this meal alone? He took his time unpacking the meal. A greasy plain cheeseburger and an overflowing box of fries. When he glances over he notices Brendon is already busying himself with the TV.

Half. He tells himself. He’ll only eat half. Then he’ll make some excuse about being tired and ‘save the rest for later.’ If it gets forgotten in the hotel mini fridge then whoops, oh well. 

When Brendon notices Ryan’s done with his dinner, he shifts into the other bed with him. “It’s been a few days.” He murmurs before leaning in to kiss him.

Ryan lets his eyes slip closed, just enjoying one of the rare moments he feels safe in his own skin. He reaches a hand up to cup Brendon’s cheek as he deepens the kiss. Brendon relents easily as Ryan climbs into his lap. 

For a brief moment he thinks that this is exactly where he belongs. He has someone that cares about him probably more than anyone else. He knows he feels the same in return. He just can’t put a finger on why he doesn’t feel worthy. He breaks their kiss, resting his forehead against Brendon’s. He can feel that Brendon is already hard beneath him. He wonders what the hell Brendon sees in him. Clearly it’s something if it keeps drawing Brendon back no matter what. 

Brendon moves to flip them over but Ryan stops him. No. Tonight he wants control. He shushes Brendon with a finger pressed to his lips. Brendon tries to fight it a little, but Ryan takes his wrists and pins them above his head. The looks Brendon gives him, that wide eyed stare, lower lip trapped between his teeth, it stirs something deep inside him. He can’t resist. He rolls his hips against Brendon’s, just to watch his reaction. His moans are music to his ears. He wonders if he can get him off just like this, tease him past the point of no return without ever even taking off their clothes. 

Brendon has other ideas though as he pulls his hands free from Ryan’s grip. He pushes up Ryan’s shirt halfway. “C’mon.” He runs his hands over Ryan’s sides. “Wanna see you.”

Ryan just pins them back down. “Not yet.” He teases. “You’ve gotta work for it.” He hovers over him, kissing at his neck. He smirks when Brendon tilts his head, allowing him more access. He starts to work Brendon’s shirt off but Brendon stops him.

“If I have to then you do too.” He whines. 

They don’t swap places often. Ryan knows Brendon is kind of a stubborn bitch and likes to be in control but tonight, Ryan has the urge. He wants to take just a little of that control away. He pushes Brendon’s shirt up further. “Good things come to boys who wait. Now, arms up.”

After pouting for a moment, Brendon finally lets him take his shirt off. Ryan wastes no time. He trails his hands over Brendon’s chest, stopping briefly to brush his thumb over one of his nipples just to gauge his reaction. The pleased whine that follows makes him smirk. “So pretty, and all mine.” 

“That’s what you think.” Brendon says as he finally succeeds in flipping them over. He silences Ryan’s protest with another kiss. 

* * *

Ryan’s even more upset the next time he weighs himself. Not only had he not lost the weight he’d put up but he’s gained two more pounds. He vows to himself to not eat anything for the rest of the week. He thinks ought to be enough to get this all off of him. 

He feels even more uneasy as he puts on his costume for the show that night. He feels like his pants are too tight in all the wrong places. He’s half convinced one of the seams will break while he’s out there in front of everyone. He can almost see the fan blogs talking about it now. They’ll tear him apart, call him disgusting. They’ll all see Ryan for the monster he truly is. 

Brendon comes up for him from behind, draping his arms over Ryan’s shoulders and rests his head atop his. “Pete’s coming to the show tonight, are you excited?” He asks.

Ryan just shrugs. “I guess. I mean he’s probably just coming so see what all his money is paying for.”

Brendon chuckles. “He’s throwing us a big after party at Angel’s and Kings. Well I mean it’s not all for us, it’s also Patrick’s birthday but we’re invited so…”

Ryan sighs. “I don’t know. You know I hate parties.” They’re always too loud, too bright, people are always too handsy. 

Brendon looks a little saddened. “Cmon. It’s all people we know at this one at least. I promise it’ll be fun.” He gives him a puppy eyed look. “You can watch me eat my weight in cake.” He says, almost sing-song.

Ryan rolls his eyes. “I can think of a million things I’d rather watch.” 

“Everyone else is going. Plus it’ll look shitty if everyone in the band is there besides you because you wanna be an antisocial grump.” 

Ryan’s shoulders slump. “Fine. I’ll go for a little bit. I’m not staying the whole night though.”

Brendon smiles wide and kisses his cheek. “It’s gonna be so much fun.” 

Pete shows up just as they’re waiting in the wings to go on. He hugs everyone and catches them up on what’s going on with his band. Ryan relaxes into the conversation, feeling normal for even just in that brief time. He almost forgets about being nervous until someone comes up to attach his in-ears. 

Ryan feels pressured to put on a good show, seeing as the dude who’s paying for it all is watching. Brendon is hamming it up wherever he can. He loves having an audience. Ryan wishes he had half that confidence. Thankfully he makes it through the show without feeling like he totally wants to die. 

They barely have time to change out of their sweaty show clothes and scrub off their makeup before Pete announces their limo is here. Ryan’s a bit impressed but it feels overkill to do all this just for a dumb party.

Ryan blinks when they walk into the club. There’s a collective cheer when they walk in but Ryan assumes it’s mostly for Pete. Ryan knows they’re the newest on the label and, compared to the rest of the people in this room, they still have so much left to prove.

Brendon lets go of Ryan’s hand and makes a bee line for the bar. Booze is the last thing on Ryan’s mind. He’s still not much of a drinker even with it being offered all the time. Every time he lifts a bottle to his lips all he can think of is his father. He never wants to end up like that. It’s a vice too low even for him. 

Ryan settles himself in a corner booth alone. He watches all the people around him. Some dancing to the beat of some electronic music while strobe lights flash. Some making out, pressed up against the wall near the bar. Plenty are guzzling shots like their life depends on it, he notices Brendon among them. He’s rattled out of his thoughts as someone sits down in the booth across from him. 

Patrick smiles a bit and sets a plate of cake in front of Ryan. “Not your scene either, huh?” 

Ryan shakes his head. “I only came so that Brendon would stops bothering me about it. Happy birthday by the way.”

Patrick takes a bite of his cake. “Thanks. I told Pete he didn’t need to throw a party but he insisted. Said he didn’t open a bar to not have fun in it.” 

Ryan glances at Brendon enjoying himself then back to Patrick. “Sorry if I seem like a party pooper.” He shrugs.

Patrick shakes his head. “‘No. No. Not at all. It’s actually kind of nice to talk to someone who isn’t drunk. I think I’ve had to refuse Gabe’s offer of ‘birthday makeouts’ like four times now.” 

Ryan laughs. “I’m sure he’ll find success with someone in this room. It’s only a matter of time with him.”

“That’s true.” Patrick smiles. “So how’s your tour going so far?”

“Kinda rough. I’m not used to going out there.” Ryan admits.

“Me either.” Patrick says as he finishes off his cake. “I got lucky though and I just don’t wear my glasses when I’m on stage. Can’t be afraid of what you can’t see.”

Ryan nods. “I kinda wish I could just be like Brendon. He just goes out there like he was born for it. It doesn’t even phase him.”

“You know, I always thought the same thing about Pete. He’s the borne performer. I never wanted to be up there till he made me.” He pats Ryan’s arm. “It’ll get easier. I promise.”

Brendon, already pretty sloppy drunk, shoves himself in beside Ryan. He presses a shot glass into Ryan’s hand. “What are you doing moping in the corner?” He smiles when he finally notices Patrick. “Hey! Happy birthday man! Great party!”

“Thanks.” Patrick replies. “I’ll let you two be. It was nice talking to you Ryan. I’ll see you guys around.” He smiles and waves.

Brendon turns back to Ryan. “Cmon. Drink. Enjoy yourself. It won’t kill you to have some fun for once. I think someone around here has coke. You should try some. It might loosen you up a little.”

Ryan downs the shot just to appease him. He winces at the way the liquor burns when it goes down. The dull ache in the back of his throat just reminds him how it feels after he purges. “No thanks.” He shrugs. “I’m good. I think I’m just gonna stay here for a bit.”

Brendon looks down at the uneaten cake slice still on the table. “You gonna eat that?”

Ryan shakes his head and pushes the plate over to him. “All yours.” He watches as Brendon takes it and bounds back off to the party. 

The shot doesn’t sit right in Ryan’s stomach. He’s glad there’s so many people around cause at least no one will ever think it’s him in the bathroom forcing his fingers down his throat. 

Ryan starts making his way through the mass of people, trying to get out. He just wants to go back to the hotel. Maybe sleep forever. He’s stopped in his tracks when Brendon throws an arm around him, leaning into his side. If he was sloppy drunk earlier, he’s completely wasted now. His blown pupils tell Ryan that booze isn’t the only thing he’s on. 

“Whe’re you goin’?” Brendon slurs.

“Back to the hotel, I’m tired.”

Brendon smirks and slides his hand down to Ryan’s ass, squeezing it. Ryan bats it away quickly, knowing none of the people in this room are good at keeping secrets. “I’m coming with.” Brendon tells him. “But we should say bye to everyone first.”

Ryan relents and lets himself be dragged into conversation after uncomfortable conversation as Brendon has to tell practically everyone in the building he’d see them later. He has to keep brushing off Brendon’s drunken advances in between. Brendon’s hands slide down to his ass, he lips press onto Ryan’s cheek. Ryan pushes his hands away, feeling a little uncomfortable.

By the time they make it into the cab, Ryan feels even more exhausted. He has no clue how Brendon does this all the time. How he seems to thrive off the energy of other people while it just drains the hell out of Ryan.

Brendon can’t keep his hands off Ryan even though he knows the cab driver is probably watching. He starts to unbuckle Ryan’s belt and frowns when his hand is pushed away.

“Knock it off. Not here.” He whispers sharply. 

As they pull up to the hotel, Ryan pays the cab driver. Brendon stumbles out of the cab and grabs onto Ryan to stay upright. Ryan sighs as he helps him inside. Once in the privacy of the elevator, Brendon takes hold of Ryan’s face for a messy kiss. 

Ryan nearly gives in but makes himself pull away. He’s not about to be caught in this damn elevator. “You taste like a brewery.” He frowns.

Brendon rolls his eyes. “You don’t taste that great yourself. Did you beat me to puking or something?”

Ryan steps off the elevator when it reaches their floor. “You know I can’t handle my liquor.” He says an excuse.

It’s Brendon’s turn to roll his eyes. “Sure.”

Ryan unlocks the room and lets Brendon inside first. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Brendon barely has the sense to kick off his shoes before he flops on the bed. “Nevermind.” He thankfully passes out not long after his head hits the pillow. 

Ryan brushes his teeth as he gets ready for bed. He starts to get into the empty bed but stops. He lets out a sigh as he lifts the covers and moves to lay down next to Brendon. He convinces himself it would be warmer this way. He was always so damn cold lately. He closes his eyes and presses up to Brendon’s back.

* * *

All Brendon is aware of when he wakes is the incessant pounding behind his eyes. He feels weighed down as he starts to move and that’s when he notices Ryan’s hand resting on his stomach. He gently untangles himself from Ryan and gets up to find the bottle of aspirin that’s buried somewhere in his pack. 

“Morning.” Ryan mumbles as he rubs at his eyes. 

Brendon frowns when he realizes the bottle is empty. “Got any?” He asks, holding it up.

Ryan nods and sits up, stretching. “Yeah. Hold on.” He yawns as he grabs his bag off the other bed. He tosses the bottle to him. “I’m a little surprised you’re upright before noon with everything you did last night.”

Brendon swallows the pills dry before handing the bottle back. He takes a bottle of water out of the hotel mini bar and chugs the whole thing in one go. “Me too. To be honest, I don’t even remember half of it.” 

Ryan lays back against the headboard, yawning again. 

“You wanna order room service?” Brendon asks as he pulls the menu out of the nightstand drawer. “Nothing cures a hangover better than hash browns.”

“Just get me a coffee and a bowl of fruit or something. My stomach is still off from last night.” He lies smoothly. 

* * *

Ryan settles in his bunk on the bus. He thinks it feels like his escape and his tomb all wrapped up in one. He can hear everyone else in the lounge fighting over rounds of Mario Kart. A fan gifted them a GameCube at their last signing and the guys have been hooked ever since. 

He isn’t expecting Brendon to pull the curtain back so he quickly scrambles to stuff his little black notebook under his pillow. “You sure you don’t wanna play a few rounds?” He asks.

Ryan nods. “I’m sure. I have a headache.” The lies seem to slip off his tongue so easily these days.

Brendon frowns. “Are you alright? Do you need anything?”

Ryan shakes his head. “I took some medicine. Probably gonna take a nap. It’s probably just stress.”

Brendon nods. “Well we’re stopping in an hour. I think we’re gonna get Chinese food.”

“Sounds good.” Ryan just agrees. Stick to your rules, he tells himself. 

A bit emboldened, Brendon leans in and kisses him. He smiles when he pulls away. He knows it pisses Ryan off when he does stuff like this where people could possibly see, but he never was one to not push boundaries. “I’ll let you sleep. I’ll come get you when we stop.”

Ryan can’t hold back his blush and he quickly covers his face with his hands. “Alright.”

Brendon smiles and winks before closing the curtain.

* * *

A week later and they have three more shows under their belts. Only twenty two still left to go, much to Ryan’s chagrin. They have a day off today, though at this point all the cities blend together. “Denver.” Jon supplies when Ryan asks. The bus is set to drop them at their hotel then they’ll have the day to do whatever they want.

Ryan watches Brendon talk excitedly with the others as he makes plans. Ryan always feels like he’s on the outside looking in at times like these. He sits, half awake, in the corner of the couch as he sips at a mug of coffee that's already gone cold. 

“How about you, Ry?” Spencer askes, trying to drag Ryan into the conversation. “Anything you wanna see or do?”

Ryan shrugs. “Whatever you guys wanna do is fine.”

Spencer smiles excitedly. “Well first we’re going out to lunch. We looked it up and there’s this place a few blocks from the hotel that has apparently rave reviews. They were on one of those Food Network shows and they have awesome looking barbecue.”

Ryan stiffens a bit as he thinks of all those wasted calories. How everything will be covered in sticky, drippy sauce and the taste that will coat his mouth for hours afterward. He also knows that if he keeps skipping meals, Brendon will just get more suspicious. He decides he’ll go. Eat whatever is put in front of him. Sneak away at the soonest possible opportunity and purge it all. If he’s lucky he won’t have the heavy food weighing him down for long. Spencer must’ve noticed Ryan’s slow response because he waves a hand in front of his face.

Ryan breaks himself out of his thoughts and forces a smile. “Sounds great. I’m in.” He notices how Brendon’s expression relaxes some when he agrees to eat. 

Spencer regales the others with a story of how he and Ryan once finished off an entire box of barbecue chicken wings by themselves when they were like, eight. He makes fun of Ryan for eating the lion’s share of them. Ryan smiles and plays along. Ryan remembers that day. What Spencer didn’t know was that he hadn’t eaten in three whole days. His dad was on another drinking binge and hadn’t bought food. Booze was more important. All that was there was mouldy bread. He ate so much because he had no other choice. He had to eat what he could when he could, because he never really knew when his next meal would come. 

The bus pulls up to the hotel and they all pile out. There are a handful of fans screaming at them as they walk in but Zack keeps them back. Ryan half hears Spencer’s instructions to meet back in the lobby in 30 minutes. He quietly steps into the elevator. Brendon stands beside him and presses the button to the fifth floor. 

“We’re in 509.” Brendon passes Ryan a key card. 

Ryan nods and just follows Brendon to their room. He sets his backpack on the bed and sits down on the edge of it. He tells himself to snap out of whatever mood had decided to settle over him that day. That he’s just bringing everyone down. He takes his notebook from his bag and plucks the pen out of the spiral binding. Maybe he can just scribble in here for a bit and let his mind sort itself out. Brendon probably won’t question his mood if he can blame it on some idea he has stuck in his head. Brendon knows how he gets when he writes. 

Brendon kicks off his shoes and lays back on the other bed with the remote in hand. He flips through the channels to try and find something suitable for background noise. “You alright today? You seem kind of out of it.” He tries to ask in a way he hopes appears casual. 

“Stop asking that. I’m fine.” Ryan sighs as he scrawls a string of words in his notebook. He scratches one of the words out and writes a new one below it. “Just had an idea stuck in my head. You know how it goes.”

Brendon settles on the news. Not that he cares. The news in Denver doesn’t really matter. They only have two days in this city then it’s off to the next. “Can I read it?” He asks.

Ryan just shrugs. “Maybe when it’s done. I’m not ready yet.” 

They fall into a bit of a silence until Brendon tells Ryan it’s time to head down. Ryan takes a deep breath and tells himself that it will be okay. He doesn’t have to keep the food down. He just has to eat enough to keep Brendon and the others off his back. He pockets his phone and slides the notebook back in his bag before he follows Brendon out. 

Spencer, Jon and Zack are waiting for them in the corner or the lobby that has a circle of leather arm chairs set up. Zack drives them to the restaurant in a rented van that has been dropped off for them. 

Ryan dreads walking into the restaurant. He managed to shake most of the lunch outings so far, only giving in once in a while to keep the suspicion down. He hates it cause he never really knows exactly what he's consuming. Sure some places list calorie counts but most don’t. Everything is just an estimate. He can't control the way the food is prepared or what goes in it. The thought is enough to get his stomach turning. He sits down in the corner booth between Brendon and Spencer. He tries hard to force a smile and join in with their laughter, but all he can feel is the gnawing at the pit of his stomach as he looks over the menu. He debates the least caloric thing he can eat without being obvious. He settles on a bbq chicken breast with a side of fries and a small salad. If most of the fries end up slipped in a napkin or dropped to the floor, well then that isn’t anyone’s business. 

Ryan is a master at this by now. He takes bites whenever someone else is looking at him but when they weren’t he tucks bits of food into a napkin in his hoodie pocket. He pushes the rest of the food around to make it look like he eats more than he does. In the end he’s more than a little proud of himself for only eating half the meal. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He isn’t expecting Brendon to say the same and follow after him. Ryan ducks into one of the stalls and drops the napkin full of food into the toilet. He goes pee and flushes the toilet before walking out to wash his hands. He isn’t dumb enough to purge while he has witnesses. Besides, that’s against his rules. He knows he has to get rid of the food soon though. It already feels so heavy in his stomach. He sits back down in front of the others and gulps down the rest of his glass of water. It just makes it easier to bring up later. 

Once the bill is paid they climb back into the van. Ryan stares out the window. He doesn’t really care where they’re going or what they’re doing, he’s just along for the ride. Jon mentions something about needing to get a gift to send home for his girlfriend’s birthday. Twenty minutes later, Zack pulls into a lot and parks the van. Ryan sees the sign for the 16th Street Mall as they get out. 

Brendon smiles and nudges Ryan’s side. “C’mon. I know you love shopping.”

Ryan shrugs. It feels like he doesn’t love much of anything these days. “Sometimes.” He follows after the other, peeking into the windows of galleries and trinket shops. He eyes the others, trying to time his plan of sneaking away at just the right time. Finally he takes his chance. He tells the others he’s going to grab a coffee from the cafe across the street while they’re busy browsing the shelves of some antique thrift shop thing. He’s thankful no one follows him this time. And even better, the cafe only has single stall bathrooms. He lost count of how many times he’s been on his knees in front of a toilet recently but it feels good to get the food out. He grimaces a bit as he struggles to get the chicken up but with one last heave he feels blissfully, wonderfully empty. He curses himself for leaving his backpack at the hotel with his toothbrush in it though. He tries to get the vomit taste out of his mouth best he can with just water from the sink and scrubbing his teeth with one of his fingers. He orders a black drip coffee on his way out and goes back to join the others. 

“Can I talk to you about something?” Brendon asks Spencer since they’re finally alone.

Spencer nods and gives a kind smile. “Sure. What’s up?”

“I’m worried about Ryan. He’s been really off lately and he won’t tell me why.” 

Spencer shrugs. “He’s just stressed out. We all are. He always gets a little moody when he’s stressed.”

Brendon shakes his head. “No. I think it’s more than that. It’s a bunch of little things I’ve noticed over the last few months they’ve like intensified on tour. I think they’re adding up. He hasn’t been eating much lately. He kinda got a little better lately, but I think it’s cause now he knows I’m watching. At first I thought it was stress too but then the other night I saw how much skinnier he seems. And how he always goes to bathrooms after meals. I’m not sure if I’m like, seeing things or if he’s actually hiding something from me. I just need someone else’s opinion on this. I just want to see him happy.”

Spencer scratches his head. “I’m not sure. He’s always been really small. If he did lose weight it doesn’t seem like it’s been anything super dramatic or anything. I’ll keep an eye out though.” 

Brendon sighs. “I just wish I was better at getting him to open up to me. I only see it sometimes, bits in pieces in what he writes and stuff.”

Spencer examines some of the weird ceramic knickknacks on the shelf. “I dunno man, that’s a puzzle even I can’t crack and I’ve known him since kindergarten.”

Brendon purses his lips. “It can’t be healthy to bottle everything up all the time like that. It feels like he doesn’t trust me.”

Spencer shrugs again. “He does trust you. He’ll tell you stuff when he’s ready. I’m sure there’s plenty he hasn’t even told me.”

“I’m just worried about the whole ‘not eating’ thing.” Brendon admits. “I did some googling the other night and it’s like a legitimate mental disorder.” 

Spencer sets an odd little gnome sculpture back down. “I don’t think it’s that bad. Surely if it was. It’d be pretty obvious. Like how it is with all those supermodels and stuff.”

“I caught him puking on the bus awhile back.” Brendon’s tone shifts to worry. “He said he had a bad sandwich at the venue. He never had a sandwich. I offered him half of mine and he turned it down.”

Spencer turns to look at him. “I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Like I said, it would be way more obvious if he was struggling. You know how much Ryan hates being fussed over. Maybe it’s best to just leave him be.”

“I’m scared though. I don’t want to just ‘leave it be’. I just...how do I even go about asking him?” Brendon ponders. “I can’t just saunter up to him and be like ‘hey dude, I think you have an eating disorder. Maybe you should fix that.’ That would never work. He’d just deny it.”

Ryan clears his throat, having been standing in the aisle beside them listening to the whole conversation. “You don’t ask.” His voice is low and clearly angry. He looks at both their shocked expressions at being caught. “I don’t appreciate when people talk about me behind my back. Mind your own damn business.”

“We weren’t talking behind your back.” Brendon defends. “It’s a legitimate concern. I’m fucking worried about you, dude.”

Ryan throws his arms up, exasperated. “How many times did I tell you don’t worry about it?”

“Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall sometimes, so excuse me if I wanted some advice. No one asked you to eavesdrop.”

“No one asked you to psychoanalyze me either! You know what? Fuck this. I told you to leave it alone and you didn’t. Clearly you don’t trust me to handle myself. I’m not going to be treated like a toddler.” He spins on his heel and leaves the shop before anyone can stop him. He hurries out and disappears into the crowd. He’ll be back for the show… maybe.

Spencer just stands there, looking dumbfounded at the whole situation as he watches Brendon take off after Ryan. He tells Zack and Jon and they follow as well. 

Brendon stops in the middle of the walkway, looking in all directions. He gives a frustrated groan and slams his fists into his thighs. “Where the fuck did he go?” He has tears welling in his eyes. 

“Maybe he just went back to the hotel? But we should split up to look for him just in case.” Spencer suggests.

Zack shakes his head. “No. I’m sending you guys in a cab back to the hotel. I’ll call a couple of the other security guys and we’ll go look for him.” 

“I’m coming with you.” Brendon says firmly.

“No you’re not. If he’s pissed at you it’s only going to make the situation worse. You know how Ryan gets when he’s mad. Go back to the hotel and wait.” 

* * *

Ryan hops in the first cab he sees and askes the driver to take him anywhere that is as far away as he can get from this stupid mall. He ends up in front of some dive bar. His phone says it’s only 3pm. It isn’t too early to drink, right? He silences the buzzing of his phone and ignores the dozens of missed messages and calls and heads inside. 

What the hell does Brendon know anyway? He thinks to himself as he sits down at the bar. He has no clue what it’s like to live in Ryan’s head. He bets Brendon couldn’t last a day without crumbling under the pressure, without cracking from the self hatred. How can Brendon just assume he knows what’s going on? How could he tell Spencer. Now they are both going to be breathing down his neck. No. They don’t know, he thinks to himself. And he has his way, they never will. 

He doesn’t like booze but he’ll do anything to kill the urge to self destruct. He wants his brain turned off. Is he about to be reckless and stupid and maybe ruin the only good thing happening in his life? Definitely. Is he going to regret it later? Probably. Does that matter in this moment in time? Not at all.

The bartender, some dude in his early thirties, recognizes him immediately and confesses to being a fan of the band. Ryan asks him if he has tickets to the show tomorrow. He says he does. He offers Ryan a drink without asking for his ID. He’s probably well aware that Ryan’s underage Ryan orders a whiskey. His dad’s drink of choice. How fitting.

There’s only a handful of other patrons in the bar so the bartender ends up striking a conversation. Normally Ryan would’ve just ignored him, but with a bit of liquid courage in him, he’s a lot more talkative. 

“So what’s it like being up on stage like that? I bet it’s amazing.” The bartender asks. As he wipes down the bar top. “I’m Trevor, by the way.”

Ryan shrugs. “It’s not as great as it seems. Can’t see much while you’re getting blinded by spotlights. It’s a little unnerving knowing everyone is watching you. It’s hot, sweaty and loud.”

“That’s the best part of shows!” He insists. “Why did you get into music then if you don’t like performing?” He asks. 

Ryan has asked himself that same question probably a thousand times this tour alone. “We got signed before we ever played a show. It was just kind of by chance.”

“Pete Wentz must’ve really believed in you guys then.” Trevor shrugs as he pours Ryan another drink.

“I kind of insulted him. I wrote him a comment on his LiveJournal. I told him that my band was better than his band or something stupid like that, and linked our demo. I think he was prepared to tell us exactly how much we sucked but instead he didn’t. So moral of the story, always insult your heroes, I guess.” Ryan gladly accepts the drink, downing it quickly.

“You have no idea how much I’d kill to be up there.”

Ryan nods. “That’s the thing. Out of the millions that would kill for the chance, only a handful ever get lucky. The music business is a cruel bitch.”

Trevor smiles. “I’d trade it for bartending any day of the week.”

Ryan gives a sad smile as he sets the empty glass down. “Careful what you wish for.”

* * *

Brendon is pissed at himself when he gets back to the hotel room. Why couldn’t he have just kept his big dumb mouth shut? He picks up a pillow and throws it across the room. It knocks Ryan’s backpack off the bed, two notebooks and some clothes fall out of it. Brendon goes to pick them up and put them back. He realizes he recognizes one of the notebooks but doesn’t with the other. He feels guilt rise up in him as he holds the black covered notebook in his hands. He knows he shouldn’t want to read it, but he does. It’s probably just song lyrics, right? Ryan’s never hesitated sharing them before. After another long moment of contemplation he takes the notebook and sits down on his bed. 

He turns to the first page. It seems to be some sort of diary. The entries are dated. There are a set of numbers in the right hand margin beside each entry. Brendon is confused about what they mean. He frowns as he reads the first few entries.   
  


_‘12-2-03 I gave in for the first time today. I don’t regret it. I probably should. 120, 386, 800 P’_

_‘12-6-03 I think I wanna stop. I feel so dizzy. But it’ll be worth it, right? 0 P.’_

_‘12-10-03 Spencer and his mom insisted we go out for milkshakes. I can never say no to them but I’ve learned my lesson. Now I’ll have to work harder to get it off. 0, 820, 0.’_

_‘12-11-03 new rules. 1.) no one can know. ever. 2.) p only when no one is around to hear. 3.) more than 900 in a day means a fast for the next. 4.) when someone makes me eat, just do it and get rid of it later. 5.) always have a pre planned excuse…”_

He flips forward to the most page that’s written on. The notebook is almost full with close to four years worth of entries. All of them are similar. A vague sentence or two, sometimes more. They seem to get more self deprecating as time goes on. The numbers in the right hand margin get lower. Some of them have ‘P’ with multiple tally marks after it. Brendon doesn’t know what any of it means. He feels even more guilty for having read it. Ryan’s gonna kill him if he finds out. He hurries to put the notebook back in the bag. Now he feels almost like he knows too much and yet not enough at the same time. He wonders if he should go back and read more. 

He doesn’t.

At least not right away. He makes it about fifteen minutes before he gets back up and grabs the notebook again. He takes a deep breath as he opens it up. He looks back at the first page. 2003. His best friend has been dealing with this for at least three years. Who knows if there was a notebook before this? This had been going on the entire time he’d known Ryan so it’s no wonder he didn’t notice it sooner. 

He vows to himself that he’s going to do something about it. He’s gonna confront Ryan. With what he finds out from the notebook he feels like he now knows what to look out for. He reads page after page of Ryan tearing himself down. Brendon swears he must see the word ‘fat’ at least a hundred times. It makes his heart ache to know Ryan feels this way about himself. He has to stop himself about halfway through because he can’t read anymore through the tears.

* * *

It’s the next day. They’re supposed to be on stage in an hour and a half. Everyone is frantic. Zack tries to assure them that he has his guys turning the city upside down to find Ryan. He doesn’t mention that he spent the morning calling every police station, jail and hospital in the area. Just to be on the safe side.

Ryan finally shows up and he’s still drunk as hell. He has the same clothes on from the day before but now they’re all grass stained cause he slept in the park. He sways on his feet as he walks to the catering table and grabs a beer off it. He’s really starting to turn out like his old man now, maybe it’s all just bad genetics. Maybe fate is just a cruel bitch, he thinks.

Everyone just kinda stares in shock but Zack’s the first to react. He grabs the bottle out of Ryan’s hand and sets it back on the table. “Where the fuck have you been?”

Ryan just grabs another bottle off the table. “Doesn’t matter. I’m here now.”

Zack takes that one too. “You’re fucking drunk. Where the hell did you get booze? You’re not even legal”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”

Zack stares him down with a look that says he’d beat his ass given half the chance. “Get cleaned up and get dressed. You have a fucking show to do.”

Ryan mimics him in a whiny voice. “Waaah you got a fucking show to do. Shut up. You aren’t my mom.”

Zack shakes his head. “You’re on thin fucking ice, Ross. Knock it off.” He turns him around and points him to his road case. 

Ryan ignores the hurt looks from Brendon as he walks over to his wardrobe case. He pulls his outfit off the hanger and takes it to the bathroom to change. No one needs to see his fat disgusting body. And if he throws up? Well now he at least has the booze to blame. He stands in front of the mirror as he buttons up his pants. He grimaces as he notices the way they dig into his hips. He needs to try harder to keep the weight off. No one will want him at this rate. He jumps at the knock on the door. “What?” He calls out. 

“Can I come in?” Brendon asks. 

“Why? You wanna watch me shit?” Ryan replies. 

“I know you’re not on the toilet. You’re too close to the door.” Brendon tells him.

Ryan hurries to put his shirt on then turns the door knob, letting it swing open. 

Brendon steps inside and closes the door. He wrinkled his nose at the acrid smell of vomit. He’s worried about his friend. “I’m really sorry about yesterday. You were right. I probably shouldn’t have talked to Spencer.”

Ryan turns his back to Brendon. “You’re right. You shouldn’t have.” His voice doesn’t have nearly the anger in it that it did yesterday. 

“I’m just worried about you and I needed to talk to someone about it. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things.” 

Ryan freezes. “I told you a hundred times now not to worry. I’m fine.”

Brendon looks down at the floor. “But I know you’re not fine.” 

Ryan finally turns around. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He’s terrified that his carefully crafted shell is crumbling around him. 

“You know what it means.” Brendon say, voice flat. “I saw your notebook. Why didn’t you just say something?”

Ryan sees red as he clenches his fists at his sides. “Going against my wishes wasn’t enough so you gotta read my diary now too? Get out.” He points at the door.

“I would’ve put it together with or without the notebook. Did you really expect me to not notice that you’ve lost weight? That you make excuses every time there’s food around? That you run to bathrooms whenever you do eat? It’s not shameful to ask for help.” Brendon tries to speak as gently as he could.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ryan narrows his gaze. “Mind your own fucking business, and get out.”

“Ry-“

Ryan holds a hand up, cutting him off. “Don’t. You invaded my fucking privacy. That’s not okay.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” Brendon tries to say. 

“Oh, I suppose it just fell into your lap then? You want my fucking trust so bad but you’re seemingly ready to violate it whenever it’s convenient for you.”

Brendon looks down at his feet. “I thought it was the notebook you had song lyrics in, I swear.”

“That doesn’t make it any better. It means you went through my bag to get it either way.” He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “How much did you read?”

“About half.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Brendon.” He shakes his head as he turns away from him. 

Brendon swallows hard. “I’m sorry. I know it was wrong. But you never tell me anything and I just want to help.”

“What the hell do you want to know that you didn’t already read?” He asks.

“You don’t have to be afraid to talk to me.” Brendon speaks gently. “You know I’d never judge you or anything like that.”

Ryan’s shoulders fall as he slowly loses his resolve to fight. “It’s not your judgment I’m afraid of. Not everything is about you. Some things are just too complicated to put into words.”

“I never said it was about me. I just don’t think puking your feelings into a toilet is exactly a healthy way to live.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He steps away from him. He just wants out of this conversation. 

“You might be able to lie to everyone including yourself, but you can’t lie to me.” 

“Just leave me alone. I’m not in the mood. I’ve had enough of your shit already.” He looks into the mirror as he buttons up his shirt.

“So you’re telling me if I kiss you right now, you’re not gonna taste like you just threw up?” Brendon challenges.

Ryan sighs and changes tactics. Maybe ignoring him will finally get him to leave. He threads the scarf for his costume through his belt loops and ties it above his left hip. To him the pants feel tight when in reality they’re barely clinging to his hips. 

Brendon strides closer to him, not one to be ignored. He cups Ryan’s face in both of his hands as he kisses him. He pulls back after a moment with a frown. “I don’t understand why you’d do this to yourself.” He slides his hands down Ryan’s sides. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” 

Ryan wants nothing more than to give in to Brendon, to believe him, but he can’t. Ryan shakes his head and tries to pull away. “You don’t understand.”

Brendon hooks a finger under Ryan’s chin and doesn't let him shrink away. “Then make me understand.” He turns them so that they are both facing the mirror, standing just behind him. “Tell me what you don’t like.”

Ryan shuts his eyes tight and shakes his head. “Don’t do this to me. I’m not in the mood”

Brendon feels his heart ache as he sees the way Ryan’s expression instantly changes. “Open your eyes baby.” He says gently. “Open them and tell me.”

Reluctantly, Ryan opens them and looks in the mirror. He swallows hard as he sees the reflection of his father for a brief moment. No. He wasn’t him. Would never be him. He isn’t dying alone in Vegas cause he drank himself to the point of liver failure. He shakes that thought and tries hard to focus on Brendon instead. 

“Tell me what you don’t like.” Brendon prompts again, taking hold of one of his hands and giving it a squeeze.

Ryan shuts his eyes again, not being able to stand the sight of himself. “ _Allofit_.” He mumbles.

“What?”

Ryan is quickly getting overwhelmed. “All of it. I fucking hate myself and this isn’t fucking helping.” He pulls away, quickly wiping the tears that build in the corners of his eyes. 

“All I want to do is help.” Brendon tries to assure. “Cause I love you.”

Ryan shakes his head. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“I do mean it.”

Ryan stills. “You shouldn’t.” His voice cracked.

“But I still do. I love you. Even if you don’t love me back.” Brendon takes a step closer. 

“I…” he swallowed hard and trailed off. “I do. I-I love you too, but you deserve someone way less broken.”

Brendon pulls Ryan into his arms. “Maybe you’re a little broken but that doesn’t mean you’re completely destroyed. I’m willing to help piece you back together.”

Ryan just hides his face into Brendon’s neck and tries his hardest to hold back tears, shaking from the effort.

“Are you gonna be okay to do the show?” Brendon asks. 

Ryan takes a deep breath to steady himself and nods. “Just let me do my makeup. I’ll be okay.”

Reluctantly, Brendon lets him go. He checks the time on his phone. “You’ve got less than like thirty minutes. Text me if you need anything, okay?” He looks down again. “Again I’m really sorry. We can talk later, right?”

He agrees just to get him out of the room. Once he’s alone, Ryan collapses onto the stool near the table with the mirror. That conversation feels like it took everything out of him and just left him feeling uncomfortably raw. Brendon knows his dirty secret but he doubts Brendon knows how deep it really goes. He purposely kept that diary vague just in case someone did read it. He doubts Brendon knows what most of it means anyway. It’s his own little code. He does his makeup the best he can with trembling hands until his phone starts buzzing in his pocket. 

His heart feels like it stops when he hears the words spoken by the lady on the other end. “I’m sorry to tell you that your father passed away in his sleep this afternoon. You were listed as his next of kin but I don’t have an address for you. I need to have somewhere to send the paperwork. Again, I’m deeply sorry for your loss.”

Ryan feels numb as he gives her the address to the management office. He knows this day was bound to come, but he doesn’t expect it to hit him this hard. 

When he’s done with the call he just sits there in silence, holding his head in his hands as memories flash in his mind. He tries his best to push them down. After all, he has a show to do.


	2. Stutter and Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan is coping, at least he thinks he is until his past rears its ugly head again to drag him back down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have about four chapters of this written so far. Probably more coming after that but who knows lol.

Ryan dreads going up on that stage even more than usual. His mind’s still whirling from the booze and whatever the hell else he did last night. That’s not to mention the fact that Brendon knows his secret, and now he’s just found out his father is dead. His hands are still shaking as he takes hold of his guitar. 

The lights feel brighter, hotter. The sounds of the crowd ring in his ears despite his earpieces. His fingers fumble over chords even though he knows them by heart. Brendon shoots him a glance from center stage. He takes a deep breath and tries to just make it through. He’s sure everyone in this damn building knows how petrified he is. He’ll read their bitter words later in their blogs, see all the cruel comments he’s tagged in. Like his self hatred needs more fuel for the fire.

He stumbles and grabs his mic stand to hold himself up. There’s spots in front of his eyes and he blinks to try and make them go away. It doesn’t work. Every time he blinks they dance in the periphery of his vision. Jon notices when Ryan’s playing stops. He looks over at him, confused and worried. He gets Brendon’s attention and gestures in Ryan’s direction.

Ryan manages to steady himself long enough to let his hands find their way back to his guitar. He makes it close to the end of the set before a strange feeling floods his senses. Everything around him feels like it slows. The crowd sounds like they are all underwater. His limbs feel like jelly. His heart’s thudding in his chest. His vision slowly fades to black. He hits the ground hard, a loud dissonant noise ringing out as his guitar collides with the stage floor. 

Brendon turns to look where Jon’s pointing. He gasps when he catches sight of Ryan heaped on the stage. He drops the mic without hesitation as he runs over to Ryan, kneeling beside him. 

Zack nudges Brendon out of the way. He’d been half expecting something like this to happen when he’d seen how drunk Ryan was. He quickly scoops Ryan up and takes him off stage and back to the dressing room. At least this way it’s less embarrassing for Ryan, and the fans won’t have to see this. He sat him down on the couch and went to get the medics. 

Brendon sits down on the couch and pulls Ryan’s head into his lap. He shakes Ryan’s shoulders a little. “Ry…Ry, wake up.” He sounds panicked.

He starts to stir a little as the medics start to examine him. He flinches and pulls away when they prick his finger to check his blood sugar. “Fucking, ow.” He murmurs.

Brendon brushes Ryan’s hair back out of his face. “It’s okay.” 

Ryan opens his eyes and winces at the bright lights. He looks around. His bandmates are there with terrified looks on their faces. Two paramedics are knelt beside him and Zack is by the door keeping everyone else out. “What happened?” He groans as he tries to sit up, his head still spinning.

Brendon forces him to lay back down as the medics stick heart monitor leads to his chest. “Just let them help you. You went down on stage.” He tells him. 

One of the medics looks at the blood sugar results. “It’s low. And he seems dehydrated. Does anyone know if he took anything?”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “So I had a few drinks last night. Sue me.”

“More than a few.” Brendon quips. “You could barely stand when you showed up.”

The paramedic nods, looking down at the little monitor. “Well other than that his heart rate and breathing seem normal. The collapse wasn’t from any sort of head trauma. I don’t see any reason he needs to go to the hospital. He just needs to eat and drink something, and some rest wouldn’t hurt. The hospital wouldn’t do much different except give IV fluids.”

“Then I’m not going.” Ryan grumbles. “I’m fine. Really.”

Brendon helps Ryan to sit up and gets up to grab a snack cake and a bottle of water from the catering table. He hands it to him as the medics pack up. “Eat this. Now.”

Ryan wants to refuse but everyone has eyes on him. He feels like he has no choice. He fumbles with the wrapper but finally gets it open. He breaks it off in little pieces, swallowing each with a sip of water. The chocolate cake tastes sickeningly sweet in his mouth but he forces it down. He sighs when he finishes. “You should finish the show. Send my tech on or something.”

“No.” Brendon says firmly. “I’m not going back out there and leaving you by yourself.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna go lay down. I don’t need to be fucking babysat.”

“Clearly you do. You went fucking down out there. Now this isn’t just your problem. It’s all of ours.” Brendon spat. “If the stress is too much that you have to resort to starving yourself or puking your guts out constantly then maybe you need to go home.”

Ryan stands up, a bit wobbly. “You know what, fuck you. Who fucking died and made you boss? You can’t kick me out of the band that I fucking started.” He steps closer to Brendon, almost baiting him into a fight.

“It’s always what _you_ want isn’t it?” Brendon shouts back, throwing by his hands up. “I’ve had it up to here with your selfish entitled attitude. You’ve got so many people on your side but you don’t fucking care, do you? You don’t care about anyone but yourself. I see through your act. I know deep down in that icy heart of yours you’re just a sad, scared little boy.”

Ryan’s expression hardens. “Oh, now you’ve got me all figured out, have you? _I’m_ the entitled one? I told you to keep your nose out of where it doesn’t fucking belong. Listen here-“

Spencer steps between them and cuts them off.. “Woah woah. Both of you, stop it. NOW. Ry. Go lay down. You look like you could use the rest.” He glares at Ryan until he finally backs down.

Ryan rolls his eyes and grabs his bag, heading out the back door in a huff.

Spencer turns to Brendon. “And you, you should go out there and tell the kids that Ryan is fine but we can’t finish the show.”

Brendon narrows his eyes but stomps off and does so. He’s fuming as he picks up his mic and tells the fans that remain that the show will have to be rescheduled. He waves a short goodbye to the fans as he leaves the stage. He walks past everyone on the way out and starts out the back door. He leaves the fenced area and hails a cab. He’s fucking pissed and if he has to go back on the bus with Ryan right now he’s going to punch him in his stupid selfish face.

Spencer notices Brendon outside the fence and chases him down, grabbing him by the arm. “Where the hell are you going?”

Brendon pulls his arm back and rolls his eyes. “I’ll be back later.” He starts getting into the cab. 

“You’re not going anywhere. We’re leaving soon. The driver wants to get a head start to the next city.” Spencer reaches out again.

“I know where the show is. I’ll meet you there.” Brendon sits down in the back seat of the cab.

“What good is avoiding him going to do?” Spencer asks. “God you two are both so fucking emotionally constipated.” 

Brendon glares at him. “If I go back on that damn bus, the only place I’m going is jail.”

“Why the hell are you so mad at him? It’s not like he meant to pass out. And you’re the one who picked that fight in the first place.” 

“I’ve had it up to fucking here with his stubborn, condescending…” the cab driver interrupts to ask if they can please have their lover’s quarrel elsewhere if Brendon isn’t going to ride. Reluctantly Brendon gets out of the cab and hands the man a $20 bill from his wallet for the trouble.

“If you run away you’re no better than he is.” Spencer tells him, his tone softer now. He checks his phone as it beeps with a notification. “Jon says he’s in his bunk so you’re free to avoid away.”

Brendon heaves a sigh. “I kind of fucked everything up, didn’t I?”

Spencer shrugs. “Maybe a little.”

“No I really fucked up.” Brendon says as he pulls at his hair. “I kind of read his diary…”

Spencer gave him a ‘what the fuck’ expression. “What did you do that for?”

“I didn’t mean to.” Brendon stares at his feet. “I thought it was the notebook he was writing lyrics in but it wasn’t.”

“Then why the hell didn’t you just put it down? That’s kind of messed up, dude. No wonder he got so mad.” 

“I read the first page and it kind of...it confirmed what I already kind of knew. He’s been starving himself for a long time. He wrote it all down.” Brendon kicks a rock out from under his shoe. 

“You want him to trust you so band but then you turn around and do that shit to him. Is it any wonder he doesn’t? You need to apologize. You’re being a real asshole.”

“I know.” He turns to start walking back to the bus. “I swear I didn’t purposely seek it out or anything. It fell out of his bag.”

“I’m not the one you need to tell that to.” Spencer punches the code in to unlock the bus door and lets Brendon head in first.

* * *

Ryan’s stomach aches from more than just the snack cake he’d thrown up into the bushes. He looks down at the envelope of papers that had been placed in his bunk. It’s a plain brown envelope addressed to “George Ryan Ross III.” He knows what was in it but isn’t sure if he was ready to face it just yet. He wondered if there was an option he could check off that would just let his dad rot in hell. People like that don’t deserve to be remembered. He throws the envelope at the foot of the bunk. He thinks he’s had enough fucking emotional turmoil for one night. 

He puts his headphones on to just drown out the world for a while. Maybe if he’s lucky he’ll forget Brendon, forget this stupid tour, forget all of it. 

* * *

It’s another hotel night and it’s been a little over a week since their fight. Brendon had started requesting separate hotel rooms the day after. Ryan resorts to pretty much ignoring Brendon except for the bare minimum conversation needed to do their jobs. Ryan sits away from him in interviews, and doesn't interact with him on stage. It even seems like some of the fans are catching on and making theories as to why. Ryan laughs when he reads some of the reasons they came up with. 

Brendon sits down on his empty bed, weighed down with guilt over everything. He’d had nothing but time to think these days and it was always at the forefront of his mind even when he didn’t want it to be. He knows Ryan’s room is just down the hall. He’d watched the desk attendant scribble the number on Ryan’s key card. He walks to his room, hesitating for a moment before knocking on the door. 

Ryan drags himself out the bed to answer the door. “What do you want?” He asks.

Brendon looks down at the floor, not able to meet Ryan’s eyes just yet. “Can I come in? I just wanna talk.”

Ryan just sighs and starts walking back into the room. He gestures to the empty bed across from him and sat down. He’d come to realize over the last few days that he wasn’t nearly as angry as he was before. In a fucked up way it feels almost comforting that someone else knows his secret. Maybe now he won’t have to shoulder that burden fully on his own.

Brendon bites his lip as he glances up. “I’m really sorry for what I said and what I did. I shouldn’t have...It’s just...it’s hard watching someone you love tear themselves apart and you have no idea why.”

Ryan just shakes his head. “This is why I told you that you shouldn’t love me. No one can love damaged goods. No one wants this much baggage.”

Brendon runs his fingers through his messy hair. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I just wanted to apologize…”

After a long moment of silence, Ryan moved to sit beside him. “I do feel the same way.” He said softly. “I know I’m just not good at showing it. You deserve better.”

Brendon reaches up, brushing his thumb over Ryan’s cheek. “You are better. You’re the one I chose. No matter you like it or not.” He cracks a small smile. “Are you still mad at me?”

“No.” In truth, Ryan has stopped being mad a few state lines ago. “I probably should be, but I’m not.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

At this point Ryan was desperate for something, anything to turn his brain off. He’s been doing too much damn thinking the last few days. “Just…” He grabs Brendon by the shoulders and pulls him in for a kiss. Brendon is confused at first but quickly relents. This is the one place where things make sense to Ryan. When they slot together just like they belong. He pulls back from their kiss with wet, slightly puffy lips. “I need you. Please.” He tells him, voice low.

Brendon smirks. “Yeah?”

“Just fuck me. I don’t want to think.” Ryan practically begs. “And before you ask, yes I’m sure.” He grips at the hem of Brendon’s shirt. “Just...please.”

Brendon lifts his arms so Ryan can take his shirt off. He lets out a low groan as Ryan’s hands explore the now bare skin of his chest. 

Brendon is quickly getting desperate to see more of Ryan. He pushes the other man’s shirt up until Ryan lets him take it off. He kisses at his neck as he guides him back onto the bed. As Brendon runs his hands down Ryan’s sides he notices how he could feel every rib bone as his thumbs graze over them. He wonders how much weight Ryan has actually lost but that thought quickly leaves his mind when Ryan palms at his hardening cock through his jeans. “You’re beautiful.” He kisses Ryan’s cheek. “I wish you could see.”

Ryan just shakes his head. He knows it’s a lie. To him, the beautiful one is the person currently kissing his way down his chest. 

Brendon hooks his fingers in the belt loops of Ryan’s jeans after unbuttoning them, looking silently for permission. Ryan nods. Brendon tugs his pants and boxers down. “You’re actually wearing some this time,” he teases. “You got lube?”

Ryan nods. “It’s in the front pocket of my bag. It’s by the foot of the bed somewhere.” 

Brendon kisses him one last time before getting up to grab it. “It’s almost empty. KY should just sponsor us by now.” He chuckles as he settles back between Ryan’s legs.

Ryan sighs and rolls his eyes. “I’ll make sure to get Pete right on that. They can sponsor the next tour.”

Brendon pops the cap on the lube and squeezes some out onto his fingers. He sets the tube down and uses his free hand to push Ryan’s knees up. He spreads some of the lube over Ryan’s entrance. “Just relax, baby.” He says as he starts to work a finger into him. It’s been too long since they’d last properly had sex and Brendon’s craving it so bad.

Ryan lets out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He lets his eyes slip closed as he tries to focus on the sensations instead of his own insecurities. After a few minutes he starts pushing his hips to meet Brendon’s fingers, craving more. 

Brendon pulls his fingers free just long enough to add a second. He uses his other hand to wrap around Ryan’s dick, jerking him slowly and steadily as he works his fingers deeper. He knows just the strategies to get Ryan to loosen up faster.

Ryan fists his hands in the sheets. “Fuck the rest.” He pants. “I just need you. Now.” 

Brendon licks his lips. Didn’t have to tell him twice. He uses a bit more lube to slick himself before lining up with Ryan’s hole. He waits there for just a moment, teasing to see just how much he really wants it, and smirking as he watches Ryan try to wriggle himself closer. He grabs Ryan’s hips and pushes in with one rough thrust. If Ryan wants to not think, well then Brendon is going to fuck his brains out.

Ryan’s hands scramble for purchase on Brendon’s arms. The stretch hurts a bit, but he wants it to. He wants more. He looks up at Brendon with blown pupils. “Please.” He murmurs. He’s silenced by Brendon’s lips on his as the other starts a rough pace with his hips. Ryan moans into their kiss. 

Brendon gathers Ryan’s wrists and pins them up above his head, getting a wide eyed look from him. He watches the man under him gasp and shudder as he gets just the right angle. He shifts position so he can hit that spot with more precision.

“Right there.” Ryan begs. “Please don’t stop.” His eyes are rolling back in his head and he feels his thoughts and worries start to slip away. None of them matter now. It’s just him and Brendon. Them against the world. He barely registers what happens as he comes with a cry of Brendon’s name.

Brendon groans as he feels Ryan’s body tighten around him. He swears that he’s going to cum or die, or both. He manages to keep his composure and fuck Ryan through his orgasm. He nudges Ryan’s hip. “Turn over.” 

Still in a bit of a daze, it takes Ryan a moment to register the instructions. He rolls over onto his hands and knees, whining at the empty feeling. “Please.” He begs, trying to push himself back towards Brendon.

Brendon grabs a fistful of his hair and tugs his head back. “Be quiet.” He leans over him to kiss Ryan’s throat as he pushes back into him. 

Ryan sucks in a sharp breath at that. This is one of the few areas in his life he ever willingly gives up control. He likes seeing this more demanding side of Brendon sometimes. He cries out when he feels Brendon press inside his already sensitive hole. It makes his knees weak and his head spin.

Brendon runs his hands down Ryan’s sides and back to his hips, digging his nails in as his pace quickens. He knows Ryan is going bitch later about the bruises but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s chasing his own climax and it’s coming quickly. He wraps a hand around Ryan’s cock, loving the noise he makes as he starts to jerk him off in time with his thrusts.

Ryan gets quickly overwhelmed at all the sensations. It isn’t long till he’s spilling onto Brendon’s fist, hips twitching between Brendon’s hand and his cock. He collapses forward onto his elbows, feeling completely spent. 

Brendon can’t hold back this time as he feels Ryan clench tight around him. He pushes in deep, coming with a loud moan. “Fuck.” He pants as he takes in the sight of Ryan looking thoroughly wrecked beneath him.

Ryan shudders from the oversensitivity, drifting in and out of coherence. He feels the warmth of Brendon spilling inside him and gives a tired smile. He lets him pull out and rolls over onto his side. He pulls the blankets up quickly to cover himself.goosebumps form on his skin from the cool air of the room.

Brendon laughs a bit as he glances over at Ryan. “Shit.” 

“No kidding.” Ryan replies, a glazed look in his eyes as he curls closer. 

Brendon fishes for the pack of cigarettes and the lighter from his jeans pocket. He settles back beside him as he lights it. 

“You better share.” Ryan props himself half up with a pillow. He holds out his hand. He watches as Brendon takes a drag and passes it to him. “You know you really should quit these. You’ll ruin your pretty voice.”

Brendon rolls his eyes. “That’s what they all say. But we all have our vices.” He takes the cigarette as Ryan passes it. They share puffs back and forth till the cigarette is finished. He ashes it in the container on the nightstand. “Can we talk about yours then? the whole ‘you not eating’ thing?” He asks.

Ryan frowns. “Way to ruin the afterglow. Besides there’s nothing to talk about.”

Brendon lets out a sigh. “Just if you’re ready…” he prompts. 

Ryan looks down, debating if he should talk or not. He feels like Brendon had already seen too much of him. Too much more and he was sure to leave and he’d lose the only good thing he has in his life. But on the other hand he felt like, maybe it was okay to talk. After all, Brendon already knows some of the truth. It’s just hard for him because he’s so used to never telling anyone anything. He supposed the heaping helping of catholic guilt from his father was to blame. “You can’t understand what it’s like.”

Brendon just nods, wanting to keep him taking. “I know I can’t. But I still want to try.”

Ryan takes a deep breath. “Eating is the one thing I’ve always had control over. Even when everything else in my life was going to shit, I had that as a constant. It’s so ingrained in me at this point that I just can’t turn it off.”

Brendon looks at him with concern. “Is that what that notebook is about then? Cause I noticed the dates went back years.”

Ryan flinches as he remembers Brendon had read it. “Kind of. It’s a record of sorts. Kind of a fucked up motivational thing. It’s hard to explain.”

Brendon frowns a bit, so it is what he feared. “What were all the numbers in the margins?”

Ryan tenses a bit. “Calories. Jesus. Do I get to read your diary next?”

“Easy.” Brendon speaks, trying to keep him calm. “I’m just worried, Ry. It’s clearly making you sick. That’s why your blood sugar was low and you collapsed on stage the other day. Who knows what else has happened that I was too blind to see? I can’t watch you die like this...it’d break me.”

Ryan wraps his arms around his middle, feeling self conscious. “I’m not gonna die. Don’t get all worked up. It’s not the end of the world to skip meals. It’s not that bad. It’s gotten me this far.”

Brendon reaches out and tilts Ryan’s head up, forcing him to meet his gaze. “It’s going to get bad if you don’t do something to control it. Like actually control it. You’re not helping yourself at all if you can’t stop starving yourself and throwing up all the time.”

Ryan gently moves his hand away. “I only collapsed cause I was hungover.” He says, trying to downplay it. “You really need to stop worrying. I’m fine.”

Brendon sighs, knowing if he pushes too much more there was no way he’ll get anything else out of Ryan. He only ever seems to let him in bit by bit. “I’m gonna get the bowl of weed from my room. I’ll be back.” He tells him as he gets dressed. He heads out quickly. 

Ryan gets dressed in clean boxers and a t-shirt and shifts onto the other bed while he’s gone. He winces and rubs at his stomach as it cramps painfully. It didn’t like being starved of anything all day and having to work overtime to bring up just salad he’d had for lunch.

Brendon comes back with his bag and tosses it down. He sits on the edge of the bed near Ryan as he packs the bowl. 

Ryan does his best to keep a neutral face. He doesn’t want Brendon to know he’s in pain. He doesn’t want to be fawned over anymore. He leans back against the headboard as he waits for Brendon to finish. He watches Brendon light it and pull hard on the pipe before passing it to him. Ryan closes his eyes as he takes his hit. He coughs a bit as he passes it back. “Please don’t tell anyone else what I told you tonight.” Ryan speaks. “Not Spencer, not Jon, not anyone. This isn’t their business.”

“I won’t.” Brendon promises, smiling a bit as Ryan rests his head on his shoulder. He proceeds to take the biggest hit he’s probably ever taken and pulls Ryan into a kiss, blowing the smoke into his mouth. He just wants to see his reaction.

Ryan wasn’t expecting it but he practically melts into the kiss, the drugs finally kicking in. He blushes when Brendon keeps pecking little kisses to his lips before finally pulling away. 

Brendon smiles as he presses the bowl to Ryan’s lips. “Now be a good boy and finish the rest.” He teases him.

It takes Ryan a few drags, but he finishes it off like he’s told. He leans more into Brendon’s side, feeling like he’s floating. 

Brendon moves to straddle Ryan’s hips as he runs his finger through his soft hair. “I love you.” It feels almost freeing to finally get to say it.

Ryan presses up into the touch from Brendon’s hands, craving more of it. He isn’t sure if he was ready to say the words back so easily but he decides he’s put Brendon through enough already. He deserves at least a little closure. “I love you too.” He replies. 

Brendon pulls him into a kiss with a steady hand on the back of Ryan’s neck. He runs his tongue over the seam of Ryan’s lips, seeking permission to deepen the kiss.

Ryan grants it easily as he loops his arms loosely around Brendon’s waist. He’d forgotten the other man always got more horny when high. He feels himself blush as his shirt is tugged off yet again. He’s a little more relaxed this time because of the weed but he still refuses to look down. He can’t stand the sight of himself. Nothing will ever change that. Instead he shifts his focus to Brendon. He runs his hands down Brendon’s chest, his toned stomach. He’s perfect, everything Ryan wishes he was.

Brendon holds his hand to Ryan’s face, brushing a thumb over his cheekbones as he studies his expression. “What are you thinking about?” He asks.

Ryan’s pulled out his thoughts by the husky tones of Brendon’s voice. “That you’re really hot.” He says with a lazy smile, running one of his hands down Brendon’s side.

Brendon smiles. “Funny. Was about to say the same about you.”

Ryan shakes his head. He doesn’t want any of the focus on himself at all. He’s already insecure enough. He doesn’t anything else to add to the ever growing list. He rolls them over so that he’s on top, and hopefully, in control of the situation. “Shh. That’s not true.” He tries to quiet Brendon with a kiss.

Brendon, with his stubborn streak, isn’t about to give up that easy. “It’s 100% true. Like it or not, you’re drop dead gorgeous. Every little bit of you.”

Ryan wrinkles his nose. “Flattery doesn’t work on me. So do you want me to suck your dick or not?”

Brendon stops him. “Not if you’re gonna hate yourself while doing it.” He pulls Ryan down so now they’re both laying on their sides, on equal ground now. “Listen to me.” He takes hold of Ryan’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “Tell me what you don’t like.”

Ryan shakes his head. “We’ve been over this. I’m not doing this again. You know I hate myself.” He mumbles, shutting his eyes tight. 

Brendon holds Ryan’s hand to his chest. “Humour me then. Just tell me one thing. Just one thing specifically. We can start with that.”

Ryan uses his free hand to cover himself back up with the blankets. “Honestly...my thighs.” He says after a long moment. “I can’t stand them.”

Brendon tilts his head. “Really? Cause they’re my favourite. Especially when they’re wrapped around me. Or when you ride me. They’re so nice to grip onto even if you get mad at me for all the bruises after.” He takes a chance and slides his hands down lower.

Ryan freezes up and fights back a gag reflex. “Don’t.” He warns.

Brendon quickly pulls away at Ryan’s pained expression. “Sorry if I went too far.” He apologizes.

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s different when we fuck. I guess there’s enough other stuff going on that I don’t end up thinking about it. But doing it on its own...it’s too overwhelming. I can’t…”

“Shh.” Brendon speaks softly. “You don’t have to explain. If I overstep all you need to do is tell me.” He starts to feel his high wear off. He wonders if there’s been other times like this. Where he did something to make Ryan uncomfortable and he didn’t say anything because he was too scared to.

“I’ll stop talking about it.” Ryan replies. “I’m just making things worse.”

Brendon kisses his forehead. “I don’t want that. I’ll always be here to listen. But right now it’s getting late. We should both get some sleep.”

Ryan pulls the blankets up to around his neck and moves closer to Brendon. “It’s an early bus call tomorrow, right? I was only half paying attention earlier.”

Brendon nods. “It’s a two day drive to like...Dallas? I think.” He shrugs. 

“Oh yay.” Ryan says with a fake happy expression. Two days trapped in his coffin like bunk with nothing but his thoughts for company and no real way out. He can’t purge on the bus without everyone knowing. Plus it’s against his rules. It would also be too obvious to sneak away on their short gas station breaks. He knows he’s going to have to hold out his hope for a longer stop somewhere. With a sigh he rolls over to turn off the lamp.

Brendon’s stuck inside his own head, as he tries to decide if it was worth chancing it and just moving closer to Ryan.

Ryan reaches back to nudge Brendon. “I can hear you thinking from here. It’s okay. Just do it.” He says through a yawn. “Just don’t touch my thighs again.” He adds as a warning. He feels Brendon press up to his back and his arms loop around his waist. He puts his hand atop Brendon’s so he can make sure they don’t wander. 

Brendon can’t help but wonder what’s going on with Ryan and what exactly he wasn’t telling him. One second he’s okay with Brendon grabbing him wherever he pleases and the next he would recoil like the touch physically hurt. He knows there has to be more to it than just an eating problem. But he also knows that he’d never get the answer out of Ryan until he was good and ready. And maybe not even then. Part of him wants to try asking Spencer but if Ryan finds out he’d see it as a betrayal. He can’t lose Ryan’s trust like that again. Brendon must’ve been lost in thought for a while because when he finally shakes it he notices Ryan’s breathing has evened out, he’s finally asleep. He tightens his hold on Ryan and closes his eyes. He presses a sleepy kiss to the back of Ryan’s neck. “I love you.” He whispers into the empty night air. 

Ryan keeps drifting in and out of sleep. He isn’t exactly used to having someone else in his bed. Even though he and Brendon have been fucking around for the better part of a year, they usually end up in their own beds unless it’s a hotel night like this. He keeps waking up to the feeling of his skin crawling. He’ll panic for a moment until he realizes it’s just Brendon. Then he’d relax, only to have the cycle repeat itself. By the time the morning rolls around, the last thing he wants is to get out of bed.

Brendon groans when his phone alarm goes off. He knocks it off the nightstand in an attempt to turn it off so he has to hang half out of the bed to reach it and make it stop.

Ryan grumbles and tries to pull Brendon back into bed. “Don’t get up. You’re warm.”

Brendon pulls the covers off from over Ryan’s head. “You know Zack is just gonna hunt us down if we’re late, right?”

Ryan sighs. “Fuck Zack. Fuck the show. Let’s just lay here instead.”

Brendon smiles and presses a quick kiss to his lips. “As much as I would love to, we can’t. Cmon. Get up. Get dressed. You’re not gonna like it if I have to do it for you.”

Ryan reluctantly gets out of bed and decides not to bother changing out of his sweatpants since they’re just bound for the bus anyway. He hears a knock at the door and just assumes it’s Zack, ready to yell at them to be on time for the bus call. When the knock sounds again but there’s no voice from the other side of the door he’s confused. He goes to answer it and is more than a little shocked to see his mother. He hasn’t seen her in over a decade so she’s older now, but that face is forever etched into his memory. It represents betrayal in his eyes. “What the hell are you doing here?” His eyes narrow and he notices she has a brown envelope under her arm, similar to the one he’d ignored for the last week. 

She pushes past him and steps inside. “That’s no way to greet your mom.”

Brendon shoots Ryan a confused look. He’d never really mentioned his mother. He always noticed that both Ryan and Spencer were reluctant to talk about it so he assumed it’s a sore subject. He’s starting to see why. He starts to interject but stops himself.

“You lost that title when you walked out on me.” Ryan barely hides the anger in his voice. “Not that you ever deserved it in the first place.”

She clicks her tongue. “You were always like your father with that temper of yours. The hospice nurses called me. They said you never signed the papers so they had to find me instead.” She hands him the envelope. “Don’t worry. I signed the death certificate.”

Brendon’s shock only grows. He didn’t know Ryan’s father passed away. Ryan has never so much as even mentioned he was sick. 

Ryan takes the envelope and throws it to the floor. “I don’t want anything to do with either of you. Now go. Walk out of my life again but this time stay gone. I’m better off without you.”

She scoffs as she eyes him from head to toe. Smirking a little as she watches how Ryan still seems to shrivel under her scrutiny. “You’re coming to the funeral, aren’t you? It’s at the end of the month. I bought you a suit but it looks like I’ll have to have them take it out a size. Should’ve guessed that the camera always adds ten pounds.”

Ryan flinches at that. His mother always knows just what buttons to push to break him. “What part of ‘I want nothing to do with you’, don’t you understand?” His resolve is quickly weakening and it shows. “Neither of you should’ve ever had kids. You can’t tell me I fucking deserved that. You have other kids after all. You didn’t fucking abandon them!”

She finally focuses her sights on Brendon, noticing him as he moves out of the corner of the room. “Now, who the hell are you?” She asks, a phoney smile plastered on her face like she hasn’t just spent the last few minutes picking Ryan apart. 

“He’s the singer in my band.” Ryan defends. “And my friend. Leave him out of this.”

“You should probably leave.” Brendon adds meekly, he has his phone in his hand ready to call Zack.

She looks between them both. “Hmm...never really pinned you for a queer. But, I suppose that’s all your father’s doing.”

“I-I’m not.” Ryan stammers. “Everyone shares rooms.” He’s shaking, clearly trying hard not to fall apart. “Now get out or I’ll have security drag you out.”

She huffs. “The funeral is on the 29th. Your brothers and I expect you there. Hopefully with an attitude adjustment.” She rolls her eyes as she walks out the door.

Ryan paces anxiously until he’s sure she’s far enough away. He can’t bring himself to look at Brendon as he walks past him. He’s going to solve his problems the same way he always has, by running away from them. He locks himself in the bathroom and slides down with his back to the door. He tries his best to muffle his sobs.

Brendon kneels on the other side of the door, still processing everything that just happened. “Ry. Don’t listen to her. You know she’s full of shit.” He says gently. “Are you alright?”

Ryan sniffles as he tries to put himself back together. He hates feeling this weak, especially in front of Brendon. “Just...leave me. Need a minute.” Slowly he gets himself to his feet. He flinches as he notices his reflection in the full length mirror on the back of the door. She’s right, he’s getting fat again. He hates the way he can still pinch the skin on his thighs. It took him right back to the moments when she used to do the same thing to him as a kid. Just the thought makes his skin crawl.

Brendon packs up the rest of their bags for them. He knocks again at the bathroom door. “Ry? You okay? We gotta go. We’re already late.”

Ryan dries his eyes with a towel and tries to not look like he’d just spent the last few minutes crying. With a deep breath he finally steps out of the bathroom. He’s red faced and puffy eyed and refuses to meet Brendon’s worried gaze. 

Brendon hands him his backpack. “I didn’t know your dad passed, I’m sorry.” He offers.

“Why are you sorry? It’s not like you killed him.” Ryan gives an apathetic shrug and turns to walk out of the hotel room. 

“It’s not something you should have to bear on your own.” Brendon says as he presses the elevator button. “We care about you Ry, we’re here for you.”

Ryan rubs at his temple as he steps onto the now open elevator. “I’m not “bearing it”. I don’t give a fuck about that sorry excuse for a man. He drank himself to death. Liver cancer. We haven’t talked in years. Not since he kicked me out. What the hell is there to mourn?”

Brendon can’t help but feel there’s so much about him that he just doesn't know. He wishes he has the key to unlock all those secrets, because to him it didn’t seem fair that Ryan has to suffer with them all on his own. 

Spencer shoots the woman standing on their bus a glare when she says she’s Ryan’s mother. He’d only met her a few times when he and Ryan were both so young. He remembered how betrayed Ryan was when she left. He isn’t really interested in listening to whatever she had to say. He looks over at Zack and he can tell he isn’t buying it either.

“You see, his father passed away and we’ve had the hardest time getting a hold of my dear Ryan. I know he’s probably very busy but we really do need to plan the funeral.” She explains. “If you’ll just let me ride with you for a bit I’m sure Ryan and I can sort all this planning out in no time.” She gives another saccharine smile. 

Ryan goes wide eyed when he makes it to the top of the bus steps and sees her standing there in the middle of the lounge. He drops his bag on the steps and runs right back out again. He needs to be as far away from that woman as physically possible or he’s going to lose his mind. 

Spencer sees the hurt look in Ryan’s eyes and just knows this isn’t good. He slips past them and hurries after Ryan, needing to make sure he was okay.

“Ryan, honey, wait.” She calls out as he leaves the bus. 

This time Brendon isn’t playing so nice. He steps between her and the exit. “Sorry. But you’ll have to go. We really do have a tight schedule. I’m sure you understand.” He gives Zack a glance and mouths, _“get rid of her.”_

She pitches a fit as she’s escorted off the bus and told to leave the hotel property. 

Ryan’s at the edge of the parking lot, pacing back and forth, barely holding in yet another breakdown. He can’t believe her audacity to just try and walk back into his life after all this time. He knows his father is just a pawn in her game. She hated him almost as much as Ryan did. The funeral is just her foot in the door, her first move. He knows she has to be after something else. Hadn’t she already taken enough from him at this point?

Spencer catches up to him, a little out of breath from the run. “What’s going on? Why is she here? I only heard something about a funeral.”

Ryan clenches his fist and sucks in a breath, clearly frustrated. “She just fucking showed up at my room. My dad died. I didn’t sign the papers. She showed up to rub that in my face. But it doesn’t matter.” He fists a hand in his hair. “I don’t know how she even found me in the first place.”

Spencer frowns a bit. “I’m sorry to hear about your dad.” He’s unsure of what else to say, knowing he couldn’t really do much to make the situation any better.

“Why does everyone keep saying they’re sorry?” He asked. “That child beating, dirty, alcoholic fuck doesn’t deserve sympathy. Not from me. Not from you. Not from anyone.” He sniffles and wipes at his eyes with his sleeves.

“I know.” He says gently, putting a hand on Ryan’s arm to try and calm him down. “Cmon. Let’s go back to the bus. We can sit in the back lounge or something and talk it out there.”

Ryan pulls away and shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about her, or my dad. They’re just a waste of my time.” He feels his stomach cramp sharply. He hasn’t eaten anything in close to two days now and getting worked up like this doesn’t help. He tries hard to keep the pain off his face as he starts walking back to the bus. He notices how everyone goes silent as soon as he gets on. He knows they are talking about him. He keeps his head down as he goes back to his bunk. At least there he can be alone to wallow in his misery.

Spencer sits down next to Brendon with a sigh. “So did you two finally work your shit out? I went to your room last night to see if you wanted to order room service with Jon and I, but you were there so I just kinda assumed.”

Brendon nods. “For the most part I guess. I kinda told him I love him.”

Spencer’s eyes widened. “Wait, you what?”

“Yeah...we’ve been kind of a thing for almost a year now.” Brendon blushes a bit.

“Well first thing, Jon owes me $50. Second, what’d he say back?”

Brendon sighs. “He said I shouldn’t love him. Hey, wait... You guys had a fucking bet? You jackass.” He giggles as he shoves Spencer off the couch.

Spencer laughs as he picks himself up off the floor. “Hey, gotta entertain ourselves somehow!” 

Once the laughter fades, Brendon looks down at his hands in his lap. “I really do love him but does it make me a bad person that sometimes I get tired of trying?”

“What do you mean?” Spencer asks.

“Like I don’t know what I can’t do to help him. I know he’s struggling but he won’t talk about it. I feel like he’s just using sex with me as some sort of fucked up coping mechanism and that he’s clinging to me because he’s scared he won’t have anyone else. I don’t like feeling that way.”

Spencer gives a small nod. “I guess in the end you can’t set yourself on fire to keep yourself warm. I just have one thing to ask, please don’t let it affect the band. It’s not fair on the rest of us. If you two don’t think you can handle it together then you need to end it now and just stay friends.”

Brendon twists his fingers in his lap, still wrestling with his guilt. “I promise I won’t let it. But we need to do something about Ryan. I can tell he’s gotten skinnier, even since the start of the tour. I really think the stress is getting too much for him. Maybe we should push back the second leg.”

Spencer shrugs. “We’re gonna have a hard time talking him into it. How can you convince someone they have a problem if they don’t see they have one in the first place?”

Brendon glances up. “If he refuses, then I’m making that decision for him. I’m quitting. I’m not gonna sit around to watch him destroy himself.”

Spencer looks over out the window. “I only started noticing after you pointed it out the other day. I could kick myself for not noticing sooner. I feel like a bad friend.”

“Don’t kick yourself. He’s a good liar.” 

Spencer pats Brendon on the shoulder. “I should probably go try to talk to him.” He stands and heads back to the bunk area, shutting the door behind him. 

Brendon busies himself on his phone. He notices he has a new message from Sarah. He’d met her at the meet and greet after their first show. There were only a handful of people waiting by the busses and she was one of them. She slipped Brendon her number and they’ve been having casual conversation ever since. He texts her the address of where they were staying in the next city and offers to fly her out. He doesn’t really know what he was doing but maybe Spencer’s right and it will be less painful to end things and just move on. 

His only problem is, how the hell is he going to break it to Ryan? How do you tell someone that sometimes, loving them means letting them go? 


	3. Love Can’t Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan’s falling...falling...falling and he starting to think that there’s never going to be a way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for mentioned rape in this chapter

The show in Dallas is the same as the others. Ryan wonders if all musicians feel like this, places just bleeding together. He considers himself a bit of a modern day nomad. City to city, never knows where he’s going to end up from one day to the next.

In true Texas fashion, someone in a cowboy hat from the local radio station comes out to interview them. They're all cracking jokes and whispering to each other during the interview making fun of the dude’s stereotypical accent. The interviewer reveals he rides bucking broncos in the rodeo. That’s it for them, they fucking lose it and the interview pretty much completely derails from there. It’s honestly the lightest Ryan’s felt in weeks. 

He’s even less anxious before the show that night. His stomach stays tied up in knots but he actually enjoys himself on stage for once. The guys seem to pick up on it too. Spencer pats him on the back as they walk off and tells him he did good out there. 

Brendon, still somehow energized even after all that, comes up to Ryan with a smirk. He takes him by the hand and drags him past the throngs of people starting to tear down the stage and gear. He opens the door to a supply closet and pulls Ryan in with a giggle.

Ryan can’t help but smile. “Janitor’s closet. Really? What, are we in high school or something.” 

Brendon knocks over a mop as he gets down to his knees. “Well it’s not the first time I’ve sucked someone off in a closet. Probably won’t be the last.” He says as his deft fingers work to unknot the scarf from Ryan’s waist. “Why do you have to pick the complicated costume?” 

Ryan chuckles as he helps untie the string lacing up the front of his pants. “Just to piss you off.”

Brendon pauses for a moment when he realizes that Ryan’s pants are practically falling off him. The scarf was pretty much the only thing keeping them up. He takes a deep breath and decides to file that worry away for later. After all, he has much more pressing matters at hand. He works Ryan’s pants down to his ankles and looks up at him, licking his lips. 

“Well?” Ryan lightly tangles his fingers in Brendon’s hair. “You just gonna stare at it all day or what?”

Brendon hums as he takes him into his mouth.

* * *

This time it’s Brendon’s turn to feel guilty. He’s cancelled his invitation to Sarah. He feels conflicted. He wants Ryan, he knows he does, but it's hard to feel loved when it’s all take and no give. He also starts to wonder if Ryan actually loves him or if he’s just holding onto him out of convenience. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who’s going to spend a majority of their time crammed in a bus with a dozen other dudes. It makes sense to pick someone also in that life. No one else really understands the thrill of being on stage night after night.

He worries about Ryan’s obvious disorder and that if he breaks things off with him it’ll just make him spiral. He thinks that if the other man gets any skinnier he might just fall to pieces. He knows it’s unlikely that Ryan will seek help on his own. And this is his dilemma: does he stick it out and hope better times will come in the future, or just break things off now and risk the consequences. 

He asks himself if he’s strong enough to be able to support Ryan though a recovery he clearly needs. He can’t come up with a solution that doesn’t leave a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. The hardest part for him is not knowing where he truly stands with Ryan. Are they boyfriends? Are they friends with benefits? Ryan always says he hates labels but Brendon feels like he needs something to classify it as. He needs that tiny bit of closure. If they can’t be honest with the world then they can at least start with themselves.

And if he does break it off, then what? He can’t deny he’s drawn to Ryan and probably always will be. How’s that going to work if he moves on with someone else, that person is going to know that his ex is always around, that they’re always alone together. What will that do to a relationship besides breed insecurities? Does he love Ryan enough to see this though?

He wants to say yes. 

He knows he needs to have a hard talk with Ryan. He needs to get him somewhere alone, but somewhere he can’t just take off when things get tough. And if Ryan doesn’t want to, then he guesses he has no choice. He’s going to have to end things. 

Why does love have to hurt so bad sometimes?

* * *

A week and a half later and they have two days off. It’s rare they get two hotel nights in a row so Brendon decides that this is where it has to happen. If it goes bad, well at least there’s only a dozen shows left before their next break. He’d kept separate rooms from Ryan since their previous fight. It doesn’t feel right sharing with him while he’s busy wrestling with all these emotions. He needed time to sort them all out, and now, he guesses, he’s as ready as he can be.

He sucks in a breath as he knocks on Ryan’s hotel room door. He hears the other shuffling inside, and hears him lean against the door to check out the peephole. After a moment the door swings open and Ryan leans against the doorframe. “Hey, uh. What’s up?”

Brendon holds up the Altoids tin he pulls from his pocket with a couple of joints in it. A peace offering. He figures it might help ease the conversation along. “Are you busy? Can we talk?”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. I was just watching tv.” He steps back to let him in. “What’s wrong?” He asks as he shuts the door behind him. As he walks back towards the bed he grabs the remote and turns the TV off.

Brendon plucks one of the joints from the baggie and lights it. “Nothing...I mean. Um.” He takes a drag to try and calm himself down. “There’s just been some stuff I’ve been thinking about.” He offers the joint to Ryan.

Ryan sits down across from him, instantly nervous at Brendon’s tone. He takes the joint and does a quick hit too. “About what?” He asks.

“Us.” Brendon says simply. “What even are we? Friends? Boyfriends?”

Ryan tilts his head a little. “I don’t know. I think it goes deeper than that maybe. I can’t really explain it. Just like, the first time I saw you I knew it was something. Soulmates, maybe.”

Brendon nods. “I know you don’t like labels and all that shit but it kind of hurts never really knowing where I stand with you.” They trade another hit. 

“I know I’m not the easiest person to love.” Ryan tells him. “But where is all this coming from?” 

Brendon shrugs. “It’s been on my mind the past few weeks.”

“Why?” Ryan asks.

Brendon looks down at the joint burning in his hand. “Because it feels like you’re just using me as a crutch. Like you want me purely because you’re afraid of being alone.”

Ryan starts to bounce his leg anxiously. “That was never my intention. I’m sorry if it comes off that way.”

“Do you love me?” Brendon asks, point blank.

Ryan doesn’t even hesitate with his answer. “Yes.” 

“Then why does it feel like you don’t trust me? You know practically everything about me but it feels like you’re always locked up tight. You never told me your dad passed. That you have siblings. I mean you grew up three miles from me but it might as well be a different planet.”

“I do trust you.” He defends. “And I didn’t tell you that stuff because it hurts so bad to think of any of it. I’m sure you don’t want my sob stories.”

“If it helps you to tell it, you know I’ll always listen.” He passes him the joint again as he feels the drug start to kick in. 

Ryan puts a hand on his knee to stop his leg from bouncing. He knows Brendon is right. He knows he needs to get all this off his chest because it’s been eating him from the inside out for so many years. “If I tell you. You need to promise me it stays between us.”

Brendon nods, wondering if this is finally going to be the breakthrough he’s been waiting for. “I promise, honestly.”

Ryan takes a drag from the joint and passes the last bit of it back to Brendon. “What do you want to know?”

Brendon thinks for a moment. “Why’d you start starving yourself and when?”

Ryan flinches a bit, not expecting him to go for the big guns right off the bat. But he knows Brendon’s never been one for subtlety. “It’s kind of complicated because it’s not just from one cause. My mother kind of started it. She always treated me differently from my brothers. They got away with murder while I’d get grounded for weeks for something stupid like changing the TV channel. She started nitpicking my weight and stuff.” Ryan cringes at the memory. “She’d make fun of me if I took more at dinner than she deemed acceptable. It was just easier to eat less than to face her.”

Brendon frowns, finding it hard to imagine. “I’m sorry. That must’ve really sucked.”

Ryan nods. “Yeah. So it didn’t really start with counting calories or anything. That was way later. She took off after I told my dad I caught her with another man. She took my so-called brothers and left me to rot. My dad was more concerned with spending every cent he got on drinking and the casinos. He didn’t give a shit if there was food in the house. I think Spencer kind of caught on after a while. He would always have extra stuff in his lunch box to share and sometimes he’d sneak me meals his mom made. By 9 I was already kind of a pro at restricting and it just got easier with time.”

Brendon’s eyes widen. “You’ve been dealing with it for that long? Why didn’t you at least tell Spencer?”

“I didn’t have the words to explain it back then. I just kinda did whatever I thought felt right. Besides he would’ve just told his mom and his mom would’ve called the cops. Sure I would’ve probably gotten out there but where the hell was I going to end up? I don’t have any other family. And besides the bruises never hurt quite as much as the other things he did.”

“Like what?” He asks. “I-I mean… if you want to tell me.”

Ryan takes a deep breath and lets it out. He’s never told anyone this. Part of him just hoped that he could just lock it away and never think about it again. “Where do I even start?” He rubs at his tired eyes and lets his hands fall into his lap. “He’d hit me a lot. It was always worse when he was drunk. He blamed me for my mom taking off. I didn’t understand. I was just a kid. He was strict. I had to come home straight after school. I had to do whatever he told me. I had to keep the house spotless. I had to get good grades. I was somehow his only hope and his biggest disappointment all wrapped up in one. He started keeping me away from everyone, Spencer included. He pulled me out of school to “homeschool” me. By homeschool I guess he meant throwing a dusty encyclopedia at me and telling me to memorize it while he drowned his sorrows at the bottom of the bottle. I didn’t think he could sink any lower until one night he did…”

Brendon moves to sit beside him as he lights a second joint. He just wants Ryan to relax and feel okay with this and this was the only way he knew how to make that happen. 

Ryan closes his eyes tight, not able to look at the other as he continues. “I don’t know what I even did wrong that day but something just set him off. He dragged me by the hair to my room. I couldn’t do anything to fight back.” He starts to shake again. “He...violated me. I had to wait for him to pass out. I ran. I didn’t even put shoes on. I must’ve looked crazy when I showed up to Spencer’s window, barely and bloody. His mom ended up cleaning me up. She wanted me to talk to the police, even offered to call them for me. I couldn’t do it. I was too scared of what would happen. Spencer was my only friend and I didn’t want to lose the only constant in my life.”

Brendon blinks back tears as he offers his hand. “I’m so sorry. You never deserved that.”

Ryan shrugs but laces his fingers with Brendon’s. “Clearly I did cause I was the one dumb enough to go back. It didn’t really get any better after that. I guess I was finally too broken of a plaything for him eventually so he kicked me out at thirteen.”

“Where did you go?” He asks, passing him the joint.

Ryan gratefully takes the hit. “I stayed with Spencer. His mom agreed to take me in. I felt bad though. She took on a second job to support us. So I would barely eat. It didn’t feel right to take food out of their mouths if they were already going to give me a place to stay.”

Brendon fidgets with Ryan’s hand, brushing his thumb on his hands. “I’m sorry if this is stupid to ask but I never made you uncomfortable like, sex wise, did I ?”

Ryan fervently shakes his head. “No. No. God no. Everything we did was cause I 100% wanted it. But can we maybe change the subject?” He asks, just feeling embarrassed now.

Brendon puts out the last bit of the joint when they finish. “So when did it become more about calories then?”

Ryan sighs, though he’s starting to notice that talking about all this is becoming easier the more he does it. Maybe Brendon’s right. “I don’t know. Early in high school I guess. I found something about it on the internet. I thought it was stupid at first but then after awhile it became an obsession. It’s fucked. I feel like my head’s more crowded with calorie counts than actual thoughts some days.”

“Have you considered getting help for it?” Brendon probes.

Ryan just shrugs. “Not really. I don’t think it’s a problem even if it just seems like a fucked up way to get by.”

“Starving yourself isn’t a problem?” Brendon asks, eyebrows raised. “How much do you even weigh?”

Ryan's face flushes red. “I’m can’t tell you that.” Because it’s not low enough, he thinks to himself. He hasn’t quite reached his goal yet, not that Brendon needs to know.

Brendon sighs and decides to switch subjects. “Why didn’t you mention your dad passed away? If you needed time off or something, we would’ve understood.”

Ryan frowns. “Did you not listen at all? I hate his guts. I haven’t said a word to him since the day I took all my stuff from his house. I still have welts from the beating he gave me when I told him I wasn’t going to college. That I was starting a band instead. I punched him back. That’s the only time he stopped. I never saw him again. He died drinking himself into oblivion. Alone and miserable. The world has one asshole less.”

“Just cause you didn’t like him doesn’t mean you still can’t grieve his death. Maybe you should go to the funeral?” He suggests.

“I’m not going. Standing there and watching them drop him in the ground won’t take back what he did.” 

Brendon nods. “But it will give you the chance to let go.”

“Who died and made you my shrink?” Ryan sighs. “Can we talk about literally anything else. I don’t like wasting brainpower on that man.”

“Okay, okay.” Brendon bites his lip as he tries to think up something else. “Why are you so afraid to let people know about us?”

Ryan had known the question was probably going to come at some point but it doesn’t make him any more prepared for it. “It’s not because of you at all. I can promise that much. I’m just kind of scared cause I got brought up my whole life to believe that two men together is wrong. It always made me feel like maybe I was just wrong.”

“But it’s not wrong. You know that.” Brendon tells him. “If loving you is wrong then I don’t want to be right.”

“There’s more to it than that…” Ryan sighs. “I’m just afraid that I’ll never be enough for you and I don’t want you to regret your time with me.”

Brendon looks down again, wondering if he should admit his feelings about being conflicted or not. “I can’t really regret anything when it comes to you. The only thing I would regret is not encouraging you to get help when you’re struggling. What will it take for you to get help?” He asks. “Do we need to postpone the second leg of the tour or something? Cause I can find a way to get it done.”

Ryan shakes his head. “No no. We’re not moving the tour cause of my stupid issues.”

“You need to get help, Ryan. Even you can’t be that blind. Your clothes are barely hanging on you. I can feel every single one of your ribs when I touch you. We’re about the same size but I bet I have fifty more pounds on you, easy.” 

Ryan refuses to believe Brendon’s words. In his mind he’s getting worse, fatter. He still hasn’t managed to shake those three pounds he’d gained. “There’s nothing anyone can do for me.”

“I’m sure if you see a doctor...there’s got to be some sort of program. I mean they have rehab for pretty much anything.” 

Ryan brings his knees up to his chest. “I’m not going to some damn loony bin. I don’t have those kinds of problems.”

Brendon lets his head fall back against the wall. “Ryan. If you don’t get some kind of help, I’m not sure I can…”

“You can’t what?” Ryan asks, feeling bile rise in his throat. 

“Stay with you.” Brendon finally admits. “Maybe it makes me a shitty partner and a shittier friend but I’m not taking a front row seat on your ride to self destruction.”

Ryan stills and meets Brendon’s gaze with tears in his eyes. “You’d really just give up on me that easily?” His voice wavers.

Reluctantly, Brendon nods. “I don’t want to. But you have a problem no matter if you see it or not. It doesn’t have to be this way, Ry. You can get through this and be happy. I know you can. You just have to open your eyes and fucking accept it.”

Ryan curls in on himself tighter. “If you wanted out of this you didn’t have to make some excuse to get me to bare my damn soul first. I trusted you, and for what? Only for you to leave me in the end? You’re no different from the rest.” He grits his teeth as his anger gets the better of him. He never really has had a handle on his temper.

“Ry-“

He cuts him off with his raised voice. “Just go. You want out? Fine. It’s over. Now leave.” 

With a longing look, Brendon stands. “I just hope one day you’ll pull your head out of your ass and realize what you’re giving up. And all for what? A few pounds? A few calories?”

Ryan lays down, turning his back to him. “Goodbye.” He growls. 

Brendon heaves a sigh and decides to take a chance. He leans down to press one last kiss to Ryan’s cheek before walking away. He only makes it halfway down the hall back to his room before he starts to cry. He wonders if he’s just made the biggest mistake of his life. Should he run back and tell Ryan that he’s sorry, he really didn’t mean it that way? That they can find a way to make it work? Will that make Brendon happy? 

If love means giving up on something he desperately wants, then he’s not sure it’s for him. He wants openness, honesty, and love without arbitrary rules. The next few days everyone tries to assure him he’s doing the right thing. Brendon feels then words like a knife twisting in his gut every time they’re repeated. 

Doing the “right thing” shouldn’t cause this much regret.

* * *

Over the coming days, Ryan’s mood takes a dark turn. His rules suddenly don’t matter anymore. He doesn’t care who knows what he’s doing. He makes no secret of refusing meals. He only eats the bare minimum and even that’s hard for him to keep down. He can’t bring himself to so much as look at Brendon without feeling absolutely heartbroken. It just further solidifies to him why opening up is overrated. He’s right. Brendon caught a glimpse his messy insides and ran. As he should. As they all should. He’s toxic, radioactive waste. He’ll infect them all if they stay too long.

He makes it through the next few shows feeling almost like a robot. He goes out there, he does his job, he leaves. It’s just an obligation for him at this point. He doesn’t enjoy being there, but it’s not like he ever did in the first place. Brendon seemed to only be getting better the longer he spends in the spotlight and that infuriates Ryan. Did he really mean that little to Brendon that leaving didn’t affect him at all? If there’s a flaw in his front, well, Ryan can’t see it.

Spencer confronts him after the show. Tells him he’s worried. Tells him he’s seen him throw up half a dozen times in the last few days. It all falls on deaf ears because denial is just his middle name at this point. He wonders if Brendon has put him up to this. Spencer denies it but Ryan just doesn’t believe him. Ryan tells him to fuck off, he can’t force him to do a damn thing. He pretends not to see the hurt look on his friend’s face as he finally gives up and leaves.

He curls up in his bunk with his brand new notebook. He’s more than a little proud when he gets to write all zeros in the margin to the right of his entry. And even better, he finally shed those three pounds and then some. He made sure to make note of it. He tucks the notebook under his pillow and lays down. He’s always so damn tired lately, and dizzy, and cold. Small price to pay, he figures. Maybe Brendon will see. He’ll like him better skinnier. 

* * *

Jon takes a shot at confronting him the next day. It’s much more awkward since he doesn’t know Ryan as well as the other two. He still tries to voice his concern though. He gives Ryan a piece of paper with some places to try and get help. Ryan notices the number of a suicide hotline on there too. Ryan blows him off. Tells him he’s not suicidal but thanks for trying. 

Ryan wonders when everyone will just figure out that he’s a lost cause.

* * *

Brendon is conflicted yet again. He needs a distraction from this whole inescapable mess with Ryan. His mind drifts back to Sarah and he gives into his temptation and sends her a text. He’s shocked when she replies almost right away. He wonders how fast is too fast to move on?

He knows Ryan is going downhill at a breakneck pace, but he’s at a loss of what to do about it. Ryan won’t even so much as look at him let alone speak to him. The guys tell him they received a pretty similar reception when they call him on it. It’s only been about a week but already he can tell Ryan’s losing yet more weight. He clearly isn’t even keeping it a secret anymore. Clothes seem to hang off him and he hides himself in just about any bathroom he can find. His mood is even worse. He’s never seen this kind of darkness in his friend before. Of course Brendon is scared for him but he can’t force him to treatment. He feels like his fear is coming to life and he really is just going to watch his friend die. That he’ll just be another rockstar that burned to bright and is gone too soon.

He’d hoped leaving would be enough to knock some sense into Ryan but it only seemed to do the opposite. He’s unsure if Ryan is trying to prove some sort of sick point or if he actually wants to die. Both options make Brendon uneasy. Everyone keeps telling him that making a clean break was the best thing he could’ve done. If it’s so good then why does he feel so goddamn awful? Ryan’s a walking skeleton and he’s not getting any better. 

Letting out a deep breath he finally texts Sarah back. He apologizes for canceling their last meetup and asks if she wants to try again. He’s surprised again when she agrees. With a couple clicks he has a plane ticket booked for her and she’s gonna meet him at their next hotel stop. 

Brendon knows he should take Spencer’s advice, that he can’t set himself on fire to keep Ryan warm. He looks at the curtain of his bunk, knowing Ryan is just a few steps away. Though these days it feel more like they’re oceans apart. 

* * *

Ryan ends up in his hotel room alone, again. He brushes off repeated pleas to go out for dinner or to some party. That never was his scene. His stomach aches. It’s been almost four days since his last meal. He figures maybe since he’d been so good, that he can afford the calories of just one meal. He orders takeout and half an hour later, a delivery driver hands him a paper bag. Ryan sits down on the bed with it. The smell makes him instantly nauseous. He doesn’t want to eat it but he knew he should. He really doesn’t want to go down on stage again. Once was embarrassing enough. 

He swallows hard as he unpacks the bag. He knows eating a stupid meal shouldn’t be this hard. He knows it isn’t normal to struggle like this. He knows deep down that Brendon is right. He feels a pang of guilt as he thinks of Brendon. Is he really just going to give up the best thing that ever happened to him over a fucking eating disorder? He may be stubborn but he isn’t completely heartless. He takes a deep breath as he opens the styrofoam container of stir fry. He decides he’s going to eat this. He going to finish this meal and go find Brendon and apologize, tell him he’s right, that he needs help. He closes his eyes as he takes the first bite and swallows. With a trembling hand he takes another, and another. He finishes the entire container before he even realizing it. It’s the biggest meal he’d eaten in god knows how long. He wants to feel happy about it but instead he just feels numb.

Suddenly, he feels it all rise up in his throat. He’s running to the bathroom but this time it isn’t of his own will. Panic sets in. He knows that isn’t a good sign. He’s sure he’d read it somewhere that if food comes up when you don’t force it, it means you’ve done permanent damage. He tries to convince himself that maybe it’s just a fluke. He orders takeout again but from a different place. On this attempt he can’t get even half the meal down, scared and worked up. This time he sees streaks of red in the mess in the toilet bowl. Blood. Now he’s terrified. He doesn’t know what to do. He sits on the edge of the tub as he tries to gather himself. He needs to go find Brendon or just someone. There’s the spots dancing in his eyes again. He has to grab the sink to steady himself. Once he’s sure he can walk without falling over, he starts down the hall towards Brendon’s room.

As Ryan turns the corner, he sees a girl in a short dress knock on the door. He stops. Brendon greets her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek before taking her inside. Ryan frowns. Clearly Brendon is quick to move on. He feels his cheeks burning as he turns to head back to his room. His stomach aches. He can still taste the metallic tinge of blood in his mouth. His heart is racing to the point he thinks it just might jump out of his chest. He’s unsure if the shaking is from being cold or anxious at this point. His mind goes back to Brendon. Is Ryan that easy to forget that he can just be replaced in a week? He thinks to himself that this shouldn’t hurt as much as it does.

* * *

Ryan is scared to try to eat again. He’s tried twice in the last three days but it all comes right back up again. The blood’s still there too. He knows he should tell someone, or just take himself to the hospital but of course he doesn’t. He pops a few ibuprofen to try and deal with the pain. He’s just glad they don’t have a show tonight. 

He knows the tour’s going to end soon. Every time he thinks about what happens next he just draws a blank. He feels so out of it. Part of him wonders if he’s even going to make it to the next tour. 

They have a signing at some music shop, Ryan never bothers to ask which one. It never matters. He smiles and poses for the camera, scrawls his name on the album sleeves shoved at him by nervous teen girls. 

He’s thrown for a loop when one of them asks him point blank. “So do you have an eating disorder or something? Everyone is so jealous of how skinny you are.”

Ryan hopes he keeps his shock off his face. He can feel Brendon glaring daggers into the back of his head as he replies. “No. I’m just naturally this way,” with a forced smile.

* * *

At their next hotel night, Ryan’s wrestling with his own mind. Brendon brought that girl on the bus with him as they travelled between cities. He introduces her as his girlfriend and all the guys congratulate him, everyone but Ryan. It’s like they all forget that he exists. He can hear their hushed conversations as they giggle about this or that. He’s resorted to wearing headphones at all times to keep what’s left of his sanity. He tells himself that he shouldn’t be this jealous. If that girl is what Brendon really wants, then he should just let him go.

It’s never just that easy.

After sitting in silence for the better part of an hour, his thoughts drift back to Brendon again. Maybe if he can just fix himself, they could go back to the way things were and forget any of this ever happened. But on the other hand, does he even deserve to be happy?

He decides he can’t take the growling of his stomach anymore and orders a small salad from room service. He’s not really that surprised when he can’t keep it down but what does surprise him is the pain. He spits a mouthful of blood into the toilet. He feels genuinely scared. That’s more than any of the other times. It takes all the energy he has to get to his feet. He needs help: Brendon, Zack…anyone. 

He has one hand on the wall and the other wrapped around his middle as he walks down the hall. He can’t focus on anything. He can’t remember what room anyone is in. He stumbles to the one he thinks is Brendon’s but after a few steps he doubles over in pain. He crumples to the floor. Everything goes dark.

* * *

Sarah’s really starting to like Brendon. He’s charming and funny and very kind to her but something tells her his heart isn’t really in it. She notices how he’s all for intimacy one moment and then the next he shys away and drifts into his own head. She can’t help it but she’s a little curious and she wants to figure out why he’s acting this way. She’s formulated a plan. She wears the tightest outfit she’s brought with her. She figures if this doesn’t get him, nothing will.

Brendon is clearly nervous as she sits on the bed next to him. He sees her try to initiate with a gentle hand running up his thigh but he stops her. “Wait. Do you maybe wanna smoke first or something?” He asks.

She shrugs and nods. “Sure. Why not?”

He grabs the little altoids tin off the nightstand and takes a joint from it. He takes a deep breath to steady himself as he lights it. “I’m...kind of a virgin.” He lies to try and explain away his awkwardness. He closes his eyes as he takes a puff off the joint and passes it to her.

She gives him a small smile as she takes it. That would explain a lot, she thinks. She does briefly wonder if it’s true though. He’s a rich and famous rockstar, surely he has people throwing themselves at him for the chance. “It’s alright. There’s no need to be nervous. I promise you’ll enjoy it.” She leans a little closer to him as she hands the joint back after her hit. 

That does little to calm Brendon’s nerves. He wants to like this. This is what’s going to be what was best for the band, right? Make a clean break and move on, that’s what he keeps telling himself. And Sarah seems nice enough, she’s definitely beautiful. And probably way out of his league. If he tries hard enough he can see himself falling in love with her. It feels a bit wrong if he can’t give her his full heart though. 

After a few more hits she decides to be bold and moves to sit in Brendon’s lap. She smiles as she watches him finish off the joint, freeing his hands to wander her body now. He slides them down her sides. She takes one of his hands and guides it to her chest, encouraging him to squeeze. She lets out a soft moan at that.

Now that the weed has finally kicked in, Brendon’s quickly growing more confident. He kisses her deeply before moving and kissing at her neck. It was a move that always worked on Ryan, maybe it works the same on girls too? He shakes the thought of Ryan from his mind as he listens to her little noises of pleasure. She reaches behind herself to unclip her bra and pulls it off and tosses it aside. Brendon is a little amazed, he didn’t know that was a thing, that a girl could take off their bra without even taking off their clothes. He’s equal parts impressed and turned on.

She giggles at his look of bewilderment and takes the pause as a chance to slip her hand between them, palming at the front of Brendon’s jeans. “You’re big.” She remarks.

Brendon suddenly feels like they’re wearing way too many clothes for this. He tugs off his shirt, followed quickly by her dress. She lets him up so he can get rid of his pants. He kisses her again as he guides her so that she’s on her back on the bed. She spreads her legs, welcoming him between them. 

Brendon isn’t exactly used to this but he takes that as his cue. He’s never really been with a girl before, at least not in any way that counts. The sensation when he pushes into her feels all new and exciting. 

“Oh god.” She gasps as she wraps her legs around his waist. “You feel so good.” She grinds her hips down against his, trying to get all of him.

Unsure, Brendon starts slow and steady with his thrusts. He assumes she’s enjoying it, going off the look on her face and the way she’s rubbing at herself.

She uses her free hand to grab onto one of Brendon’s hips, encouraging him. “You can go harder. I promise you won’t break me.” She looks up at him through thick lashes.

He can’t help the way his mind flashes to the thought of how Ryan would give him a similar look when he sucked him off. He quickly snaps himself out of it. It's kind of an asshole move to think of Ryan when he’s balls deep in someone else. “Those are dangerous words.” He gives a dark laugh as he grabs onto her waist, changing the angle and slamming into with more force.

Sarah cries out and fists her hands in the sheets as she arches up off the bed. He presses his lips to hers, moaning into her mouth. “You can cum in me.” She tells him between kisses. “I’m on the pill.”

Brendon nods and pushes her knees up so he could get in her deeper. He doubts he has the self control to pull out at this point. It doesn’t take him much longer before he’s cumming in her with a breathless groan. She speeds up the hand she has rubbing at her clit and quickly follows him over the edge. 

She smiles as she gazes up at him. “Not bad for a virgin.” She teases, releasing her grip on him so he could pull out. 

Brendon moves to lay beside her. “How would I know?”

She reaches out to lay a hand on his chest. “You’ll just have to trust me on that one.” She blushes when he tucks a stray bit of her hair back behind her ear.

“You aren’t gonna tell the press are you?” He asks.

She shakes her head. “No. I don’t give a shit about notoriety. I just thought you were the cute one. Though you might wanna tell that one dancer that he doesn’t have to tell the crowd you're a virgin anymore.” She jokes. 

Brendon smiles. “Why are you being so sweet to me?”

“You just seemed like maybe you needed it.” She answers with a shrug.

He gently places his hand over the one she has on his chest. It’s kind of nice to have someone give a shit about him even though they have no real obligation to. 

“How come a gorgeous girl like you isn’t already taken?” Brendon smiles and nudges her side. 

“Guys get all uppity when girls have standards I guess.” She tangles her fingers with Brendon’s. “Why don’t we go get some dinner? I’m starving after all that. I could really go for some sushi.”

Brendon nods. “That sounds great actually.” He stretches before getting up. He hands her dress and underwear back as he picks through the pile of clothes they’d scattered. “Ready?” He asks with a smile.

“Yep.” She smiles and grabs her purse, following him out. She glances over when she sees someone laying on the floor in the middle of the hallway. She hears Brendon’s gasp and she moves out of the way.

Brendon’s heart sinks when he comes to the realization that the person passed on the floor is Ryan. He’s convinced his worst fear is about to come true and he just found his friend dead. He sprints over to him and drops to his knees next to him. The world feels like it’s moving in slow motion as he shakes Ryan’s shoulder but he gets no response. When Brendon rolls him over he can see how all the colour seems drained from Ryan’s face, save for the dried blood in the corners of his mouth. This can’t be happening, he tells himself. Somewhere in his panic-addled mind he makes himself check Ryan’s pulse. It’s there, but barely. “Call 911. Please!” He begs Sarah, looking up at her with tears in his eyes.

She scrambles to grab her phone from her purse. She dials and starts talking to the dispatcher but she feels like she’s no real help. She has no clue what’s going on so she passes the phone off to Brendon. 

Brendon presses the phone to his ear, using his shoulder to hold it up as he tries to shake Ryan awake again. “He’s 19. I don’t know what happened. I found him like this. I think there’s blood coming out of his mouth. He collapsed once before this and they told it was low blood sugar but he doesn’t really eat and…”

The dispatcher cuts him off. “Okay dear. I need you to calm down and just listen to me, okay? I need you to tell me if he’s breathing.”

Brendon hold a shaking hand in front of his nose. “It’s kinda faint, but he is.”

“That’s a good sign.” The dispatcher encourages. “The ambulance isn’t far away but I want you to stay on the line with me until they get there.” She guides him on how to check Ryan’s pulse next. 

“It feels weak too.” Brendon replies as he keeps his fingers pressed to Ryan’s neck. He needs to know he’s still alive. He only lets go once the paramedics get there and push him out of the way. He rushes down the hall and bangs on Spencer’s door. 

Spencer answers quickly, alarmed by the frantic knocking. His stomach drops when he sees the expression on Brendon’s face. He just knows something is really wrong. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Ryan.” Brendon points down the hall, not explaining more before taking off. Just as he rounds the corner, he stops. He hears them yell “clear!” and watches in horror as Ryan’s body jolts. It feels like something out of a movie. The world feels like it stands still. One of the medics checks Ryan’s pulse and shakes his head. They shock him again.

Spencer catches up to Brendon just as they’re shocking Ryan for the second time. He reaches out and grips Brendon’s arm. This is worse than he ever could’ve thought. He’s terrified he’s about to watch his best friend die. He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when they announce they have a pulse back. They work quickly to get Ryan transferred up onto the stretcher. 

One of the paramedics looks at them. “Are one of you two coming with him?”

“I am.” Brendon replies quickly. “Take him. I’ll follow.” He rushes over to Sarah and hands her phone back. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. I need to make sure he’s okay.”

She nods and puts her phone away. “It’s no problem. I understand. Just let me know if you’re both okay. Text me later, alright?”

Brendon nods and hurries to take the stairs down to the lobby. He gets there just as they’re wheeling Ryan out of the elevator. He’s out of breath but follows them onto the back of the ambulance.

On the ride to the hospital, Ryan comes to, absolutely frantic. His chest aches, everything hurts, he’s strapped down, everything’s too bright and he has no clue where he is. Brendon grips his hand and murmurs reassurances but they didn’t register with him. He tries to thrash to get out of the bindings but strong hands hold him down.

“You need to calm down Ryan.” The medic tells him. “Your heart just stopped and it could stop again if you don’t relax.” He glances up at the rising numbers on the monitor as it beeps. 

The other medic readies a syringe of medication in case they’re going to have to restart his heart again. 

Ryan locks eyes with Brendon, looking absolutely terrified. Their words aren’t making any sense to him and he has no clue what’s happening.

Next thing he knows it’s just a flurry of movement as he’s ripped away from Brendon. _“19 year old male. Cardiac arrest on scene...”_ A paramedic tells the attending physician. _“He’s been combative and confused since he woke up. He was mostly stable on the way but…”_ Ryan’s just convinced he’s dying. This is how he goes out, not with a bang but with a fucking whimper. The fluorescent lights of the hospital room hurt his eyes. He fights the doctors as they start running tests on him. Someone has to hold him down so they can draw blood. _“We might need to sedate him…”_ one of them says. 

He literally worries himself sick. Someone props him up and holds a container under his mouth as his body pushes out whatever was left in his gut. He hears one of them say _“blood in the vomit...need to check for ulcers…”_ He doesn’t care. All he wants is Brendon back. He’s scared half to death as he cries his name. If he’s going to die he at least wants someone he loves by his side. 

Brendon anxiously paces the waiting room he’d been ushered into. He can hear Ryan crying out for him and it shatters his heart. He realizes much too late that he’s not really mad at Ryan, he never really was. He just needs and wants his friend to be okay. He needs a chance to heal what he’d had a hand in fucking up. Try as he might, he can’t convince himself that he doesn’t want Ryan. He should want Sarah instead. He should want stability. Instead he’s just drawn back into him again.

He keeps going up to the nurses station every few minutes and begging to be let back there. He texts a quick update to Spencer so they know what hospital to come to. He sends one to Sarah too but he pushes down his guilt over her for now. Only once the doctors check Ryan over do they send someone over to talk to Brendon. 

“He’s stable for now.” The doctor tells Brendon. “We’re running tests on him now to figure out why this happened. Cardiac arrest in someone that young is really rare.”

Brendon nods, shifting his stance from one foot to the other, just wanting to get to Ryan. “He has an eating disorder. He won’t admit it, but it goes back a long time. He’s been struggling with it bad lately.” He tells him, just feeling like this is all his fault. 

“I’ll make sure to add that to his file. It would explain the ulcer and why he’s vomiting blood.”

“Can I see him now?” Brendon asks impatiently.

The doctor nods. “Follow me.” He leads him down a hall and pulls back the curtain to the room and lets Brendon inside before closing it behind him.

Ryan looks impossibly frail as he lays there in the hospital bed. Wires and tubes come off him in every which way. He has a hospital gown that was hastily tied around him and he’s balled up beneath the blankets, shivering and crying.

Brendon hurries to his bedside and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Ry.” He says softly when he notices Ryan flinch. “It’s just me. It’s alright. I’m here.” He takes off his coat and drapes it over Ryan.

Ryan sniffles and pulls the coat more around himself. “I’m sorry.” He whimpers as he looks up at the other. “You were right and I’m so so sorry.”

Brendon brushes his hair back out of his face and shushes him. “It’s okay.”

Ryan shakes his head. “I tried to fix it…” he told him. “I tried. I ate something but I can’t keep anything down anymore. It all just comes up without me even trying. I tried to eat again but then there was blood. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared. I tried to find you or someone and then I-I don’t remember…”

Brendon takes hold of one of Ryan’s hands and gives it a squeeze. “It’s alright. You need to relax for me, okay? Your heart stopped twice and getting worked up like this isn’t going to help. I know it’s hard but you need to stay calm.”

Ryan squeezes his eyes shut. He hates feeling this vulnerable. ”I don’t think I want to live like this anymore.”

Brendon’s all but holding back tears of his own at this point. “I know. We can find someplace that will help you.”

Ryan takes a deep breath as he tries to calm himself the best he can. He rubs at his aching chest with his free hand. “I’m just scared.”

Brendon scoots his chair closer. “I’ll be right here the whole time. I promise I won’t leave.”

Ryan can’t stop the anxiety as it quickly creeps back up on him. “I can’t put this all on you.” He tries not to break down yet again.

“Shut up and stop it. I’m not going anywhere.” Brendon replies firmly.

Ryan feels like even more of his personal walls are just coming crumbling down. His carefully crafted facade is failing. His voice sounds weak as he speaks. “Can you just hold me? Please.” In truth he missed the warmth of Brendon’s touch. Even if he’s never going to have it again after this, right now he just needs him.

Brendon stands and carefully moves the monitor leads and IV tubes out of the way before climbing into the empty space beside him. He wraps his arms around him and holds him close. He feels Ryan’s shivering start to lessen and just figures it’s helping.

Ryan hides his face in Brendon’s chest, wanting to just lay like this and block out the world. He wants to forget what a monster this disorder is turning him into. More importantly, he doesn’t want to see that sad look on Brendon’s face ever again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes hospital rooms are the closest thing to confessionals.

Brendon can’t help but feel that there’s so much between them that’s just been left unsaid as he watches Ryan sleep in his arms. He wonders if Ryan really meant it when he said he wanted to get help. He hopes so. He wants to see Ryan get better. He believes in him, he knows Ryan could do it if he actually tries. He thinks that if being in the hospital and a near death experience isn’t enough to convince him that he’s struggling, then he doesn’t know what will.

Spencer and John show up about an hour later, having finally found their way to the hospital. “Hey.” Spencer says gently.

Brendon holds a finger to his lips to shush him and points down to Ryan sleeping. “I just got him calmed down.” He murmurs.

Spencer nods and sits down in the empty chair beside the bed. With all the medical stuff Ryan looks tiny and frail. Sharp collarbones and too pale skin. It hits him hard. He feels like he should’ve been more forceful with stepping in. Ryan needs help. He needed it long before this. He feels like a shitty friend for just watching it all happen.

* * *

It’s about an before Ryan finally wakes up. His neck is stiff from the awkward position and when he shifts he realizes it’s Brendon holding him. So this isn’t just some weird dream, he thinks. He looks down at his hands and sees the heart monitor clipped to his finger and IV line taped to the back of his hand. He tries to remember what happened but he can only recall bits and pieces.

He can hear the others talking because they don’t realize he’s awake yet. He lets his eyes slip back closed as he listens in.

Spencer leans forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees and letting out a sigh. “I feel so damn guilty. I’ve known Ry since we were little. I should’ve noticed something was wrong sooner.”

Jon just shakes his head. “It's not your fault. I had friends in high school who did similar stuff, throwing up after lunch. And that’s the thing is you never really notice until it’s too late. They’re good at hiding it.”

“He’s hidden it for longer than you’d think.” Brendon adds with a frown. “Years at this point.”

“Fuck.” Spencer covers his face with his hands. “This is really bad, isn’t it?”

Brendon nods. “It’s life or death at this point. If he doesn’t agree to get help now, we’ll lose him for sure.”

“We’ve all tried to talk him into it, what else can we even do at this point?” Jon asks. “He’s shut us all out.”

Brendon bites his lower lip, feeling guilty. He knows this downward spiral is partially his fault. If he hadn’t broken up with Ryan, maybe he wouldn’t be laying in a hospital bed right now. “We’ll find a way to talk him into it. We have to.”

Spencer rubs at his eyes. “Just be glad you didn’t have to watch them shock him back to life, Jon. That was terrifying. I thought for sure we were gonna lose him…”

Jon puts a reassuring hand on Spencer’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been scary.”

“Trust me it was.” Brendon adds. “I felt like my heart stopped right along with his.”

Ryan waits for the room to go quiet before he opens his eyes with a tired yawn. When he sits up he sees all eyes on him. “What?” He asks.

“Your…” Spencer points at the string that’d come undone, causing his hospital gown to hang open.

They can all see how deathly skinny he’s gotten in full view now. His skin clings to his ribs and they seem to show more with every breath. There’s deep valleys where his collarbone meets his neck. His stomach looks almost concave. With the evidence right in front of them it becomes pretty hard to deny. 

Ryan quickly fumbles to tie it back up, flushing with embarrassment. “Will you all stop looking at me like that?”

“You scared the shit out of all of us today.” Spencer said, sounding a bit frustrated. “So forgive us if we’re more than a little worried about you.”

“I’m fine. Stop wo-.”

Brendon cuts him off. “No. Don’t start with that.” Brendon says firmly. “We watched you almost die today. You can’t play dumb anymore. You need to get help.”

Ryan feels anxious and put on the spot. “I-I...can’t.” He looks down so he doesn’t have to see all their disappointed looks.

“Why not?” Jon asks.

Ryan shakes his head. “Because that means they’re gonna lock me up somewhere and I can’t do that.”

Brendon sighs. “If that’s what it takes then so be it. We’ll find a way to work around it. You can’t just ignore it and hope it will fix itself. You’re sick Ryan. If you had a broken leg you wouldn’t keep walking around on it. You’d go to the doctor and get a cast. How is this any different?”

Ryan picks at a loose thread on the hem of the shitty, scratchy hospital blanket. “You want me to be locked up? That’s kind of cruel.”

“I don’t want you locked up. I want you to get treatment. There’s a big difference.” Brendon tells him.

“He’s right.” Spencer adds. “Is your disorder really worth throwing away everything you’ve ever worked for?”

It takes a long moment for Ryan to reply as he wrestles with his mind for the answers. “No.” He says quietly. “It’s not.”

* * *

That night, Jon and Spencer go back to the hotel. Brendon volunteers to stay with Ryan. Not that he would’ve left anyway. He can tell that Ryan is much more relaxed now without as much of an audience. 

“Don’t you have your girlfriend to be with or something?” Ryan asks, curled up on his side in the bed. Even with Brendon’s jacket and two blankets he’s still so cold. 

“She knows where I am.” Brendon shrugs. “She understands.”

“Does she even know about us?” Ryan asks after a moment.

Brendon’s expression falls and he shakes his head. “No. I didn’t tell her.”

Ryan sighs. “That ashamed of even being with me?” He asks.

“No. It’s not that at all.”

“Then what is it then?” Ryan narrows his gaze.

“I just wanted a fresh start.” He speaks. “Maybe I was a little quick to move forward but I didn’t want her to think less of me because my ex is in my band and I have to see him every day.”

“If she’s more important, then you can just leave.” Ryan says coldly. 

“I’m staying. She understands I need to be here.” Brendon tries to defend.

Ryan sighs and looks down. “It makes me feel like I didn’t even mean a damn thing to you. You didn’t even wait a week. You brought her on the road with us. How the hell did you expect me to feel?”

“You shut me out, Ry. I don’t know how you feel because you never let me know. I can’t read your damn mind.”

“You can’t say you love me one second, then walk away the next. That’s not fair. You wanted me to let you in. I did. Then you took my heart and fucking crushed it.”

Brendon takes a deep breath, exhaling through his nose. “I really don’t want to fight right now. You’re not supposed to be getting stressed out either.”

Ryan leans his head back against the mattress, staring up at the ceiling. “Then just answer my one question: do you still love me?”

Brendon swallows hard, only hesitating only a moment. He sits on the edge of the bed and cups Ryan’s face in one of his hands. “I never really stopped.” He leaned down to kiss him. 

Ryan doesn’t say anything when they part. He just presses himself to one side of the bed, making room for Brendon. Brendon gladly takes the invitation and smiles softly when the other curls up to him. He wraps his arms around Ryan and that’s how they stay the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning the nurse pulls back the curtain to Ryan’s room to let in a visitor. Ryan has to rub his eyes to make sure he isn’t just seeing things. He isn’t. He wonders how in the hell this woman keeps finding him. 

She takes one look at the two of them on the bed and sneers. “Hello Ryan.”

At the sound of the strange voice, Brendon stirs. He does a similar move to Ryan, double checking to make sure his eyes aren’t deceiving him. He pulls away from Ryan and sits up. He glances between Ryan and the woman, wondering what the hell is going on.

Ryan swallows hard. “What are you doing here? How did you even know I was here?”

“The hospital called me.” She lied. She’s actually tracked him down through his management. It was easy enough to get the information she wanted if she acted concerned enough. “I was wondering why you didn’t bother showing up to the funeral.”

Ryan makes a mental note to make sure any mention of his mother is taken off his files. “Well now you know. Now you can fuck off into whatever pit of hell you slithered out of.”

“I see time has done little to even your temper. Shame. I assumed almost dying usually does that to a person.” His mother shakes her head. 

Ryan can feel his heart starting to race. It makes his chest ache with the effort. “Leave.” He demands.

“Not yet. I want to talk to you.” She glares at Brendon and clears her throat. “Alone.”

Brendon stiffens. “No way in hell am I leaving him alone with you.” He remembers what a mess she left Ryan in the last time. The deep hurt in his eyes, the sounds as he cried. He doesn’t want to let Ryan be subjected to that again. This time, he isn’t going to just theme this lying down.

“I can get the nurses to kick you out cause you’re not family.” She threatens, a cold unfeeling look in her eyes.

“He’s more family to me than you’ll ever be.” Ryan snaps. “Get out.”

“Now Ryan, I’m very disappointed that you didn’t come to the funeral. All that money I spent on your suit just went to waste. The suit is too big to fit any of your brothers so we can’t even use it.”

The subtle dig at his weight doesn’t go unnoticed. He flinches and reflexively wraps his arms around his middle to shield himself. “Is that what you’re after? Money? You ignore me for a decade but suddenly you only care cause you think I’m rich and famous?”

“I expect reimbursement for the suit is all.” She tells him. “I think it’s the least you can do.”

“You aren’t getting an fucking cent. Unlike you, I worked my ass off for that money. I don’t just fuck whatever rich guy looks in my direction.”

She smirks as she looks between the two of him. “You do fuck him through, right?” She says with disdain as she points at Brendon. “It was a mistake to let your father raise you. I know it wasn’t me who turned you into a little faggot.”

Brendon grits his teeth. “Now listen here, bitch. You don’t get fucking talk to him that way. I don’t know where you found the fucking audacity…”

Ryan feels his ears start to ring and it drowns out their words. His chest feels tight and he can feel his heart just pounding. He presses the nurse call button. He’s starting to feel more and more faint. He weakly nudges Brendon’s arm to get his attention, trying to signal for help. He falls back limp against the bed, the heart monitor beeping loudly.

The nurse who’d come in to answer the call button sees the monitor and turns back to yell. “Code blue!” She quickly ushers the two out of the room and flattens the bed to start CPR. Quickly the room fills with people, all of them trying to save Ryan’s life.

Now that she has an audience she flips almost like a switch. “My baby! My baby! Let me in!” She cries dramatically. 

A security guard moves her out of the way. “Ma’am you have to let the doctors do their work. Calm down.”

Brendon braces himself against the wall. He can see what’s going on through the little window by the door. He sees someone on top of Ryan doing chest compressions. They only stop and move off when they shock him. He ignores Ryan’s mother’s fake hysterics when she redirects onto him. He can’t take his eyes off of Ryan. There’s more people now and it’s hard for him to see all of what’s going on. 

**_Ryan opens his eyes but everything around his is black. Just dark as far as the eye can see. He sits up. Why is he just laying on the ground? He fumbles around in the dark for something but what? He doesn’t know. His fingers hit something solid. He moves up and feels a string. He pulls it and suddenly there’s a bit of light. This time when he looks around he can actually see. It seems like a hotel room. One out of the hundreds he’d stayed in. Beige walls, a tv, a quilt that smells a little too much like detergent. He’s not on the ground but in a bed._ **

**_He feels a hand grab his arm, just above the wrist. “Babe, what’re you doing?” The voice is thick with sleep. Warm. Masculine._ **

**_He looks down and sees someone with their face down in the pillow, but he’d recognize that fluffy brown hair anywhere. Brendon. He reaches out and smooths it down. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.” He tells him._ **

**_He notices as Brendon’s hand snakes back under the covers that there’s a silver band on his ring finger._ **

**_He doesn’t have time to think about what that means. The lamp flicks off and he feels like someone has grabbed him by the chest and is forcefully dragging him upward._ **

_“We have a pulse!”_ One of the nurses calls out, eyes glued to the monitor. Brendon overhears and tears start to stream down his cheeks. He releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Ryan is alive and that’s all that matters to him. 

Ryan awakes with a strangled gasp. He barely comprehends all the chatter happening above him. He tries to speak but he realizes there’s a tube in his mouth. Panicked, he tries to reach for it to get it out. Someone holds his hands down. _“We need to sedate him. Now.”_ He feels a sharp jab in his arm and his world fades to black yet again.

Ryan’s mom has to be dragged away by security. She goes out fighting, screaming shit about how they can’t keep her from her son and how she’s going to sue them for such cruel treatment. Brendon isn’t the least bit sad to see her go. 

Brendon’s taken to a waiting room and told that they need to transfer Ryan to the ICU so he can be monitored. Brendon calls Spencer’s phone and leaves a voicemail. He doesn’t think he makes much sense through the sobbing but he just needs someone to be there with him. 

Spencer and Jon arrive twenty minutes later and find Brendon curled up in one of the hard plastic waiting room chairs. “Hey.” Spencer sits next to him and places a hand on his arm. “Are you alright?”

Brendon shakes his head and hides his face in his hands to keep them from having to see him cry. “No.” He sniffles.

“What happened?” Spencer asks. “You guys seemed alright when we left last night. I thought he was stable.”

“I did too.” Brendon grabs a tissue from one of the tables and blows his nose. “But then his bitch of a mom had to show up and ruin everything.”

“What?” Spencer looks confused.

“She said the hospital called her. She just started in on her shit like last time. Belittling him and begging for money. Next thing I know he’s just limp in my arms.” Brendon swallows hard. “They almost couldn’t bring him back. He’s getting moved to the ICU now.”

Spencer pulls Brendon into a hug. “I’m really sorry you had to witness that.”

Brendon pushes Spencer back and looks down. “I need some air.”

“I’m coming with.” Spencer tells him.

They follow the signs and end up in the hospital courtyard. Spencer points out a concrete bench underneath a tree. They both sit down.

“Take a deep breath, man.” Spencer instructs. “You’re gonna be okay. He’s gonna be okay.”

“You don’t know that.” Brendon clenches the crumpled up tissue in his fist. “You didn’t have to watch him almost die.”

Spencer frowns. “I’m sorry.”

Brendon takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes. “The worst part was the fucking three ring circus act that bitch put on. She really laid it on thick.” He imitates her “My baby! My baby!” He rolls his eyes. “He wasn’t her baby five minutes before that when she wanted something out of him.”

“I was never around her much but she always blamed Ryan for everything growing up. I can’t understand what she got out of bullying a literal child. It always seemed to weigh heavy on Ryan even then.”

“I fucking hate her guts.” Brendon declares.

“He was never really the same after she took off. That’s when he started to shut down, I think. He became a lot more guarded with people. Even me.”

Brendon slams his fist down on his leg in frustration. “She’s lucky I didn’t make her join his dad. They can both rot in hell.”

Spencer pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offers one to Brendon. He lights them both before sitting back. “She’s kind of a textbook narcissist. It’s easy to see where Ryan gets his stubbornness from.”

Brendon nods and takes a puff from the cigarette, blowing the smoke into the cool afternoon air. “Ryan’s definitely his own brand of frustrating.”

They fall into silence, both caught up in their own worries. Spencer checks his phone when it dings. “Jon says the doctor wants to talk to you.” 

Brendon springs up and drops the cigarette, stomping it out with his foot. He follows Spencer back inside. 

The doctor looks up from his clipboard when Brendon comes in. He introduces himself and shakes Brendon’s hand. “As you already know, Mr. Ross suffered another cardiac episode. He’s very lucky to have been in a hospital when it happened. He’s stable now but we had to put him in a medically induced coma.”

“For how long?” Brendon asks, voice shaking.

“For a couple of days at least. In his current condition he’s going to need time to recover. Doing so under sedation is the best thing for him right now.”

“What about his eating disorder?” He questions.

“For the time being he’ll be fed through a tube. Once he’s awake again the psychiatrist will consult with him and discuss his treatment options.”

Brendon nods. “Can we see him now?”

“Yes.” The doctor replies. “But only one visitor at a time is allowed in ICU rooms. And I have to warn you that he might not look the best. He’s hooked up to a ventilator to breathe for him and some more advanced heart monitoring equipment. It will seem like a lot but it’s all necessary to keep him alive.”

Brendon takes a shaky breath and nudges Spencer. “Can you go first? I-I’m not sure if I’m ready yet.”

Spencer gives his friends one last glance before following the doctor back to Ryan’s room. Spencer blinks back tears as he pulls a chair up beside Ryan’s bed and sits down. It’s a lot to take in all at once. Ryan’s chest rises and falls along with the soft whirring from one of the machines. Spencer thinks there might be more tubes than there is Ryan. He takes Ryan’s limp hand in his clammy one. “You can’t leave us, Ry.” He speaks softly. “We need you. You’re so, so loved, even if you can’t see it right now.”

Spencer wipes his eyes a few minutes later before going back to the waiting room. “Are you ready or do you want Jon to go instead? He asks Brendon.

Brendon takes a deep breath and fights the numb feeling in his gut. “It’s alright. I’ll go.” He follows Spencer back. He feels like his own heart stops when he finally sees Ryan. Now he knows why Spencer had that look in his face. His stomach is in knots as he sits in the chair and puts his hand over Ryan’s.

Spencer manages to convince the nurse to let him in the room with Brendon for just a little bit. He explains he needs to be there for his friend. She nods and tells him to go in. Spencer stands behind Brendon and places a hand on his shoulder. “I know it looks bad…”

“It’s awful.” Brendon sniffles and shakes his head. “We need to cancel the rest of the tour. I’m not going out there. Not while he’s laying here like this. It’s not fair.”

“I know. I’ll talk to the label when we get back. I’m sure Pete will understand. I’ll make sure of it.” He gives Brendon’s shoulder a squeeze. “How are you holding up?”

Brendon turns his focus back to Ryan. “I’ll be fine. It’s Ry you should be worried about.”

Spencer hates seeing his friend this upset. “Do you want me to give you a few minutes alone with him?”

Brendon nods.

“Okay. I’m gonna go get you some lunch. You need to eat something. Shoot a text if you need anything.”

* * *

Brendon vents his feelings aloud to Ryan for the next three days, even though he knows he doesn’t hear a word of them. It just feels good to say them. Sarah visits and tells him she’s worried. He hasn’t left Brendon’s side for more than a bathroom break since he’d been put in intensive care. He brushes her off. He’s not sure how to process his feelings towards her anymore. He’s just too much of a coward to tell her. It doesn’t stop her from being kind though. She comes by with food and coffee, and tries to make him take time for himself, albeit unsuccessfully.

* * *

Brendon is nervous as he watches the doctor give Ryan the medicine to reverse the sedative. He feels like decades tick by in the time it takes Ryan to finally wake up.

Ryan coughs and sputters as the tube is pulled from his throat. He swallows and his throat feels so dry and scratchy. He rubs at his eyes, trying to get rid of the dull ache behind them. He feels groggy as the doctor checks him over. When he’s finally a little more awake, that’s when he notices Brendon. He’s hunched over in a chair in the corner. There’s that sad look again. “W-what happened?” His voice sounds foreign even to his own ears.

“Your heart stopped again.” Brendon explains, moving closer once the doctor leaves. “They had to sedate you and keep you on tubes and stuff to keep you alive and let your body heal.” 

Ryan groans, muscles feeling stiff and sore as he shifts onto his side. “How long was I out?”

“Almost four days.”

Ryan frowns and that’s when he notices something weird. He reaches up and feels a tube taped to his face leading from his nose. “What the hell?” He starts to pick at the tape.

Brendon moves his hand away. “It’s a feeding tube.” He tells him. “Leave it alone.”

Ryan feels sick at the thought. They’d been feeding him this whole time and he didn’t even know it, didn’t even consent to it. He feels panic twist in his guts. How much weight had he gained? How much progress was lost?

“Ryan…” Brendon shakes his shoulders to try and snap him out of it. “RYAN!” He says more forcefully this time.

It seems to work and Ryan looks up at him and lets his hands fall into his lap.

“Stop.” Brendon said gently. “Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

Ryan rubs at his stomach. He swears he can already feel it and hears the voice of self hatred in the back of his mind telling him to get rid of it. “I’m gonna be fat and disgusting.”

Brendon settles on the edge of the bed. “Ry. I saw when they weighed you. You’re 94 pounds. You’re so damn lucky this didn’t kill you.”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. You’re wrong.”

“I saw it with my own eyes, Ryan. You’re skin and bones. You need to put on weight and because of the ulcer in your esophagus they need to do it by tube.” Brendon put a hand on Ryan’s knee.

“You can’t force me to do it.” Ryan’s hand moved back to the tube, picking at the tape again.

“They can for the next 72 hours if they decide to put you on a psych hold.” 

Ryan shakes his head again. “They can’t just do that. I’m not a crazy person. I’m not suicidal.”

“But you are a danger to yourself.” Brendon told him. “And don’t you even argue against that. You’ve starved yourself down to the weight of like a ten year old. How is that not dangerous?”

“Well I’m not dead, aren’t I?” 

“Ryan.” Brendon’s voice wavers. “Is that what you want? Do you want to die?”

Ryan thoughts screech almost to a halt. Did he? Was that what he was really after the whole time? “No.” He answers, barely above a whisper. “I didn’t want to die, just wanted to be good enough.”

“You are good enough.” Brendon tells him, hooking a finger under Ryan’s chin and forcing him to meet his gaze. 

“Not for you.” He says, shutting his eyes tightly.

“You’re more than good enough for me.” Brendon adds softly. “But I want you to feel like you’re good enough for yourself too.” He brushes his thumb over Ryan’s lower lip. “You deserve that much.”

Ryan feels a few tears trail down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, face flushing with embarrassment.

“Ry. Look at me.” 

Slowly, Ryan opens his eyes and focuses them on Brendon.

“I love you. That never changed. I promise you that.” His fingers caress Ryan’s too sharp cheekbones.

“No. You lost your chance. Besides, aren’t you with Sarah now?” Ryan pulls away from his touch.

“Yeah but…” Brendon fumbles for words. 

“Get out.” Ryan’s voice shook.

“Wait, just let me-“

Ryan cuts him off. “No. I said leave.”

Brendon finally relents. He shoots a glance over his shoulder as he leaves and shuts the door behind him. He’s waiting for the elevator when it dings and Sarah and Spencer step out of it. 

Sarah seems more than a little shocked to see Brendon out of the room. She hadn’t been able to say anything to peel him from Ryan’s side the last few days. “Oh. Hey babe.” She smiles. “I was just coming to drop this off for you.” She holds up a large paper cup.

Brendon takes it quietly and walks past them, into the open elevator. 

Spencer sticks his arm in the door to stop it from closing. “Wait. What’s going on?” He asked.

Brendon shrugs. “He’s awake. He doesn’t want to see me.” 

Sarah and Spencer exchange looks and she wordlessly steps back into the elevator. She nods, motioning that she’d take care of him.

Spencer lets the door close. He notices that Brendon’s gaze is glued to the ground the whole time. He sighs and turns to walk down the room. He knocks lightly on the door before entering. He can hear muffled crying. 

“Brendon, I told you to get out.” Ryan mumbles with his face hidden in the pillow he had clutched to his chest.

“I’m not Brendon so don’t worry.” Spencer says as he steps closer and sits in the chair that Brendon had vacated. 

Ryan is quick to wipe his eyes and pretend like he wasn’t just crying. “Oh, uh hey.” He says, voice a little scratchy.

“What happened?” Spencer asks. “We ran into Brendon on the way in but he didn’t really say anything.”

“We?” Ryan questions.

“Oh. Sarah came with me. She wanted to drop off a coffee for Brendon.” Spencer tells him.

Ryan rolls his eyes. “How nice.”

“He hasn’t left your side this whole time. I practically had to break his arm to make him take bathroom breaks.” 

Ryan rubs at his face. “He was only here cause he felt guilty.”

Spencer sighs and shakes his head. “No. He was here because he loves you, Ry.”

“He doesn’t.” Ryan sniffles. “No one really does.”

“I do.” Spencer defends. “You’re my best friend on the entire planet. Even if nothing else, you always have me.”

Ryan looks down, fidgeting with the monitor clipped to his index finger. “I don’t deserve that kind of loyalty.”

“Why do you think that?” Spencer asks, trying his best to keep his tone soft. He doesn’t really want to upset Ryan any more than he already is. 

“It’s not a thought. It’s a fact.” 

“You deserve good things Ry.” He tells him honestly. “You deserve to have people that care about you and have your back. You deserve the success I know you worked so damn hard for. You deserve to be healthy and happy.”

“That’s the thing.” Ryan shrugs his shoulders. “I haven’t been happy in so long I think I forgot how. That part of me is fully broken.”

“Broken maybe, but not beyond repair.” Spencer offers.

“Now you just sound like Brendon.”

“It’s true though. I know you Ry. You’ve never once given up without a fight. You’re better than this disorder. You can beat it.” Spencer sets his hand on Ryan’s knee and squeezes briefly.

Ryan shakes his head. “Don’t you think I’ve tried to beat it before? It never works and each time I end up sinking just a little deeper.”

Spencer nods. “But this time is different. This time you have so many people that care about you. This time you can get real help.”

“I don’t need help.” Ryan sighs deeply. He’s tired of being so damn unsure of what he feels anymore. 

“You know that’s not true.” Spencer says, not letting it go just yet. “I don’t understand why you can’t see that.”

Ryan wipes his eyes again. “I never thought I’d make it even this far.”

“What do you mean?” Spencer prompts.

“I honestly thought I’d be dead years ago.” He admits. 

Spencer stills, trying to carefully pick his words. “But you’re not like, thinking about doing that now, are you?”

Ryan just shrugs. He honestly wasn’t sure if he thought his eating disorder was going to kill him as a side effect or if he wanted it to happen on purpose. “No...I don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter. You guys would get over it.”

“No I wouldn’t.” Spencer tells him firmly. “I’d be devastated. I’d never just get over that. Like it or not Ryan, you are loved. You can’t change that.”

“Then what am I supposed to do when the one person I want to love me just doesn’t?” 

Spencer gives a small smile. “He does love you Ry. He just needs to pull his head out of his ass long enough to see it. I don’t know what the hell he’s doing with Sarah, but something tells me he’s just using her to try and drown his true feelings.”

“I’ll never be enough for him though. Him leaving was an inevitability. I guess it was better to happen sooner than later.”

“What do you mean ‘you’ll never be enough’ for him?” Spencer questions.

“He was always mad that I wanted to keep us a secret. I just felt like some things aren’t for public consumption. I wanted it to just stay between us. Brendon didn’t want to hide. He wanted to tell the whole damn world. I can never give him that. I can’t give him the one thing he wants.”

* * *

“Please tell me what’s going on.” Sarah urges as they ride the elevator back down to the hospital lobby. 

“I can’t talk about it. Not here.” He brushes her off and walks out as the door chimes. 

She follows after him. “Then we’ll go somewhere else. Come on. There’s a cafe around the corner.” She loops her arm around Brendon’s elbow.

He lets her guide him to said coffee shop. They pick a table in the corner away from everyone else. She won’t stop shooting him worried little glances. She’s more than a bit worried that it was something she did. 

“Now.” She says, settling in the booth seat across from him. “Can you please let me inside that pretty little head of yours?”

Brendon closes his eyes and sighs. When he opens them again, she’s still looking at him with that pleading gaze. “I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to come out with it.” He takes another deep breath to steel himself. “I’m...I’m kind of in love with him. I’m so sorry.”

She couldn’t say she was all that surprised by the news but she put her hands on his anyway. “I know. Anyone with eyes can see that.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you and didn’t tell you sooner. I just didn’t want you to be scared off because I sleep like five feet from my ex lover every night.” 

She squeezes his hand. “It’s okay. I sorta knew from the beginning your heart wasn’t really in it. I kept seeing the looks you gave him and assumed maybe it was just coincidence. But seeing you in the hospital with him just solidified it for me.”

Brendon feels like a weight has been finally lifted from his shoulders and he can finally breathe again. He even musters a smile. “But what does that mean for us?” He asks.

She shrugs. “There’s nothing that says we can’t part as friends. It was fun while it lasted and I don’t regret it, not even for a second.”

He slides one of her hands between his. “Thank you. For being so understanding. I definitely don’t deserve it after the way I treated you.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” She smiles. “I’m gonna go grab us both another coffee, alright?”

Brendon nods. While he’s waiting he leans on the table and pulls out his phone. He goes to open his Twitter feed but accidentally opens his photo album instead. He can’t help himself and starts scrolling through some of the pictures, reliving old memories. He doesn’t realize he’s stopped on a photo of him and Ryan. They’re both sprawled on a couch laughing with Ryan half across Brendon’s lap. What they were laughing about what he can’t quite remember. Ryan didn’t know the picture was being taken. He notices the way Ryan’s smile reaches his eyes and feels a pang of sadness. He desperately wants to see that smile again.

Sarah comes back with two cups of coffee and glances at his phone as she passes him a cup. “That’s a nice picture.” She comments.

Brendon smiles as he looks at it. “He absolutely hates having his picture taken.” He nods a thanks for the coffee. He sighs softly. “Man, I really do love him.”

“Tell me more about him.” She asks, trying to get him to cheer up a little even if it was at her own expense.

“We met in high school. He was a grade ahead of me. I mean, he was just as much an ass then as he is now. But a brilliant asshole.” He chuckles to himself. “The asshole thing is just a front. I think he feels like he always has to show a tough exterior to keep himself from getting hurt. It’s how he grew up and just stayed like that. But I see straight through all that shit. He can be sweet and caring and he has a rarely seen softer side. I mostly catch glimpses of it in what he writes but once in a while he lets that mask slip. That’s when I get to see the real him.” 

She nods along, listening intently. “In my experience, people are like that when they’ve never been given the chance to experience love. But I think working for it makes it all the more sweet. But maybe that’s just me.”

“I blew my chance though. I told him I loved him and in the same breath told him I couldn’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.” He sighs and looks down. “Not a day goes by where I don’t regret it.”

“Then you need to tell him.” She encourages. “Like you just told me.”

“I already tried. He didn’t want to hear it.”

“Then you need to make him listen.” She tells him. “Go in there and lay it all out on the table, don’t let him interrupt. Then, give him the same chance.” 

He nods and smiles. “Has anyone ever told you that you give really good advice?”

* * *

The next morning Brendon drops Sarah off at the airport. He feels like it’s the least he could do. She hugs him and kisses him on the cheek as she says her goodbyes. “You have to let me know how it goes.” She tells him. He just smiles and nods, promises to. He stands there in a daze and watches as she goes through the security line and disappears out of view. He wonders briefly if he’s just made a huge mistake. With a sigh he leaves and heads to the taxi stand, hailing a cab to the hospital.

Brendon is more than a little nervous as he pastes the visitor sticker to his shirt. He only grows more so as he walks towards Ryan’s room. He takes a deep breath as he stands in front of the door. He knows this is a conversation that absolutely has to happen, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t scared shitless of it. He knocks softly before stepping inside.

Ryan is curled up on his side, clutching at his stomach and looking pretty miserable. They’d just fed him a meal through the tube and he isn’t exactly happy about it. He feels bloated and nauseous. If it weren’t for the camera pointed at him he would have purged it the second he was alone. He jumps when he feels a hand on his arms and and frowns when he realizes it’s Brendon.

Brendon sat down on the edge of the bed. “I already know what you’re gonna say, but before you do, please just let me say my piece.” He takes a deep breath. “I know I’ve probably said it a hundred times too many but I’m sorry. I know I hurt you and I can’t take that back. But I’m going to be honest, I didn’t love her. I broke it off with her. It was foolish of me to jump headfirst into something like that, especially when I was still so hung up on you. I just panicked and did the first thing that felt remotely right. I’ve never felt so deeply for someone else as I do for you before. And I’ve never had that person break themselves down for reasons I’ll probably never understand.” He wipes the tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes. “And maybe it’s okay not to understand. I just need you to know that I love you. I’ll always be by your side even if you don’t want me to be. The truth is I need you here with me. I need our dumb fights and your lame jokes. I need my friend by my side as we take over the world with your music. I need your laugh and your smile and just...I need _you_. And I need you to need me too.”

Ryan is stunned into silence as he watches and listens. He can tell Brendon is being genuine. He’s glad Brendon doesn’t hate him but he’s deeply terrified so the prospect that someone cares for him so blindly. He snakes a hand from beneath the blanket and takes hold of Brendon’s. “I do need you.” He says softly. “More than you’ll ever know.”

Brendon notices the pamphlets that lay discarded next to Ryan on the bed. He can see the text on the front of them saying _“...specialized in the treatment of eating disorders…”_ He gives Ryan’s hand a gentle squeeze. “You don’t have to face this battle alone. I promise.”

“You really broke it off with her?” Ryan asks.

Brendon nods. “It wasn’t fair to lead her on. She never had a chance at my heart in the first place.” He gives Ryan a soft smile.

Ryan just responds by scooting over and making room in the bed. He absently rubs at his stomach as Brendon takes off his jacket and tosses it on the chair before settling in beside him. 

“Does it hurt?” He asks, noticing Ryan’s movement and pained expression.

Ryan nods. “The fucking fed me twice this morning and they said they gave me anti nausea meds but they don’t do shit. It’s all the feeling of being about to puke without being actually able to.”

Tentatively, Brendon replaces Ryan’s hand with his own, rubbing small circles over his stomach. “Do you want me to tell the nurse?” He asked.

Ryan shakes his head. He lets out a deep breath and starts to relax a little from the touch. “They aren’t going to do anything but tell me the feelings of being bloated and gross are all just in my head.”

“Did they talk to you about options yet?” Brendon asks. “I saw the pamphlets so I kinda assumed.”

Ryan nods. “They said I’m a ‘good candidate’ for their inpatient program here. Whatever the fuck that means. She gave me one for some place about an hour outside Vegas when I told her I’m not staying here.”

Brendon picks up the pamphlets and flips through them until he finds the one for the facility Ryan is talking about. He scans the title _“The Newgate Center for Eating Disorder Recovery.”_ The pamphlet has pictures of sterile looking rooms and smiling people with a section on the back for glowing testimonies. “Are you going to do it?” He asks.

Ryan sounds resigned as he speaks. “I don’t want to...but I know I should.” He glances at the pamphlet in Brendon’s hand. “It means I get locked up for at least two weeks. Some bullshit about “acclimation periods” or whatever. How you’re supposed to get used to the program without outside pressures. I can have a phone call a day but I can’t have visitors. That doesn’t sound like treatment. It sounds like jail.”

Brendon sets the pamphlet in his lap and offers Ryan his hands. “You won’t be alone. You can call me. Any time, anywhere, I’ll answer.”

“I looked into one of these programs once. Talked to someone online who did one. Two weeks is the bullshit length of time they tell everyone. They keep you for however it takes for them to deem you “better.” He does air quotes. “Are you really willing to take the band off the road for that long?”

Brendon nods without hesitation. “If it means you’ll be alive for a hundred tours to come.”

Ryan bites his lip and looks down. After a long moment he finally speaks again. “I-I’ll do it.” He says softly. “I'm just scared.”

Brendon pulls Ryan into his arms. “It’s okay to be scared. I know I would be.”

“I love you.” Ryan admits, tracing his fingers in little patterns on Brendon’s chest.

Brendon feels like his heart skips a beat to finally hear Ryan say those words again. “I love you too.” He smiles. “More than you could ever know.” 

It’s Ryan who leans in to kiss Brendon. It almost feels like the first time all over again for him. He can feel that instant spark. It feels as close as he’s ever felt to home. He knows Brendon must feel it too because his hand comes up to rest on the back of Ryan’s neck, drawing him deeper.

Ryan is flushed when they finally part, his cheeks just tinged with pink. “Honestly, you should’ve picked a prettier band member to fall in love with.” Ryan smiles, Brendon can’t help but notice the way it finally reaches his eyes.

“Spencer was my first choice but he turned me down.” He rolls his eyes. “So sorry to say you’re kinda stuck with me.”

Ryan stifles a laugh. “You could have anyone in the world. You’ve already proved that. So then, why me?”

“There’s no good way to even put it into words.” Brendon starts. “No one else makes me feel like you do.”

Ryan lays his head down on Brendon’s chest. He can hear the soft thrum of his heartbeat as he wraps his arms around him. Brendon runs his fingers through Ryan’s messy hair. For the first time in a long time, Ryan feels himself truly start to relax. For the first time in his life he feels like maybe he can finally beat this. This disorder doesn’t have to be the secret he takes to the grave. He wants to fight it. He wants to get better. He wants whatever it is he has with Brendon.

For once he feels like he actually deserves it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I had pre written. More are coming but they’ll be a little slower from now on.


	5. Over the Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking that first step is always the hardest bit. No one can really prepare you for what comes next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up cause these next few chapters are gonna be pretty long.

The next day Ryan finally musters up the courage to tell the doctor that he wants to do the treatment program, but he has conditions. “I’m not sharing a room.” He says firmly. “And I’ll be damned if I’m going to one of those stupid group therapy things.”

“I assure you the Newgate Center has had other high profile cases in the past. They’ve handled them perfectly fine in the past. Patients aren’t just allowed to leak info like that.” The doctor tries to assure him.

“But you can’t guarantee that.” Ryan sighs.

“No, perhaps not 100%.” The doctor admits. “But don’t let that be the reason to turn down treatment. They have a good track record even with more advanced cases like yours.” They say as they point out a section in the pamphlet they gave him yesterday. “I don’t think you can opt out of group sessions though. They require all their patients to stick to a schedule.”

“I’m not gonna be told what to do. I don’t need overpaid babysitters.” Ryan pouts a bit, letting his shoulders sag.

“Routine is important. It’s part of the way to ease the bad habits and break the cycle.” He tells him. “We do a similar program in my ward.”

Ryan glances over at Brendon for just a moment before lowering his eyes. He knows there’s no backing out now. Brendon would be so disappointed if he did. He doesn’t see how this program will really fix anything. Old habits die hard, he supposes. “When would I have to start?” He asks.

“The soonest they have an open bed is next Monday. I’m not sure when your cardiologist wants to clear you but I can have the center adjust accordingly.” The doctor scribbles a note down.

Ryan can’t help himself from shaking the whole rest of the conversation, but at the end Brendon takes his hand and tells him he’s proud of him. He feels the tightness in his chest ease slightly. 

That feeling is quick to return though when he sees the nurse come in with the syringe for his feeding tube. He puts his hand over the end of the tube, preventing her from getting to this.

She just sighs as she sets the syringe down on the edge of the bed. “Ryan. We’ve been over this. You know you need to eat.” 

Ryan shakes his head. “I don’t want any of that nasty shit. It makes me feel disgusting.”

“Unfortunately with that ulcer, this is the only thing you can have until it starts to heal.” She tells him. “Not eating isn’t an option.”

“You don’t have to do so much.” He protests. “It hurts and makes me sick.”

Brendon takes both of Ryan’s hands in his before looking at the nurse. “Is there any way you can give him a little less?” He asks.

She shakes her head. “I have to give him what the doctor prescribed.”

Brendon can feel Ryan start to tense up. “What if you break it up into smaller doses?” He asked. “So he doesn’t feel sick from it all at once.”

She relents and nods. “I’ll give him half now and come back in half an hour to give him the rest. But he needs to work up to full feedings.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Y’all don’t have to talk about me like I’m not in the room.”

She finally takes the ends of the feeding tube and connects the syringe to the port. As promised she gives only half and follows it with a dose of the anti nausea medication. “I’ll be back in a bit.” She says before leaving.

Brendon puts a hand on Ryan’s forearm. “I really am proud of you.” 

Ryan shrugs. “Why? I didn’t actually do anything.”

“I know it can’t be that easy to face your fears like you are. Even little steps deserve encouragement.” 

Ryan sighs and scratches at one of the monitor leads taped to his chest, the adhesive makes his skin feel all dry and itchy. “I’m only doing it for you.” He admits quietly. 

“I know.” He says as he rolls over onto his side to better face Ryan. “But I want you to do it for yourself too. Even if it’s not today, I want you to see that you’re worth it.”

“You’re asking for the impossible.” Ryan comments with a shrug.

A smile quirks on Brendon’s face. “I think you forget that ‘impossible’ is my middle name.” He sets his hand on Ryan’s hip. “No, the real impossibility would be seeing you smile.” He teases.

Ryan can’t hold back for long and he smiles softly as he leans into Brendon. 

Brendon kisses the tip of his nose. “There. That’s better.”

* * *

It’s another three days before Ryan is finally discharged. He’s handed a file of paperwork a mile thick with instructions on how to use and flush the feeding tube, as well as all the pre registration paperwork for the Newgate. He’s given a bag with the nutrient powder and a bottle of pills to help manage his heart rate. He quietly passes it off to Brendon, hoping he absorbs more of the doctor’s words than he does. All he wants is to get out of this stupid hospital. 

Brendon tries to listen to it all, even jots down notes on his phone as the nurse shows him how to mix up the food powder and how to care for the feeding tube. She instructs him on how to use the pill grinder to be able to add in the anti nausea meds if needed. Brendon feels overwhelmed by the barrage of information. He can only imagine what Ryan’s feeling.

Ryan’s thankful that Spencer has brought him one of his scarves. He knows there’s cameras outside. Someone leaked his location days ago and they were all waiting for their chance to get a snap to sell. Ryan ties the scarf around his face to make sure it hides the feeding tube. He doesn’t want to be caught dead in public with it. They don’t need to know he’s now a certified crazy person.

Brendon puts all the paperwork and stuff into his backpack. He shoulders it once the doctor leaves. “You ready to bust out of this place?” He asks Ryan.

Ryan nods. “I’d fucking sprint out of here if I could.”

Brendon nudges him towards the door. “Cmon. Zack’s waiting for us in the hallway.”

As soon as Ryan gets his first breath of fresh air in almost two weeks he’s immediately bombarded. Camera flashes daze him and it takes him a few seconds to even get his vision back. He can hear people shouting but they’re all doing it at once so he can’t understand anything they say. Zack steps between them and grabs Ryan by the elbow and guides him to the waiting car. He lets out a sigh of relief once they’re finally safe. 

Brendon waits till the car pulls away as he takes Ryan’s hand and moves it into his lap. He gazes out the window with a smile on his face as he absently plays with Ryan’s fingers.

“When’s our flight out?” He asks Brendon.

“Tomorrow.” Brendon answers. “10 am I think.”

“10:15.” Zack corrects. “Means we gotta be at the airport by 9 at the latest.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Oh yay I love early mornings.”

It’s a mostly quiet ride back to the hotel. Ryan leans his head against the window and starts to doze off. He didn’t sleep very well in the hospital since he’d get woken up every hour from someone checking his vital signs. He’s exhausted both mentally and physically. He tries to not let himself think about his four days left of freedom. Come Monday he’s scheduled to check into the facility. 

He feels someone shake his shoulder when the car comes to a stop. He stirs with a groan. He pulls the scarf back up over his face just in case anyone is watching as they rush into the hotel.

In the elevator ride up he leans tiredly against the wall. “Can I stay with you?” He asks softly.

Brendon smiles and nods. “Was already planning on it.” He directs Ryan down the hall as they step off the lift. “Your bag is in my room anyway.” He slips the keycard into the lock and opens the door, allowing Ryan in first.

Ryan kicks off his shoes near the door and flops face down on the bed. “I’m so tired.” He says, muffled by the quilt. 

“You can’t fall asleep just yet.” The bed dips as Brendon sits next to him. His gentle hand rests in the small of Ryan’s back. 

“Why not?” He grumbles.

“We gotta do your feeding in like an hour.” He says. “But until then, I need you to help me smoke a bunch of weed cause it can’t go on the plane.”

Ryan finally rolls over. “Well, I mean, that’s all you had to say.” He gives a tired smile and pushes himself into a sitting position. “Can you believe the nurses told me I can’t smoke weed in a hospital? What awful, terrible people.”

Brendon laughs as he fishes the little altoids tin from his bag and sits down on the bed. He frowns when he opens the little cardboard container of rolling papers only to realize he has just one left. He rolls a joint with the last paper and as he licks the paper to seal it he comes up with a brilliant idea.

Ryan quirks an eyebrow as he watches Brendon grab the bible out of the nightstand drawer. “What are you doing?” He asks, confused.

“Ran out of rolling papers. So I’m improvising.” Brendon shrugs as he flips to the back and tears a few strips. “It’s not like Jesus ever says anything new. No one will miss a couple pages.”

Ryan can’t help but laugh. “If only your good Mormon parents could see you now.” 

Brendon snorts. “Thank god they can’t. They’d lose their minds.”

He shakes his head as he watches Brendon grind up the weed and dump it in neat little rows. “I have enough for like four total. Who’s ready to get baked?”

“So do you think we’re going to hell for this?” He asks. “Bible joints are a little risqué don’t you think?”

Brendon laughs as he fumbles around the room for his lighter. “Oh honey, there’s plenty of other things we’re going to hell for. This doesn’t even make the list.” 

Ryan nods. “True. There’s that time you snorted coke off a stripper’s abs at the Playboy Mansion. That’s gotta be up there somewhere.”

“There’s all that time I sucked your dick in the dressing room.” Brendon adds. “Oh, or the time I sucked you off when we were at my parents’ house on Christmas Eve. But I mean what do they expect when their bedroom is the only one with a lock.”

Ryan blushes at the memory. “You know I still haven’t forgiven you for gagging me with your dad’s belt.”

Brendon pulls the lighter out from the pocket of a dirty pair of pants. “Aha! Success!” He settles in the bed beside Ryan and lights the joint. “Here.” He says as he passes the joint to Ryan. “You probably need it more than me. I’ve smoked enough for a whole army lately.”

Ryan closes his eyes as he takes a drag. It hits him a little harder than usual since it’s been a while. He exhales the smoke and hands the joint back. 

They trade hits back and forth till there’s nothing left of the joint. Brendon snuffs it out in the ashtray. They’re both visibly more relaxed now. Brendon finds his gaze trailing to Ryan’s lips and quickly he can’t resist. He moves to straddle the other, pulling him in by the shoulders and kissing him deeply.

Ryan’s heart skips a beat. He hadn’t realized how much he’s missed having Brendon like this until right now. His hands naturally settle on Brendon’s waist as he kisses him in return. Their kiss is wet, messy, both of them searching for dominance. Ryan feels almost giddy from it all. He manages to roll Brendon onto his back and push his shirt up enough to kiss a line down his stomach. 

“Someone missed me.” He says with a dark-eyed look. 

“Mhm.” Ryan hums against his skin as he works to open Brendon’s belt buckle. Once he has Brendon’s pants and boxers worked halfway down, Brendon turns them so he’s back on top.

Brendon makes a needy little noise once his cock is finally freed. He notices the way Ryan is watching him and biting his lip. “You want it?” He smirks.

Ryan nods. He wants this more than he wants anything right now. He wants Brendon to take him to that place where all is good in the world. He watches intently as Brendon grabs the lube bottle from the nightstand and drizzles a bit on his fingers. He starts to press them to Ryan’s hole but he grabs Brendon’s wrist to stop him. “I don’t have patience for that tonight.” He tells him. “Just take me.”

“Are you sure?” Brendon asks as he uses the lube to slick himself up instead.

Ryan nods. Truthfully, he wants it to hurt a little. He wants the pain to ground him, make him feel real again. His eyes widen and his mouth gapes as he inhales sharply. Brendon takes his time pushing into him but the stretch is still intense. He wraps his legs around Brendon’s waist once he’s fully seated inside him. Brendon’s kissing him to get him to soften up and he swears there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. 

After a few minutes of Brendon’s sweet kisses, Ryan finally relaxes his grip on him, giving him permission to move. He thinks he sees sparks behind his eyes and Brendon pulls almost out of him only to slam right back in. He wonders if it feels this intense for Brendon too.

Brendon grips onto Ryan’s hips as he pulls them down to meet his. The blissed expression on Ryan’s face does more to turn him on than he can ever explain. He moans as Ryan’s body contracts around him. He feels incredible. Like this is the piece he was missing all along. He feels a little stupid that it took Ryan almost dying for him to truly see it. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ryan asks curiously. 

Brendon smiles and leans in close to peck a kiss to his lip. “Just thinking about how damn beautiful you are.”

Ryan shakes his head. “Don’t start with that.”

Brendon speeds up the pace of his hips as he kisses him again. He smiles when they have to part for breath. “I’m gonna make you believe it one day.”

For once, Ryan doesn’t really argue. The soft gaze in Brendon’s eyes tell him that he means what he said. Deep down, Ryan wants to believe it too. He knows this is why he has to go into recovery. He wants to be whole for Brendon. He’s jolted out of that thought when Brendon shifts the angle just so. His thighs quiver and he fists his hands in the sheets. “Oh fuck.”

Brendon zeros in on his change in expression. He stops, knowing it’ll just drive Ryan crazy. “Oh?” He smirks. “So...right there?” He pushes back into him roughly.

Ryan’s only reply is a cry of pleasure as he arches off the bed. Brendon can’t help but love the sight of Ryan falling apart beneath him. He can’t hold back anymore. The room is silent except for their breath and the slick sound of their bodies colliding. Brendon knows he’s not going to last much longer, but he’s determined to get Ryan off first. He wraps a hand around Ryan’s cock. He’s hard and leaking despite being untouched. He listens for the little hitch in Ryan’s breath as he brushes his thumb over the head of it. Music to his ears.

Ryan feels the heat pooling in his belly as Brendon overwhelms his senses. It’s like Brendon’s taking him apart just to put him right back together again, only this time in the right order. His mind blanks. His vision whites out. His mouth tries to form words only for noting to come out but a garbled moan of Brendon’s name. 

Brendon watches with wide eyes, wanting every last detail to be etched into his memory. He feels the warm splash as Ryan comes onto his stomach. He doesn’t stop, just fucks him through his peak. All the pretty noises that spill from his lips are worth it. Ryan’s looking up at him with wide, glazed over eyes and that’s all it takes for him. His rhythm falters and his hips slow to a stop as his orgasm peaks. He grips onto Ryan’s hips just so he feels like he has something to keep him grounded. He’s panting harshly when he finally comes back to his senses. He doesn’t pull out just yet. He doubles back over Ryan, they’re both breathing hard but he steals that breath away with another longing kiss. 

He feels the grip Ryan has on him with his legs finally slacken. He takes that as his cue and gently pulls out. He disappears into the bathroom for just a moment to grab a damp washcloth to clean the both of them up. 

Ryan starts to lose patience. “Don’t worry about that. Cuddle first. Cleanup later.” He grabs Brendon by the wrist and pulls him back into the bed. 

Brendon just smiles, wrapping an arm around him. He presses a kiss to Ryan’s cheek before reaching for another joint and lighting it.

* * *

The next morning Brendon feels around the mussed up sheets for his phone. He grumbles as he turns off the ringer and ignores the call from Zack. He wills his eyes to focus on his phone clock. 7 am. But that’s when he sees the missed reminder he set. He’d forgotten Ryan’s feeding last night. Fuck. He sits up and shakes Ryan’s shoulder to wake him up.

Ryan whines and bats his hand away. He turns to bury his face in the pillow. “Five more minutes.” He mumbles.

Brendon sighs. “I mean you can lay there if you want but I have to do your feeding. I forgot last night like an idiot.” He gets up to find the back with all the supplies in it. 

Ryan reaches to grab the end of the tube, concealing it in his palm. “No. Don’t want it.” He says, half awake. It was nice to not feel bloated and nasty for just one night. 

Brendon mixes up the food solution from what he remembers the nurse showing him. He sits on the edge of the bed and taps the hand he knows Ryan has the tube in. “Cmon. You know you have to.” He says gently. “It’s too early to fight.”

After a long pause, Ryan finally gives in and opens his hands. Brendon takes the port and connects it to the syringe. He rubs Ryan’s back as he plunges it slowly. He follows it up with water to make sure he flushes the line. “There.” He says softly. “Hopefully that wasn’t too bad.”

Ryan shrugs as he shifts onto his side. “It still hurts, but not as much as usual.” He remarks as he rubs one hand over his stomach, trying to encourage it to settle. 

Brendon kisses his cheek. “Now get up so we can have time to grab a coffee before we go waste our morning in the airport.”

Ryan sighs deeply before forcing himself out of bed. He gets dressed and decides to use the scarf to cover his face again. He does a scan of the room to make sure he has all his things. He’s weak and struggles to drag his heavy suitcase behind him when they go down to meet the guys in the lobby. 

Spencer wordlessly takes the suitcase from him and loads it into the back of the cab. 

Ryan climbs in to the back of the cab first, taking his usual seat in the far back corner. Brendon settles next to him as they start off for the airport. Ryan’s expecting cameras. There’s always a handful of paparazzi that like to hang out at airports ready to bother any mildly famous person that comes through. He double checks that the scarf covers the feeding tube as they pull up to the terminal doors.

Ryan stays close to the rest of the guys, following wherever Zack leads them. He’s taken off guard when a fan grabs him by the arm and begs for a picture. He shakes his head and mumbles a generic excuse about being crunched for time. The move cause the scarf to ride down just enough to reveal the tubing taped to his cheek. Suddenly, he’s surrounded. The camera flashes make his eyes sting and he’s completely disoriented. Having noticed he’s fallen behind, Brendon turns back and grabs Ryan by the arm. He pulls him away and stands between Ryan and the cameras.

Ryan is trembling when they finally make it into the airport lounge. Brendon sits across from him and takes his hand. 

“You alright?” He asks.

Ryan just shrugs. “I just wanna go home.”

“Do you think they got any pictures?” He asks as he fixes the scarf for Ryan. 

“I really hope not.” He winces at the thought. “Think we have time for something stronger than coffee?”

Zack shakes his head. “I’m not buying booze for you so nice try.”

Ryan sighs and stares down at his feet. He just wants this day to be over. He wants to be home in his bed for the first time in months. He wants a few days of normalcy before he has to lose all sense of it.

* * *

Brendon helps get Ryan’s suitcase into the trunk of the cab. “You don’t have to ask, yes I’m staying with you.”

He shrugs and opens the cab door. “I didn’t ask, but thanks.”

Brendon gets in on the other side. “As if you could get rid of me that easily.” The real reason goes unsaid, none of them trust Ryan to not throw away what little progress he’s gained if left on his own.

Ryan forgets how nice it feels to have an actual space to call your own as he walks into his apartment. It’s small, cluttered and a little messy but it’s his. It’s a bit of peace of mind he thought he’d never really have. He’s the only one of the band to have bought an apartment. The rest of the guys were considering the move to LA, but Ryan just wants a single place to have as a constant in his life. Even if he spends most of his time in a tin can touring the country, he has this place to come back to and ground himself. 

“I haven’t been here since you made me help you move your new furniture.” Brendon says as he set their bags in a pile by the door. He feels his face heat up a bit as he remembers that night. It was a bit of a clever ploy to get Brendon alone. The first time they made love was on that couch. The didn’t even get to taking the plastic off first. 

Ryan waves a hand in front of Brendon’s face. “Hey. I said: do you wanna pick a movie.”

Brendon blinks, the words finally computing. “Oh, uh sure.” 

Ryan sits down on the couch, gaze following Brendon as he walks to the shelf of DVDs. “What were you thinking about?”

Brendon blushes. “The day we moved in that damn couch.”

Ryan chuckles. “In my defence, I kinda thought you were straight. Not my fault you fell for the oldest trick in the book.”

Brendon pulls out one of the DVD cases. “Why do you have a copy of the Devil Wears Prada? Isn’t that kinda gay?”

He shrugs. “I dunno. I pick up a lot of bargain bin movies.”

Brendon chuckles. “I bet you have a thing for Meryl Streep.” 

Ryan grimaces. “Gross. She’s old. And a girl. Both of those are definitely on the turn-off list.” 

Brendon flips through the selections one more time before plucking a copy of Dreamgirls off the shelf. He’s a sucker for a good musical. He puts it into the DVD player and sits down beside Ryan. He ends up singing along to every number in a high pitched girly falsetto just to see Ryan roll his eyes. He notices though, that Ryan cracks a smile whenever he thinks Brendon isn’t looking. 

Ryan shuts the TV off and yawns. “I’m going to bed. I’m beat.”

“Lemme do your feeding real quick and then you can go lay down.” Brendon gets up to grab the supplies.

Ryan wants to argue against it but he’s just too tired. He leans against Brendon and closes his eyes. The feeling of his stomach expanding makes him instinctively want to gag. He makes himself hold it back.

“You alright?” Brendon asks as he flushes the tube.

Ryan shrugs. “Yeah. Just not used to feeling full.”

“It’ll get easier.” Brendon promises. “You can go lay down if you want. I’ll be up for a bit. I’m gonna order some dinner for myself since I’m sure there’s no food in here.”

Ryan stands and stretches. “Night then.” He yawns as he makes his way back to the bedroom. The last 24 hours have felt so real, so natural to him. Is this what life is really like? Is this what he can have if he just kicks this stupid habit?

He wants it, more than words can describe. 

He takes a deep breath and lets it out as he pulls the covers up. Three days. That’s all he has. It’s the only thought in his mind as he drifts off to sleep.

* * *

Ryan wakes up in Brendon’s arms. He’s confused as to where he is and it takes a moment for it to kick in that he’s back in Vegas. He glances over at the clock on the bedside table, it’s 6am. He rolls over and wills himself to just go back to sleep.

Brendon presses up to Ryan’s back, moving his arms around his waist. Ryan can feel Brendon’s breath on the back of his next. He sets one of his hands on top of Brendon’s.

“You alright?” Brendon asks, voice heavy with sleep.

“Yeah. Jet lagged I guess.” He murmurs. “Not used to being home.”

Brendon presses a soft kiss to the back of his neck. “Just relax. Go back to sleep. It’s too early to be up.”

* * *

Ryan spends the next two days in Brendon’s arms as much as humanly possible. He doesn’t know where this sudden ease between them came from but he wants it to stay forever. If this is what life can be… then damn, he’d do just about anything to keep it.

Brendon does his best to keep Ryan busy so he can keep his mind off the upcoming stay in the facility. They watch movies, and he even listens to Ryan’s argument of how Brendon ‘really doesn’t understand the finer points of the genius of the Beatles’. They play a dusty copy of Battleship that Brendon unearths from inside the entertainment center, while getting high of course. He notices how easy smiles seem to come to Ryan now, genuine smiles. It makes him feel like maybe he’s finally doing something right. 

It’s just the last day where things seem to go south. They’re sitting on the couch, only half paying attention to the movie, Ryan’s in Brendon’s lap and they’re making out. Their phones both start blowing up with notifications and texts. Ryan feels his stomach drop and grabs for his phone first. He knows that can’t be a good sign.

He goes through threads of Twitter messages till he finally finds a link. The first thing he sees is a picture of himself at the airport, a clear shot of the feeding tube taped to his face. He scrolls down and it’s a headshot of his mother, then the headline.

**_“PANIC! AT THE DISCO GUITAR PLAYER RYAN ROSS HOSPITALIZED FOR EATING DISORDER. HIS MOTHER COMES CLEAN…”_ **

He’s wide eyed and in disbelief as he starts to read the article. 

“What happened?” Brendon asks, seeing the tension in Ryan’s face.

“That fucking bitch.” Ryan’s voice shakes. “She fucking sold me out. She fucking sold my shit to TMZ. Now everyone’s gonna know how much of a fucking failure I am.”

Brendon takes the phone from him and sets it down. “It’s okay. Take a deep breath. No one believes what they read on TMZ. They post so many lies and everyone knows it. People will just think this is one of them.”

“What did I do to deserve this?” He asks. “What cosmic entity did I piss off? Cause I want to know what being makes someone have a fucking kid and only see them as a paycheck. It’s not fair.”

Brendon takes Ryan’s hands in an attempt to steady them. “Easy, easy. She’s nothing, Ry. She’s nothing and she knows that.”

Ryan shakes from the effort of trying not to break down. “Then why doesn’t she stop trying to destroy me?” He whimpered. “Hasn’t she taken enough of me?”

Brendon wraps his arms around Ryan and hugs him tight. “Just let it out, baby. It’s okay.”

Ryan buries his face in Brendon’s neck as the floodgates finally break. He cries harder than he has in a long time. His breath comes in gasps and it keeps getting harder to breathe with each one. Brendon holds him, rocking him and rubbing his back. He knows nothing he can say will make this better so he settles for this.

It takes Ryan a long time to finally calm down. He’s still shaking slightly. Every once in a while he draws in a sharp breath like a little aftershock hits him. “I’m sorry.” He murmurs. “I didn’t mean to.”

Brendon brushes a few of the tears off Ryan’s cheek with his thumb. “No need to apologize. It’s okay to cry.”

Ryan leans in and falls against Brendon with a sigh. “Now I just feel wrung out.”

“Do you want to go lay down?” He asks. 

Ryan gives a tired nod. “Only if you come with.”

Brendon helps Ryan up and guides him back to the bedroom with an arm around his waist. He climbs into the bed and lifts the covers up for Ryan to slide into. Ryan settles in his arms and closes his eyes. For now, things are calm.

Too bad they don’t stay that way.

Ryan is pacing endless circles. He has doctor’s orders not to exercise but he doesn’t know any other way to burn off all this extra anxiety. He feels like he needs to move or he’s just going to explode. He’s just hours from having to go to Newgate. He’s fucking terrified. He purged for the first time in two weeks. He’s shocked he made it that long. It’s the biggest stretch since he’d started. It burns his throat, whatever liquid diet shit they give him is hard to bring up. He doesn’t think Brendon hears him. He wants to keep it that way.

Brendon wakes up in the middle of the night, the bed is cold and when he paws around in the dark he finds Ryan’s side empty. He sits up, confused. He can see light coming in through the crack under the door. He gets up and pads to the living room.

Brendon steps in front of him to block his path. “Babe. What’s wrong?”

Ryan just walks around him to continue pacing. 

“Ry. Please sit down. You know you’re not supposed to do shit like this right now.” Brendon urges. 

Ryan just ignores his pleas. He keeps his gaze fixed on the floor as he weaves laps around the room. 

Brendon sighs and sits down on the couch. “Can you at least tell me what’s wrong?” He asks.

Ryan swallows hard. “I don’t wanna go to Newgate.” He admits. “I’m scared. I can’t go.”

“It’s okay to be scared. It’s understandable.” Brendon offers. “But you aren’t gonna solve that fear by giving yourself another heart attack.”

“Actually that would just solve all my problems.” Ryan rolls his eyes. 

Brendon frowns. “Don’t talk like that. Please sit down. Let me help you work this out.”

Ryan feels like he can’t stop even if he tries. He needs to keep moving or the crawling feeling under his skin gets too intense. “There’s nothing to work out. I’m not going.” Ryan replies simply.

Brendon shakes his head. “You don’t really want to drop out. I know you’re scared of what’s going to happen but this program is going to help you. Don’t you want to live a life where every waking moment isn’t ruled by an eating disorder?”

Ryan sighs. He wants that, of course he does. He just hates the fear of the unknown and the loss of control. He doesn’t know how to really deal with such things. So instead of dealing, he just paces and paces and paces. Brendon almost gets dizzy watching him.

By the time the sun rises, they’re both exhausted. Brendon is at a loss for what to do. He’s tried everything and he still can’t get Ryan to calm down. He goes back to the bedroom, keeping an ear out just in case, and starts packing a suitcase for Ryan. He folds the clothes neatly and puts them in. He puts in one of his own t shirts, just to give Ryan something to remind him of home. He zips the bag and puts it by the front door.

Ryan is still cutting a track in the living room carpet. Brendon sighs and does the only other thing he can think of. He texts Spencer.

_‘Hey. You awake?’_

_‘Yeah, why?’_

Brendon sits down on the couch and pleads with Ryan one last time to please sit down. He gets no response. _‘I’m gonna need your help. I gotta take Ryan to Newgate today and he’s freaking the fuck out.’_

_‘I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 15. Try and do what you can until then.’_

Ryan feels more than a little betrayed when Spencer lets himself in. He can’t believe Brendon called him. He knew what this meant. They are either gonna talk him into it or drag him there. He doesn’t know which is worse.

Spencer looks at the state of his two friends and is immediately worried. They both look run down. He approaches Ryan slowly. “Hey.” He says softly. “I know you’re scared but I just need you to listen, okay?”

Ryan’s circles are starting to slow, he’s running out of steam. He nods at Spencer’s question.

Spencer takes a deep breath. “You know this is the right thing to do, right?” He asks and takes hold of Ryan’s arm. “Please sit down. You look like you’re going to pass out.” He carefully moves him to the couch.

Ryan sinks into the cushions and sighs.

“I know it’s a lot to take in. I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be easy. I’m not asking you to march in there and come out the other side a changed man. The only thing we want you to do is just try. It’s one little step at a time.”

For the first time in hours, Ryan stills. He’s unsteady on his feet and has to grasp the arm of the couch to stay upright. “What if I come out of this and none of you like who I am?”

“Don’t focus on the future.” Spencer moves a little closer and puts a tentative hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “I need you to focus on right now instead.”

Ryan just presses himself into Spencer’s arms, asking for a hug from him for the first time since they were kids. Spencer wraps his arms around his friend and holds him tight. 

“Okay.” Ryan says, giving in. “I just wanna get this over with.” 

Between the two of them, they manage to get Ryan dressed and maneuvered into the back seat of Spencer’s car. Brendon sits in the back with Ryan while Spencer drives. The entire hour drive Ryan has Brendon’s hand gripped so tight his knuckles turn white. Brendon strokes his hair and murmurs encouragement in his ear but they all go in one side and out the other.

As he sees the facility looming at the end of a gated private road, panic truly sets in. He clings on to Brendon as they walk inside. 

The receptionist comes out from behind her desk to meet them. “And you must be Mr. Ross.” She extends her hand in greeting.

Ryan doesn’t respond. He’s partially afraid that if he lets go of Brendon he’s going to slip away and disappear. He knows it’s irrational but he doesn’t care. She hands him a clipboard and asks him to fill out the form. He moves to sit with Brendon in some of those stupid hard plastic chairs you only ever find in waiting rooms. He can’t focus enough to make out the words on the page. Brendon notices his blank stare and takes the clipboard, filling it out for him.

This is the part Ryan dreads most. His nurse comes out to meet him and tells him it's time to say his goodbyes. Ryan can’t hold back anymore. He hugs Brendon tightly and cries into his chest. The past few days were so perfect and peaceful. He doesn’t want that to end. The nurse has to practically peel him off of Brendon. Brendon notices she doesn’t seem phased by it at all, it’s clearly not her first rodeo.

Brendon tells himself he needs to stay strong for Ryan, but he’s so close to tears himself. “You can do this Ry.” He presses a desperate kiss to his lips. “You can call me every day. I’ll be there.”

Ryan wipes his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. “Promise?”

Brendon finally lets go of his hand. “I promise. It’s gonna be alright. You should go with her.” He gestures to the nurse. 

Reluctantly, Ryan turns to follow. Another nurse takes Ryan’s suitcase from Spencer to be searched. The nurse uses her key card to get them through the locked door of the ward. 

“I’m Nurse Roe, but you can call me Melanie if you’d like.” She guides Ryan down a winding hallway to the men’s unit. She stops in front of one of the doors and opens it. “This one will be your room.”

Ryan steps inside. Unlike the hospital, this place has actual furnishings, even if they’re sparse. He’s got a bed, a desk and chair, and his own bathroom. He notices it’s missing a door though. When he looks up he sees a set of cameras in the corner. 

“Those are for observation.” She tells him. “In case of emergencies.” 

“You mean purging, right?” Ryan asks, his voice a bit raw from crying. 

“That too.” She adds. “So you’ll get your bag back later this evening. There’s a folder on the desk there with all your schedules printed in it. As well as information about your program and your doctor. You can read through it when you’re ready. I know it’s a lot to take in all at once.” She gives him a polite smile. “Do you have any questions for me?”

“Are you gonna force me to eat?” Ryan asks as he sits down on the edge of the bed. 

“When I take you down for lunch someone from the nutritional staff will sit down and talk with you to make a meal plan. The rules at meals are that you have to eat everything on your plate. If you don’t, then your opinions are to drink a meal replacement shake or to be tube fed. But let’s hope it doesn’t get to that point, hmm?”

Ryan sighs and kicks off his shoes before moving to lay down. 

“You can rest for a bit.” She tells him. “I’ll com get you when it’s time for lunch.”

Ryan is already half asleep by the time his head hits the pillow. His morning had taken everything out of him.

* * *

Brendon only makes it as far as the parking lot before he too breaks down. “What did I just do?” He whimpers.

Spencer steps close and wraps his friend up in a hug. “He’s gonna be okay. I promise. He’s just scared.”

“I feel like I just put him in prison or something.” He furiously wipes at his eyes.

“You know as well as I do that if we didn’t do this, we’d just lose him forever.” Spencer slowly lets Brendon go. “I know it hurts. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry that hard.”

Brendon sighs and leans against Spencer’s car. “What if this doesn’t even work? What if we put him through all this for nothing?”

“If one place doesn’t work out then we can find him somewhere that does. We can’t give up on him.” Spencer tells him as he opens the car door for Brendon. 

Brendon nods and drops himself into the passenger seat. He closes the door and curls up against it.

“So what set him off this morning? You both look like you got zero sleep.” Spencer asks.

“It turned out his mom only came to the hospital to get dirt on him to sell to TMZ. Someone got a picture of him with the feeding tube at the airport the other day. He about lost his mind when he read the article. I can’t believe she stooped so low.”

Spencer grips the steering wheel. “I can. What a fucking bitch. At least no one believes anything TMZ puts out anyway.”

Brendon rubs at his temple, starting to get a pounding headache behind his eyes. “Yeah that’s what I told him. But it was hard for him to believe when people were blowing up our phones with it.” He stares out the window as Spencer drives. “At least he gets a break from her in there. She can’t know where he is and he can’t read about her stupid article cause they took his phone.”

Spencer decides to detour to a coffee shop. He figures they both need a chance to decompress. He gets out and follows Brendon in. He pays for both their drinks and they sit down.

“Is it stupid that these last few days were some of the best I’ve ever had with him?” Brendon questions.

Spencer shakes his head after a sip of his latte. “I don’t think that’s stupid at all.”

Brendon sighs and swirls some sugar into his coffee with a stir stick. “Like it’s been peaceful. It felt like a glimpse of what things could be like one day.”

“It probably did him good to feel that.” Spencer nods. “Especially when we have no clue how long he’ll be in there for.”

Brendon looks up, meeting Spencer’s eyes. “I just...I really love him. He’s all I want. I just can't get over the feeling that it was my mistake that caused all this mess.”

“You need to stop blaming yourself. He said it himself that his disorder goes back long before he knew you. If anything, I’m the guilty one. I’ve known him my whole life and still didn’t see what was happening till it was too late.” He plays with the paper sleeve on his coffee cup. “I need to ask you something though.”

“Shoot.” Brendon shrugs.

“Are you 100% committed this time? Cause if not you need to back out now. Ryan’s too fragile to not have people that believe in him right now.”

Brendon nods. “I’m not about to let him down. Not ever again.”

* * *

Ryan jumps when Melanie wakes him up. He swats her hand away. “Don’t.”

“Oh sorry, didn’t mean to spook you.” She says gently. “It’s time for lunch, so I’m gonna need you to follow me.” 

Ryan reluctantly follows. He picks a table in the corner, it’s the furthest away from everyone and no one else is sitting there. He looks around the room and gathers that the facility is small. There’s maybe forty people total in this room. He jumps again when someone slides a chair out and sits across from Ryan.

“Hi.” The young man smiles. “I’m Kurt. I’m sure your nurse told you you’d be meeting with one of us today.”

Ryan nods. 

The worker is well aware of the drill with new patients. They always come in so scared. His favourite part of working here was seeing them go from terrified to flourishing. It makes his whole job worth it. “So I went over your file and it says you’re on tube feedings for now. But while I have you here I’m going to go over how a meal plan works so that once you’re on solids you’ll be good to go.”

He takes a piece of paper from his folder and turns it towards Ryan. “Okay so we don’t count calories here, for obvious reasons. Instead we operate on an exchange system.” He points to the paper. “So each of these foods listed is worth a certain amount of exchange ‘points’ if you will, and you have to have a certain amount of points for each part of your meal. It sounds complicated but once you get used to it, it’ll become easier.”

Ryan just blinks as he looks down at the long list of food. He feels his stomach twist. Were they really gonna make him eat all of this? “What if I don’t get enough exchanges?” He asks.

“Well, then you have to make up the calorie difference either through a meal shake or through tube feeding. We don’t like to have to resort to such measures unless we have to though.” He sets one more piece of paper down on top of the one Ryan already has. “The last thing we have to go over is the rules. They’re pretty straightforward. You have to attend meals, even if you’re being tube fed. You have to eat everything on your tray, including your drink. Hiding food isn’t allowed. Your nurse will talk to you if you do rituals like try to cut your food extra small or just push it around. Last rule is that you’re responsible for clearing your own tray and wiping down your spot at the table. I know that was a lot but do you have any questions?”

Ryan shakes his head. 

“Alright, well if you ever need help, my office is the marked door right beside the kitchen there.” He points over to it. “It was nice meeting you, Ryan. I’m sure you’ll do well here.”

Once Kurt is gone, Ryan lays his head down on the table. He’s so tired and he just doesn’t want to be here. Melanie touches his shoulder. “Sorry hun. I know you’re probably tired but you gotta stay sitting up. It’s just for ten more minutes.”

Ryan rests his head on his hands. “And then what?”

“You have an appointment with Dr. Michael. After that you can go back to your room and rest if you’d like.” She tells him. 

Ryan swallows hard as he’s led up to the therapist’s office. He watches Melanie knock on the door. He hears a soft “come in.” Melanie opens the door and gestures for Ryan to head it. “I’ll come get you when you’re finished.”

Ryan sits down on the stiff leather couch. The doctor sets down the file he was writing in and introduces himself. “I’m Dr. Michael.” He shakes Ryan’s hand. “You must be Mr. Ross.”

Ryan leans forward, resting on his knees to keep his leg from bouncing. The doctor looks like he’s in his 50s. He wears his thick rimmed glasses almost on the tip of his nose, he notices. Ryan hopes he’s a better doctor than interior designer as he looks around at the mismatched decor. “Just call me Ryan.”

“Alright Ryan, I know you just got here, but how’s your day so far?”

Ryan shrugs. “I took a nap. I sat in the cafeteria and stared at the wall. Now I’m here.”

“I know it’s a tough adjustment for you. Today is just a little ‘getting to know you’ kind of session so there’s no need to be nervous. So tell me, what do you hope to gain by being here?” He asks.

Ryan just shrugs. “I wanna be less reliant on starving and purging and stuff. I’m tired of everyone being on my back about it constantly since they found out.”

The doctor scribbles some notes down. “So, you don’t believe your bulimia is an issue?” He raises an eyebrow.

Ryan looks down, plucking at a loose thread on his jeans. “It’s all I’ve really known the last four years. It’s gotten me this far. It’s maybe not the best thing to cope but it worked.”

He flips to another page in Ryan’s file and sees his history of cardiac arrest. “Until it doesn’t. Do you know some of the affects this disorder has on a person?”

“I’d think so. I’ve kind of lived them for years.” Ryan shrugs his shoulders.

“Common ones are things like low blood pressure, irregular heartbeat, esophageal ulcers, damage to your teeth and salivary glands, shrinking of the stomach over time. Not to mention the psychological side effects: mood swings, compulsive behaviour, anxiety, depression. There’s a reason why these disorders and among the deadliest.”

Ryan frowns as he realizes he’s already experienced a big chunk of that list. “My heart stopped. Three times.” He says softly. “Brendon was so damn mad at me.”

The doctor tilts his head. “Who’s Brendon?”

Ryan bites his lip. “He’s...he’s my boyfriend I guess. Also the lead singer in my band.”

“How do you think he feels about everything that’s happened in the last few weeks?” 

Ryan bites his lip. “Brendon worries too much. He’s always been like that. Sometimes I wish he’d do it a little less but I guess it’s just nice to be cared about.”

“It’s good to have people in your life who care. A strong support system will be instrumental in your recovery. What about other family and friends, who else can you rely on?”

Ryan moves his gaze to the floor. There’s an odd shaped stair near the doctor’s foot and he can’t help but think it looks like one of those silly ink blot tests. He sighs and makes himself focus back on the session. “Friend wise I have the rest of my band, they're my family now. My actual family doesn’t give a shit about me.”

Michael nods. “It’s not unusual to rely on friends over family. In the end it’s about who supports you best.”

Ryan feels his patience starting to wane. “This is so stupid. I don’t like talking to strangers. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to get out of this anyway?”

“That’s something that you’ll have to figure out during your time here. You only get as much as you put into it.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “If I had my way no one would’ve ever even found out about this.”

”And statistically, you’d likely end up dead. Your boyfriend and you friends would be left in your wake wondering what they could’ve said or done that would’ve made a difference.”

Ryan shakes his head, still in denial. “Brendon would be fine. He’s beautiful. He could have his pick of anyone. He’d move on.” His thoughts flash to how fast he’d done just that with Sarah. “You know what? No. Brendon is off limits.”

The doctor makes note of his little outburst. “I know it’s not an easy thing to ask but you have to trust the program. It’ll make recovery a possibility for you.” He glances up at the clock. “But with that, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. I’ll see you back here in tomorrow.”

Ryan feels like he can’t get out of there soon enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who’ve commented and left kudos! You really made my day and motivated me to get this chapter done earlier than expected.


	6. The Newgate Saga: Prelude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan was told two weeks. Two weeks means he gets to go home, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next go together and timeline wise happen concurrently. I just split them into two because otherwise it would just get long and confusing and flip back and forth a lot. I warned y’all this would be a long one. It clocks in at almost 13k. If I hadn’t cut it into it would’ve been more ridiculous. Anyway, hope you enjoy.
> 
> Tw: mentions and descriptions of child abuse and sexual abuse and stalking behaviour

They let Ryan opt out of the group therapy session that night to give him time to “settle in.” As if one would really want to get too comfortable in this place, he thinks to himself. He finally gets his suitcase back and he tries to keep himself busy by putting his clothes into the small dresser. He smiles when he sees Brendon’s shirt in the bottom of the bag. He instantly recognizes it as one of Brendon’s favourites. He quickly changes into it. It still smells like Brendon’s cologne. He can’t help himself as he lifts the collar of the shirt to his nose and inhales deeply. It calms him some as he finishes unpacking the bag.

He sits down on the bed with a sigh and glances up at the clock. He wonders how it's somehow 6pm already. The nurse comes in to do his feeding and he feels his anxiety set back in again. “No.” He murmurs and shifts away from her.

Melanie sits beside him on the edge of the bed. “Ryan. You know you have to eat. This is going to be part of your routine from now on.”

Ryan shakes his head. “I don’t wanna eat.”

“Why not?” She questions.

“Same reason as everyone else in this godforsaken place.” He shrugs and averts his gaze. “I don’t wanna be fat.”

“Everyone’s reason for ending up here is different.” She tells him. “But getting better always starts the same way. You need to eat, Ryan. You know that.”

After a long moment of contemplation he hands her the end to his feeding tube. He tries to look away. He doesn’t want to see how much they’re pumping into him. 

“I’m proud of you.” She praises as she wipes off the end of the port and flushes it with water. She’s as gentle as she can be as she plunges the syringe with the food. 

“You have to say that to everyone.” Ryan closes his eyes and shrugs.

“I’m proud of all my patients. I wouldn’t have stayed in this job the last ten years if I didn’t care.” She disconnects the syringe and flushes the tube one last time. She pats his knee when he’s done. 

“Why’d you get into this job then?” He asks curiously. “You can’t really enjoy being in this lunacy, can you?”

She sets the empty supplies on the tray she’s brought with her. “When I was in school I had to do a job shadow here. I thought it was so easy. All you have to do is make people eat and they get better, how hard could it be? It only took my first patient to open my eyes and show me how wrong I was. By the end of my rotation, I’d lost her. Her heart stopped in her sleep. She was a good person who just wanted to get better and didn’t deserve to go out like that. I decided then that this is where I was needed.”

Ryan swallows hard as he listens to her story. He tries not to think about how close he came to being a similar case. “I’m sure there’s plenty of easier jobs out there.”

“Perhaps.” She shrugs her shoulders. “But not nearly as rewarding.”

“Can I ask you a weird question?” Ryan wrings his hands in his lap. 

She nods.

“I overheard someone back at the hospital say that they can just look at a patient and tell if they’re gonna make it out successfully or not. Is that true?”

She cocks her head to one side. “What do you mean?”

“They were talking about treatment programs.” Ryan tries to better explain. “That they can tell at a glance if they’re going to fail.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” She assures him. “I’ve seen many patients come and go. But the one thing that patients who recover share is a desire to get betting and a willingness to just try.”

“Do you think I’ll make it?” Ryan asks softly.

“I know nine years is a long time to be stuck in this cycle. I know it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from where you’re sitting now. But the easiest way to get through this is to not focus on the end result too much. Big goals are often too overwhelming. It just leads to frustration, anxiety and setbacks. You just need to take things one day at time.” She tells him, mustering a smile.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Ryan looks up at her with scared eyes.

“I think you can make it. If recovery is what you want then you’ll get there.” She reaches for a little paper cup with pills in it from the tray. “Here. Take these.” She instructs.

Ryan looks down at the pills and only recognizes a few of them. “What are the rest?” He asks.

“The doctor prescribed them after your session earlier and based on advice from your previous psychiatrist. One’s to help level your mood and one is to help with the anxiety.” She hands him a paper cup of water. “Once you take them I’ll walk with you down to the cafeteria.”

Ryan swallows the bitter pills and chases them with the entire cup of water. “Why do I have to go if I’ve already been fed?”

“It’s one of the rules, remember.” She reminds him. “And it might do you some good to meet some of the other patients. There’s only a few here in the men’s ward. People usually find it helpful when they have someone here to talk to who isn’t staff.”

Ryan rolls his eyes as he thinks about how that’s the last thing on earth he wants right now. He’s had enough of his stories sold this week to last a lifetime. He slips his shoes back on and follows her back to the cafeteria. He sits down at the same table as this morning, still thankfully alone. He leans his head in his hands, half zoning out. He’s jolted out of his thoughts when someone sits in front of him. 

“Hi.” The boy smiles. “I’m Henry. What’s your name.” He eyes Ryan from head to to. He can spot a bulimic from a mile away, he swears it’s his hidden talent. He extends a hand for a handshake but drops it when Ryan doesn’t reciprocate.

Ryan rolls his eyes. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone in this place, let alone someone who keeps looking at him like he’s a piece of fresh meat. “Ryan.” He answers and hopes that’ll be enough to make him go away.

“Oh shit.” Henry laughs. “I honestly thought you were a girl. There’s never many guys in here and it’s hard to tell looking at you from a distance.” He laughs and looks around the room to make sure none of the nurses are listening. “So, are you famous or something?” He asks. “They brought you in here so hush hush. They only do that for famous people.” He speaks quickly, clearly jittery. As soon as he notices his nurse engaged in a conversation with another staff member he starts scooping the contents of his tray into his hoodie pocket.

Ryan feels like he’s watching someone who’s actually batshit insane. The boy is thinner than he is, which is quite a feat. His eyes are wild and sunken into his head like he hasn’t slept well in weeks. The ease in the way he hides the food away suggests it’s far from the first time. He doesn’t answer Henry, hoping if he ignores him he’ll be able to sit through the rest of the mealtime in peace.

“I just wanted to personally welcome you to this hell. We don’t get many guys in here, like I said. It’s just been me and Jake in the guys ward but he left the other day so now I guess it’s just you and me. So who dumped you here?”

Ryan just stares blankly at him, like he can’t quite believe what’s happening. He’s met tons of nervous fans who sometimes ramble at him but they usually don’t go on for this long, and especially not after he gives them that look.

Henry points to his face in the same spot Ryan’s feeding tube is taped to. “Guessing you’re a bulimic too if they’ve got you on that. They suck. They just took mine out after two months.” He rambles. “So how long are you here for? They probably told you two weeks, right?” He laughs. “That’s what they tell everyone.”

“Has anyone ever told you to shut up before?” Ryan groans, losing the small amount of patience he had to begin with.

Henry just shrugs. “I’ve heard it a few times. So… how are you famous?”

Ryan just wants to bang his head on the table. This dude just doesn’t take a hint, he thinks to himself. “None of your business.” He mumbles.

Henry’s gaze at Ryan only intensifies. He snaps his fingers when he finally makes the connection. “You’re in that band, aren’t you? Something about a disco?”

Ryan shakes his head. “Wrong,” he lies.

Henry just smirks. “No. You’re lying. I never forget a face.”

Henry’s nurse finally realizes he’s missing from his assigned spot and comes over to get him. “Henry, you know you’re not supposed to bother the new patients.” He admonishes. “Now come on. We have to go for your appointment.” He tugs Henry up by the wrist, half dragging him out of the room.

Ryan shudders when Henry looks back over his shoulder and blows him a kiss. He makes a mental note to avoid that guy at all possible costs.

After dinner the nurse takes him over to the common room and shows him how he can use the phone to dial out. She tells him to keep it somewhat brief and just go back to his room when he’s finished. He dials Brendon’s number from muscle memory and waits for him to pick up.

* * *

Ryan jolts and hangs up the phone when he hears a sudden voice behind him. 

“Other people need to use the phone too, you know.” Henry said, leaning against the doorframe. He doesn’t tell Ryan that he’s overheard pretty much his whole conversation. Knowing the other man has a boyfriend? Now that’s some interesting information. Something he can use to his advantage later.

Ryan spins around in his chair. “It’s fucking rude to snoop on other people’s private conversations, you piece of shit.”

Henry just shrugs and takes the phone receiver out of Ryan’s hand. “There’s no such thing as privacy in here. Get used to it.”

Ryan rolls his eyes as he gets up from the chair and pushes past him. He stomps down the hallway and back to his room, slamming the door shut. He doesn’t know how much of his conversation was overheard, but if he thinks about it much longer he’s going to have to punch Henry in his stupid, ugly face. 

Ryan starts to pace the room, his usual habit for when his anxiety gets the better of him. He feels like the weight of everything is crashing down on him. He’s stuck here with no way out. People are going to be constantly up his ass and begging for his secrets. They’re going to pick him apart in the name of “rehabilitation.” They’re gonna feed him no matter if he wants it or not. They’re going to turn him into a bloated disgusting mess and he gets absolutely no say at all. He’s powerless here, they’ve taken it all and he’s stupid enough to just have signed it away. 

Brendon calls the nurses station in a panic after Ryan had hung up so suddenly. He explains the last thing Ryan had said, about wanting to die and how the line went dead. He begs them to go and check on him to make sure he’s alright.

Melanie listens to Brendon on the phone as she scoots her chair over to check the cameras. She can see Ryan pacing his room, clearly distressed. She frowns and tells Brendon she’ll get back to him. 

She knocks on the door and calls out Ryan’s name before entering. “Hey.” She says gently. “Is everything alright?”

Ryan shakes his head, still lapping around the room. “Tell that fucker to mind his own damn business and stay out of my phone calls. Or next time I won’t be so nice.”

“Who?” She asks, stepping into the room and closing the door behind her.

Ryan shrugs. “Harry? Henry? I don’t fucking remember his name. Fucking creep.”

“Tell me what happened.” She prompts.

Ryan rubs at his face as he groans in frustration. “Little shit listened in on my phone call. I don’t know how long he was standing there. That’s not okay.”

She nods and makes a note to take it up with Henry’s nurse. “You’re right. It’s not okay. I’ll be sure have a talk with him. I’m so sorry about that.” She steps in front of him to block his path. She knows he’s not allowed to exercise. It’s bad for the still fragile state of his heart and it’s a way a lot of patients try to lose weight in here. “Why don’t we sit down and we can talk about this?” She offers.

Ryan just simply walks around her and keeps going. “It doesn’t matter.”

“What doesn’t matter?” She asks, almost getting dizzy from his frantic circles around the room.

“I don’t.” He throws his hands up and sighs.

“You do matter Ryan. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now. If you don’t want to talk to me about it you can bring it up in your session with Dr. Michael tomorrow.” She tells him, watching the way his steps start to falter as he clearly gets tired. 

“Don’t wanna talk. Just wanna be left alone.” He mumbles, fighting a sudden wave of dizziness. He’s breathing too hard and it’s making him light headed. He tries to will himself to gain back control.

“I can’t leave you alone when you’re like this. That wouldn’t make me a very good nurse.” She takes ahold of his arm to try and make him stop. “You need to sit down. You know you aren’t supposed to work yourself up like this. It’s not good for you.”

Ryan pulls his hand away and starts his pacing again. He feels like it’s the only thing keeping him grounded. “Leave me alone.”

“I can’t leave you until you stop and you’re calmed down.” She tells him. “That’s policy.”

“Leave. Me. Alone.” He repeats, a little angrier this time.

“Listen, I understand what you must be feeling, all the thoughts running through your mind. I really do, but we all need a little help sometimes. It’s not healthy to think you can’t rely on others and you have to deal with everything yourself.” She says gently. 

“You shrink types always talk the same.” Ryan can’t help but roll his eyes. “It’s always ‘not healthy’ this or ‘I understand’ that. Knock that off. You don’t understand. If you did you wouldn’t say that shit.” 

“I do understand. I’ve seen patient after patient be exactly where you are right now.” She tells him. “You can trust me. I’m only here to help you.”

“You’re paid to say that.” Ryan’s legs are feeling so wobbly beneath him. It’s starting to become a struggle to just put one foot in front of the other. The stress from his sleepless night and his first day in the facility are just weighing him down.

Melanie bites her lip as she tries to come up with something to say to him that will hopefully sink in. “You get paid to do music, right? Does it mean you love your job any less?” She poses the question.

Ryan shakes his head. 

“I know you’re upset, but the thing is, issues aren’t going to resolve if you ignore them. It’s not healthy to bottle everything up inside. It’s bound to backfire and you’ll end up exploding. I don’t want to see you hurt yourself or do something else you might regret.”

Ryan lets his gaze fall to the floor. “What if I already exploded? I almost died cause I couldn’t stop starving myself and now I just get left here to fend for myself. I already have enough regret to last a lifetime, trust me.” He trips over his own feet and almost falls to the floor, he grabs the desk to stay upright.

She is up in an instant to steady him. She carefully guides him over to the bed and makes him sit down.

“Hey, let’s try not to focus too much on that right now.” She talks softly, trying to figure out how to calm him. “I know it’s hard to be locked up in here but you’re here because you need help. You know that. Now, I want to help you. I can see you’re really worked up. What can I do to help?”

Ryan looks out his second floor window. He’d tried earlier but it was sealed shut. “Not unless you’ve got a hammer and you’re willing to look away.”

She sighs. “Do you think some medication would help? I can give you something fast acting to take care of the anxiety.”

After a moment he looks away from the window and nods. He’ll give anything to kill this awful twisting feeling in his gut. 

She leaves for a moment and returns with a cup of water and the pill. She hands both off to Ryan and watches him take them. She throws the cups away when he’s done. “You should really try to participate in group therapy tomorrow.”

Ryan shakes his head. “No fucking way. I have enough people trying to profit off my secrets. I’m not telling them to a room full of strangers who will sell me out without a second thought.”

She frowns slightly. “I assure you no one here is trying to do that. Everyone signs an agreement when they come in that what they say here stays here. We wouldn’t be in business very long if we broke patient confidentiality like that, dear.”

“I’ll think about it.” He shrugs and moves to lay down.

“Try to relax and get some sleep.” She steps back and turns off his light. “I’m gonna call Brendon back and let him know you’re alright.”

“Brendon called?” He asks, his eyelids already starting to feel heavy. He’s not sure if it’s just exhaustion or the meds. 

“Yeah. He said you hung up the phone suddenly. He was worried something happened.”

He yawns a bit and pulls the blankets up. 

“Get some sleep.” She whispers as she backs out the door and shuts it behind her. 

* * *

Ryan groans the next morning when the nurse opens the curtain and lets sunlight into the room. He covers his eyes with his arm to block it out. If there’s anything in the world he hates, it’s when people wake him up. He’s kicked, hit, and thrown pillows at his fare share of people who’ve done it in the past. He’s not a morning person in the slightest. 

Melanie starts to take his vital signs, making notes as she goes. “Can you lay on your back for me?” She asks. “I need to change your feeding tube for a fresh one.”

Ryan does as she asks, too groggy from the meds to really fight back. He flinches a little as she pulls the tube out. It tickles the inside of his throat and nose and he ends up sneezing and coughing once it’s out. She hands him a box of tissues from the night stand and he sits up to blow his nose. “Do you want me to lay back down again?” He asks.

“No, you can stay sitting up for this.” She changes her gloves and grabs a small pen light from her tray. “I just need to check the inside of your nose to make sure there’s no damage. I’m probably gonna swap sides anyway.” She gently nudges his forehead to get him to tilt his head back. “Only a little irritated. Not too bad.”

Ryan sighs. They had to do this to him every few days at the hospital. He hated it every time. He flinches as she works the new tube in. She tapes it off and puts all the spent supplies into a little trash bag. 

“All done. Now which do you want first, food or meds?”

Ryan knows ‘neither’ isn’t an option even though he wishes it was. He takes the little paper cup of pills and downs them with the water he’s offered. 

* * *

Henry eyes Ryan from across the cafeteria at breakfast. He’d called a friend last night and did some digging on Ryan. He was right that he was in a band, a pretty famous one too. His friend had read him the TMZ article outing him for his eating disorder. That’s how Henry knew it was the right person. He can’t help it. He likes knowing about people. Ryan’s just the newest in a long chain of obsessions for him. Once he gets his tray he walks over to where Ryan is by himself and sits down with a grin on his face.

Ryan rolls his eyes. He’s not in the mood. He keeps his eyes down as he rubs at his sore stomach. They upped his intake today and he can definitely feel the difference. “What do you want?” He murmurs

“To apologize for yesterday. Seems we got off on the wrong foot.” Henry says with a shrug.

“Listen. I’m not here to make friends. So whatever you’re trying? It’s not working.”

“I’m not trying to do anything.” Henry smirks. “I mean unless you want to.” He says with a wink. “I mean what your boyfriend doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Ryan freezes and swallows hard. “What? I don’t ha-“

He cut him off with a chuckle. “So you weren’t telling someone named Brendon you missed them last night?”

Ryan feels anger boil in him. He clenches his fists under the table. He wants to punch him, he really does. He should get a medal for self restraint. 

“Henry!” His nurse calls from across the room.

Henry gets up and leans in closer to Ryan, practically breathing on him as he whispers in his ear. “All I’m saying is, life’s more fun in here with someone to fuck.”

Ryan makes a disgusted face and scoots his chair back away from him. As Henry turns and walks away Ryan tries to shake the encounter but he just feels like his skin is crawling. Something is seriously wrong with that dude, he thinks.

Melanie comes over to his table. “You ready to head to your appointment?”

Ryan nods and gets up. Anything to get out of the room that much faster. 

Ryan is just as uneasy the second time he has to sit on this stupid, hard couch. He hates feeling vulnerable. He hates the idea that someone is picking apart his most intimate thoughts. It feels so violating. He mumbles replies to all the bullshit starter questions, not even looking up at the doctor. 

“So what happened yesterday with Henry?” The doctor asks.

“Nothing really.” Ryan shrugs. “He creeped me out at meals and snooped on my phone call last night. I told him to fuck off and I left.”

The doctor nods. “I’m sorry about his behaviour. I’ll have a chat with his charge nurse and make sure he keeps his distance. I know he can be a little...intense.”

“Intense isn’t the word I’d use.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Okay, well let’s shift subjects, shall we? We’re going to have to dig a little deeper today. We’re going to talk about the history of your relationship to food. Let’s start simple. When did it start for you?”

Ryan sighs audibly and leans back against the couch. He starts to pick at the tape holding his feeding tube on. “The restricting or the purging?”

“Both.” The doctor nods.

Ryan thinks for a moment. “I was six when I started restricting. Like fourteen when I purged for the first time.”

The doctor makes note of that. “That’s an awfully young age to start at. You didn’t deserve to have to go through that.”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. I deserved it. There’s no way I didn’t.”

“What makes you think you deserved to deal with that?” He asks.

“I dunno. I just do.”

“Why were you so young when you started to restrict? Disordered eating in children is uncommon.” The doctor looks up from his notes. 

Ryan wrestles with what to tell him. Logically, he knows the doctor wants to help. But physically, he has trouble turning off that part of his brain that tells him that being vulnerable is bad. He hears the voices of everyone echoing in his head that he needs to do this to get better. He takes a deep breath and finally answers. “I-It started because of my mom. She kind of singled me out. She’d always comment on my weight or my body and she’d get my older brothers to join in it too. She constantly said she was gonna put me on a diet. She’d get mad if I took more than what she deemed acceptable at dinner. So I guess I did it to cope. It was easier to go hungry than it was to deal with her wrath.”

Ryan can see him write the word “abuse” in his notes and underline it.

“That must’ve been hard to deal with.” He adds in a soft tone. “Is your relationship with her still difficult?”

Ryan flinches at that. “More like non-existent. I was nine when I caught her cheating with another man. I told my dad. I was nine. I didn’t know what else to do. They fought and she left. She took my brothers. It didn’t matter. We were never close. I’ll never forgive her for leaving me with that monster.”

The doctor nods to show he’s still listening, silent encouragement for Ryan to continue.

Ryan lets out a sigh and closes his eyes. “My dad lost it after she left. He blamed me for it. So he did what his dad did before him and drowned his sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He wasn’t too bad before but...he was a mean drunk.”

“Did he hurt you?”

Ryan nods and shudders at the thought. “The beatings, the bruises. Those I could deal with. I could hide them well enough I guess.” Ryan swallows hard. “Then one night he…” he suppresses a gag and has to steady himself for a moment before he can speak again. “He raped me…” Ryan hates saying that word. It makes it feel all too real.

The doctor scrawls the words _‘physical’_ and _‘sexual’_ under the word _‘abuse’_ in his notes. “I’m deeply sorry you had to experience that. It’s very common for people who’ve gone through trauma to develop eating disorders. It’s a means of gaining back control they feel they’ve lost.”

Ryan shrugs. “It makes sense, I guess. It definitely became about control for me. Especially when it came to purging. It’s kind of a fucked up high, being able to do something to my body that no one else can do.”

The doctor nods. “It’s a coping mechanism. Part of our goal with therapy is that We try to take that unhealthy coping mechanism and replace it with better tools you can use instead.” He glances up at the clock. “That’s all the time we have for today, but I want you to do a little homework for me.”

Ryan groans. What? Is he back in grade school?

“I know, but I want you to just try it. I want you to write a list of why you think you deserved what happened to you as a child. We’ll go over them when I see you again in two days, alright?” He closes the file. 

Ryan stands up, not saying goodbye on his way out. He notices Melanie waiting for him in the hall. “Now what?” He asks quietly.

“You have a little break before lunch. You can spend it in the common room if you’d like, or you can go back to your room.”

Ryan just starts walking back towards his room, not really in the mood to deal with other people after that. “When can I make a phone call?” He asks

“After dinner.” She tells him as she follows him back to his room. “I’ll be by to feed you lunch in an hour. You can relax until then, alright?”

Ryan nods and slips inside. He sits down at the desk where he'd thrown down his notebook when he unpacked. He decides that he’ll get this stupid “homework” over and done with just to get it out of the way. He scratches the title on the top of the page with his pen.

_  
Reasons I deserved what happened_

_I always tried to fight back. Maybe if I didn’t, then they wouldn’t feel the need._

_I don’t deserve anything good_

_I’m fat and disgusting_

_I told on my mom for cheating_

_I had the chance to tell on my dad, but I didn’t. I went back_

_I was born to two people who should have never been together in the first place. I’m bad luck_

_I didn’t always starve because I had to, but I wanted to. I did it to myself._

_I was the one who looked up purging and calorie counting after hearing about it on tv. I didn’t have to do it but I did it anyway._

Ryan tosses the pen down and closes the notebook. He can probably fill the page if he wants. But he doesn’t need the doctor to know he hates himself _that_ much. Best to save that for small doses, he thinks.

* * *

Ryan immediately feels like group therapy isn’t for him. If he just suspected before, he definitely knows it now. There’s a right circle of hard plastic chairs in the middle of the room and everyone seems to be procrastinating on sitting down until the therapist urges everyone to. 

“Alright everyone. I see we have a new face joining us. So you guys know what that means. We’re gonna go around the circle and everyone say your name and anything else you want to say about yourself.” The therapist leans forward onto his knees. “I’ll go first. I’m Gerard. I run all the group activities here at Newgate.” He points to the next person in the circle.

Ryan freezes when they finally get to him. He sees Henry staring intently at him from across the circle. He feels uncomfortable and doesn’t want to say anything to these people. “U-um I’m Ryan.” He stammers. “And that’s all you need to know.”

He sees Henry cover his mouth with his hand to hide a giggle. 

“Alright.” Gerard claps his hands together when the introductions are over. “So just a quick rundown, Ryan. Usually we start off with a main topic. You don’t have to talk unless you want to, of course, but it’s better if you do. And just a reminder to everyone that what’s discussed in this room stays in this room. Only exception is if you threaten to harm yourself or others, then I gotta report it.” He takes a deep breath. “Now, today’s topic is Self Acceptance. What’s something, whether big or small, that you’ve come to accept about yourself?”

Ryan just kind of zones out. Gerard said he doesn’t have to talk so he isn’t going to. He keeps his hands folded in his lap and stares down at the floor. 

“How about you, Ryan? Do you feel like sharing today?” Gerard prompts.

“No.” Ryan shakes his head. “I don’t trust strangers with my secrets. I already have enough people trying to buy them.”

“Wait, people pay money for secrets?” One of the patients asks with a laugh. “Where? Cause I could get a fat paycheck with my stockpile!”

“They do when you’re rich and famous.” Henry adds with a shrug and a grin.

Gerard hushes them. “Alright let's get back on topic. That’s fair enough I guess, Ryan. Just know I’ll expect you to participate at some point in your journey here.”

“Sure.” Ryan resists an eye roll and immediately goes back to not paying attention. He swears it feels like an eternity of watching the seconds on the clock tick by until Gerard dismisses the group.

* * *

Ryan sits through dinner uneasy and impatient. All he wants it to talk to Brendon. He needs to hear his voice and hear him assure that it’s all going to be okay. He knows he should be more concerned that he already misses Brendon so much it hurts, but he brushes it under the rug like usual.

He lets out a sigh of relief when Melanie tells him he’s free to go make his call. He’s paranoid now, and when he sits down in front of the phone he looks around in all directions to make sure he’s not being listened in on again. He sighs in relief and picks up the phone receiver. That relief quickly sours when his call goes to voicemail. He hangs up and tries again. Same result.

Now he’s just bummed out, he wonders what Brendon’s even up to. He promised he’d always answer his calls. He tries one last time for good measure. When he doesn’t get a reply he hangs up and heads back to his room.

It’s only a few minutes before Melanie comes in and tells him that Brendon’s waiting on the line in the common room. He practically runs there. As soon as the line picks up he feels his heart skip a beat. He really does miss Brendon.

* * *

Ryan wakes up on his third day at Newgate much the same as the others so far. Melanie wakes him up and cheeks him over. She does most of this while he’s waking up, she’s noticed he’s a little more compliant that way. She warms the stethoscope in her hands before using it to check Ryan’s heart rate and then his gut sounds for good measure. She hangs the stethoscope around her neck when she’s done. “You know the drill. Food of meds first?” She asks.

“Meds.” He mumbles as he tiredly sits up. “So what’s on the agenda today?”

She hands him the little paper cup of pills and another of water and watches as he swallows them. “You have art therapy after breakfast. After lunch Gerard is doing a guided meditation but it’s optional to attend.”

Ryan rubs at his eyes. “Art therapy? Guided meditation? Sounds weird.”

She shrugs as she prepares the food mixture. “They say recovery should encompass all aspects of the mind including creativity and spirituality. He offers music therapy too. Maybe you’d like that more?” 

Ryan closes his eyes when she starts to flush the tube. He hates watching it. “I dunno. I don’t want these people knowing who I am. Playing music might make it too obvious.”

She rubs his shoulder as she plunges the syringe with the food. “No one in here cares what you are outside of this place, Ryan. Everyone’s equal here.”

“Whatever.” He murmurs tiredly as he rubs at his stomach.

“Do you need the nausea medicine?” She asks. “I know it’s a little tough as we increase your feeds.”

Ryan nods a little.

“I’ll go get it and be right back.” She takes all her meds with her. She returns a few minutes later with another paper cup with a single pill in it. “Alright. It’s time to head down to breakfast.”

Breakfast is mostly uneventful. He sees Henry from across the room, he tries to get up but his nurse puts a hand on his shoulder to make him sit back down. Ryan finds him breathing a sigh of relief. At least he finally gets a short reprieve from that weirdo. He looks around the room at some of the others. There’s a group of girls, all looking about the same age. They’re all huddled around the same table. He notices that they keep glancing and pointing his direction and then whispering about something. That uneasy feeling in his gut returns. 

The girls giggle and they finally push one of their ranks into going over to talk to Ryan. She has a faint blush on her face as she sits at his table and looks back at her snickering friends. “Hi Ryan.” She smiles.

Ryan furrows his brows. “Uh, hi.”

“So…” she starts, sounding nervous. “Are you really famous? Like Henry said yesterday. I mean we all know Henry’s crazy but you did talk about people selling your secrets and all.”

“It’s none of your business.” Ryan has to resist rolling his eyes. 

“I don’t care, they,” she points back at her table of friends. “They said they recognize you from somewhere.”

Ryan sighs. Why does everyone in this place seem to want something out of him? “I’m in a band.” He shrugs with a sigh. 

She nods. “And you don’t have to worry about me ‘selling your secrets’ or whatever. I’m getting transferred next week. Besides, who you are will end up as gossip for a few days then everyone will forget about it. People are more weirded out that you sit here by yourself and don’t talk than anything else.”

“I’m not here to make friends.” He tells her. “I’m here to get better and leave.”

She shrugs. “I mean I said the same thing, but eventually the loneliness gets to you. And there’s only so much conversation you can bore the nurses with.” She stands up and pushes her chair in. “But I’m sure all your time here will probably make for some good music.” She looks back at her friends and winks. “Make sure you add me into a song.” She jokes as she heads back to her table. 

Ryan sighs and just rests his head in his hands. He wishes it was that easy for him to just trust people. She’s right. Three days in and he’s already lonely. He doesn’t want any of them though. He just wants Brendon.

* * *

Ryan feels like he might just burst open at the seams as they feed him lunch. His stomach feels stretched uncomfortably, like everything from breakfast hadn’t gone through him yet and this was just adding on top. He massages his stomach while Melanie tells him that they’re not even giving him as much as he should be having but with long term eating disorders the stomach atrophies... blah blah blah. Ryan kind of tunes out the rests and just nods along.

She escorts him back to the cafeteria and lets him take his, now usual, spot. Henry gets his tray and sits down across from Ryan. He’s not too thrilled.

“Can you just leave me alone?” Ryan asks, speaking loudly enough that he hopes people overhear. This technique usually works with even the most overzealous of his band’s fans. Give them a little public embarrassment and they tend to bow out.

Henry just seems unfazed. He’ll stop at nothing to indulge his hyper fixations and he has a lovely new one in the form of Ryan Ross. “They feeding you more?” He asks, noting how Ryan can’t seem to keep his hand off his stomach.

Ryan rolls his eyes as he watches Henry start to stuff food into his pockets. “It’s none of your business. I told you to leave me alone.”

Henry just chuckles. “Aww I’m not so bad. We all need friends to make it in here. I’ve been here two months now.”

Ryan rolls his eyes and decides to try a different strategy. He’s going to just kind of nod and agree until Henry hopefully just decides he’s boring and leaves. “That’s nice.” He replies flatly.

“How long do you think you’re gonna be in for?” He eyes Ryan from head to toe. “You’re pretty skinny. So I’d say awhile. What’s your weight?”

Ryan groans and hangs his head. This guy never seems to just get the hint. “Can’t you find someone else that actually _wants_ to be bothered?” He asks.

“There’s no other guys in here. The girls think I’m too creepy.” Henry shrugs and only takes a bite since he notices his nurse looking at him.

“Gee, I wonder why?” Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Plus no one here is as interesting as you.” Henry says with a smirk.

“I’m not that interesting.”

“I think you are.” Henry tells him. “Plus no one else here is famous.”

“I’m not _that_ famous.” Ryan plucks at a loose thread on the ripped knee of his jeans. 

“Famous enough that TMZ reports on you.” Henry shrugs. “Panic guitarist Ryan Ross has an eating disorder...” he repeats the title of the article.

Ryan feels even more uneasy. No one has access to computers or cell phones in here so how does he know about that article? He feels weirded out and a more than a little violated. He just gets up and moves to another empty table, hoping to end the conversation. 

* * *

Art therapy is just as lame as he thinks. There’s a stack of half ripped up magazines, construction paper, glue, and stickers, among other craft supplies. Gerard sits at a desk in the front of the room as he explains the point of the project. They’re supposed to make a collage building off of yesterday’s group topic of self-acceptance. They can use whatever supplies they want to express themselves. Ryan can’t bring himself to care. He tunes out Gerard and just twists a pipe cleaner into a spiral around his finger over and over.

Gerard notices Ryan isn’t doing anything. He pushes a piece of construction paper and urges him to participate. “We’re not expecting Picasso here. Just try to add something to yours. What’s something you have accepted about yourself? Or maybe something you want to accept about yourself?”

Ryan rolls his eyes. He’ll do just about anything if it means that Gerard will just stop talking. He grabs one of the magazines off the top of the pile and flips through it. He cuts a few of the images out and pastes them to the paper just to keep Gerard off his back.

His paper looks like a disaster. Just like he is, he hums as he thinks to himself. 

Maybe that’s what he needs to accept about himself? That he’s a disaster, and probably always will be. He needs to take that first step to move on. Everyone tells him he has so much life left to live, after all he’s only nineteen and he has no clue what his future may hold. 

He sighs and has to resign himself to the fact that maybe Gerard isn’t as full of shit as he appears on the surface. 

* * *

As he’s walking back from the group activities room he feels the urge start to creep up on him. He knows this feeling all too well. It’s a tingly feeling that starts at the base of his spine and works its way upward. It makes static take over his mind, everything becomes fuzzy until he gives in. He knows he shouldn’t give in, that he should ask for help. That someone will help him get past the urge. He doesn’t though. He ducks into the shared bathroom and locks himself in one of the stalls. 

One of the nurses walking by hears the familiar sound of gagging and stops. He hurries in the direction of the noise. He knocks gently on the stall door. “Hey, stop. Please don’t do it.”

Ryan spits into the toilet. He’s not quite sure if the voice is imagined or not. He starts to do another go, pushing his finger into the back of his throat and gagging hard. He knows he has to work harder to bring up this stupid liquid food.

“Hey!” The voice is louder this time. “It’s not worth it. It’s not. Please stop. Just open the door and I can help.”

For the first time since he started purging over six years ago, Ryan does. He leans back against the wall and lets the stall door swing open a gap. The urge is still pulling at him, dragging him down and begging him to empty himself. He wants to give in so bad.

The nurse opens it the rest of the way. He checks the toilet and is glad to see that he caught his patient in time. He kneels down beside Ryan. “I know we haven’t met yet, but I’m Dallon. I’m the night nurse for the men’s ward.” He says gently as he offers Ryan some toilet paper to wipe his mouth with. “Are you alright?” 

Ryan wipes his face and throws the tissue into the toilet. He shakes his head. “It’s too much.” He murmurs.

“What’s too much?” Dallon asks. “I can try to help.”

“The urge.” Ryan says as he looks down. “It never goes away unless I give in.”

Dallon nods, he’s seen similar things from the hundreds of patients before Ryan. He can’t imagine what it’s like to have to endure it, so he tries his best to empathize. “You did the right thing by stopping.” Dallon assures. “It means you’re getting the upper hand on the urges. That’s the first step to you controlling them instead of the other way around.”

Ryan curls in on himself, clutching at his stomach. “Is it really progress if I was gonna give in anyway? You just caught me is all.”

“Any step in the right direction is progress, no matter how small.” He puts a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “I’ll help you up and then we can go back to your room.”

Ryan takes his aid to get to his feet. He follows him quietly back to his room and sits down on the bed.

Dallon grabs the desk chair and sits across from him. “Did something trigger you or set this off?”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. It just kinda hit me like a ton of bricks. Guess my mind’s not used to me not purging multiple times a day.”

Dallon nods. “It’s normal to struggle. You’re still new at this. Try not to beat yourself up too much over it.” 

Ryan sighs and decides to try and change the subject. “Where’s Melanie?” He asks.

“I normally don’t take over till nine but she asked me if I could come early. She had to leave for some emergency.” Dallon shrugs. “I’m here most nights but my shift starts at lights out. You wouldn’t really see me unless you hit your call button.”

Ryan moves to lay down in his bed. He still can’t shake the feeling. His body is begging him to purge at this point. He wants to give in if it means he doesn’t have to feel this way anymore. 

“I’d there anything I can do to help?” He asks.

Ryan shrugs. “Not unless you’re willing to shoot me.”

Dallon chuckles. “Fresh out of bullets, I’m afraid. But I can give you something to help you relax if you want.”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. I’m tired of being medicated into oblivion.”

“We can just keep talking then.” Dallon offers. “It seems to have helped a little.”

“I don’t want that either.” Ryan sighs deeply. “I just want my brain to stop hating me.”

“You need to be gentle with yourself.” Dallon suggests. “For a lot of people that come here, this is their only time they’ve ever had to just focus on themselves. It can be intense and scary at first. It will get better the more you work at it. I promise.”

“What if I come out of this and I’m not really any better?” Ryan asks.

“Try not to think like that. Everyone here just wants to see you succeed. No matter how long it takes we will help you.” 

Ryan sighs and pulls the covers over himself. “That’s what they all say. And then they all gave up.”

* * *

Ryan rubs his eyes as Melanie gives him his breakfast on his fourth day. “Can you do me a favour?” He asks.

Melanie nods. “What’s up?” She finishes his feed and flushes the tube for him. 

“That Henry dude. He creeps me out. I want him to back off.” 

“How so?” She asks.

“He keeps coming up to me and talking to me. He says the fucking weirdest shit and it’s freaking me out. Can you just keep him away from me? I don’t want to deal with him.”

“I’ll have a talk with his nurse and we’ll work something out. Don’t worry about it. If he does it again just flag one of us down and we’ll help.”

Ryan sighs and pulls a hoodie on before heading down to the cafeteria to watch everyone eat breakfast. He notices that Henry doesn’t approach this time but gives him an angry looking glare from across the room. Ryan can’t help but shudder.

* * *

“Do you have that list I asked you to make?” Dr. Michael set his file down on the coffee table.

Ryan pulls a wrinkled sheet of folded notebook paper from his pocket and passes it to him. He shrinks in on himself as he waits for him to read it. 

The doctor lets out a deep breath. “I see. How about we just go over these one by one and you can maybe explain a little bit more about why you wrote each of them.”

“Okay.” Ryan shrugs, not really looking forward to it. He’s starting to think that therapy is just a bunch of horse shit. How is digging up the past and poking old wounds supposed to fix what’s happening right now?

“Alright. You said you fought back. To fight back is a normal, human reaction. Why do you feel you deserved to be abused because you reacted rationally?”

Ryan shrugs. He’s never really thought about it that way. “If I would’ve just sat down and shut up, my life would’ve been a hundred times easier. But no. I always had to open my mouth. My dad had a temper but I could be a hundred times worse if I was pushed far enough.”

“You were so young. It’s unfair to put such high expectations on a child when they aren’t even physically capable of them yet. You bore no blame in this situation. You didn’t hold the power. Your parents did. You didn’t control your father’s actions. He did.”

Ryan bites his lip. He feels now much like he did back then: sad, small, alone, scared. The only difference is he’s never had this many people fighting for him to say afloat before. “What am I supposed to do?” He asks. “Forgive them? That’s never happening.”

“I’m not asking you to forgive them. We both know that would be a near impossible task. No, what I’m asking is that you try to forgive yourself instead.”

Ryan’s stomach sinks. How can he possibly forgive himself when this disorder is all his fault? His mom leaving was his fault. The fact that his dad got away with years of abuse is his fault. His messy relationship with Brendon is his fault. “I don’t think I can do that.”

“Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m not saying you have to do so right here, right now. I just want it to be something you think about, okay?” He looks back at Ryan’s list. “Why don’t you feel like you deserve good things?”

Ryan shrugs. “I don’t. The only good things in my life just kind of happened. I didn’t do anything to deserve them. I didn’t work for them.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. What about your band? Your boyfriend?” The doctor asks as he jots down a few notes. 

“The band started as kind of an accident. Spencer got a drum kit for Christmas. I saved all the money from my paper route and got a guitar. We only played cause it was fun and we loved it. Getting signed was more of a fluke than anything intentional.” Ryan explains. He still remembers that guitar. It was the cheapest starter kit they had at Guitar Center. It sounded like shit but Ryan was more proud of it than anything else in his life at that time. “And I met Brendon through a friend of a friend. We were looking for a singer and apparently he could. I didn’t plan to fall in love with him. It just happened.”

“No one plans every intimate detail of their lives, Ryan. But that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to have happiness. Sometimes bad things happen and sometimes good ones do too. It doesn’t mean that you deserve the scales to tip more one way than the other.” The doctor is feeling like he’s starting to break through a little more to Ryan. He decides to press on. “I notice the next one is more in regards to your disorder. Why do you feel like you’re ‘fat and disgusting’?” 

Ryan takes a deep breath. He supposes he doesn’t really feel it as he just _knows_ it. “It’s the truth.”

“You wouldn’t be here if that was the truth, Ryan.”

“Okay, then I’m skinny and disgusting.” Ryan shrugs. “The size doesn’t change what I am.”

“Over time, disorders like these warp your perception of yourself. You might see yourself as one way, but no one in your life sees you in that light. I’m sure your boyfriend doesn’t think that way.”

“He doesn’t.” Ryan admits. “He tells me all the time that he thinks I’m beautiful but I don’t believe him. I can’t believe him. It’s like there’s some big invisible force holding me back and I think it hurts him just as much.”

“He sounds like he really cares about you.” The doctor notes.

Ryan brings his knees up to his chest. Brendon’s been on his mind so much lately. He wonders if Brendon is feeling the same way. “Another thing I don’t deserve.” He ads with a shrug.

The doctor decides to leave that statement for a later session as they are already halfway done and still have the rest of the list to get to. “Okay, then why do you think it’s your fault that you caught your mom cheating? She was an adult. You didn’t make her sleep with someone else. You responded the way everyone teaches their children to do when they witness something worrying, tell an adult. Why do you think you feel the need to punish yourself for the actions of others?”

Ryan looks down. “If I knew, I wouldn’t need therapy.” He sighs. “I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and let my parents continue their shitty loveless marriage.”

“There’s no guarantee the outcome wouldn’t have been the same. That she wouldn’t have just left on her own volition at a later date.” He tells him. “It’s unfair to torture yourself with what could have been.” He looks back at the clock. “For the sake of time I’m going to keep this moving. We can come back to some of these in future sessions. What do you mean you had the chance to tell on your dad?”

“I had multiple.” Ryan shrugs. “After he-“ Ryan still can’t bring himself to day the word. “Did _that_ to me I ran. I ran all the way to my friend Spencer’s house in torn clothes and covered in blood. I didn’t have shoes on and my feet were all cut up too. I probably looked crazy when I begged to crawl in through his window in the middle of the night. His mom cleaned me up. I think she suspected what happened. She begged me to let her call the police. I said no, it was no big deal. She begged me to do the same when he kicked me out, I was too scared of the consequences.”

“The consequences he would have faced would’ve never been your fault. It’s understandable that you were scared, but you didn’t deserve for it to happen.” He looks back down at the list. “What about starving yourself? Here you said you wanted to do it, but the other day you said it was your mother who initially pushed you towards that path?”

Ryan just shrugs. “It’s both. She started it but I finished it. I eventually just liked feeling empty. It was the only way I felt right.”

“It’s good to know the root of these problems. It means we can start building solutions to working past them.” He looks up at Ryan. “You really are making good progress even if it doesn’t feel like you are. We’re out of time for today but we can delve a little deeper into this next time I see you.” He reaches out to shake Ryan’s hand. 

* * *

“Morning, Ryan.” Melanie says, chipper as ever as she sets her tray down on his desk. “I’ve got some news today.”

“What is it?” Ryan murmurs just before he yawns.

“The doctor gave approval to start weaning you off the feeding tube. It means you’ll have to start filling out your exchange cards at meal times. It’ll only be partial meals at first. We’re hoping to get you off this thing in a week or so. NG tubes aren’t great long term.”

Ryan frowns. He’s been dreading this point. It feels like it’s been an eternity since the last time solid food passed his lips. He’s not sure if he can even do it. “Oh.” He replies softly. “Do I have to? I mean I’ve only been here for like five days. Isn’t it too soon?”

She shakes her head. “You were on the tube for a whole two and a half weeks before you came here. It’s an important step. You have to be able to eat on your own reliably before you can leave here.” She hands him his usual morning meds and a cup of water. “At least it means you can have coffee again.” She tries to offer as a positive.

At least there’s that, Ryan thinks to himself.

When he sits down he sees the cafeteria worker handing out cards to everyone. He hasn’t really noticed before cause they haven’t applied to him until now. He looks down at the card and is instantly nervous. Nothing on this list sounds edible to him. He see the number printed on the top next to the name. _“Ryan Ross: 4 exchanges”_ and he’s supposed to pick one from each of the sections. It all feels like too much.

“Oh those.” Henry comments as he sits down. “Just check off whatever and hide it when they aren’t looking. That’s what I do.”

Ryan sighs, not really wanting anything else to add to his stress. “How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone?” He keeps his gaze on the card as he fills it out. He gets up to hand it in and ends up moving to a different table.

Of course, Henry follows. “Why are you being so weird today?” He shrugs his nurses hand off when he grabs him by the shoulder.

“C’mon Henry. We’ve been over this. Now go back to your spot and leave the guy alone.” He says firmly.

Ryan’s relief when Henry leaves is short lived. His tray is put in front of him. A piece of toast, some scrambled eggs, a piece of fruit and two strips of bacon. There’s a little styrofoam cup of coffee and he goes for that first, assuming it to be safest. He takes a sip and frown when he realizes they already mixed in sugar and cream. He usually drinks it black, there’s almost no calories in black coffee. He looks more closely at his food and feels his stomach turn. There’s butter already on the toast and he feels uncomfortable. He doesn’t know how much they used and therefore he wants to avoid it, his mind telling him it’s too many calories to spare.

Melanie sees him struggling and sits down at his table with him. “Hey. It’s alright. I’m sure you’re overwhelmed but just try starting with a bite.”

Ryan pokes at the food with his fork. “There’s too many calories in this. I can’t.” He shakes his head.

“You can do it.” She encourages. “Please just try.”

Ryan closes his eyes as he takes a bit of the scrambled eggs. They taste heavy on his tongue, like they’re definitely made with butter and cream. It takes all his effort to chew and swallow them. He starts his usual routine of taking a bite of food and a sip of his drink.

“Sorry Ryan. You have to stop that.” She tells him gently. “We’re not supposed to let you guys have food rituals. More than one bite before you sip your coffee please.”

Ryan sighs. This breakfast feels like it goes on forever by the time he’s cleared his plate. His stomach isn’t enjoying this much and it protests with a painful cramp. 

Melanie pats his shoulder. “You did good. I’m proud of you.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Yeah sure, thanks mom.” He says sarcastically.

* * *

He makes it about halfway through the group session when his stomach twists painfully. He has one hand clutching at it and the other over his mouth as he runs out of the room towards the bathroom. He throws up his breakfast, unintentionally. He should’ve guessed this would happen. After all this is why he ended up in the hospital in the first place, solid food wouldn’t stay down.

Melanie hands him some damp paper towels so he can clean up. “I guess the nausea meds didn’t help much?”

Ryan rolls his eyes as he cleans himself up. “Understatement of the century.”

Lunch ends up going the same way. Dinner too. He can’t keep the solid food down. They transfer him to the hospital via ambulance so he can undergo testing. They make him swallow bitter nasty contrast dye and stand in front of an X-ray machine while he does it. He grimaces as he hands the tech the empty bottle. “That’s just delightful.” He rolls his eyes.

The X-ray tech throws it away. “I know. I just need you to stand still for a few minutes while I get these images, alright?” They help line Ryan up with the machine and leave the room. 

They come back every few minutes to put Ryan into a different position, sitting, laying down. After about half an hour the tech finally tells Ryan he’s done and he’s taken back to his hospital bed to await more tests. He has to also go for an ultrasound. He can’t resist asking the doctor, “so is it a boy or a girl?”

* * *

The next morning, Ryan freaks out when Melanie tells him they have to weigh him. He tries to keep the panic off his face as she takes him to a mostly empty exam room. 

“Okay so I’m gonna have you turn around and you’re gonna step onto the scale backwards for me.” She tells him.

Ryan raises an eyebrow. “But what if I want to see?”

She shakes her head. “It’s policy. We don’t want you to focus on that number but we have to know so we can keep track of what your progress is.” She says as she puts a hand on his shoulder. “Now please turn around.”

Ryan does as he’s told but he manages to catch a glimpse of the number as he’s stepping off. 100 pounds. That means he’s gained six. Knowing that makes him feel uneasy. At least after the disaster of yesterday they’re not making him eat solid food again. Good thing, because he doesn’t think he can handle it right now.

After breakfast he’s shuffled to Dr. Michael’s office yet again. He swears that when he leaves this place he’s gifting this dude a better couch. No one likes stupid, hard leather couches. 

“How are you feeling today?” The doctor asks

Ryan shrugs. He’s been anxious all morning. The weight he’s put on is the only thing he can think about. He feels like he’s ballooning out under his skin and he’s just going to break open. He lets out a sigh. “Okay I guess.”

“You guess? Why the hesitation?” 

“It’s nothing.” He dismisses. “I just think too much.”

“If it’s something you’re feeling then it’s important to talk about.” The doctor urges. “You said it yourself that bottling up your feelings is part of the reason you ended up here.”

Ryan looks down and swallows hard. “I’m gaining weight and I hate it.”

Dr. Michael has heard the same sentiment a hundred times over. “Then I think that’s what we need to work on today. Usually what I tell my patients in this situation is to come up with a mantra. You know, something small they tell themselves when they’re having these thoughts.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “I hate myself isn’t enough of one?”

“Let’s try to think positive. Why don’t we kill two birds with one stone and combine it with what we talked about last time?”

“I think this all sounds kind of bat shit crazy.” Ryan comments. “I don’t see how a mantra is gonna make me suddenly okay with looking like a beached whale.”

“You know the phrase “fake it till you make it?” Well this is kind of like that. If you say something to yourself often enough, it becomes the truth. How many times did you say you hated yourself before you believed it? It’s the same with positive affirmations. Why don’t you try ‘I deserve good things.’ Nice. Simple. Can apply to anything.”

“But I-“ Ryan starts but the doctor cuts him off. 

“Try saying it right now.”

“But…” 

The doctor shakes his head at Ryan. “Just say it.”

Ryan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He speaks barely above a whisper. “I deserve good things.”

“Good. Now, again. Louder.” The doctor encourages

Ryan repeats it and feels a blush warming his cheeks. “I deserve good things.” He wants to believe the words, he really does. He remembers Brendon telling him the same thing in the hospital and his heart aches. He wants to do this for Brendon, to be okay for him. He can almost hear Brendon telling him he needs to do this for himself too.

There’s tears in his eyes as he says it again, stronger now. “I deserve good things.”

* * *

Today is the halfway point.

Ryan’s confused when Dr. Michael comes in for morning rounds with Melanie. He holds up a folder. “I got the results back from the hospital.”

Ryan sits up and rubs the sleep from his eyes. “And?” He asks.

“The reason you’ve had so much trouble keeping food down is because of a build up of scar tissue in your stomach and esophagus. Part if it is probably from that ruptured ulcer you had. The fix is a relatively simple surgery.” Dr. Michael tells him as he reads over the final report in the file.

“That’s it?” Ryan questions. 

“Well not exactly. The thing is that you’re too underweight to go under anesthesia. It’s too high risk. We need to get you up to at least 110 pounds, ideally 115 before you go for it.”

Ryan does the math in his head. He has to gain ten plus pounds on top of the six he’s already put on. It seems impossible. “No way. I-I can’t do it.”

“I know it feels like a lot but I promise we will help you get there. One step at a time, just like we’ve been talking about.” 

Ryan looks down at the carpet. “What if the surgery doesn’t help and I still can keep food down?”

“The doctor who looked over your case at the hospital and I both agree that this is the best course of action for you. While they do the surgery they’re going to implant a different feeding tube. This one goes directly into your stomach. It’s better for the long term as you won’t be able to eat solids until the internal stitches dissolve.”

Ryan just sighs. “Well at least I won’t have this stupid itchy tape on my face then.”

The doctor gives a small smile. “I guess that’s one way to look at it.”

* * *

It’s day number eight and Ryan takes a step he never thought he would’ve. He picks a bowl of fruit on his own at breakfast and sits down with it and a cup of coffee.

He takes a deep breath as he unwraps a plastic fork. “I deserve nice things.” He whispers to himself. He says it again as he takes a bite from a piece of watermelon. Maybe Dr. Michael is on to something, he thinks, because before he realizes it he finishes the whole fruit cup. He’s more than a little proud of himself. It’s the first time he can remember eating something without calculating the exact amount of calories or without meticulously planning exactly how many bites he needs to take to avoid prying eyes. It feels almost freeing. He wonders if this is what it’s like to be normal. 

* * *

Ryan feels like the loneliness is settling over him like a heavy blanket. He’s not used his friends being more than an arms length away. They’ve been living practically on top of each other since they started touring. Even if he was pushing them all away towards the end, he still just knew they were there. Here he has no one. It’s just him and his racing thoughts and he’s getting tired of it. During his free time he finally decides to go to the common room. Even if he doesn’t want to talk to anyone he can at least just feel like he’s around other people.

He sits down at one of the tables with a magazine and absently flips through it. He’s pulled out of it when someone turns on the radio. He hears the guitar riff and recognizes it immediately. Fall Out Boy was recording their album just after Pete had signed them. They’d dragged Brendon in to do guest vocals. He smiles at the memory. Brendon was so nervous. Out of the band, Brendon’s the one who probably idolized Fall Out Boy the most. He was so scared he was gonna fuck it up and then Pete would immediately change his mind on the band or something. Ryan takes a deep breath and lets it out as he listens.

  
_“I'm sitting out dances on the wall_ __  
_Trying to forget everything that isn't you._  
 _I'm not going home alone_  
 _'Cause I don't do too well on my own”_   
  
__

Ryan can relate. He’s almost glad when someone changes the station. The nostalgia trip was starting to become a little too much to handle. 

One of the female patients sits across from him and sets down a bin of coloured pencils and a bunch of papers. “Wanna color?” She asks simply.

“Uh, sure.” He takes the colouring sheet she offers him. It’s quiet between them but Ryan feels like it’s nice like this. It’s like having company with none of the commitment.

* * *

Ryan’s getting antsy as his two weeks are coming to a close. Twelve days in this shit hole. His doctor is supposed to give him the verdict on if he has to stay later today and the thought has been eating at him all day. He gets his coffee in the cafeteria at breakfast, hoping that will work to calm his nerves. When he passes Henry’s table he notices the other scratching something into the surface of the table with a ballpoint pen. Ryan hurries away when he realizes it’s his name. He flags it down to one of the nurses.

Henry is not one to go down easy. He makes a big scene when they take his pen away. The standoff ends with him being yanked off the table and sedated. As he’s being dragged past Ryan and out of the room, he glares at him. “I’ll get you back for this!” He growls.

“Henry, be quiet.” His nurse tells him as he guides him out of the room. 

Ryan’s not sure if he should be completely terrified of the guy or kinda pity him. He settles for fear. He makes a vow to avoid Henry as much as humanly possible for the rest of his time here. No looking, no talking, no anything. He just hopes it works.

* * *

The next day he’s walking down the hall to his room on the way back from his therapy session. He feels someone grab his wrist from behind and drag him into the shared bathrooms. Ryan tries to pull his hand out of their grip but whoever has him is strong. He immediately panics and tries to scream but a hand is clapped over his mouth. 

Henry turns Ryan around and pins him up against the wall. “Something you should know about me... I don’t take no for an answer.”

Ryan’s eyes widen and he instantly feels sick. He tries to break loose but suddenly he’s got a balled up sock shoved in his mouth and his wrists are being pinned behind his back, something binding them together.

“You probably won’t enjoy this.” Henry chuckles as he presses his hand against Ryan’s crotch. “But I will.”

Ryan is breathing hard. He feels faint. It’s like he’s nine years old again. His dad said much the same words to him before he ruined him forever. He tries in vain to spit the sock out of his mouth, to break away from him, to just do something. His skin is crawling. He can’t catch his breath as he feels his jeans being unbuttoned. He feels the tape being peeled off his face and almost chokes on the sock as his feeding tube is roughly pulled out and thrown to the floor. He feels something wet dripping down his face and can’t tell if it’s tears or blood. 

“You look prettier without that ugly thing.” Henry comments as he eyes his handiwork.

“Ryan?” Melanie calls out from down the hall.

Ryan has hope that this will be stopped before it gets any worse but that’s quickly extinguished as he’s dragged into the bathroom stall and locked inside. Tears are streaming down his face as his pants end up around his ankles. Now he has no way to run.

Melanie pokes her head into the bathroom, she’s not allowed to go any further into the men’s bathroom. She sees the discarded feeding tube on the ground and feet under one of the stalls. “Ryan is that you?”

Ryan takes his one chance. With all the air he has left he makes a muffled cry for help. He winces as Henry immediately tries to silence him with a sharp jab to the ribs.

Melanie yells down the hall for backup as she walks into the bathroom. That’s when she notices that there’s two sets of feet and not one. She pulls on the door but of course it’s locked. 

A male orderly and a security guard hurry in. 

“Ryan?” Melanie calls out again. “Whoever else is in there? Unlock the door!”

There’s no answer. 

Melanie nods and steps back so that her helpers and break the latch on the door. She’s shocked at what she sees. Her heart is pounding. Poor Ryan looks absolutely terrified.

“Don’t!” Henry stands between them and Ryan. He pulls something out of his pocket. It’s a plastic butter knife from the cafeteria but it’s been sharpened to a point, the handle wrapped in a strip of bed sheet. Henry grabs Ryan and forces him to his knees. He grips onto his hair and wrenches his head back and he holds the makeshift blade to Ryan’s throat. “Come any closer and he gets it.” Henry threatens.

The security officer and orderly give each other a side glance. The orderly gestures down at his hand with his eyes, showing the prepared sedative he had. The officer gives a small nod. He rushes forward, thinking he can just tackle Henry to the ground. 

Henry’s quicker. He shifts just enough to be out of the way. He lets the officer fall to the ground before he drags the makeshift blade over Ryan’s throat. 

Ryan feels nothing but white hot pain. He doesn’t even register that Henry roughly shoves him to the floor and runs. Melanie rushes to Ryan’s side. She pulls the sock free from his mouth so he can finally breathe. She frees his hands and uses the socks that were binding them to apply pressure to Ryan’s throat to try and stem the bleeding. The orderly kneels down with her and calls for an ambulance. He holds a hand on Ryan’s shoulder to keep him still, he’s still fighting to be freed. He can’t stand the hands on him anymore.

He feels a sharp stick in his arm. It only takes a minute or so for things to finally fade to black.


	7. The Newgate Saga: Brendon’s Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon isn’t doing well on his own. He misses Ryan and the snapshots of his life he gets through their nightly phone calls never quite seem like enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as mentioned in my last note, the last chapter and this one happen at the same time. This one’s from Brendon’s perspective. Tw for suicide ideation and drug use

Spencer drops him off at Ryan’s apartment so he can pick up the stuff he’d left there. Brendon puts his spare key into the lock and steps inside. It feels weird and empty without Ryan there. He mulls around the apartment, collecting his things that seem to have gotten strewn everywhere in the last three days. He takes them all to the bedroom and shoves them haphazardly back in his suitcase. 

All packed up he stands by the door and scans the living room one last time for anything he might’ve left behind. His eyes settle on a throw blanket draped over the back of the couch. Ryan seemed to favour it. It’d been almost constantly draped over his shoulders the last few days. It helped to stem his shivering a bit. He walks over to the couch and folds it up, tucking it under his arm and taking it with him. He’ll return it eventually. He assumes Ryan won’t care if he borrows it for a bit. 

He takes a cab back to his own apartment. The silence is deafening. There’s so much he should do. He still hasn’t unpacked from tour and his pile of laundry is probably taller than he is. His apartment is all dusty from being left unattended for the last five months. He can’t bring himself to care about any of it. He feels itchy. Like he needs to do something but he can’t figure out what. 

He decides to do what he always does when he feels this way. He gets into his car and drives down to the liquor store. After all, he’s going to need supplies for the next two weeks. He gets two cases of his favourite beer, a bottle of bourbon and an impulse, a bottle of vodka. Before heading home he meets with his dealer. The dude raises an eyebrow at the quantity Brendon asks for but says nothing when Brendon flashes the cash.

Provisions in hand, Brendon heads back home. He doesn’t want to think about how long the next two weeks are going to feel.

* * *

Brendon is staring up at the ceiling, just counting the endless mounds of stucco. He hears faint tinny music in the background. He blinks and he sits up quickly when he remembers it’s his ringtone. He fumbles for the phone and answers it before it goes to voicemail.

“Hey.” Brendon says, trying not to sound like he’s out of breath from his sprint across the room to answer the phone.

His heart aches when he hears how soft and weak Ryan’s voice sounds as he speaks. “H-hey.”

Brendon sits back down on the couch and picks up the mostly empty beer bottle on the coffee table. He takes the last swig out of it, it’s warm and flat. He grimaces. “I know it’s a dumb question but how are you feeling?”

He can hear Ryan’s soft sigh, the chair he’s sitting in squeaks when he shifts. “I think I’m losing my mind.”

Brendon frowns as he sets the empty bottle amongst the others. “I know it’s gotta be hard. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. What’s it like so far?”

“It sucks. The nurse is nice enough I guess. The doctor is kinda annoying. I don’t like the idea of someone probing at all of my ugly secrets.”

Brendon nods even though he knows Ryan can’t see him. “I hear you. But I imagine they have to pick apart the past to help you understand and recognize what you’re doing and why.” So maybe he’s been doing a little research all day on recovery programs and what they’re like. He knows the odds are stacked against Ryan but he tries not to think too hard about that.

He can hear Ryan’s sharp inhale as he sighs. “It feels like it’s all bullshit. Shoving food down my throat and making me talk about my feelings isn’t going to fix me. I don’t think I can make it two weeks in this place.”

“Try not to focus on it too much.” Brendon suggests. “It’s supposed to be a marathon and not a sprint. Little steps.”

He can hear a soft thud, Ryan must be resting his head down on the table. “I expect the platitudes for everyone else, but not from you.” There’s a hint of bitterness in his voice.

Brendon frowns and sighs. “I’m sorry.”

There’s a long pause on Ryan’s end before he speaks again. “I miss you already, Bren.” The bitterness that was there moments ago now fades away. 

Brendon feels his chest tighten at that. He wraps himself in the blanket he stole from Ryan’s apartment. “I miss you too.” He replies. “Just 13 more days.”

There’s another long pause. “I really don’t think I can do this, Bren.” He almost whimpers. “It’s going to kill me.”

“Don’t talk like that.” Brendon says firmly. “Not after I already watched you almost die.”

He hears a muffled _“whatthefuck?”_ and then a clatter as the phone receiver is dropped. 

“Ry?” Brendon calls out, but the. The line goes dead. He feels his blood run cold. He panics as he looks through the file folder on his coffee table for the number to the front desk of Newgate. He has to make sure that Ryan’s okay. He’s pretty sure he makes zero sense as he speaks a mile a minute to the confused nurse. She tells him she’ll check on him and he lets out a small sigh of relief.

* * *

The next morning, the first thing he’s aware of is the harsh pounding feeling behind his eyes. He groans as he lifts his hand to block out the sun. Wait, he thinks, the sun? He suddenly feels sick to his stomach. He rolls over onto his side to puke. That over with he finally looks around. Why is he on his front lawn? What the hell did he do last night? He groans as he lays back down on the dew covered grass.

Spencer was on his way to get groceries for the week but before leaving he checked his messages. All his texts to Brendon last night were still unanswered. It’s strange because usually the singer is constantly glued to his Sidekick. He decides he’ll swing by on the way to the store, just to check up on him. Spencer squints when he pulls up cause he can’t quite believe his eyes. He sees his friend laying on the grass and hurries over to him. “Bren. You alright?” He asks as he kneels down and shakes his shoulder.

Brendon stirs and bats his hand away.

“What the hell are you doing out here?” He asks. “In your boxers nonetheless. Trying to show off to the neighbours?” He notices the puddle of puke and nudges his friend again. “Come on. Get up.”

Brendon was slow to finally get to his feet. He held onto Spencer’s shoulder to steady himself. 

Spencer sighs as he guides Brendon back into the apartment. The door is locked. Brendon sheepishly shrugs when Spencer asks about his keys. At least Spencer has a spare, it just takes him a few tries to remember which one it is. He opens the door and lets them both in. Spencer looks around at the scattered liquor bottles and wrinkles his nose. “Ah, now I see. Get cleaned up. Pack up some stuff. You’re gonna come stay with me.”

Brendon flops down on the couch. “I don’t really need a babysitter.”

Spencer just drags him back to his feet and points him in the direction of the bathroom. “Go take a shower at least. You reek.”

Brendon grumbles and shuts the bathroom door behind him. He starts to sober up a bit while soaking under the spray of the water and by the time he’s done he feels a little more human. He gets dressed and starts shoving some of the things he needs in his backpack. He goes to meet Spencer in the living room. The other has already cleaned up the mess from last night. He’s a good friend, Brendon thinks to himself.

“Ready?” Spencer asks as he throws the last of the bottles into the recycle bin. 

Brendon sighs and nods, following the other out to his car. He gets in the passenger seat and leans up against the door, closing his eyes.

“Don’t you think this is a little overboard?” Spencer asks as he backs out of the driveway.

Brendon just shrugs.

“I can understand that yesterday was hard but it definitely wasn’t waking-up-half-naked-on-your-front-lawn kind of hard.” Spencer says, his tone disapproving. 

Brendon shrugs again. “Just wanted out of my head for a bit.”

“Haven’t you learned anything the past few weeks?” He sighs. “It’s okay to feel like shit but it’s not okay to drown your problems. You pick up the phone. You call someone. I don’t think I can handle two friends in the hospital.”

Brendon rubs at his temples and wishes he remembered to take some ibuprofen. “Jeez Spence, it’s not that serious.”

“I’m being that serious.” Spencer says firmly. “Maybe this time apart will do you two some good. It’s not healthy to be that codependent.”

“Wow I didn’t know you got a psychology degree since yesterday.”

Spencer shakes his head. “Maybe once you sober up you can pull your head out of your ass and realize I’m right.” He pulls into a parking spot of the grocery store. “In the meantime, I need to get some stuff. Are you coming in or staying here?”

“Staying here.” He mumbles and takes his seat belt off so he can more comfortably curl up in the seat.

Spencer nods and starts to get out of the car. “I won’t be long. Text me if you need anything. Or if you come up with any good snack ideas.” He shoves his keys in his pocket. “And I swear to go if you insist on spay cheese and Oreos again I will shove them up your ass.”

Brendon chuckles and closes his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” He waits about thirty seconds after Spencer enters the store before he sends him a text asking for just that.

 _‘:( < you see that? that’s you making me sad.’ _ Spencer texted back 

* * *

Brendon sits on Spencer’s couch with a plate of homemade chicken and rice balanced in his lap. “I didn’t know you knew how to cook.” He inhales deeply, it smells heavenly. He can’t remember the last time he’s had a home cooked meal. 

“I’ve been learning in between tours.” Spencer offers as he settles with his own plate. “Gotta do something to balance out my diet of fast food and gas station potato chips.” He smiles as he takes a bite. “So have you heard from Ryan yet?”

Brendon nods. “He’s still upset about being there. I feel so bad about taking him.”

“Don’t feel guilty. He needs to be there. He won’t get better on his own and we aren’t equipped to help him.” 

“I’m just scared that we’re making his mental health worse at the expense of getting him physically better.” Brendon admits.

“They’re rated one of the best facilities of their kind. I’m sure they won’t just let that happen. You need to trust him, Bren. He’s not a toddler that needs looking after. Unlike you.” Spencer teases as he eats a few more bites of his dinner. “Eat.” He tells Brendon.

Brendon rolls his eyes. “Yes mom.”

* * *

Brendon answers on the second ring as soon as he sees the number for Newgate pop up. “Hey Ry.” He says gently.

Ryan lets out an audible sigh. “Hey. Sorry. I’m in kind of a shit mood.”

“What happened?” Brendon asks.

“There’s this dude who’s been kind of creeping on me and it’s weirding me out. I don’t know. Everyone keeps insisting that he’s harmless or whatever but he unsettles me. He snooped on our call last night.”

Brendon frowns. He knows this is what Ryan has been fearing. The only reason he agreed to treatment in the first place was that they guaranteed his safety and privacy. “Have you told someone?”

He can hear the sound of Ryan rubbing his face and groaning. “Yeah, they just said they’d talk to him or whatever. I just hope he leaves me alone. I don’t need anymore stress.”

“Other than that though, how are you?” Brendon probes.

“Rough.” Ryan replies. “I kinda freaked out last night and they had to give me meds to sleep. Didn’t help that therapy was kinda rough today.”

“I’m sorry. I wish I knew how to make it all better.” Brendon tells him honestly.

“Just hearing your voice helps a lot. I promise.” 

“In that case I should come up with something better to say.” He chuckled.

“Tell him I said hi.” Spencer says as he gets up to take their plates to the sink.

“Who’s that?” Ryan asks.

“Oh, it’s Spence.”

“He staying with you?” 

Brendon chuckles. “Kind of the other way around. I drank too much and he found me half naked on my lawn and for some reason now he doesn’t trust me.”

He can hear Ryan’s stifled laughter on the other end. “I’m sort of intrigued but I feel like I really shouldn’t ask.”

Brendon leans back against the couch and kicks his feet up on the coffee table. “So Spencer is learning how to cook and I think I should go out and buy him a frilly pink apron.” He says to lighten the mood. He just wants to hear Ryan’s laugh again.

“If you don’t do it, I will.” He can practically hear Ryan’s smirk. “He’s learning to cook? Either he’s going to burn down the house or he’s going to complete his transformation into the band mom.”

Brendon glances over at Spencer washing dishes in the kitchen. “I think it’s both honesty.” Ryan’s laughter makes his heart skip a beat.

* * *

Brendon is tossing and turning in the guest bed in Spencer’s apartment. He probably should be more worried about his erratic sleep patterns but he pushes that thought to the back of his mind. He just does what he has been doing these past few nights, he pulls out his phone and swipes through his pictures. Ryan would kill him if he knew he had this many but he cherishes them all. 

He sees another message from Sarah pop up and leaves it unanswered. He really should reply back. She was so nice to him, she deserves better than the silent treatment. But he can’t deal with those feelings either, so he pushes them down too. He turns off his phone and tosses it down in the sheets. He rolls over. The clock on the bedside table feels like it’s taunting him: 3:49 am. He groans and covers his face with a pillow, wishing sleep would just take him already.

He guesses he manages to doze off for a bit because when he wakes up it’s close to 9. He can smell coffee and the smell of frying bacon in the kitchen. That alone is enough to get any sane man out of bed. He stumbles out into the kitchen just in his boxers. 

“Morning.” Spencer hums. “There’s coffee in the pot, cream is in the fridge. Hope you’re hungry for bacon and eggs.”

Brendon smiles to himself as he takes one of the mugs from the cabinet. “Florida?” He says as he reads the text on it. It looks like of of those cheap souvenirs from a gas station. 

“Hey man, a mug’s a mug.” Spencer just shrugs as he cracks two eggs into a pan. 

Brendon shakes his head and pours himself a cup of coffee, stirring in a bit of cream and sugar. “So much for cooking healthy food, eh?”

“Bacon is definitely one of the food groups.” Spencer assures as he sets a plate on the table for Brendon. He turns back to the pan to scramble some eggs for himself. 

Brendon smirks when Spencer sits across from him. “Ryan’s right, you are the band mom.”

Spencer rolls his eyes. “Well someone has to keep you idiots in line. You’d be buck naked and running down the Strip by now if it weren’t for me.” He punctuates his statement with a bite of his bacon.

“Bold of you to assume that those aren’t my normal Tuesday afternoon plans.” Brendon says with a serious face. He can only keep it for about ten seconds though before he bursts out laughing.

* * *

After lunch Brendon starts whining that he’s bored. He’s not used to just sitting around and doing nothing. At least on the road there’s always things to do, places to see, someone or something that demands his attention. He’s just on the couch in Spencer’s living room but he feels like he might explode.

“I don’t know.” Spencer sighs. “I think I still have a few games laying around.” He gets up to start digging through his entertainment center. He pulls out a small stack of Xbox 360 and GameCube games. “The rest haven’t been shipped back yet so pick your poison.”

Brendon leans forward to flip through the titles. He grins wide as he picks Just Dance, knowing full well he’s about to have Spencer make a fool of himself. He gets up to pop the disk in as Spencer sets up the TV. 

Spencer groans when he sees the title screen. “You can’t be serious.”

“If you don’t like it then why have the game?” Brendon asks as he scrolls through the song selection.

“It came with the damn thing when I bought it.” Spencer shrugs and plops back down on the couch. “I swear to god we’re playing MarioKart after this so I can whoop your ass.”

Brendon sets the controller down as the game counts down. “As if!” Being the only one of them with half an ounce of dance skill, he gets a pretty decent score. “Beat that, bitch!” He passes Spencer the controller.

Spencer rolls his eyes as he swaps places with Brendon. “Don’t get all cocky now.” He picks a song and manages to somehow beat Brendon’s score by two points. “Fuck yeah! Take that!” He gloats. He turns and sees Brendon snickering and holding his phone. “If you filmed that I swear to god!”

Brendon quickly shut his phone and set it on the coffee table. “Who me? Never. Anyway, you just had beginners luck.” He gets up to play another round.

When Brendon finally grabs his phone an hour later he frowns. Three missed calls from Ryan. They’re from half an hour ago.

Spencer comes back from grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and notices the look on Brendon’s face. “What’s going on?”

“Ryan called but I forgot my phone was on silent. Fuck. He’s probably mad at me now.”

Spencer sits down next to him. “Just call up the front desk and ask them to tell Ryan to call you back.” He suggests.

Brendon quickly scrolls through this recent calls for the number. “Why didn’t I think of that?” He sighs and presses the phone to his ear, waiting as it rings.

Less than five minutes later, Ryan calls back. Brendon picks up on the first ring. “Ry, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I had my phone on silent.”

Ryan sighs audibly. “It’s alright. I figured.”

“You sound upset. I hope it’s not cause of me.” Brendon says softly.

“No. No. It’s not you. Just a rough day.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Brendon offers.

Ryan sighs again. “That dude is still being weird. I told him to leave me alone and he just offered to fuck me.”

Brendon instantly felt angered and a little possessive over Ryan. “I hope you told him to shove it. And reported him.”

“Yeah. The doctor and my nurse know but it doesn’t feel like they’ve done anything about it.”

Brendon gets up to walk around the room as he talks. “Do you want me to call? I can raise hell for you.”

“No. No. I’ll deal with it.”

“Okay.” Brendon bites his lip. “What else happened today?”

“Therapy. I hate it. I go in feeling like shit, I come out feeling like shit, but shit that’s been stomped on a few times.” Ryan groans. “And god don’t even get me started on group therapy. The guy who runs it totally looks like someone Pete would be into.”

Brendon snorted. “Oh god. You’re awful.”

“No really. They kind of have matching haircuts.” Brendon can hear Ryan’s tone start to lighten.

Brendon decides that’s gonna be his goal of their phone conversations, he’s going to try to make Ryan laugh at least once. “Well you should’ve been here. I totally whooped Spencer’s ass in Just Dance.”

Ryan giggled. “Not that it takes much. Boy has two left feet.”

“Hey!” Spencer rolls his eyes. “I beat him once.”

“Don’t listen to him.” Brendon shakes his head. “He’s just a sore loser.”

“Hi Spence.” 

Brendon puts his hand over the receiver and relays the message. “He says hi back.”

“I miss you guys.”

Brendon sighs deeply. “Trust me, we miss you too. Please get better soon so you can spare me from Spencer’s home cooking.”

“Only eleven days to go.” Ryan says. “They can’t come soon enough.”

* * *

Brendon giggles as he passes the joint to Spencer. They’re watching some stupid reality TV show and Brendon always thinks things are a million times funnier when he’s high. “Oh my god she’s such a bitch. There’s no way in hell she’s getting invited to that party now.”

Spencer snorts. “I bet Bethany or whatever her name is will just bring her as a +1 just to stir shit up.”

Brendon stretches out on the couch. “Oooh the drama.”

He tries to bring himself back to it when his phone rings though. He’s getting used to the routine of nightly calls, though it’s not nearly as good as having Ryan here with him. “Hi babe.” He greets him.

Ryan sounds a bit raspy as he replies. “Hey.”

“You sound like you’re getting sick or something, are you alright?” Brendon asks with concern. 

“No. I just…” the trails off for a moment. “I almost relapsed but I think I scratched my throat when I did.”

“Almost?” Brendon asks.

“I didn’t actually like, get anything out. One of the nurses stopped me.” He can’t tell if Ryan sounds upset or disappointed.

“Well I’m glad at least one of them is doing their job. How’s it going with the creep?” 

Ryan sighs. “He freaks me the fuck out. He started repeating that TMZ article to me from memory.”

Brendon frowns. “What the fuck? What did you do?”

“I walked away and told his nurse to please keep him away from me.”

Brendon clenches his fists. “It’s already gone too far. I’m gonna talk to the lead nurse after our call. If they won’t take you seriously, maybe they’ll listen to me.”

“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me Bren.” Ryan tells him. 

Brendon sighs. “I really wish you were here to smoke this joint with me. I could really use a second person to help me jump Spencer.”

“God I wish.” Ryan replies. “I’d kill for a joint right about now. Art therapy gave me a headache.”

“Art therapy?” Brendon can’t help but giggle. “Please tell me you’re channeling your inner Bob Ross.”

“Yeah totally.” Brendon can sense the eye roll. “I finger painted you some happy little trees.”

“I’ll let Spence know. He’ll probably hang it on the fridge for you. You know, like a true proud mother.”

Ryan laughs. “Did you get him that apron yet?”

Brendon just smiles. He loves being able to pick Ryan’s mood up. Even if it is just a little. “It’s in the mail. I’ll be sure to take a picture for you.”

* * *

Brendon is in a sour mood all morning. He’s not used to Ryan being more than an arm’s reach away and it’s really starting to take its toll on him. He’s got dark circles under his eyes from another sleepless night. A headache pounds behind his temples as he pours himself his morning coffee. 

“You’re up early.” Spencer yawns as he walks into the kitchen. He has messy bedhead and is wearing a bathrobe. “It’s not even seven yet.”

“Didn’t sleep.” Brendon grumbles as he takes a sip of his black coffee. He doesn’t have the patience to measure out the cream and sugar. 

“I have some melatonin pills I sometimes use on tour. I can give you one if you want.” Spencer offers as he pours himself a coffee too.

Brendon shakes his head. “I don’t think I’d sleep anyway.”

“What’s wrong?” Spencer spoons sugar into his cup. “You’re not usually like this.”

“I’m not usually missing the only person I love.” Brendon grumbles. 

“Bren.” Spencer sighs. “I’m really worried about you. Maybe while Ryan is in treatment you should try and seek someone out too. It couldn’t hurt.”

“I don’t need a shrink.” Brendon rolls his eyes. 

“What does it say about your relationship then if he’s been gone less than a week and you’re already falling apart? That’s not healthy, dude. Not for either of you. I’m sure Ryan is probably working through some of these issues with his therapist. You deserve the help too.”

Brendon digs in his heels. “I’m not going to a shrink and that’s final. Jesus. Drop it. I just need to focus on something else for a bit.”

Spencer sighs as he takes a sip from his coffee. He can’t stop himself from worrying about Brendon. He’s honestly scared at what would’ve happened had he’d not brought him here. He can’t bare the thought of losing two friends. He decides that one way or another he’ll convince Brendon to seek help.

* * *

Ryan sighs. “Yeah he made me write this list about why I think I deserved what happened to me.” He explains about his therapy session. “Then he, like, picked them apart and tried to convince me that none of it was my fault. That I never deserved it.”

“He’s right though. You didn’t deserve it. You were only a kid, Ry. There’s literally nothing you could’ve done differently. Even Spence thinks so and he was right there with you.” 

“It’s just hard to believe. I just can’t process it at all.” Ryan tells him.

“It’ll come, just have patience.” Brendon replies tiredly. He keeps having to stop himself from nodding off. 

“He asked me if I’d forgive my parents.” Ryan grumbles. “As if.”

“They don’t deserve that kindness.” Brendon agrees. After a minute he adds. “I really miss you. It’s hard to sleep without you here.”

“I’m sorry.” Ryan sounds almost guilty. “I’m trying to get better so I can go home…”

Brendon stops him. “No, take all the time you need. Don’t mind me. I’m just being a little selfish.”

* * *

Spencer confronts Brendon when he notices the other has gone three days of no sleep. “You look like you got hit by a truck.” He says as he flicks on the living room lights. “You need to sleep, dude.”

“Can’t.” Brendon shrugs as he mindlessly flips through the tv channels. 

Spencer takes the remote and turns off the tv. “You need to. You’re running yourself into the ground. You can’t be there for Ryan if you’re baring holding on yourself. So bed. Now.”

“At least buy me dinner first.” Brendon pouts and crosses his arms. 

“Shut up and go lay down. I’ll bring you one of my sleeping pills.” He tells him sternly.

Brendon reluctantly listens and heads back to the guest room. 

Spencer comes in with the pill and a glass of water. “So these kinda taste like minty asshole. Sorry.” He hands both to him.

“How would you know what that tastes like?” Brendon raises an eyebrow. He pops the pill in his mouth and grimaces. “No, wait. You’re right. Minty asshole.”

Spencer chuckles and closes the blinds to block out the morning light. “Told you. Now do you want me to tuck you in and read you a bedtime story too?”

Brendon rolls his eyes and flips him off. 

Spencer smiles as he backs out of the room. “If you’re not awake by the time Ry calls I’ll come get you.” 

Brendon nods and curls up on his side. Sleep hits him like a ton of bricks and he’s not sure if it’s just from pure exhaustion or the medicine. 

* * *

Brendon is half awake when Spencer presses his phone into his hand. He sits up as Ryan tells him about how they’re trying to wean him off the feeding tube but he can’t keep anything solid down. 

“They had to send me for a bunch of tests.” Ryan sighs. “I had to swallow this nasty goop so they could see all my insides..”

Brendon frowns. “Well I hope they figure it out and it’s fixable. I imagine it’s pretty upsetting.”

“That goop was pretty upsetting.” Ryan tells him. “Like ground up chalk mixed with dirt. Ugh.”

“Yeah that sounds like it really sucks.”

“Now I just gotta sit around and wait for the results.” Ryan groans. 

“So is that guy leaving you alone now? Cause I kinda gave them an earful about it. May or may not have threatened a harassment suit.” 

“Yeah. He tried to talk to me today but his nurse took him away. So hopefully it just stays that way.”

* * *

The next night that Ryan calls him he’s in a panic. He can hear Ryan’s rapid breathing into the receiver.

“Ry?” Brendon prompts. “Babe. Tell me what’s happening?”

Ryan swallows hard. “I wasn’t supposed to see the number but I did.”

“What number?” Brendon asks, confused. 

“My weight. Fuck. I feel so disgusting.” Ryan’s voice wavers. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”

“Hey, hey.” He coos. “First thing’s first. I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? Calm down. We can talk this out.”

He hears Ryan inhale sharply and then breathe out a few times. “I gained 6 pounds.”

“Ry, that’s a really good thing. I know it hurts. I know it probably feels like you're going backwards but trust me. This is a good thing.”

“It feels like my skin’s too tight. Like every little ounce puts me closer to just popping like a balloon.”

Brendon’s chest tightens. He desperately wants to hold Ryan in his arms, kiss away his tears and convince him it’s all going to be okay. “You can do this, Ryan. I know you can.” He tries to hide the shakiness in his own voice.

* * *

Spencer drops a piece of paper in Brendon’s lap. “You have an appointment at noon tomorrow. I’ll drop you off.”

Brendon looks down at the paper. It’s just a phone number. “For what?” He glances back up at Spencer. 

“I scheduled you to see a therapist. Don’t you dare fight me over it.” He holds a hand up to cut off his protest. “You need to sort out whatever guilt you have over this whole mess. You’re going downhill and I’m not about to just watch it happen to someone else.”

Brendon rolls his eyes. “Now who sounds guilty?”

“Don’t turn this on me. Brendon, if you want a future with him as much as you say you do then you’ll do this. Do it for him.”

Brendon sighs and looks down. “Okay, fine. But if I hate it I’m not going back.”

Spencer figures he just has to pick his battles so he backs off. “I’m gonna make some lunch.”

* * *

Brendon curls up on the bed as he puts Ryan on speaker. He doesn’t tell Ryan that Spencer is making him see a shrink. He doesn’t want Ryan thinking that something else is his fault. “So did you get your results back from all those tests?” Brendon asks. 

“Yeah.” Ryan replies. “I have to have surgery. I have a bunch of built up scar tissue and apparently that’s what’s keeping solid food from going through.”

Brendon is instantly worried. “Surgery? When?” 

“I don’t know. They said I need to gain weight first. That I’m too risky to anesthetize.”

“How much do you have to gain?” He asks.

He can hear Ryan counting, probably on his fingers. “Ten at minimum. But they want fifteen.”

“I know you can get there.” Brendon tries to encourage him. 

“That’s a lot of weight though. I don’t know. The six I already gained feels like too much. I’m gonna be a monster.”

“Don’t talk like that. You’re gorgeous. No matter how much you weigh. I’ll make you believe it one day.”

Ryan sighs. “Yeah, well, good luck.”

* * *

Brendon is nervous as Spencer drops him off in front of the office building. He feels like his guts are all in knots. Ryan has to do this like every day, he can’t imagine what this must feel like for him. He looks down at the scrap of paper in his hand that Spencer scribbled instructions on. He contemplates just running as he waits for what must be the world’s slowest elevator. 

He signs in at the reception desk and they give him a clipboard with a form to fill out. He sits down in one of the chairs and balances it on his lap.

_On a scale of 1-10 with one being low, depressive and ten being content, happy, how are you feeling today?_

Brendon circles the 3.

_Do you have a family history of mental illness?_

Brendon has to think for a moment before he checks the box for “no” because he can’t think of anyone in his immediate family with issues.

_What symptoms brought you in today?_

Brendon sighs as he writes: _low mood, guilt, loneliness, insomnia, anxiety_. He’s already getting tired of this stupid questionaire.

_How long have these symptoms persisted?_

Brendon check the box next to _1+ months_ because he figured this all kind of started back when he decided to leave Ryan and it was all just coming to a head now.

He half ass fills in the rest of the form and turns it in. He hears the receptionist hurriedly typing in his answers before he’s called back.

He nervously extends his hands as the doctor shakes it. 

“I’m Dr. Keele.” The man introduces him. Brendon thinks the doctor looks in his mid forties. He’s got a pink button up shirt on but his suit jacket is draped across the back of his chair. Brendon notices a little paper pride flag sticking out of a pencil cup on the desk. Spencer did his research.

“Brendon.” He tells him as he’s guided over to a set of plush chairs.

The doctor sits and glances over the questions Brendon just filled out. “So usually this first session is meant to be no pressure. I’m going to ask you a bunch of questions to try and get a better handle on what you’re dealing with and how I can help. Sound good?”

Brendon wonders if all therapists talk like this. No wonder Ryan complains about this all the time. “Yeah, sure.” He nods.

He looks back down at the paper. “Alright. You say you’ve been having these issues for the last month or so, what made you seek treatment for them?”

Brendon shrugs. “To be honest my friend kind of made me cause he’s tired of my shit. I guess deep down I know I need to do it too. I’m just stubborn. My boyfriend is in a treatment centre right now. I just want to get myself back to the point where I can be a better support for him.”

“Are you his only support?” The doctor asks as he takes notes. 

“No. But I’m one of the only ones he trusts.” Brendon tells him.

“It can definitely be difficult having someone rely so heavily on you. Your friend is right in telling you to talk to someone. You deserve a support system too.”

By the need of the appointment Brendon is feeling uneasy, raw. He swears he’s never going to think that Ryan is being over dramatic about this again. He schedules his next appointment on the way out and takes the reminder card from the receptionist. He sticks it in his pocket and heads downstairs. He sits on the steps of the building and lights a cigarette as he texts Spencer to come get him.

* * *

“I do too much thinking in here.” Ryan tells him with a sigh. 

“When they let me come visit I can bring you some more stuff to do. I’m sure you’ve filled up your notebook by now.” Brendon offers.

“Yeah it’s full. Not with anything good though.”

“It doesn’t have to be good. Don’t worry about music and all that. I talked to Pete already. We have time.” Brendon flops across Spencer’s couch.

“If I don’t keep myself busy all I can think of is how much I miss you.” He admits.

“Me too. If I didn’t have Spencer jabbing me out of bed every morning I probably wouldn’t have left it at all.”

Ryan sounds concerned as he asks, “are you alright?”

“Yeah yeah.” Brendon waves it off. “Don’t worry about me. You’ve got yourself to focus on.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should look at help too?” 

“You don’t have to worry. I’ve got it covered. I’m fine. I promise.” 

Ryan sighs. “You got mad at me for saying that same thing all the time.”

Brendon knows he’s right. He’s just scared to admit that any of this might be a problem. He doesn’t what to overburden Ryan but on the other hand he feels like he should tell him. “I’ve been struggling a bit. But I really am okay. Trust me, Spencer is kicking my ass into gear. I’ve been getting help.”

“I’m sorry if it’s my fault.” Ryan says softly.

“It’s not your fault at all. It’s just some stuff I need to work on for myself. That’s all.” Brendon tells him honestly. “I love you a lot and I want to be able to stay by your side for all of this.”

“I love you too.”

* * *

Brendon’s next few days go much the same as the others. Spencer tries to keep him busy and talking in any way he can. He’s determined to not let Brendon just shut down on him. They play games, they go for walks, they marathon the worst movies they can possibly think of. Brendon’s grateful for the company even if he isn’t great at saying so out loud. 

Ryan’s been gone for twelve days now. Brendon’s just glad that while it isn’t getting any easier, it isn’t getting harder without him here either. He’s glad for Ryan’s daily calls. It’s become their little ritual. It eases Brendon’s mind so much just to know that he’s okay.

Brendon see the number for Newgate pop up on his phone screen and doesn’t think twice before answering it. Hearing the voice of one of the nurses instead of Ryan makes his stomach sink.

“Hello, is this Mr…” she looks down to read off the file. “Urie?”

“That’s me.” Brendon says quickly. “What’s wrong? Why are you calling me instead of him?”

“Im Kate, I’m the head nurse here at Newgate. I’m afraid I have some bad news. I regret to inform you that there’s been an incident between Ryan and another patient and unfortunately he was injured. He’s currently being taken to the hospital but his injuries don’t appear life threatening.”

Brendon nearly drops his phone. “Was it that patient I warned you guys about?” Brendon’s panicked brain can’t think up the name. “The one that was making Ry uncomfortable?”

“Yes. He’s in police custody now. The facility is pressing charges. Ryan can decide if he wants to as well.” The nurse tells him.

“What hospital is he going to?” He scrambles to find a scrap piece of paper to write on as she gives him the details. He hangs up after. He’s afraid if he stays in the line much longer the blow up won’t be pretty. “Spence!” He calls out as he walks back towards the bedrooms.

Spencer rushes out at the tone of his voice. “What’s wrong?” 

Brendon has tears welling in his eyes. “Ry’s hurt. We gotta go.”

Spencer rushed to put on some pants and his shoes. He grabs his keys off the hook by the door. “You can explain on the way.” He tells Brendon.

Brendon is shaking with both fear and rage as they head to the hospital. “I can’t believe they just let this happen. How many times did Ry tell them this dude was fucked? I’m going to have someone’s head over this. I’m going to take him back home.”

“Let’s just hope he’s okay.” Spencer said as he sped up the car. “We’ll be there soon.”


	8. The Newgate Saga: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan has finally started to accept that he needs to be here and that he’s not getting out any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each of the “Newgate Saga” chapters will cover one month of Ryan’s time in the treatment center. As such they’re going to be relatively long. Hope y’all are ready for that lol. 
> 
> Tw: for mentions of sexual assault/trauma and mild homophobia

Brendon is shaking with anger as Spencer drives them to the hospital. The only thought on his mind is making sure that Ryan is okay. He feels awful. He’s the one that convinced Ryan into going to Newgate. He told him it would be safe. This is the last thing Ryan needs when his recovery is still so fresh. He just hopes Ryan will forgive him. His feelings of guilt only intensify the closer they get to the hospital.

* * *

Ryan wakes up in a hospital room, groggy and confused. His throat feels tight and when he reaches his hand up he feels a bandage around his throat. He’s instantly back in that moment, naked and on the floor while Henry tries to slit his throat. He shudders and drops his hands into his lap. He’d hoped this was just another nightmare, not one come to life. 

The nurse notices he’s awake and walks in to check on him. “Hello, Ryan.” She says gently. “I’m Beth. I’m just going to take your vital signs real quick.” 

Ryan flinches away and won’t let her touch him. He’s overwhelmed and can’t handle it. “Don’t.” His voice is shaking almost as much as he is.

“It’s alright.” Beth says gently. “I won’t hurt you, I promise. This will only take a moment and then I can give you something to help with your anxiety, alright?”

Ryan holds strong and scoots as far against the rail of the bed as he can. “Don’t touch me.”

Brendon comes into the room, sounding out of breath from how fast he ran in from the parking garage. “Ry, baby. I’m here.” He hurries to his bedside. 

Beth smiles and introduces herself. “And how are you related to Ryan?” She asks.

“I’m his boyfriend.” Brendon doesn’t even glance at her. He swallows hard when he sees the bandages around his neck and the scratch on his face from where the feeding tube was ripped out. He frowns a bit when he grabs Ryan’s hand but it’s immediately ripped from his grasp. “Ry, what happened?”

Ryan’s eyes well with tears. He’s afraid and he doesn’t want anyone else’s hands on him. The touch physically aches. He still doesn’t relax, even when the nurse leaves. 

This time Brendon just holds out his hand near him, offering Ryan the chance to take it on his own terms. “I’m so sorry, Ry. I shouldn’t have sent you to that place. I should’ve done more to keep you safe.”

Slowly, Ryan sets his hand in Brendon’s. It’s the first time he’s seen his boyfriend in two weeks and he wants to be closer to him, but he just can’t bring himself to do it at the moment. His mind is still in overdrive. “H-he grabbed me and he tried…” Ryan shuts his eyes tight. “He tried to...I don’t know. He had me tied up and naked when they broke down the door. It all went too fast. I think he tried to slit my throat.”

Brendon sits on the edge of the bed and holds his hand tight. “I’m so sorry Ry. That never should’ve happened. Even I reported him for you. It should’ve never gone this far. I’m so sorry.”

Ryan moves a little closer, he just wants to feel a touch that doesn’t hurt. “You’re not the one that needs to apologize.” He lets out a deep breath and finally opens his eyes. “I don’t want to go back there, please don’t make me go back.” He whimpers.

Brendon holds his arms out, letting Ryan lean into the embrace if he wants it. “No, you’re not going back there.” He wraps his arms around Ryan when he feels him settle against him. “Not if I have any say in it.”

Spencer comes into the room. “God I swear there’s only like two spots in that parking garage that aren’t reserved parking.” He sighs. “Sorry it took so long for me to get up here. Are you-“ he stops when he finally gets a good look at his friend. He wasn’t sure what happened when Brendon hastily explained it to him, but now reality is just too stark. 

Ryan frowns and looks down. “That bad, huh?”

“No, no.” Spencer shakes his head. “Just a shock. Are you okay?”

Brendon turns to look up at Spencer. “That fucker tried to slit his throat.” He leaves out the other part of the story for Ryan’s sake.

Spencer grabs the chair from the corner and sits down in it. “I got a call from Newgate on the way up. He’s in jail. They’re not letting him back into the program. They had a meeting with all the nursing staff and they’re going to take steps to make sure it never happens again.”

Brendon rolls his eyes. “It shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Ryan and I reported this guy how many times? And every time they did jack shit. They let it happen and now they’re backpedaling in hopes we won’t sue them or go to the press.”

Ryan shrinks against Brendon’s side. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I want to go home.”

Spencer just frowns. “Ry, I know what just happened is awful, and that it should’ve never happened. You can’t throw away the progress you’ve made just because of that stupid motherfucker.”

Brendon holds Ryan tight in his arms. “No. I’m not letting him go back there.” He says protectively. Maybe it’s a little selfish of him but now that he has Ryan in his grasp he’s reluctant to let him go again. Especially if he’s going to get hurt. “Is it really progress if he calls me near tears every night cause of what they do in there?”

“No one ever said recovery is going to be easy.” Spencer shoots back. “But we all know Ryan was never going to recover on his own. If we didn’t find him help he’d probably be dead now.”

Ryan frowns. “Why does everyone always talk about me like I’m not in the room and I don’t have my own fucking opinions?” 

Spencer sighs and his shoulders drop. “I’m sorry Ry. I just think, as hard as it is, that you should stay in the treatment program. That douchebag can’t hurt you anymore. I’m sure Brendon is ready to give them the tongue lashing of a lifetime to make sure it never happens again.”

Brendon nods. “They’re lucky if a tongue lashing is all they get. But the decision lies with you, Ry. If you want to leave, I’ll help get you out, if you want to stay, I’ll fight for you to be safe in there.” Brendon thinks he should pat himself on the back a little for this. It hurts to have to give up Ryan again, after all of this. Brendon is sure this is going to set his recovery back, but Spencer is right. Ryan will never get better if left to his own devices, and as much as he wants to have Ryan back in this present moment, he wants to have him for the foreseeable future too. 

Ryan swallows hard as he thinks over his options. He’s definitely scared and doesn’t want to go back. He knows that if he goes home he will just fall back into old habits. He doesn’t trust himself. He knows his friends don’t trust him either. Ryan grips onto Brendon’s shirt, just wanting to feel close to him for as long as he can. “I-I don’t want to...but Spence is right. I won’t get better alone.” He says softly.

Brendon gives him a squeeze. It hurts a little that Ryan doesn’t want to come home with him, but ultimately he knows it’s the right decision. “Okay.” He says softly. “I love you and I just want to see you get better.”

Ryan lets out a deep breath. “I love you too.”

* * *

It’s a few hours later and late into the night before Ryan is finally discharged. They are told that Ryan will have to have his bandages changed daily, but that the wound isn’t deep enough to need stitches and should heal with minimal scarring.

Ryan gets into the back seat of Spencer’s car and Brendon follows after. Ryan lays down across the seat with his head in Brendon’s lap. He’s really tired, not used to being up this late anymore. Brendon runs his fingers through Ryan’s hair. Spencer turns on the radio to fill the silence as he starts to drive out of the maze of the hospital parking garage. 

Ryan rests a hand on Brendon’s knee. He’s so scared to go back. He wants to back out, change his mind but he’ll just disappoint everyone if he does. So he just stays quiet. He tries to focus on anything else instead, the hum of the engine, the feeling of Brendon’s fingers brushing his scalp, the soft garbled sound of staticky talk radio playing through the speakers. Anything to keep his mind off going back to Newgate. 

Spencer parks the car and shuts it off, turning to look back at the two of them. “You ready?” He asks.

Brendon nods and just nudges Ryan to get up. He holds his hand as they slowly walk up to the building. Spencer pushes the button for the buzzer and the nurse watching the cameras gets up from behind the desk to let them in. 

She gives a sympathetic smile to them. “Just wait here a moment and I’ll page his nurse to come back and take him to his room.”

Ryan presses himself into Brendon’s side, clinging onto him. “Please don’t make me do this.” He whimpers.

Brendon’s heart aches for him. The last thing on earth he wants to do is let him go right now. He knows this is the right thing for him even if it hurts. “I’m sorry.” He replies softly. “At least I can come back and visit in a few days.”

Dallon came out from the locked ward door and introduces himself to Spencer and Brendon before taking Ryan back. Ryan gives Brendon one last sad glance over his shoulder as the door closes. 

The head nurse comes out of her office. She’d stayed late so she’d have the opportunity to hopefully smooth things over. “You must be Brendon. I’m Cindy, we spoke on the phone earlier. Could I have you come with me so we can talk more privately?”

Spencer points to a chair in the corner. “I’ll wait here.”

Brendon nods and follows the nurse back to her office. He sits in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

She takes a deep breath and straightens out the stack of papers on her desk. “Let me be the first to apologize for what happened tonight. I’m deeply sorry that it ever had to come to this.”

Brendon has to resist rolling his eyes. “You’re right. It shouldn’t have. I can’t believe you guys can tout your record of safety while you let that fucker sexually and physically assault my boyfriend. Ryan reported him. Hell, I reported him! And this is what it comes to? This is pure negligence.”

She shuffles through the papers. “I don’t have any record of any of the reports.”

Brendon’s frown deepens. “Add sucky record keeping to your list. You’re lucky I don’t get our legal team involved.” He says, more to make her nervous than anything.

Her eyes widen a bit. “I’m sure the reports are here, I must’ve printed off an older version of his file by mistake.” She tries to backpedal.

Brendon crosses his arms. “If I’m going to keep him here I want to know what you’re going to do to make sure he stays safe. For real this time.”

She nods. “I met with the whole of our nursing staff earlier to discuss this issue. We’re going to enact new policy changes and a zero tolerance rule for any behaviour that makes others uncomfortable. As I told your friend on the phone earlier, Henry has been taken into police custody and will not be allowed back into our treatment program. In the future we will be more selective with our cases. But for now, Ryan is the only patient in the men’s ward. The only time he’ll be around others will be mealtimes and group activities, and during free time if he so chooses. Hopefully that assuages some of your fears.” 

Brendon is glad that they are taking the problem seriously now but he still feels like they should’ve done so before it escalated. “What about the impact this is going to have on him? What are you going to do about that?”

“He already has a regular appointment with his doctor tomorrow and together they can decide if daily sessions will be more appropriate for the time being. His nurses are also going to check on him more frequently to make sure he stays safe.” Cindy informs him. “And I’ll see what I can do about making sure those reports find their way into his file.” She is hoping that all this is enough to calm Brendon’s threats of legal action.

Brendon purses his lips. “Okay, but if you or your people step so much as a toe out of line I will take him out of here and find somewhere else to take him. And I can guarantee lawyers will be involved.”

She nods. “Well lets hope it doesn’t come to that then, shall we?” She glances over at her clock, it’s getting close to midnight. “It’s getting late. I imagine you must be rather tired too. I’ll let you go home for the night but you can feel free to call me anytime with questions.” She plucks a card from the holder on her desk and hands it to him.

* * *

Ryan jumps when Melanie wakes him up the next day. She quickly pulls her hand off his shoulder. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. Dr. Michael wants to see you right away this morning so I’ll just feed you real quick and get you to him.” 

Ryan curls up more under the blankets as she puts in a new feeding tube for him. Since it was late when he got back from the hospital last night no one has had the chance to put one in until now. It stings a little as it goes down and he winces. 

Melanie tapes it off to his cheek. “Just relax, that part is over with.” She tells him in a gentle tone as she turns to grab the syringe to flush the tube. “The rest will only take a minute.” She flushes the tube the connects the syringe with the food, then after that repeating the flushing process. “All done.”

Ryan is slow to sit up. He feels weighed down, like he should just stay here in bed instead. He takes the pills he’s handed. His head feels as if it’s filled with cotton and everything just moves in slow motion. He knows this feeling. He’s had it before and it scares him every time. Melanie notices his reluctance and helps get him to his feet and guides him down the hall to the doctor’s office. 

Ryan sits on the couch and curls forward, hiding his face behind his hands. He doesn’t want to be here. He’d feather the floor open up and just swallow him whole. 

“Hello, Ryan.” The doctor says softly as he sits in his own chair across from him. “I’m so deeply sorry for what happened yesterday.”

Ryan just shrugs his shoulders. “Sure you are.” His tone is flat and dull.

Dr. Michael can tell already that this is going to be a major setback for Ryan. The man in front of him now seems even more meek and scared than he did when he came in almost two weeks ago. He takes a deep breath as he tries to think of the right approach to this situation. “Do you want to tell me what you’re feeling right now?”

Ryan shakes his head, letting his hands drop into his lap. “What’s the point? I’m so tired of you digging up things that I don’t want to feel.”

“I know right now your brain is telling you that the right move is to shut down, but that’s not the case. You need to talk these things out and not bottle them up. It only lets the hurt fester if you don’t clean the wound.”

Ryan sighs. “How the hell am I supposed to feel after one of your fucking patients tries to rape me and then when he gets caught, tries to slit my throat instead?”

“I know it must’ve been really scary with your past history of similar incidents.” The doctor offers. 

Ryan finally relents but he can’t bring himself to meet the doctor’s eyes. “Everything he said, I just heard it in my dad's voice.”

“Perhaps the key to processing this trauma is locked within the past one.” Dr. Michael adds a few quick notes to Ryan’s case file. 

“I don’t want to think about what they did. It just hurts too much.” Ryan fidgets with his hands in his lap.

“It’s okay to feel that hurt. Especially here in my office. Anything you say to me stays with me. You’re safe here.”

Ryan shakes his head. “Am I really? I told you the shit Henry said to me and you still let him walk around with zero consequences.”

“I’m so sorry that we did fail you in that respect. I can’t apologize enough for it. I genuinely do want to help you through this. I don’t want to see it tear down all the good progress you’ve made so far.”

“What the hell is progress if it means I just feel worse than when I started?” Ryan feels a headache forming behind his eyes. He just wants to go back to bed. He wants to wake up and realize this is all just another one of his damn nightmares.

* * *

Ryan is drained as he dials Brendon’s number. He leans his head on his hands and tries to stay awake as he listens to it ring.

“Hey, Ry.” Brendon greets after the fourth ring. “Sorry I didn’t answer right away, I was just getting out of the shower.”

“It’s okay.” Ryan mumbles.

“You alright? I know you had a long night last night.” Brendon asks as he wraps himself in a towel and heads to the guest room to get some clean clothes. He puts Ryan on speaker as he gets dressed.

“I’m just exhausted in more ways than one. My therapist really dug at me today.”

“Why?” Brendon asks as he pulls a clean shirt on over his head. 

“He thinks I haven’t accepted what my dad did to me and that’s why I’m so upset about yesterday.” Ryan sighs. “I just fucking hate that he’s right. Does he have to be so smug about it every time?”

“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?” He asks, putting the phone back up to his ear as he tugs up a pair of sweatpants. 

“Not really.” Ryan replies. “Not unless you know how to plot an elaborate prison break.”

“I think I can borrow an angle grinder. You’ll have to come up with the rest of the plan.” Brendon says, hoping to lighten his mood.

“Do you even know how to use power tools?” 

“No. Why do you think I’m a singer and not a contractor?” He jokes. “Plus neon orange is not a flattering look on me.”

Ryan snorts. “God, why do I even know you?” He says with an air of sarcasm.

“Someone has to make you laugh once in a while, Mr. Serious.” 

Ryan chuckles a little, he’s always a little bit of a pushover when it comes to Brendon. “Is it sad if I miss you already? You holding me last night at the hospital just wasn’t enough.”

Brendon smiles fondly at that. “You get to have visitation now. I’ll be there on Tuesday before your lunch time.”

“That seems like forever from now.” Ryan complains.

“Just focus on what you need to do. It’ll be over before you know it.”

* * *

Brendon is nervous and excited when Spencer drops him off in front of Newgate. It’s only been four days since he’d seen Ryan last but it feels like it’s been an eternity. He grabs the gift bag from the back seat and shuts the car door. 

“Call me when you’re ready. I’m gonna grab lunch.” Spencer smiles at him.

Brendon nods and waves him off before heading inside. He signs the visitor log at the front desk.

“You’re here for Ryan, right?” The receptionist asks.

Brendon nods. “Yeah. Can I see him now?”

She points down to the bag. “I’m afraid I’ll have to take that from you. Anything that comes in has to be checked for contraband.”

Brendon just hands it over. “Alright.”

“Just follow the signs to the day room. It’s at the back of that hall.” She gestures. “Last door on the left.”

Ryan is anxiously waiting on one of the couches in the corner. He watches as everyone else has their visitors show up, but frowns when he doesn’t see Brendon. He’s starting to worry he won’t show. That fear quickly melts away when he sees Brendon walk in, finally. He runs up to him and hugs him tight. Brendon just returns the embrace. Ryan kisses him as he walks Brendon backwards towards the couch. Brendon’s knees give out and he drops down, pulling Ryan with him.

Ryan climbs into his lap, craving the feeling of being close to him, almost drunk on it. He misses everything about this, the way he smells, the feeling of his lips as they kiss. “I missed you.” He mumbles as he presses as close as he can.

Brendon finally gets a good look at Ryan. He notices the way that the color is finally starting to return to his face. It’s filled out ever so slightly. His eyes no longer seem as sunken and sallow. When Brendon runs his hand down Ryan’s side he thinks he can feel just a little less of his rib cage. The bandage around his neck has been replaced with a few taped down pads of gauze. “You look really good, Ry.”

Ryan shakes his head. “You don’t have to flatter me.”

“I’m not. It’s just really good to see you starting to look healthy. You have color in your face and there’s that spark back in your eyes again.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Brendon shrugs. “Maybe you don’t see it, but I definitely do. I’m proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished so far.”

Ryan rolls his eyes but Brendon notices him cracking a smile. “You don’t have to get all sappy on me.”

Brendon kisses the tip of Ryan’s nose. “Is it sappy if it’s true?”

Ryan just lays his head on Brendon’s chest, still clinging to him. “I don’t deserve you.” He murmurs.

“You know, I tell myself the same thing a lot.” Brendon admits. “But maybe there’s just some things you aren’t meant to question. They just happen. I’m glad it did though. I’ll take it all, the good and the bad.”

Ryan smiles as he traces little patterns on Brendon’s chest. “Oh now you’re _really_ getting sappy on me.”

Brendon loops his arms around Ryan’s waist. “Sappy is my middle name.”

Ryan smiles. “Oh? Did you get it changed?” He teases a little. “I like it better than Boyd.”

Brendon rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “What am I gonna do with you?” 

Ryan curls closer to him if it’s even possible at this point. “Hold me. Never let me go.”

Brendon holds him tight to his chest and kisses the top of his head. “Never.” He hums.

* * *

Ryan starts to toss and turn in the middle of the night. He whimpers and cries out at unseen foes. He’s flushed and sweaty as he tangles himself in the blankets.

**_He’s in a darkened hallway. He can’t see what’s in front of him or behind him but he feels like there’s eyes on him. There’s a flash, like the light from a camera. He sees a beastly monster, teeth bared and snarling at him. He only catches a glimpse before he’s plunged back into darkness with it. The flash happens again but this time in place of the monster it’s his father._ **

**_The man half smirks as he looks Ryan dead in the eyes. “Run.”_ **

**_Ryan feels like he can’t scramble to his feet fast enough. He runs until his lungs ache but it isn’t enough. The monster is gaining on him. He can’t get far enough away no matter how hard he tries. Something snares around his foot and he trips and hits the ground hard. He claws at the dirty floor, trying desperately to stop himself from being dragged back into the darkness._ **

**_“No!” He cries out. No. Not when the light is so close he can almost taste it. He tries harder to crawl towards the glimmer of hope but the monster just keeps him there, not letting him gain even an inch of ground._ **

**_Suddenly he can’t keep it up anymore. He’s being dragged back down.  
  
_**

Ryan screams as he bolts upright. He has to pinch himself to make sure he’s not still dreaming. That one felt way too real. He flinches as someone flips on the light.

Dallon sits down on the edge of the bed. “Hey. Easy. Easy. Tell me what’s wrong?”

Ryan looks down at his trembling hands and shakes his head.

“Bad dream?” Dallon asks.

Ryan nods slightly.

“Do you get them a lot?” 

Ryan nods again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” The nurse offers. “I’m always here to listen.”

Ryan brings his knees up to his chest. He still fees off, like he doesn’t fully exist. “My dad was this monster and he chased me. It was stupid.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid. It must’ve been pretty scary to have you so shaken up.”

Ryan sighs and pulls the blankets up, wrapping it around his shoulders. “It’s all variations of the same shit. I can’t escape him even though he’s dead. He’s always haunting me.”

Dallon nods. “You know, they say dreams are our brain’s way of processing the things we can’t or don’t want to think about while we’re awake. Maybe it’s just your brain trying to tell you that it’s something you need to work on.”

Ryan pulls the blanket tighter around himself and looks down. “I don’t want to work on it. I don’t want to think about it. I just want him gone from my memory. He doesn’t deserve me wasting another breath on him after what he did.” 

“The things that hurt the worst can be the hardest to work through.” Dallon offers with a shrug. 

“You ever struggle with anything like this?” Ryan asks, wanting to shift the focus off him for a bit.

“A little. But nothing to that extreme. I questioned my faith when I was younger and it caused a lot of strife in my family.” Dallon leans back against the wall to get more comfortable. 

“What faith?” Ryan asks curiously. “I was raised Catholic. Never really believed in it though.”

“Latter Day Saints.” 

“Oh, Mormons. You’d probably get along with Brendon then. He left the church at like 12 though, I think.”

Dallon nods. “You grew up similar I assume so you probably know much it disappoints them when you question their beliefs.”

Ryan nods. “My dad sent me to catholic school till he couldn’t afford it anymore. I just never liked being told what to do. Like god gives you free will but expects you to do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around in the middle of service. You gotta follow these rules. Only do things this certain way, or the imaginary friend upstairs will punish you for all eternity.”

Dallon laughs. “That’s one way to put it I suppose.” 

“And I got tired of being told I was wrong for just existing. Catholics are kinda famous for their guilt trips so I don’t know what I expected.”

Dallon nods. “It turns decent men into monsters for some reason. That part has always unsettled me.”

Ryan rubs the sleep from his eyes. “So you really think if I deal with the baggage from my dad I can really sleep without the nightmares?” He asks.

Dallon shrugs. “I don’t know, man. I’m not a doctor but I figure you might as well do it here while you have the immediate support. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Ryan nods a little and looks down. “Maybe you’re right.”

Dallon takes a deep breath and lets it out. “You should try going back to sleep. If in like half an hour you can’t get to sleep, just push the call button and I’ll bring something to help.”

Ryan nods and moves to lay back down, cocooning himself in the blankets to stem his shivering. “Thanks for talking to me.” He murmurs.

Dallon gives a small smile as he turns the light out. “It’s what I’m here for. Now try and rest.” He closes the door as quietly as he can.

Ryan tries to fall back to sleep but never quite gets there. He doesn’t feel like asking for meds though. He’ll take the groggy feeling over the slow, sedated feeling the meds leave him with. He’s wide awake and curled up on his side when Melanie comes in for morning rounds.

“You’re not usually up this early.” She comments. 

Ryan shrugs. “Couldn’t really sleep.”

“I saw Dallon’s note about your nightmare. If you were having trouble sleeping after he should’ve offered you meds.” She sits down next to him as she does their usual routine. 

“I told him I didn’t want any.” Truthfully he is a little afraid of having the nightmare all over again and he doesn’t think he can live through that more than once in a night. 

She nods as she feeds him. “In the future, the offer is always there if you need it. Sleep is very important.” She finishes off by handing him his little cup of pills. 

Ryan takes them and craws out of bed to grab his clothes to get changed. He just wants to climb back into bed. He’s so exhausted, but unfortunately breakfast awaits. At least he has the promise of a cup of coffee to look forward to. 

After breakfast it’s yet another therapy session. Ryan rubs at his tired eyes as he yet again finds himself in front of Dr. Michael. He thinks he can name every detail of this office from memory from how much he’s stared at it all.

“So,” the doctor starts. “How do you feel about the topic of forgiveness?”

Ryan shrugs. “I think it’s pointless.”

“Forgiveness gives one the chance to move on, to move forward.” 

“Maybe, but there’s some people you just can’t forgive. I’ll never forgive my mother or father. They’ve already got enough of me. They don’t deserve that too.” Ryan sighs and leans back to stare up at the ceiling. 

“Do you think that carrying that hate and burden is part of the reason for your disorder?” The doctor questions.

He shrugs. “They can’t hate me half as much as I hate myself. My disorder was ultimately my doing and no one else’s.” He leans forward, elbows on his knees. “I don’t see what good forgiving them will do. Dallon said it might stop the nightmares but I don’t believe him.”

“Nightmares?” The doctor makes a new section of his notes. “You haven’t mentioned them before.”

Ryan sighs. “It’s like I’m stuck in a loop of the same half dozen dreams. It’s always my dad after me somehow and he always gets me.”

“I can see why that would be upsetting. Maybe we can work together to find some ways to make dealing with them easier.” He suggests. 

“I don’t think forgiveness is really the place to start.”

“If nothing else it can help lighten the load on you, you know, emotionally.” Dr. Michael tells him.

“I don’t see it that way. It just sounds like something someone who hasn’t been through a lifetime of abuse would say.” His gaze shifts to the floor. “Forgiveness is only surface level. Eventually all that hate just seeps back up and you’re just back where you started.”

“You’re not forgiving them for their benefit, Ryan. You’re forgiving yourself. You’re allowing your mind to be kinder to yourself. No one expects you to forget. But you can take that first step in breaking their hold on you. They only have power over you if you keep letting them have it.”

Ryan swallows hard and takes a deep breath. He knows the doctor is right. For as much shit as he gives the man, he knows just the right words to make things make sense to him. He closes his eyes as he repeats his mantra in his head. _“I deserve good things.”_ He doesn’t want to admit it out loud, but it somehow helps. “I just wish I could dig memories out of my head. Cause when the urges hit, it’s her voice I hear at the back of my mind telling me to do it.”

The doctor nods as he writes something in Ryan’s file. “Then we can work on replacing that voice with something new. Something that will hold more weight in your mind.”

“Like what?” Ryan asks.

“What’s something that someone has said to you that only fills you with happy thoughts and memories?”

Ryan closes his eyes as he thinks. His mind quickly drifts to Brendon. He imagines the way he says ‘I love you’ and how it makes a smile pull at the corners of his lips every time. “When Brendon tells me he loves me.”

The doctor nods. “Then I want you to picture that in your mind when you feel yourself getting dragged down by these thoughts of how others have harmed you. I think you’ll find that love is far more powerful than darkness.”

* * *

Thursdays are group therapy days. Ryan hates when Gerard makes him talk but he kinda likes the people watching aspect. He likes listening to the stories of the other patients. Some are just as fucked up as him. There are others that are worse, like the young girl who watched her parents die after their car crashed and caught on fire and she was the only one to get out alive. It’s weirdly comforting to him to know that as much as his life has sucked this far, it can only go up from here.

Today there’s someone at group he doesn’t recognize. He’s been the only male patient for the better part of a week now so this new person stands out. He’s just a touch shorter than Ryan but the threadbare clothes he wears just seem to hang off him. Like a stiff wind might just blow them clean off. Ryan knows too well what that is like. He watches the other man sit beside him once Gerard herds everyone over towards the chairs.

Gerard gives his usual spiel for when a new person joins and asks the new person to introduce themselves before they go on with their topic of the day.

The new person seems to curl in on themselves as they speak. “I’m Tyler and I really don’t want to be here.”

“None of us want to be here.” One of the patients chuckles. “Not when we have to listen to that guy’s terrible jokes.” He points his thumb in the direction of Gerard. 

Gerard rolls his eyes. “Oh come on, my jokes aren’t that bad, right?” He asks the room, but everyone falls into total silence. If it were a TV show you’d just hear the cricket chirp sound effect. He blushes a little and rubs the back of his neck. “Okay, maybe they are, but let’s get onto the topic of today. We’re gonna be talking about bad habits. What are some of your guys’ bad habits and what do you think you can do to improve upon them. For example, one of my bad habits is smoking. I know I need to quit because it’s bad for my health, but I always put it off. So I decided that when I run this pack out, no more.” He nods as he looks around the circle. “Ryan, how about you go next.”

Ryan freezes. He loathes being put on the spot. “Uh… I guess you mean non ED ones.” He stammers. 

“Share whatever you feel like.” Gerard encourages.

Ryan takes a deep breath and looks down at his feet. “I get down on myself a lot to the point that people really get mad at me for it. It’s a bad habit and I know it but it’s just kind of how I deal with things.”

“I do that too.” Someone else speaks up. “Someone once told me to try this thing where if you’re going to say something negative about yourself, stop, count to three and ask yourself if you really want to say it out loud. It really helped me a lot.”

Gerard nods. “That’s a good tip. What do you think you can apply to help this habit of yours, Ryan?”

Ryan thinks for a moment. “I’m going to try and tell myself that I deserve better, I guess. That I should learn to have some patience with myself for the first time in my life.”

Ryan thinks Gerard comes off kind of pretentious, but he’s smarter than Ryan gives him credit for. He’s good at guiding people into figuring out their own answers and seeing connections in places they might have never before. He’s a good mixture of friendly and sympathetic. For once he actually feels like he gets something out of one of these group sessions. Maybe he’ll have to participate more often from now on. 

He notices that the new kid, Tyler, his mind supplies, has been quiet the whole time. He doesn’t look at anyone. He barely moves the whole session. Ryan finds him interesting, though. He can’t quite figure out why.

* * *

That night at dinner Ryan notices Tyler sitting in what’s normally his spot. He grabs a juice box and decides to go over and join him. Unless he’s another Henry, what’s the worst that can happen, right? He tries to shake the thought of Henry as he walks to the table and sits down. “Hi.” He says softly.

Tyler jumps, like he’s lost in thought but Ryan’s voice brings him out of it. “Oh. Hi.” He replies.

“I know it’s scary being the new guy.” Ryan shrugs. “I was the new guy up until today. I’m Ryan, by the way.”

Tyler nods and bit but shifts his gaze down to his hands in his lap. “Yeah, I heard you say your name at group.” 

“I hope I’m not coming off as weird or anything.” Ryan says nervously. “I just normally sit here is all.”

Tyler swallows hard. “Oh, I’m not like stealing your spot or anything am I? It’s just this is the only quiet table in this place.”

Ryan shakes his head. “You’re fine, no don’t worry. And I know. That’s why I picked it too.”

Tyler slowly starts to smile. “It’s nice to meet you by the way.”

Ryan smiles in return. “It’s nice to meet you too.” 

It feels like just as they’re getting into conversation, meal time is over. Ryan invites Tyler to sit with him at breakfast if he wants. Tyler gladly accepts. Is this how you make friends? Ryan asks himself. He’s so rusty he forgets how the process even works. There’s no time to make friends when you live on the road. You only see people in little bursts, you roll through town like a tumbleweed only to be gone again in an instant. It’s not exactly a stable basis for friendship. Ryan guesses since they’re both stuck in here they might as well make the best of it.

* * *

The next morning Ryan has to be taken for another weekly weigh in. The scale is his enemy now when it used to be his friend, his salvation and the portal to his goals. His fucked up goals, he thinks. No one should openly desire to be ninety pounds. He used to climb onto every single scale he saw without fail, now they just stir fear deep in his gut. He doesn’t want to see the number this time. He doesn’t want that figure to obsess over and pick apart. He knows that only brings him down and he’s really trying to be better than that. If he doesn’t see the number, it doesn’t have to exist, right?

Melanie guides him up on to the scale backwards and this time she covers the display with her hand, only peeking so she can add the number to his chart. She lets him step off. “You’re making good progress. You’ll be at the weight you need for surgery in no time.”

“Oh yay. I get to be more fat.” He rolls his eyes.

She leads him out of the exam room. “You aren’t fat Ryan. I know it’s hard to believe.”

Ryan shakes his head. It’s the one thing he’s not sure anyone can convince him out of. It’s so ingrained in him that it’ll never just go away. “When I go for surgery will Brendon be allowed to be there?”

She walks him to the cafeteria for breakfast. “I’m sure he will be. They’ll tell you more details when the time comes.”

Ryan sighs as he walks into the cafeteria. At least it’s a visitation day so he has seeing Brendon to look forward to. He grabs his usual coffee and sees Tyler already at the table. He looks flushed as he stares down at his exchange card. 

“I don’t understand these.” Tyler says as Ryan sits down. 

“I’ve only had to fill them out a couple times, but they have a number at the top and you basically have to pick what it says out of each category.” Ryan tries to explain.

Tyler sighs and just starts checking random boxes. “Man, I wish I had the tube like you, that’d just be way easier.”

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s not that much easier. The tape is itchy and it hurts your nose after awhile.” He glances down at Tyler’s card. “Oh, you hand it to that guy over there.” Ryan points. “Then they bring your food over to you.”

“Thanks.” Tyler gets up to hand in his card. He comes back a minute or two later. “So, sorry about yesterday. I was kind of out of it.”

Ryan shrugs. “It’s fine. I know what it’s like.”

Tyler nods. “Can I ask what you’re in for?” 

This kind of talk would be taboo anywhere else but in the facility it’s kind of par from the course. He’s overheard lots of other patients asking each other the same question. Some are just curious, others treat it like some kind of competition. He wonders which camp Tyler falls in. “Bulimia and anorexia.” 

Tyler gives a terse smile and nods. “They call it ‘orthorexia’ but I call it bullshit.”

“What’s that?” Ryan asks as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“They said being obsessed with healthy eating is a problem. I don’t think it is. I think everyone’s making a big deal out of nothing. I’m just doing the two weeks so I can say I did it and shut everyone up.”

Ryan thinks that’s eerily similar to how he felt the first week or so he was here. “Everyone struggles with something.” He shrugs. “We’re all here cause we’re in the same boat.”

Tyler picks at his food, only eating the wilted spinach out of his omelette. “I guess.”

“They’re gonna get mad at you for that.” Ryan gestures to the tray. You’re not allowed to just pick and choose. You gotta eat everything.”

“Or what?”

Ryan sighs. “They make you drink a nasty shake or tube feed you.”

Tyler stabs the rubbery eggs with his fork. “I’d rather have either of those than this.”

Melanie comes over to check on the two of them. She reiterates the rules to Tyler and sits with them to make sure he eats the rest. Tyler is reluctant but with some encouragement from Ryan, he gives in. Ryan finishes his coffee and gets up to throw the cup away. After, he heads to his session with Dr. Michael alone since Melanie has to escort Tyler elsewhere.

* * *

“Since I know you’re excited to see him later today, why don’t you tell me some more about Brendon. You’ve been mentioning him a lot in our sessions lately.” The doctor shifts to sit up more in his armchair 

“What do you want to know?” Ryan asks with a shrug.

“How did you two meet?”

Ryan smiles as he thinks back on it. God, they were so much younger and more innocent then, he thinks. “Spencer and I started going to a public school in our junior year. His mom was putting us through school and couldn’t afford for us both to keep going to the private catholic school we were at so we transferred. Spencer got to know him first and introduced us later. I’ll be honest, at first I thought he was weird. He had more energy than anyone I’d ever met. He could talk your ear off for hours about literally anything. In a lot of ways he’s the complete opposite of me. I couldn’t really deny I was drawn to him. He has a real way of bringing you in.”

The doctor nods along as he listens. “When did you fall in love with him?”

Ryan’s cheeks flush pink as he smiles fondly. “Almost immediately.”

“Did you tell him?” The doctor asks.

Ryan shakes his head, smile falling a little. “No. I was really confused. Being gay was always regarded as the cardinal sin by my dad. I knew what I felt, I just couldn’t process it through that lense. If loving another man was wrong, then maybe there was something wrong with me too.”

“It can be tough to work through such bigotry. But you’re with him now, you must’ve gotten past at least some of it.”

Ryan shrugs. “I still struggle with it. I’m not ashamed of myself for the simple act of love, not anymore.I just have a crippling fear of the judgment of others. Brendon refuses to hide who he is. He’s just so damn confident about it that no one thinks to even challenge him. I wish I had even just a piece of that confidence.”

“You’ve mentioned before that that’s been a point of contention between you two.” 

Ryan nods. “I want to give him that, I really do. But part of me feels like some things just aren’t for public consumption. Maybe it makes me a little selfish but this is the only thing I’ve ever had that’s just for me.”

“I don’t see it as selfish.” Michael says softly. “You had a traumatic life. It makes sense that you want to hold on to the one scrap of love you get for yourself and just keep it safe, but for love to really flourish, sometimes you have to set it free.”

Ryan mulls it over in his mind. He knows the doctor is right. He shouldn’t force himself to live in fear simply because of the opinions of strangers. “I feel like I owe it to Brendon at this point. He’s stuck beside me though all of this, I want to give him that safely. That closure.”

The doctor nods. “Wanting to do this for him is admirable, but you need to do it for yourself too. It’s like letting out a deep breath. One more weight off your shoulders. No one is asking you to publicly describe every detail of your love life. It’s not wrong to tell the world that you love him.” He smiles. “How long have you two been together?”

Ryan shrugs. “A little over a year now. We’ve never really labelled it, I guess. We’re bad at discussions like that.”

“Why so?”

“I think we’re just two really passionate people who a lot of times we’re passionate about the opposite things so we clash.” Ryan sighs deeply.

“Disagreements are normal in any healthy relationship.”

“That’s the thing though. I don’t know if our relationship is healthy. Every relationship I’ve had before him has burnt out because I fall too fast and too hard. People get frustrated because I never share enough for their liking. Brendon always acted like he wanted to earn that part of me I never give to anyone, at least not fully. I think he saw it as a challenge. But I’m one of his only relationships. I don’t want him to feel like he’s settling for me because he doesn’t know what else is out there.”

The doctor nods. “It may help to seek counseling together once you're discharged. It couldn’t hurt. Or you two need to have a hard discussion and figure out exactly what you want.”

Ryan rubs his eyes tiredly. “I know. I’ve been putting it off for awhile. Before all this happened, he left me. He said he couldn’t watch me kill myself. I was really hurt. For a few days all I felt was anger and sadness. Then it kind of hit me that he was right. I was killing myself. I got this, like, rush of clarity and suddenly I wanted to fix it. I hadn’t eaten in days but I ordered a big takeout meal and scarfed the whole thing. I couldn’t keep it down. I didn’t force it or anything, it just came up. I panicked cause there was a lot of blood. I ended up in the hospital after that.”

“Why do you think you had that moment of ‘clarity’ as you described it?” He asks.

Ryan shrugs. “I don’t know. I can be kind of impulsive so maybe it was just some of that. But in that moment I was wholly convinced I could just fix it myself. I didn’t need anyone’s help.”

“But you realize that you do need help now, right?” The doctor questions. 

Ryan nods. “I’m getting there, yeah. Just, whatever Bren and I have right now, it’s somehow working and I’m just afraid if I lean too hard I’ll break it.”

“From what you say, he has people supporting him as well, soul I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Just do whatever you have to to make it through. I know you can do it.”

* * *

When Ryan’s told he has a visitor he fully expects it to be Brendon, maybe Spencer like they’d discussed on the phone. What he doesn't expect when he walks into the day room, is his mother. Ryan freezes in place. She gets up from the table and makes a show of hugging him before telling him to sit down.

Ryan’s mind is flooded with memories: the way she always picked on and demeaned him, the times she would touch his body and make fun of him for it, the hurtful insults, the way she abandoned him like garbage in the end. It all comes rushing back to him as he sits down across from her. He can't stop himself from shaking. He can’t bring himself to speak at first. He hopes the nurse will notice his discomfort and help get him out of here.

His mother narrows her eyes. “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” She snaps her fingers in Ryan’s face to get his attention.

Ryan, still in a state of shock, bats her hand away. “What the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?”

She rolls her eyes. “Google, honey. There’s only one eating disorder clinic in the state.” She reaches out and brushes her thumb over the tube taped to Ryan’s cheek. “You know if they keep feeding you through that thing it’s gonna make you fat.”

Ryan pulled away from her touch. Hasn’t he endured enough from her? Why does she keep coming back only to rob more pieces from him? He’s sure she has some kind of source. Someone somewhere is telling her his information. He needs to find out who. “Why are you here?” He repeats, trying to sound more firm.

She gives a dramatic sigh. “Can’t a mother visit her sick son in the hospital without an interrogation?”

“No. Not when you’re part of the reason I even ended up here. You’re not my family. You lost that right years ago.” Ryan starts to grow visibly more panicked.

“That’s not a very nice thing to say. I’m trying to extend the olive branch here, dear.” Her tone is sickly sweet and a crooked smile pulls at the corners of her mouth.

“I don’t want your stupid olive branch. The only thing I want is for you to turn around and walk out of my life, but this time you need to stay gone. I’m not letting you ruin my life anymore. So why don’t you go back to the sons you didn’t abandon with a child molester?” Years worth of his pent up anger are bubbling to the surface.

She rolls her eyes, clearly not believing a word he says. “Stop being so dramatic, dear. You’re not the victim here.”

Ryan hands clench into fists beneath the table. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not the victim? You tore me apart mentally for years when I was too young to even understand. You caused this fucking disorder that’s ruining my life. You walked out. You left me with that fucker. You didn’t give half a shit for the last decade. Why the fuck am I supposed to believe you give a shit now? So tell me, did the sugar daddy you left us for finally kick the bucket? Lemme guess. You gambled and drank the last of your money away but ‘oh look, this son I forgot about is now successful, better go leach off him instead!’” He stands up, shaking from both anxiety and rage. The supervising nurse starts to take notice. “You know what? I’m not going to let you fucking win. Not ever again. You don’t deserve to have those parts of me anymore. You aren’t worth it.” He’s practically yelling now, years worth of hurt and anger just bubbling to the surface and boiling over.

The nurse puts a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Hey, you need to calm down or you’ll lose your visiting time.”

* * *

The nurse at the front desk stops Brendon. “Oh hun, he already has a visitor. You’ll have to wait a moment.”

Brendon sets the bag of stuff he’d brought for Ryan on the counter. “He what? No one knows he’s here.”

The nurse squints at the name on the visitors log but it’s just a scribble. “It was a lady, said she was his mother.”

Brendon’s eyes widen. “Oh fuck no. You need to get her out of here right now. She’s the whole fucking reason he’s here in the first place. Nothing good ever comes out of her being around.”

The nurse picks up the phone and presses the button to call for one of the security workers. “I’ll take care of it.”

* * *

Ryan pulls away from him. “I don’t fucking want it anyway.” He turns and hurries out of the room before anyone can see the tears in his eyes. It’s the first time he’s ever stood up to his mother and he’s terrified of the repercussions. He runs past the lobby and back to his room.

Brendon sees him rush by but when he finally realizes it’s Ryan, the other is already behind a locked door. He feels his stomach knot up. He can already feel this isn’t going to be good. 

Ryan’s mother walks out of the day room like nothing even happened. She sees Brendon at the front desk and sneers at him as she heads out the front door.

A minute or two later, Melanie comes up to Brendon and tugs on his arm. “Hey. Will you come with me? I don’t know what happened but Ryan is kind of inconsolable and won’t let anyone touch him. I’m hoping you can calm him down.”

Brendon nods and hurries after her without hesitation. Ryan has himself in the corner of the room on the floor curled up and crying into his knees. His whole body seems to just shake from the effort. Brendon kneels beside him, not reaching out just yet even though he desperately wants to. “Ry.” He says softly. “It’s me, Brendon. It’s okay, she’s gone.”

Brendon is practically knocked back with the force as Ryan launches himself into Brendon’s arms. “That’s the only time I’ve ever stood up to her.” His voice is weak.

Brendon wraps his arms around him and holds him tight. “I’m so damn proud of you for it.” He tells him honestly.

“I’m tired of her having power over me.” Ryan hides his face in Brendon’s neck, trying to stop him from crying.

“She doesn’t have it.” Brendon assures. “She never had it and never will. You’re the one in control, Ry.”

Ryan shakes his head, he just can’t bring himself to believe Brendon’s words. “It would’ve been easier if she’d just killed me.”

Brendon rubs his back in small circles, just trying to soothe him. “But then I never would’ve met you and that would’ve been a real shame.” He sighs. “Cmon, let’s get out on the bed, my ass is falling asleep.”

Ryan gives a half laugh and slowly moves off him. He drags himself to his feet and the few steps over to it and drops down. “I feel wrung out.”

Brendon moves to lay down and pats the empty space beside him. Ryan settles into it easily. “I bet. I’m gonna talk to our lawyer and see what they can do to keep her away. Maybe they can file a restraining order. You shouldn’t have to keep dealing with this shit. Neglectful people don’t deserve second chances.”

Ryan lays his head on Brendon’s chest, the soft rhythm of his heartbeat easing his tension. “If I ever have to see her again it’ll be too soon.”

“You don’t have to worry about her anymore Ry. Family doesn’t have to be blood. Me, Spencer and Jon, we’re your family now.”

Ryan feels his heart clench at that. He knows it’s true. Those three guys have been more like family to him than anyone else. “I know.” He says softly. 

“And I’ll always be here if you want me or not.” Brendon says matter-of-factly. 

Ryan lets out a deep breath, finally starting to calm down. “I love you.”

Brendon cups his cheek and tilts his head up so their gaze meets. “I love you too.” He smiles and presses their lips together. 

Ryan blushes when they part. “I’m sorry she ruined your visit.”

Brendon loops his arms around Ryan’s waist and pulls him closer. “It’s okay, I like this better anyway.”

“Me too.” Ryan nods.

Ryan smiles a little more and tangles their legs together beneath the blankets. “I need you to find out who’s leaking my information for me.”

“Do you have any suspicions as to who?” Brendon questions.

Ryan shrugs. “She said she googled where I was but she’s probably lying. She’s good at sweet talking information out of people. The only people that know I’m here are you guys, the label and management.”

Brendon nods. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”

* * *

After a few days of small talk at meals, Tyler starts to open up a little more to Ryan. Tyler’s not sure why he feels he can trust the other man, he just does. He thinks if anyone can understand the struggle it’s someone caught up in the same trap.

“Oh, what kind of music do you like?” Ryan asks after he hears Tyler complain about a concert he’s missing cause he’s here instead.

Tyler shrugs. “I listen to literally anything and everything. Especially if it’s live. I live for shows.”

Ryan nods. “I loved shows up until the point I had to play them.

“You’re a musician?” Tyler raises an eyebrow. “That’s really cool.”

Ryan shrugs and takes a drink from his power coffee cup. “Trust me it’s not everything it’s cracked up to be.”

“It’s everything I wanted.” Tyler admits. “I was just never quite enough to make it.”

“Try and see it as a blessing.” Ryan encourages. “You’re nice. The music industry will take someone like you and chew you up and spit you out. Not to mention how insanely toxic people can be online. You cease to be a living breathing human with thought and feelings. You just another star to be taken down a few pegs.”

“Well anything sounds like shit when you describe it like that.” Tyler shrugs. “My family was super disappointed in me. I gave up a full ride basketball scholarship just to pursue music. I failed at both. I kinda spiralled into a bad depression. My friend talked me into coming here after that.” He sighs softly and picks at his food. “I’m probably more than a little crazy for still wanting it though.” He finally takes a bite of his pancake. “A music career, I mean.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret,” Ryan leans in a little closer. “I’ve yet to meet a musician who isn’t at least a little nuts. They don’t give up without a fight.”

Tyler smiles at the advice. “Maybe I’ll give it another shot if I ever get out of here.”

* * *

“You seem like you’re in a good mood today.” Brendon comments. “I haven’t heard you this chipper in a long time.”

“I found out that they’re scheduling my surgery at the end of next month. One step closer to getting out of this shit hole.” Ryan tells him. 

“That can’t be all you’re excited for?” Brendon teases.

Ryan smiles warmly. “And I’m excited to see you tomorrow. I really miss you.”

“I miss you too. I’m really really proud of you for making it this far. I know it’s been a struggle but I’m happy watching you get better. I know it’s only a few days between our visits but I feel like I see more and more of the Ryan I know every time.”

Ryan can’t keep the blush off his face as Brendon speaks. “Please don’t get all sappy on me. You know I’ll just cry.”

“See? I knew you were a softie this whole time. Can’t hide it from me.” Brendon laughs lightheartedly. “Is there anything you want me to bring tomorrow? Spence wants to go to the mall so I can pick up a few things for you while we’re there.”

“I’d kill for some new books to read. They don’t exactly have a good selection here. They’re beaten to hell, donated, romance novels.”

“Noted. I’m sure between Spence and I we can find something you’re bound to like. Anything else you can think of?” Brendon asks, writing the list down on the back of an empty envelope. 

“I could use a new notebook. The one I have is almost full. Maybe some magazines. Anything that’ll keep me busy in the downtime, really.”

“There’s one other thing I’m bringing but it’s a surprise so you’ll have to wait to find out.” Brendon giggles excitedly.

“What is it?” Ryan asks curiously.

“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it? Spence is ready so I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Ryan hums. “Bye.” He lets out a soft sigh when he hangs up. He can’t help but wonder what this mysterious surprise is. He’s not sure if he should be scared or excited. He smirks as an idea pops into his head. He can come up with a surprise of his own. He heads back to his room and grabs his notebook out of the desk drawer. He sits cross legged on the bed with the notebook perched in his lap. He turns to one of his remaining empty pages. He chews on the end of his pen as he thinks of what to write.

* * *

“I need to get the rest of the supplies for my project while we’re out.” Brendon tells Spencer. “Oh, and Ryan wants a few things but we can just stop at Barnes & Nobles for those. I think there’s one in the mall anyway.”

Spencer pulls the keys from his pocket and unlocks the car. “Well there’s a Michael’s on the way so let’s get that over with first, then the mall.”

Brendon climbs into the passenger seat. “Do you think he’ll like it?” He asks.

Spencer smiles. “If he doesn’t, I might just have to date you instead.” He laughs. “I think it’s adorable and romantic.”

When they get to the craft store, Brendon grabs a basket on the way in. He gets everything he thinks he might need, glue sticks, coloured paper, scissors that cut in weird patterns, and maybe a few more stickers than he can possibly use. He just wants to cover all the bases. He finds Spencer boredly petting the paint brushes, trying to find the softest one in the store.

Spencer raises an eyebrow as he looks down at the mostly full basket. “Are you really gonna use all of that?”

Brendon shrugs as they walk towards the checkout. “Maybe I’ll go into the crafting business. How much to you think fans will pay for scraps of paper that I breathed on?”

Spencer rolls his eyes. “I’ll get the eBay listing ready.”

At the mall, Spencer leaves Brendon in the book store while he goes off to shop for the other things he came here for. 

Brendon browses the shelves of journals first, figuring that was the best place to start. He can’t find anything that seems right until he spots one in a bottom corner. It’s a thick leather bound journal with an intricate tree design carved in the front. Brendon thinks it’s perfect and ads it to his basket. He manages to find a few books and magazines he hopes Ryan likes and buys them all. He texts Spencer to ask where he is as he wanders into the mall.

* * *

Brendon is actually on time for once in his life. He signs in at the front desk and shows what’s in the gift bag, but asks if he can give it to Ryan personally. They smile and agree and tell him to head back. He lets them take the rest of the stuff he’d brought back to his room for him.

He sees Ryan nervously waiting in the same back corner. He hurries over and wraps him up in a hug. “Hey, Ry.” Brendon smiles.

Ryan easily relaxes into the embrace. They end up settling next to each other on the couch. “So is that the surprise?” He asks as he points at the gift bag.

Brendon nods and hands it to him. “Go ahead. Open it.”

Ryan reaches into the bag and pulls out what feels like a book. When he peels off the tissue paper he can see a picture of the two of them on the front cover. He instantly blushes. He opens it the rest of the way and can see it’s a scrapbook. Brendon clearly went through a lot of effort getting all these photos printed and arranging them just so. He’s not sure if he’s ever received a gift this sweet. He turns to Brendon and kisses his cheek. “It’s wonderful. I love it.”

“It was partially Spencer’s idea. I just brought it to life.” Brendon brags just a little.

Ryan can’t help but smile as he flips through the memories. He stops on a picture of them on the beach. They both have their pants rolled up and they’re so close as they walk along the tide. “Where’d this one come from? I think that’s my favourite.”

“Spencer contributed that one and a few others.” Brendon shrugs. “It’s a really nice one though.”

Ryan leans into Brendon’s side. “This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten. Thank you.”

Brendon loops an arm around Ryan’s waist. “I’m glad you didn’t think it was too cheesy. I just wanted you to have something here to remind you of better times and hopefully some motivation to keep moving forward. I really am proud of you.”

Ryan shuts the book and holds it to his chest. “Thank you.” He smiles. “So other than arts and crafts, what have you been up to?”

Brendon shrugs. “Not much really. I’m still staying with Spencer. I don’t think he trusts me alone. We went bowling with Jon the other day. I promise I didn’t break any ceiling tiles this time.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “A true miracle. Such restraint.”

“I know, right?” Brendon giggles.

“I miss you guys a lot. It gets kind of lonely in here. Though I think I kind of made a friend?” Ryan glances up at Brendon. 

“Oh? What are they like?”

“He’s the only other dude in here. His name is Tyler. He’s pretty nice. He likes music but couldn’t get signed.” 

Brendon nods. “I’m glad you’ve got someone else to talk to at least.”

They trade stories of what they’ve both been up to until they’re told visiting hours are up. Ryan is reluctant to see him go but as he hugs him goodbye he slips a folded piece of paper into Brendon’s coat pocket. Now he’s glad he prepared his little surprise. He steals a few more kisses until Brendon is told he really does have to go. Ryan sighs as he watches him leave.

Brendon is on his way out of the building. He sticks his hands in his pockets to protect them from the cool breeze. That’s when he feels the piece of paper. He fishes it out as he texts Spencer to come pick him up. He sits down on the front steps and opens it. He instantly recognizes Ryan’s handwriting and smiles.

 **_Hide me like a heartbeat_ **  
**_Draw me like your breath_ **  
**_Tell me I’d be happy with you until my death_ ** ****

**_They say fixing me’s impossible, I’m just a broken toy._ **   
**_You took my missing pieces and moulded me, your golden boy._ **   
**_Build me, gild me, and keep me all to yourself_ **   
**_Even when I keep my heart upon the highest shelf._ **

**_Skeletons in my closet, a list of sins a mile long,_ **   
**_I never meant to write them down but I’d hoped you’d sing along._ **   
**_Haunted melodies, broken choruses, a mix of my insides are all there_ **   
**_But everyone tires of songs about how life’s not that fair._ **

**_But then, once in a lifetime, someone comes around._ **  
**_They dig and find what even you thought could not be found._ **  
**_It’s almost like there’s still a little life within you yet._ **  
**_The future’s a gamble, roll the dice and place your bets.  
_** **_We don’t know the destination, it seems so far down the road.  
_ ** **_And sometimes just to think about it, makes me feel like I’ll implode._ **

**_  
_****_Two hearts together, a spark that can ignite_ **  
**_There might be a war within me, but I know that I can fight._ **  
**_I want whatever comes at me, the punches and the blows._ **  
**_Hide myself between the lines of poems I compose._ **  
**_I know somehow you’ll understand, you’ll see_ **  
**_I give you this part, unlock my heart cause it’s you that has the key._ **

Brendon smiles so wide he feels like his face might split in two. He’s so distracted reading it over and over he doesn’t realize that Spencer’s waiting until he beeps the horn. He quickly folds paper back the way it was and sticks it in his wallet for safe keeping. Ryan may think he’s sappy, but in Brendon’s opinion, love poems are the sappiest. Maybe he’ll write it into a song, just to tease him a tiny bit. After all, what are boyfriends for?

* * *

Ryan goes back to his room after the visitation hours are over. There’s a bag of the other stuff Brendon brought him just sitting on his desk, but his only thoughts are on the scrapbook. He sits down at the desk and opens it again, now that he can focus on it properly. He smiles as he traces his fingers over the pages. They’re clearly hand crafted: none of the pictures are hung straight, scraps of cut paper stickers and Brendon’s handwriting cover any bare spots on the page. It doesn’t matter to Ryan, the fact that Brendon put it together with such love makes Ryan feel light. He smiles as he takes in the pictures. He’s never even seen some of them before. A lot of them are candid shots that were definitely taken on Brendon’s phone. Brendon seems to always capture just the right moment. 

He knows he loves Brendon, probably more than he’s loved anyone ever. That’s what scares him. He’s not used to any emotion that instese. It takes a lot to be heard over his mind’s sense of self hatred. Brendon gave up on him once though. What’s to stop him from doing it again? He’s scared that once he gets out of here, he still won’t be whole enough for Brendon. Sure, he says he loves him, but he said it back before he left for Sarah too. Ryan feels like his whole life is just spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. He wonders if Brendon really loves him, or if he just sticks around out of guilt and loyalty. He knows they need to actually have a hard conversation about it, but he’s scared to.

His mind drifts back to his time in the hospital. Brendon was loyal then too, never leaving his bedside. Again, was it truly loyalty or just his guilt kicking in? He vividly remembers the vision he’d had when he died. Brendon looked so warm and comfortable in the bed beside him. He remembers the ring on Brendon’s hand. Was that really their future? He can only hope, he guesses. But truthfully, he wants that more than anything. Maybe his shrink is right and he needs to make compromises, set their love free. He tells himself he’ll talk about it in their next session.

* * *

The next day, Brendon has another therapy session of his own. He’s not convinced that they’re helping but Spencer insists that he has to actually give it more than one try. He looks down at the small stack of magazines on the coffee table between him and the doctor.

“So,” the doctor smiles a little. “Is there anything specific you want to talk about today?”

“I’m so tired of feeling so damn guilty all the time.” Brendon admits with a sigh.

The doctor nods. “Well we can definitely try to work on that. What are you feeling guilty about in particular?”

Brendon shrugs, in honesty it’s too many things to even quantify. “I guess the biggest is that I left Ryan when he needed me most and I rebounded into another relationship too fast. It all ended with him in the hospital and almost dying.”

The doctor hits down a couple notes as they listen. “Alright, let’s pick this apart one piece at a time. Did leaving him feel like it was the right move at the time?”

Brendon thinks for a moment and just shrugs. “Everyone told me it was. I’m not so convinced. I was just so frustrated that he never seemed to open up to me. I loved a man who was mostly a mystery to me and that hurt. It felt like he didn’t trust me and I was tired of having to constantly work to chip away at his walls. And at the same time he was destroying himself with this disorder and was refusing help. I didn’t think I could stand there and just watch it all happen.”

“The first step to understanding our reactions is to forgive ourselves for having them in the first place. You did what felt right in the moment, that’s not a bad thing. There’s no way you could’ve predicted what would happen after.” He tells him. 

Brendon nods slightly. “He was already going downhill so I should have seen it coming but instead I just tried to hide what I felt by being with someone else. I needed a distraction, I guess.”

“Mental disorders are a difficult thing to fight. You can’t blame yourself for the actions Ryan took. Eating disorders especially tend to warp your view of yourself and the word.” 

“I watched him almost die.” Brendon says quietly. “And that’s just when it really hit me. My love for him never changed, even when I left. He was all I thought about. I wasn’t being fair to Sarah either, just stringing her along but I was too much of a coward to tell her. We were never that serious but it just felt like I was emotionally cheating on her. I couldn’t give her my heart when it belonged to someone else.”

“You and Ryan are together now, right?” He asks.

Brendon nods. “Yeah. He took me back thankfully.”

“I think it may help to discuss this guilt you’re carrying with him. It might help you to see that some of it can be let go. It won’t be an emotional anchor forever.”

Brendon looks down and picks at a hangnail on one of his fingers. “I don’t know how to bring it up to him without feeling like I’m making him worse. He’s already going through a lot in treatment.”

“Loving someone means you have to be willing to have some tough conversations. It’s not a bad thing.” The doctor offers. 

Brendon knows the doctor is right. That if he doesn’t find some way to get over this guilt of his, it’ll just hold him back forever. He doesn’t want that. He wants his and Ryan’s relationship to only get better going forward. Maybe this is just one of the first steps towards that. “I’ll talk to him when we have our next phone call.”

“Why do you think your default emotion when it comes to Ryan is guilt?” The doctor poses the question. 

Brendon has to think on that one. “I-I don’t know. I guess cause I’m always the type to try and take care of people. I just want to protect them and it hurts when things just don’t go right.”

“It can be hard when one fees like they’re not in control.” He gets up to go to his desk and flips through his file drawer until he finds what he’s looking for. He grabs a sheet from one of the folders and hands it to Brendon. “This is an exercise I like to use for these sorts of issues.” He hands Brendon a clipboard and a pen. “It’s called a Thought Record. I’ll help you run through a few of these and I’ll give you a blank copy to keep for your own.”

Brendon sighs as he clicks the pen and looks down at the paper. Now he’s really starting to understand why Ryan complains about therapy. “Okay.”

* * *

The therapist smiles when he finally brings up the subject of Brendon and his sexuality on his own. “Okay, we can talk about it. What specifically were you thinking about?”

Ryan sighs and folds his hands in his lap. “I guess the biggest thing is that I’ve been seriously considering letting him out us. I think I’m finally ready.”

The doctor raises an eyebrow. “That’s big, have you discussed this with him?”

Ryan shakes his head. “No, not yet. I was gonna bring it up when I called him tonight. I just… I kinda realized that I was denying him a public relationship because I was scared. At the end of the day is it worth being scared of the opinions of people I’ll never even meet? I can’t throw away the one good thing in my life because of that.”

“If you’re ready then I think it’s definitely a step in the right direction, both for your recovery and your relationship.” The doctor encourages. 

“I still can’t stop the little part of me that tells me that all this is wrong. My father would be rolling in his grave if he knew I loved another man.” Ryan moves to bite at his nails.

“It’s okay to feel it, but perhaps let love drown out that voice. Over time you might find that you just don’t hear it anymore because being true to yourself is more important.” 

Ryan smiles a bit. “You know, I’m starting to think that maybe you’re not totally full of shit.” He jokes.

The doctor laughs it off. “I’ll be sure to add that to my resumé.”

“Maybe I’m better off having Brendon tell people while I’m in here. That way I can’t obsess of it if there’s backlash.” Ryan shrugs.

The doctor nods. “I think that’s a healthy way to look at it. I really think this will be good for you.”

Ryan lets out a deep breath. “Then I’m gonna do it.”

* * *

Ryan would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t nervous for this conversation. His hand trembles as he dials the digits of Brendon's phone number from memory. He settles back in the chair and lets out a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It’s just Brendon, he tells himself, no need to get so worked up.

“Hey.” Brendon chirps as he picks up the line. “What’s up?”

“I-I wanted to talk to you.” He stammers.

“Of course. What’s going on?” His tone shifts to concern when he hears Ryan’s voice.

“It’s nothing bad I swear. Just...I want you to hear me out.” Ryan sighs.

“Go ahead. I’m listening, babe.”

Ryan lets his eyes slip closed as he tries to focus. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and like work in therapy and stuff. There’s always too much time to think when you’re in here alone. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about us in particular.”

“Oh god. You’re not breaking up with me are you?” Brendon asks worriedly.

“No, no. I promised you it was nothing bad. I’ve been trying to sort out my own feelings and why I don’t feel comfortable being open. It’s opened my eyes a lot and I realized that I shouldn’t let complete strangers have that power over me. Their opinions don’t change how I feel about you.”

Brendon bites his lip. “So what are you saying then?” 

Ryan lets out a deep breath before he speaks again. “I’m saying that I’m ready to give you what you wanted this whole time. I’m okay with telling people about us.”

Brendon’s face lights up and he sits upright on the couch. “You are?” He asks, his voice high pitched with glee.

Ryan smiles at his reaction. “I do have one condition though.”

“Anything.”

Ryan feels like an entire weight has just been lifted from him and he can finally breathe again. He’s glad he can give Brendon this and make him happy after all he’s put him through in the last month. “When you post it, I want you to use that beach photo. The one Spencer took and you put in the scrapbook. I think that’s my favourite.”

“Deal. Aaaaah! I’m so happy!” Ryan can practically hear Brendon bouncing in his seat. “Thank you. I love you so much.”

“I’m happy that you’re happy.” Ryan hums. “I love you too.”

“Is there anything you want me to say when I post it?” Brendon asks.

“No.” Ryan replies. “Say whatever you want. I owe you that much.”

“You don’t have to feel like you owe me anything, Ry. That’s not why I fell in love with you.” Brendon assures.

“Why did you fall in love with me then?” Ryan chuckles.

“Well, your words got my first after Spence showed me some of the stuff you were writing before the band really started. I’m a sucker for that kind of stuff. And then I got to know you and it was like falling for you all over again.” Brendon explains. 

“You should’ve done the smart thing and ran. You never had much of a sense of self preservation though, did you?” 

“I was so scared you’d never like me back so I sat on my hands. That’s why I was so damn nervous the first time you kissed me. I thought I was dreaming.” Brendon sheepishly admits.

Ryan smiles at the memory. “Still the best first kiss I’ve ever had.”

“You flatter me too much.”

Ryan sighs when someone taps him on the shoulder and asks to use the phone when he’s done. “I have to go Bren. Talk to you later?”

“Okay. I love you, again.”

Ryan hums. “Love you too. Bye.”

* * *

Brendon curls up in the blanket he’d taken from Ryan’s apartment. It no longer smells like him, but Brendon still keeps it around anyway. He smiles wide as he gets off the phone with Ryan. “He said I can tell people about us.” He tells Spencer excitedly.

Spencer raises and eyebrow. “Really? Wow.”

Brendon nods. “He said he’s been taking it over with his shrink lately and that he’s not really afraid of what people are going to say anymore.”

Spencer smiles gently. “That’s really big for him...for both of you. I’m really happy you guys finally worked it out.”

“I think I’m just gonna put it up on Twitter. Consequences be damned, I guess.” Brendon smiles as he starts writing the post. He’s so excited for this he can hardly contain it. He feels like he’s been waiting his whole life for just this moment. He makes sure to queue up the specific picture Ryan asked for.

“What should I even say?” Brendon asks. “I’m kinda drawing a blank.”

Spencer chuckles. “Just say whatever you feel like. Or just be stupid simple and post ‘it’s true’ really throw the kids for a loop.”

Brendon starts typing with a sudden burst of inspiration. “I’ve got a better idea.” 

Spencer just gives him a smile. “You crazy kids.” He teases. “What am I going to do with your two?”

Brendon takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Well, here goes nothing.”

Spencer holds up his crossed fingers. “I’m excited for you guys and I just hope it goes well.”

Brendon finally clicks to post it to his Twitter timeline. “It’s done.” He smiles wide as he looks down at the post.   
  
  


**_“There’s moments in life where you want to hold on so tight because you’re afraid they might just slip through your fingers if you’re not quick enough._ **

**_I’ll always remember that night. We ran from the venue to the ocean like we didn’t have a care in the world. It didn’t matter that it was a mile stretch and it was spitting rain. Your smile as you kicked off your shoes and rolled your pants up to the knee is etched into my memory._ **

**_The sun was setting as we ran into the spray. I don’t think either of us expected the ocean to be that fucking cold. Your laugh came easy as you slipped your hand in mine. With you by my side and with the waves crashing at our feet I felt invincible. Ry, I love you._ **

**_tl;dr it’s true ;)_**

**_PS thanks to Spence for the creeper shot. <3”_**

Almost immediately notifications flood his phone; he has to silence it just to make it stop. He hopes the reactions are good, but he doesn’t want to look just yet. He wants to savour the moment for a bit. Ryan trusts him enough to share their love with the world. That means absolutely everything to him, he doesn’t think he can even put it into words.

Spencer comes in and sets two shot glasses on the table and holds up a bottle of whiskey. “I’ve been saving it for a special occasion. Now’s as good a time as any.” He opens the bottle and pours a shot for each of them. “Congratulations, dude.”

Brendon smiles as he takes one of the glasses. “Thanks, man.” He clinks their glasses together in a cheers and downs it in one go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those leaving kudos, it’s very much appreciated! Thanks for making me smile!


	9. The Newgate Saga: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to finally look up, only until they’re not. Ryan needs to face his demons but he can’t bring himself to do it. He’s starting his second month at Newgate. By all accounts he should be getting better, but why isn’t he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter has taken a little longer. I needed to take some time to really flesh out an outline for these next few chapters and where I want them to go. Possibly even considering a part two in the near future. But yeah expect 3-4 more chapters then I’ll think about that part two. this is the biggest chapter yet though. Whoops.
> 
> tw for: psychotic/mental breaks, depictions of rape and abuse, and relapes.

The next morning Brendon wakes up to several missed calls from their management and PR team. His email inbox is being blown up too. He groans as he rolls out of bed and stretches. He at least needs a cup of coffee before dealing with all this. He listens to the voicemails as he waits for the coffee to brew.

_ “Hello Mr. Urie, I understand you announced your relationship with Mr. Ross yesterday and while we are happy for you, we would appreciate a heads up in  _ _ the future before any big announcements. Please call us back when you have a mo-“  _ the message cuts off prematurely with a beep.

Brendon sighs. He knows he probably should’ve told them, but can’t they understand he was just too excited to care about consequences? Isn’t it his job not to care about that? He pours himself a cup of coffee and adds in his usual cream and sugar before sitting down at Spencer’s kitchen table. He has a feeling he’s in for a long day. The situation isn’t looking any better when he checks his email. Seems he’s going to have a lot of people to answer to today. He sighs as he switches over to his Twitter feed instead. He wants to see what the response has been overnight.

He smiles as he reads some of the replies. Their fans really are very kind and sweet, sending lots of messages of congratulations. He takes screenshots of some of the messages that make him smile so he can show them to Ryan next visit. He knows Ryan is probably worrying himself sick about the public reaction, so the positive replies will hopefully put his mind at ease. He replies personally to a few of his favourite tweets. He smiles every time he sees the picture of Ryan and him pop up. It gives him just enough courage to face the backlash from management.

Spencer trudges into the kitchen, half awake. He rubs at his face as he fumbles in the cabinet for a mug. He yawns as he fixes himself a cup of coffee. “They wake you up with calls too?” He asks. “I silenced my phone. Whoops.” He rolls his eyes.

Brendon nods. “I didn’t answer either, but the voicemails seemed increasingly upset. Probably should’ve let them know what I was gonna do first but oh well.” He shrugs his shoulders and glances back down at his phone. “Consequences aren’t very rock and roll.”

“They’ll get over it.” Spencer yawns and sits across from him. “Just maybe don’t let Ryan know that management is mad about it. He tends to just internalize that kind of stuff.”

Brendon sets his phone down on the table. “I wasn’t planning on telling him anything negative. He has enough to deal with between his recovery and all the bullshit that went down with Henry. He doesn’t need this piled on top. I’ve been trying so hard to keep things positive.”

Spencer nods his head. “They could’ve at least waited till noon to bomb my phone with calls though. They manage rockstars for a living. They should know that none of us want to be caught dead being awake this early.”

Brendon takes a sip of his coffee. “That’s why I’m not calling them back till after I finish my drink.”

“I was reading some of the responses before I went to bed last night.” Spencer sips at his coffee. “At least most people just seem really excited for you guys.”

Brendon smiles. “They can’t be anymore excited than I am.” 

“I’m just glad you two finally worked your shit out. If I had to watch you two pine for each other anymore I was just gonna lock you both in a room together and hope y’all didn’t kill each other.” Spencer chuckles.

“I’m not sure that it’s 100% yet, but we’re getting there.” Brendon shrugs. “It’s just hard when I have to miss him every day.”

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that shit.” Spencer gets up to make himself a bowl of cereal. “At least that’s what they all say.” He shrugs. “You want some Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch?”

Brendon smiles. “Cinnamon toast crunch. The superior cereal.” He gets up to grab a bowl.

* * *

Ryan genuinely has a smile on his face when he settles at his usual table with his cup of coffee. He’s still thinking of Brendon’s excitement when he told him they could announce their relationship. He feels just a touch bittersweet that he couldn’t be there with him for it. He won’t admit it to anyone but he slept with the scrapbook Brendon had made him clutched to his chest. He’s still riding off that high. He’s not used to feeling so loved. 

Tyler sits down with his exchange card and starts to fill it out. He’s been here for a week and a half now so filling out the cards doesn’t phase him anymore. “Someone’s in a good mood this morning. Did hell freeze over?”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “What? A guy can’t be happy for once? I like to mix things up once in a while. Keeps everyone on their toes.”

“Your reputation of being miserable all the time precedes you.” Tyler shrugs as he hands over his card. 

“I kind of conquered one of my biggest fears last night so I’m kind of proud of myself.” Ryan admits, cheeks flushing a light shade of pink. 

“Oh?” Tyler leans back in his chair and raises an eyebrow. “Don’t tell me...you’re afraid of the dark.” He teases. “No? Wait, you finally stopped worrying that the circus clowns are after you?”

“Who needs circus clowns with you around?” Ryan rolls his eyes. “No. It’s way bigger than that.”

Tyler giggles. “That’s what she said.”

Ryan just sighs and kicks him under the table. “I told my boyfriend he could go public with our relationship.”

Tyler smiles. “Congratulations, man. That’s awesome news! How’d it go?”

Ryan shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ll have to find out when I call Brendon tonight. Brendon was really excited about it. So it was nice to give him that.”

Tyler sits up a bit more when his tray is set in front of him. “I’ve got some good news too.” He smiles.

“Oh? What?” Ryan asks before taking a sip of his coffee. 

“Talked to a friend of mine last night and the said they gonna save a spot in their band for me when I get out of here.” 

“That’s awesome.” Ryan encourages. “I guess that’s as good of motivation as any to get the hell out of here.”

“Do you miss playing music?” Tyler asks. “I mean you’ve been in here a whole lot longer than me.”

Ryan nods. “I mean I could live without playing live but I miss my guitar. The one in music therapy drives me nuts. The strings are so dead and it won’t tune. I’ve been bugging Gerard to bring in a set of strings and I’ll change them myself but he hasn’t done it yet.”

Tyler laughs. “You should see if they’ll let your boyfriend bring in one of yours.”

Ryan’s eyes widen a bit, he hasn’t thought of that. “That’s actually a great idea.” He smiles. “Now eat your eggs before they come over and give you shit. Do you really want that meal shake again?”

Tyler shudders, remembering the gross chalky taste. He picks up his fork and starts to eat. “So what bullshit do you think Gerard has planned for Art Therapy today?”

Ryan can’t help but roll his eyes. “I don’t know but if I have to make one more collage I’m gonna actually lose it.”

“My plan was to just cover a piece of paper in glued on googly eyes and tell him that it represents  _ “my desire to look within” _ or something equally as pretentious.”

Ryan manages a smile. “I’ll give you five bucks if you can make that happen.”

Tyler grins in return. “Deal.”

* * *

Tyler sits next to Ryan in Art Therapy as Gerard explains the prompt of the day. Ryan makes a show of yawning. He doesn’t really want to make another art project centred around his problems. He’s already in here to deal with them, and after all isn’t that what actual therapy is for? He still doesn’t understand how pasting things together is supposed to make him feel any different. It just makes him want to take a nap instead. He wonders if one of these days Gerard is just going to regress to having them make paste and macaroni art like true preschoolers.

“So what I want you guys to do is try and think about your future.” Gerard tells them all with a smile. “It doesn’t have to be big grand plans. It can be just what you want to accomplish next week, or maybe next month. Look inside yourself. Try to figure out what you truly want.”

Tyler starts rustling through the craft supplies until he finds a pack of googly eyes and a bottle of glue. He smirks and winks at Ryan as he sets to work.

Ryan glances over and tries hard to hold back a giggle. He can’t believe that Tyler’s actually doing it. He can’t wait to see Gerard’s reaction. He turns his attention back to his own work. He doesn’t make a collage, just scrawls his future goals on the piece of construction paper in colored pencils. He sighs deeply. It’s not like he’s ever going to achieve any of them anyway. His chances of winning a Grammy are less than him getting struck by lightning but he adds it anyway. Right underneath meeting all of the Beatles (dead ones included.)

Gerard comes over to check out their work and is mildly horrified at Tyler’s paste and googly eye monstrosity. “Oh… that’s certainly, uh…interesting.”

Tyler smiles. “Well you told me to look inward. Didn’t you? I just took it literally.”

Gerard has a slightly pained expression on his face as he shrugs. “That’s one way to interpret it, I guess.” He’s quick to scurry away from their table.

Ryan covers his mouth with his hand to stifle his laugh. “That was even better than I could’ve hoped.” He whispers to Tyler.

“I think I made him reconsider his life choices.” Tyler giggles as he covers the last bare spot of paper in the middle with the biggest googly eye in the pack.

Ryan smiles and shakes his head. “You should give it to him. Truly a masterpiece.”

“When I’m famous you’ll see it in a museum some day.” Tyler sets the paper aside so it can dry. He can’t kept the stupid grin off his face as some of the other patients take notice of what he made and also start laughing. 

“Make sure you sign it then.”

* * *

Over the next few days, Ryan is starting weird. He can’t shake the feeling like he’s being watched even if he knows he’s alone. He’s constantly looking over his shoulder, just to be sure. He can’t sleep. He doesn’t want to eat even though he knows he has to. He knows he’s disappointing so many people if he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to let Brendon down again. He startles out of his thoughts when Melanie knocks and comes into the room.

“Good morning, Ryan.” She smiles as she hands him his meds.

Ryan looks down at the little cup and wonders for a moment if maybe it’s the stupid pills that are making him feel this way. When the nurse turns to mix the food for his tube he pretends to take the medication but hides the pills, tucking them into his pillowcase instead. He lets out a sigh of relief when she seems none the wiser. He decides that this is going to be his plan. He’ll pretend to take the pills and then flush them as soon as he’s alone. He just hopes it’ll make these awful, paranoid thought patterns stop. He’s not hurting anyone if he just keeps this to himself, right?

When she leaves after feeding him, he tosses the pills into the toilet and watches them swirl down into the pipes. Better down there instead of clogging up his mind, he thinks. He almost feels lighter just from this. Pills are never going to fix his problems for him anyway. He doesn’t need it as a stupid crutch, he thinks. With a smirk on his face he heads down to the cafeteria for breakfast. 

He’s also changing his routine in hopes it’ll help with the weird rush of emotions he keeps feeling. One of those changes is now at meal times, he only sits with his back to the wall. He doesn’t like the feeling of being exposed or that someone can just sneak up on him. So he decides this is the easiest way to avoid it.

Tyler starts to take notice when he sees Ryan jump multiple times whenever someone passes their table. He’s also been staring at his cup of coffee more than actually drinking it. He also thinks that maybe just a little bit of that light has dulled in Ryan’s eyes. He’s not sure if something is wrong or not, but usually in situations like this, Tyler likes to trust his instincts. Tyler glances up at Ryan. “You alright dude? Why are you so skittish today?” He asks out of concern for his friend.

“Didn’t sleep well last night.” It isn’t a total lie, but Ryan just wants to play it off like nothing’s happening. He never likes it when people try to pry at him. It only makes him instinctively close up more. 

Tyler plucks the crust off his sandwich, dropping it onto his tray. It’s an old habit from when someone told him that the crust is the most unhealthy part of the bread as a kid. He’s had it as an internalized motion ever since. He knows he’ll still have to eat the crust but his logic is to save the worst bit for last. “Are you sure that’s it? I mean you’ve been kinda pulling back the last few days. I never see you in the common room anymore. You’ve gotten kind of quiet too. I’m worried.”

“Don’t worry about me.” Ryan insists. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind. The label is pressuring my band to go out on the road without me.” Again, not a total lie, but not the truth either.

Tyler doesn’t buy the excuse but decides to stop pushing for now. He’s debating if he should tell Ryan’s nurse or not. He doesn’t want Ryan to be angry with him if he does though. “Are they gonna do it?” He asks.

Ryan shakes his head. “No. They all told me they’d refuse.” He looks down, scratching at a spot on the table with his fingernail, trying to get a piece of stuck-on gunk off. He needs to occupy his hands with something. He feels like he has all this pent up nervous energy with nowhere for it to go.

After a long moment of silence, Tyler decides to try his luck. “Are you sure you’re alright? Cause you definitely aren’t acting like yourself.”

Ryan sighs audibly. “Stop worrying. I’m fine. Just tired and stressed. That’s all.”

“But then why are you nearly jumping out of your seat whenever anyone walks by?” 

Ryan looks up at him and narrows his gaze. “Stop asking. I’m fine.”

Tyler relents with a sigh. “If you’re sure, man.”

* * *

Despite his lying, Ryan isn’t fine. Within a week, old habits start creeping up on him. He's still sneaking his meds and flushing them. He’s shutting everyone out in order to protect himself. Tyler keeps trying to talk to him but Ryan can barely manage more than one or two word responses. Ryan doesn’t know what’s triggering this in him. It’s only happened a few times in his life so he hasn’t come up with reliable ways to deal with it. It’s like his world is shrinking with each passing day. There’s blips of time he misses. He just zones out completely and everything fades around him. 

He’s half convinced he’s actually losing his mind. He stays in his room as much as possible in an attempt to control whatever’s happening to him. He doesn’t quite understand what’s going on. He’s hearing people he knows aren’t there. He knows that when he hears the voice of his father telling him something he can’t quite interpret. He takes to writing things down in his journal to try to make sense of it all, but his writings are as jumbled as his mind. He jumps and shoves the notebook under his pillow when there’s a knock at the door and Melanie comes in. 

“Ryan, you’re going to be late for group.” She tells him gently.

“I don’t want to go.” He grumbles.

“I know but you have to.” She sighs. “I put on a fresh pot of coffee in the group room so at least there’s that.”

She moves to nudge him but stops when Ryan recoils. “Just relax. Group isn’t that bad.”

Ryan shakes his head and presses his back up against the wall. “I just don’t wanna be around people.”

“While I can sympathize, this is part of your recovery program, Ryan. You need to go. After that your schedule is empty the rest of the day.”

After a long moment, Ryan reluctantly gets out of bed. He ignores the weird look she gives him as she walks with him down to the group room. She opens the door for him and lets him inside. Everyone has already sat down so now all eyes are on him for showing up late. Ryan wants to just turn and run but his feet work on auto pilot as he takes the single empty chair. He lets out a shaky sigh. He’s here. That doesn’t mean he has to participate.

Gerard asks him if he wants to share. Ryan is so zoned out that he hadn’t even paid attention to the topic so he just quickly shakes his head. He looks down when he sees the disappointed look on Gerard’s face. The paranoid part of him just keeps repeating that Gerard is going to tell Dr. Michael. He’s going to be bad and send him to an even more strict facility. It’ll probably be too far away and Brendon won’t even be able to visit. Soon the phone calls will be less and less frequent and Brendon will forget about him and just move on again. 

He’s only jolted out of the spiral when Tyler puts a hand on his shoulder. “Earth to Ryan. You wanna out your chair away and play cards?”

Ryan blinks, trying to make both his eyes and his brain focus. He silently shakes his head.

“You alright? You still seem super out of it.” Tyler frowns and puts Ryan’s chair away for him when he stands. 

Ryan just nods and leaves to go back to his room. He needs to seal himself away somewhere where things make sense. He can’t sort his mind out with all this background noise. 

Tyler shoots him a worried glance as he watches Ryan leave. He decides it’s finally time for him to take some action. He leaves the group room after helping to tidy up, in search of Melanie. He has to tell her his concerns. He’s just not sure if maybe he’s reading too much into things, after all he’s only known Ryan for a few weeks. He’s lost enough people in his life because he didn’t step in when he could’ve made a difference. On the way to the nurses station he wrestles with the decision of telling Melanie or not. He goes back and forth in his mind probably a half a dozen times. In the end, he gives in and does the responsible thing. He tells the nurse that he’s worried for Ryan’s safety. The guilt still doesn’t leave him even after the fact. He’s now worried that Ryan will know it was him that told the nurse and that their short lived friendship will be over. He swallows hard as he walks past Ryan’s room on the way to his own. 

* * *

Ryan only manages to fall asleep that night for what feels like a few blissful minutes before he chokes out a scream, sitting bolt upright. He reaches up and realizes the hands that were around his throat aren’t real but he still can’t breathe. His kind only vaguely registers that he’s panicking. His breaths come out as pained sobs and he curls himself into a ball.

Dallon hears the noise from down the hall and checks the camera screen to see which room it’s coming from. He’s not surprised at all that it’s Ryan’s. He’d read the note Melanie had left in Ryan’s file and knows this can’t be good. He hurries to his room and knocks twice before coming in. “Ryan,” he flips on the light. “What happened?”

Ryan feels like the hold around his throat is only intensifying. He can’t get words out even if he tries. He’s paralyzed with fear and can’t bring himself to move. He feels like the lines between his dream and reality are blurred. He can’t tell them apart anymore. That is until Dallon touches him. He jerks away like he’s been burned. 

Dallon frowns. He’s not seen Ryan in quite this bad of state before and he’s a little bit nervous of what to do. “Ryan.” He says firmly. “I’m not gonna touch you again. I promise. But we need to get you calmed down. Just listen to me, alright.” He tentatively sits on the edge of the bed. “Can you take a deep breath for me?”

Ryan shakes his head and points at his throat, miming a choking motion.

Dallon nods. “You’re having a panic attack. You’re not choking. Try to take any breath at all and work your way up to a deeper one.” He suggests.

Ryan tries but just ends up coughing. He scoots further away from Dallon. He doesn’t need anymore hands on him. He feels so dirty, disgusting.

Dallon can see that trying to get Ryan to do breathing exercises isn’t helping at all. “Do you want some medicine to bring you out of this?” He asks.

Ryan swallows hard. He doesn’t want the medication in his body anymore. He’s convinced that’s what’s fucking him up and making him feel this way. But at the same time if this doesn’t stop soon he feels as if he’ll truly lose his tenuous hold on sanity. Slowly, he nods his head.

“I’ll be right back.” Dallon leaves to grab a pre-loaded syringe of sedative from a locked cabinet. He puts on a pair of gloves as he walks back to the room. He steps closer slowly. “Can you pull your sleeve up for me Ryan? I promise I’ll be quick.” Dallon says in the most gentle tone he can muster.

Ryan lifts a shaky hand to tug the sleeve of his t-shirt up. He winces at the feeling of the cold alcohol pad touching his skin. He braces himself for it as Dallon puts a hand on his arm to steady him. 

“Just a little pinch.” Dallon tells him as he uses the needle to administer the meds. He holds a cotton ball to the site for a moment until he can be sure it isn’t bleeding. Then he pulls away to wait for the drugs to kick in.

Ryan feels the hold on his throat loosen but now his mind just feels slow and thick, like flowing molasses. His thoughts slowing to a crawl. He puts a hand up in front of his face but doesn’t recognize it as his own. The tension in his body starts to ease and he half registers Dallon telling him to lay down. He curls up on his side and finally lets out a deep breath. He hates the feeling of going under but right now it just feels even more intense than usual. After a few more minutes of fighting the drugs, Ryan’s exhaustion wins out. 

Dallon frowns as he pulls the blankets over Ryan and turns off the light. He’s been through a few of the nightmares with Ryan now but he’s never seen him go completely non verbal from it until now. He heads back to his post and makes sure to add the encounter with Ryan to his file. He finds himself checking even more frequently to make sure Ryan stays asleep. Thankfully, he does.

* * *

The morning after his nightmare, Ryan is reluctant to wake up. He’s had a few hours of thankfully dreamless sleep and ruining that to have to get fed just seems like a shitty idea. After a bunch of prodding from Melanie he finally sits up so she can feed him. He bats her hand away when she grabs for his tube. “No.” He mumbles. 

She frowns and sighs. “There’s no use fighting me on this, Ryan. You know that. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. And I don’t want to have to resort to that.”

“Too much paperwork otherwise?” Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Well that, and no one likes restraining patients against their will. I know you didn’t want that either, so come on. Let me have your tube.”

Ryan sighs and lets his hand drop. He doesn’t have the energy to fight her. He’s still groggy from the sedative Dallon gave him.

She’s quick as she can be with the feeding. “You can skip going to breakfast this morning. Dr. Michael wants to see you right away.”

“About what?” Ryan rubs at his tired eyes as he drags himself to his dresser for clean clothes. 

“We’re required to report any changes in our patients to their doctor. He asked to bump your appointment up to today instead.” She turns and covers her eyes so he can get dressed privately. 

Ryan is slow to get dressed and make his way down to the doctor’s office. He’s ushered in and sits down across from the doctor. It’s the last place he wants to be. He’s tired of being psychoanalyzed and picked apart. He definitely doesn’t want to deal with it after the night he’s just had.

“I’ve been getting some worrying reports from your nurses, Ryan.” The doctor says and he flips through them. “They say you’ve been distant and withdrawn, overly anxious and that your nightmares have been a more consistent problem.” He sets the folder down on the table.

Ryan just looks down and shakes his head. “I’m fine.” 

“I can tell just by looking at you that isn’t the truth. You owe it to yourself to be honest so we can help you through this little rough patch.” The doctor says gently.

“I told you I’m fine.” Ryan crosses his arms. The doctor has enough of his secrets. He doesn’t need any more of them. 

“Ryan. I can tell you’re just putting on a brave face. You’re safe to tell me what’s going on with you. I want to help.” 

“There’s not enough glue in the universe to fix how broken I am so just stop trying.” Ryan brings his knees up to his chest.

The doctor tries for another half an hour to pry answers out of Ryan but by the end of the session it’s more than clear they’re getting nowhere. He lets Ryan go but makes sure to add an alert to his file in the computer to have his nurse check in with him at a higher frequency. There is not much else he can do with Ryan if he’s just in complete denial of what’s happening.

* * *

Brendon answers the phone when it rings, but right away he can tell something is wrong. It’s all in the tone of Ryan’s voice as he greets him. “How’s it going?” He asks.

Ryan rests his head on his free hand and sighs. “I’m alright I guess. Just tired.”

“You’ve been having trouble sleeping?” Brendon asks with concern. 

“Kinda.” Ryan offers simply. He’s barely into the conversation and he already feels like it’s drained everything out of him. He jumps and almost drops the phone when he hears footsteps pass by the door.

“Have the nurses offered you any medicine to help? Last time I talked to them they said they could do that.” 

Ryan lays his head down on the table. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound fine.” Brendon counters. “Talk to me Ry. Tell me what’s going on. No one’s hurting you again are they?” 

Ryan lets out a deep breath, taking a long time to answer as he waits for the person he can hear on the hallway to leave. “No. Nothing like that.”

“I can hear it in your voice that something's off. Please tell me, Ry.” Brendon pleads. Spencer shoots him a glance from the kitchen, half overhearing the conversation. Brendon just mouths that he’ll tell him later.n

“You’re overreacting.” Ryan lies, just to try and stop Brendon from fussing on him. “I’m fine.”

“Ry…” Brendon isn’t buying the excuses and he’s too stubborn to back down. “You haven’t sounded like this since before you went into the hospital for your heart issue. It’s scaring me. Please tell me what’s wrong so I can help fix it.”

Ryan’s starting to get irritated. He digs his fingers into his scalp. “Why does everyone insist they can ‘fix’ me?” He grumbles. “Maybe I don’t want to be fixed.”

That sets off alarm bells in Brendon. “Don’t talk like that. You’ve been doing so well and making such good progress. We’re all so proud of you. We’re not trying to fix you as a person, just some bad habits.” He tries to explain. “Please tell me what’s on your mind.”

Ryan groans. He can feel a headache start to pound behind his eyes. “Trust me. You don’t want to know.”

“There’s nothing you could say that would scare me away.” Brendon promises. “Please tell me. I need to know that you’re okay.”

“I’m not going to tell you about the bullshit I’m going through just so you can soothe your own ego. It’s not about you. It has nothing to do with you. You’re not my shrink, so knock it off.” His tone comes out a little angrier than intended.

Brendon goes quiet for a moment. “I’m not asking for my own benefit, Ryan. I’m asking because I love and care about you.” He replies.

Ryan lets out a shaky breath and rests his forehead on the cool table. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m just stressed.”

“I’m sorry for pushing.” Brendon frowns a bit. “I’m sure none of this is easy on you. At least we have our visit coming up on Monday. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“A one way ticket out of here would be nice.” Ryan sighs. 

“Fresh out of those.” Brendon gives a huff of laugher, trying to lighten the mood, even if it is just slightly. “Any other requests?”

Ryan slowly sits up, rubbing at his temple. “A kind of weird one.”

“What?” Brendon asks.

“C-can I…” he trails off and swallows hard. “Can I steal a bottle of your cologne. I miss your smell.”

Brendon can’t help but crack a smile at that. “Of course. Do you need anything else? I can stop by your apartment if you want something from there.”

“Can you ask if they’ll let you bring my acoustic? The one here is trashed.” Ryan feels like the cloud that’s been over him for days starts to lift just a little. 

“Can do.” Brendon replies. “Which one do you want me to bring?”

Ryan thinks for a moment. “The black one on the wall by my keyboard. There’s a case for it in the hall closet I think.”

Brendon writes it down on a pad of sticky notes he keeps around for just this purpose. “I’ll make sure to put some fresh strings on it for you.”

“Thanks.” Ryan replies. After a few more minutes and half a dozen ‘I love you’s’ from Brendon’s end, they hang up. Ryan feels guilty for yelling at Brendon the way he did. Brendon is the only bright spot on his life besides music. Why does his mind work so hard to self sabotage? All he can think is that Brendon deserves so much better.

* * *

Brendon is nervous when Monday comes. He’s been worrying all weekend about Ryan. He didn’t call yesterday and it scared him. Ryan hasn’t missed a phone call the entire time until then. He had to call the front desk just to check that Ryan was alright. They said he was taking a nap after a long therapy session, so Brendon just let it go. He waves goodbye to Spencer and walks into the building. He does his usual routine of signing in and leaving his gifts with the front desk. He gently sets the guitar down and asks them to be careful with it. They give him clearance to head back to the common room.

If Brendon was sure something was wrong over their last phone call, then seeing Ryan in the flesh only confirms it. His eyes are dark and sunken in. He’s curled up on the couch and doesn’t jump up to greet Brendon when he sees him. He just overall seems sad. Brendon settles beside him. “Hey babe.” He smiles. “I missed you.” 

Ryan finally looks up at him as if he’s suddenly pulled out of deep thought. He forces a smile. “Hey.” He says softly as he curls up on the couch with his knees to his chest. 

Brendon tried his hardest to keep the worry off his face. He doesn’t want Ryan getting upset at him again. “I brought your guitar. They said it was okay. I couldn’t find your picks, tuner or capo so I just threw mine in the case for you.”

Slowly, Ryan leans against him. He flinches a bit when Brendon naturally wraps an arm around him. He doesn’t pull away though. “Thanks.” He murmurs.

“Are you alright?” Brendon asks. “Still not sleeping?” 

Ryan shrugs. “Just groggy from the sedative they gave me.” He lies. All his brain has done for the past week is flip flop between the speed of light and slow motion. It should scare him but he’s already becoming numb to it. 

Brendon rubs Ryan’s side. He notices the other doesn’t seem like he lost weight or anything like that so at least he’s eating. Brendon takes a little solace in that. He just wishes that after all these years he was better at getting a read on Ryan. Even though he knows when Ryan gets like this he seals up tight. “Other than groggy, how have you been?” He prompts.

Ryan looks down and shrugs. “Same old, same old.”

Brendon can’t help the gut feeling he has a gut that something is doomed to go wrong with Ryan. The rest of the visit he barely gets single sentence answers out of Ryan. Even that takes prodding. It’s like Ryan is in another world and Brendon has to keep bringing him back to get responses out of him. He’s never seen Ryan like this and he’s scared. He flags it with Ryan’s nurse, worried that maybe he’s having side effects from his medication or something worse is going on. He frowns when she says he’s already under more careful observation. He’s hesitant to take her for her word. After all, they let Ryan get injured last time he put his trust in them. 

Spencer notices Brendon’s expression when he drives up to the building to get him. “What’s wrong?” He asks.

Brendon looks down and shakes his head. “I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt over the phone but I think something is really going on with him, Spence.”

Spencer frowns as he starts driving them back to his place. “What do you mean?”

“Like you know how I said on the phone he was kind of avoidant and dismissive?”

Spencer reaches to turn off the radio so he can better pay attention. “Yeah.”

“Well today it seemed even worse. It’s like he was drugged. He was jumpy when I touched him. He was really slow to speak. I couldn’t really get anything out of him. He just kept saying he was fine.” Brendon runs a hand through his hair and sighs. 

“Maybe they changed his meds around or something?” Spencer suggests.

“No. I asked the nurse about it. I thought maybe they’re giving him too much of something but she said nothing has changed at all. They did say that they’ve noticed the behaviour shift too and have been keeping an eye on him but Ry hasn’t been too cooperative with anyone.” 

Spencer nods. “I really hope he’s okay. Ryan doesn’t deserve so many set backs.”

Brendon shrugs. “I just have a bad feeling that everything is about to go south. Last time I saw him this moody was after I broke up with him.”

“All we can do is support him and be there to catch him if he falls, I guess. I don’t know what else we could even do.”

Brendon leans against the door and stares blankly out the window at the passing cars. “I don’t know what to do either. That’s what scares me.”

* * *

That night Ryan puts up a fight and completely refuses his dinner. His mind is too fast, the negative voice too loud. Melanie isn’t happy with him but after the better part of an hour holed up in his room trying to convince him to eat, she gives up.

Tyler waits for him in the cafeteria but he never comes. All anyone is whispering about is how Ryan stopped eating. He even overhears two of the nurses talk about it, so it must be true. He frowns as he picks at his food alone in the corner. He feels like he needs to do something. He’s not sure what but he figures he’d be a bad friend if he didn’t at least try. As he starts to eat his food he tries to mull over the right things to say in his mind. He has free time after this. He knows Ryan does too. He’ll go to his room and try to talk some sense into him.

After dinner he walks back to the men’s ward. He hesitates outside Ryan’s door for just a second. He lets out a deep breath and knocks.

“Come in.” Ryan’s strained voice answers.

“Hey.” Tyler gives a nervous wave. “I didn’t see you at group or dinner so I thought I’d come see if you were all right.” 

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Did she put you up to this? Did she tell you to come talk to me?” His tone sounds paranoid and accusatory.

Tyler shakes his head. “No! No. I came on my own free will, I swear. I was just worried about you.”

Ryan instinctively closes his hand over the need of his feeding tube. He’s got a paranoid train of thought that says Tyler is hiding a syringe and planning to feed him against his will. “Well stop worrying and go.” 

The move doesn’t go unnoticed by Tyler. “Too bad. I’m worried. You’ve been acting so weird the last couple days. I’m not going to just walk out on you. That would make me a bad friend.”

“Who said we were friends?” Ryan mutters.

That one hurts Tyler but he tries to tell himself that Ryan doesn’t really mean it, there’s just something else going on in his head right now and he’s trying to push Tyler away. It’s an all too painful reminder of what Josh did to him a few months back. He quickly shakes that thought. “Ryan, don’t talk like that. I’m sure whatever you’re going through really sucks but it’s no excuse to be mean.”

“Oh did I hurt your feelings?” Ryan has no idea why he’s mocking Tyler. It’s like his mind is moving faster than he can control and he’s completely lost his filter. “Why don’t you go to your own room to cry about it instead of bothering me.”

Tyler just takes a deep breath and breath and tells himself to let the insults go. “Why are you not eating?” He asks.

Ryan glances around the room, convinced Tyler has been listening to him secretly or something. “Who the hell told you?”

“Everyone within a city block could hear your screaming match with Melanie. You didn’t answer the question.”

Ryan throws his hands up. “I just want my control back, okay? Jesus, fuck. You’re worse than Dr. Michael.”

Tyler looks up at his friend, eyes full of concern. “You need to tell them you’re feeling this way. Do you really want to lose your progress?”

“The only thing I really want is to die.” Ryan grumbles.

“You don’t mean that.” Tyler frowns. “You’ve got a lot of life left to live. You’ve told me as much yourself. I mean just a few days ago you were all excited for your future with Brendon, now what gives?”

“Optimism is for suckers.” Ryan zips up his hoodie to hide his body, feeling suddenly self conscious.

“You need to quit lying to yourself, Ryan. You’re never going to get better this way.”

“I’m never going to get better in any way. I’m fucking crazy. Best you realize it and just get lost.” He lays down and just pulls the blankets over his head to try and end the conversation. 

Reluctantly, Tyler leaves. He doesn’t want to add any more stress, Ryan seems to have enough on his plate. He pauses in the doorway. “Well, if you change your mind and want to talk, you know where to find me.”

* * *

Ryan starts actively avoiding Tyler after their argument. He doesn’t need another person in his life that sees through his bullshit, and he’s not up for more confrontation. Besides, Brendon’s got that role more than covered. Who the hell does Tyler think he is anyway? Like he’s just going to walk in and suddenly all his problems are fixed? Sometimes Tyler’s sunny-eyes optimism gets a little old. 

At meal times, Tyler keeps trying to sit with him but he just gets up and moves to another table. He’s going to do what he always does with his problems, run away. He makes it a point to avoid the hurt expression on Tyler’s face every time he leaves. It’s best if the other just forgets him. 

He ignores him at group sessions to. He waits to be the last one seated so he can pick the chair furthest away from Tyler. He sits there with his eyes fixed on the floor and refuses to participate. Even when Gerard tries to call him out, he keeps quiet. Maybe if he stays still enough they’ll forget he’s even there. Or if he’s lucky, the floor will open up and swallow him whole. He can only dream.

* * *

It's another two days before it hits Ryan seemingly out of nowhere: the overwhelming sense of dread. He feels small, trapped in his own body. His mind is quickly overwhelmed, so loud it feels like the entire audience from one of their shows all yelling at him at once. All this before he’s even opened his eyes for the morning. His mind is still reeling from the lingering feelings of a nightmare he can’t quite remember but also can’t forget. His dad is dead. Henry is gone. Why can’t they grant him at least a little peace? He lays in the bed, awake but his eyes still closed. He knows he won’t fall back asleep now. 

He’s half convinced he’s truly fucking losing it. He doesn’t feel like he’s even real. He tries to lift one of his arms but he can’t. It feels like it’s detached from his body. His brain can hardly form a coherent thought, skipping around like an old, scratched CD. He’s so lost in it that he doesn’t hear the door open. Melanie shakes him awake and his skin feels like fire where she touches him. The all too familiar feeling of an urge starts to take him over. It’s a long moment before his body finally lets him move. He leaps up and pushes her out of the way, stumbling to the toilet. Before the nurse even has the chance to realize what’s going on, Ryan is on his knees with his fingers down his throat. This is a motion that’s just muscle memory. He can do it without thinking. He just needs to give in. Give in before it becomes too much. His throat burns as he empties what little is in his stomach. He thinks he scratched his throat on the way down. He coughs as he spits into the toilet bowl. 

Melanie calls for backup as she tries to physically pull Ryan back from the toilet. “You’ve been doing so well Ryan. Don’t throw that all away. It’s not worth it.”

Ryan pulls away from her, the sensation of being touched only makes him feel more sick. “Don’t touch me.” He whimpers and shrinks as more people appear in the doorway he knows what’s coming next and he’s bound and determined to not let it happen. “None of you get to fucking touch me!”

The others take a step back, following Melanie’s lead. She knees beside him, speaking in a calmer tone. She’s trying to avoid having to upset him more by sedating him. If she can get him to relax then they won’t need to. “Ryan. It’s okay. No one is going to hurt you, but you need to calm down. You know I can’t just let you purge.”

“You don’t understand.” He whimpers. “I have to. It won’t stop unless I do.”

“I’m just trying to help you Ryan. You’ve fought too hard to just give up now.” She insists, reaching for him again. “It’s okay. Just come back and sit on the bed.”

He flinches and hurries to push her hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me. It hurts.”

She pulls her hands back. “Sorry. I won’t touch you then. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on so I can try to help?”

Ryan shakes his head. He can feel bile rise in his throat as he realizes he’s backed into a corner with no way out. He curls up on the cold tile floor with his knees to his chest. He starts to rock back and forth. His mind is going a mile a minute and he can’t sort it out with all these people breathing down his neck. He feels sick. He wants to purge again even though he knows there’s nothing left in him. He knows if he does it they’ll just grab him and sedate him. He feels trapped. Trapped in this shitty little bathroom. And that’s when he feels it, hands tight around his neck, voices whispering unspeakable things in his ear. Suddenly it’s like there’s a vice around his chest. He can’t breathe. He can’t move. He can’t do anything. 

Melanie can’t bear to watch him suffer anymore. She discreetly gestures to her colleague to hand her the sedative. She takes a deep breath as she uncaps the needle. She just feels bad for Ryan. No one deserves to feel this broken. She moves swiftly to grab his arm and administer the drug. She flinches at his scream but manages to hold his arm just long enough to get the drug in. “I’m sorry.” She whispers and she backs away. Now all they have to do is wait. 

Ryan glances up at her with bleary eyes and a look of betrayal. He rubs at the now sore spot on his arms. “I fucking hate you.” He spits angrily. “How could you?”

She frowns as she sits in the doorway. “I’m sorry, Ryan but it had to be done. Just try to relax, okay?”

After a few minutes, Ryan slumps against the wall. He isn’t quite out but he’s pliant enough that they can move him. The nurses drag Ryan back to his bed. 

“Do you think we should restrain him?” Melanie asks as she covers Ryan with the blanket.

The other nurse nods. “I would. He’s a danger to himself right now.” 

Melanie nods with a frown. “Just watch him while I get a restraint kit. She sighs and leaves the room. 

The two remaining nurses look at eachother. “I bet you anything this one’s been cheeking his pills.” 

The other nurse nods. “Seen it once, seen it a thousand times.”

Melanie comes back into the room. “Thanks. I can take it from here.” She sets the cuffs down on the bed as she loosens the straps. The other nurses leave as she is securing one of Ryan’s wrists. This is always her least favourite thing to do to a patient. She’s seen how badly it affects people’s mental health. Once she’s done she puts in an urgent page to his doctor. 

He calls her a minute later. “What’s going on?” He asks.

“It’s Ryan. He just had a really bad mental health episode. I think it’s a culmination of whatever’s been bothering him for the last week. He purged and we had to sedate him. I just wanted to know what you want the next steps to be.” She replies.

“Is he out?” 

“Yes.” Melanie tells him. “And restrained, which I know he’s not going to like.”

“Has he been taking his meds like normal?”

“As far as I know. He takes them every morning.” She answers.

“Take a blood sample from him while he’s asleep so we can make sure he’s taking them. I’ll call the lab company and have them rush the results. How bad was his episode?”

“I’ll draw his blood once we’re finished.” She takes a deep breath. “His episode was pretty bad. He’s very out of it. Whenever we had to touch him he pulled away like he was being shocked.”

“See to it that you take that sample and we can figure out what to do once he’s awake and hopefully a little more coherent.”

After finishing the call she decided that feeding him while he’s out is probably the easiest way to do this. Once she’s done with that she has to take his blood sample. She tries to be as gentle as possible even though she knows Ryan’s out and probably won’t feel it. She doesn’t want to cause him more pain than she has to. As she cleans up her mess she makes a mental note to keep a closer eye on the cameras so she can be there when Ryan wakes up. 

Tyler is waiting in the hallway. He heard the screaming coming from Ryan’s room and it made him nervous. He steps up to Melanie as soon as she comes out of the room. “Hey. Is he okay?”

She nods. “He’s asleep, no need to worry.”

“Are you sure? He’s been struggling so much and it sounded like he was being murdered or something.” Tyler’s voice is laced with worry.

“I can’t give details but he’s okay for now. Just leave him to sleep.” She starts walking back to the nurses station. Her mind is on the phone call she’s going to have to make to Brendon informing him of Ryan’s current state. She isn’t looking forward to it. She sits down and pulls out Ryan’s file to look up the number on his emergency contact form. She holds the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she dials.

Brendon frowns when he sees the facility’s main number pop up on his phone. He knows this can’t be a good sign. He answers it quickly. “Hello?”

“Hello.” The nurse answers back. “Is this Mr. Urie?”

“Yeah. What’s going on? Is Ryan okay?” He asks worriedly. 

“Physically he’s okay, mentally...that’s another story.” She tells him. “He had a breakdown this morning and relapsed with his purging. You told me to inform you if something like this happened.”

Brendon swallows hard. “Do I need to come down at all?”

“I don’t think that’s necessary. We’re trying to keep his stress levels down while we figure out what happened.”

“He’s been off my last few visits with him so I sort of saw this coming.” Brendon sighs. “How bad was his relapse?” 

“Not too bad, but it still has to be reported. His doctor has been made aware and we’re waiting for some test results to come back. The doctor suspects he’s not been taking his meds.” 

Brendon plops down on the couch, feeling like he’s at a loss for what to do. “How does that even happen?”

“You’d be surprised. Patients like this are used to hiding things very well. It’s not the first time it’s happened. From now on he’ll have to open his mouth after taking the pills so we can verify he took them. It’s just to be on the safe side.”

Brendon leans forward to rest his head in his free hand. “Can you have him call me tonight? He missed his usual call yesterday.”

“I’ll do what I can. Do you have any other questions for me?” Melanie asks.

Brendon thinks for a moment, but can’t come up with anything off the top of his head. “No. Just please keep me updated.”

“Of course. Well I have to get back to work so I’ll let you go and call back if anything new happens.”

“Okay. Goodbye.” Brendon hangs up and tosses his phone onto the coffee table. He get up to go talk to Spencer who’s practicing in the other room. 

Spencer stops mid hit when he sees the sullen expression on Brendon’s face. “He relapsed like you were worried about, didn’t he?”

Brendon feels his throat tighten as he nods. “They think he stopped taking his meds. He had a breakdown.”

Spencer slips his drumsticks back into the pouch and glances up. “Do you need me to take you there?”

Brendon shakes his head. “They said they’re trying to keep him calm and that too many people might stress him out. They’re professionals so I guess they’d know.” He sighs. “I just feel like I should’ve done more. I saw this coming a mile away.”

Spencer gets up and pats his friend on the shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s nothing you can do about it. The good news is that if he’s going to relapse, he’s doing it in a place with 24/7 help.

Brendon frowns and sighs. “What if this happens when he’s out of Newgate? What then?”

Spencer just shrugs. “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. It’s all we can do right now.”

* * *

Ryan has no clue what time it is when he wakes up again, but the moment he realizes he’s tied down, panic rises in his gut. He pulls hard at the restraints, trying hard to free himself. All he succeeds in doing is rattling the metal chains against his bed frame. He’s practically thrashing in the bed, trying to get out. He doesn’t like feeling trapped and he feels like the edges of his mind are going fuzzy again. 

Suddenly, he’s back in that bathroom stall, wide eyed and terrified as his hands are taped behind his back. He’s frozen in place and scared to move. He can feel the weight of Henry on him as he leans in to whisper into his ear. Ryan is in a blind panic now. He doesn’t want to let this happen again. The scene continues in his mind only this time, no one comes to save him. Henry wrenches Ryan’s arms up, forcing him to bend over. Ryan screams and tries to thrash out of his grip.

“Ryan!” Melanie yells as she shakes Ryan by the shoulders. His eyes are glazed over and he seems to be deep into some sort of episode. She’s hoping to jolt him out of it. “Ryan! Wake up!” She says, louder this time.

Ryan pulls away from her, starting to cry. His words only come out as garbled sentences as the cruel flashback plays out in his mind. Melanie only catches a few of the words, his plea to stop being hurt. She shakes him again, calling out his name. Ryan gasps like he’s coming out from under water. His eyes are wild until they focus on Melanie. He tries to force her off but his hands are still tied down. All he can do is tug against them. 

“Easy. You’re going to hurt yourself.” She says as she tries to force him to lay back down. She know she can’t give him another sedative so soon so she’s going to have to calm him any way she can. 

“Stop.” He whimpers. Her touch only puts his mind back in that horrible place. He can’t go back there. He’s scared he will. 

Melanie winces as she pins him, afraid she’s just doing more damage by holding him down. “I can’t get you anymore medicine, Ryan.” She tells him. “I need you to take a deep breath for me instead.”

“Let me go!” He slurs as he tries yet again to rank his hands free. He’s only seeming to get more and more panicked. 

“I can’t let you go unless you calm down, Ryan. Please stop before you hurt yourself.” She says softly. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Just let me go!” He cries out, panting heavily from all the effort.

Not sure what else she can do, Melanie decides her best chance of getting Ryan calmed down is to let him out of the restraints. She had to fight him to hold still long enough to undo the buckles. Once both his hands are free, Ryan scrambles away from her. He presses himself into the corner, making himself small.

Melanie can see a few angry looking bruises already forming on Ryan’s wrists. “It’s okay. Just relax. I’m not going to hurt you. You know that.”

Ryan shakes his head and wraps his arms around his legs, curling into more of a ball. “Everyone always hurts me.” He mumbles.

Melanie frowns. “You know that’s not true. Now, try and take a nice deep breath for me. As deep as you can.” 

It takes her the better part of half an hour to get Ryan fully calmed down. She gives him some medication to ease his anxiety before having to put him back in the restraints. Ryan isn’t happy about it, but at least he isn’t thrashing around this time. 

Ryan doesn’t have the words to tell her how traumatic being tied down is. Being overpowered scares the shit out of him. All the people who’ve hurt him in his life overpowered him so easily. The meds are enough to take the edge off but he still feels scared to be in the leather cuffs. He asks Melanie what’s to stop someone from coming to take advantage of him. 

“Don’t be silly. No one else is in this ward but Tyler and you two are friends, right?” She says.

Ryan shrugs. “I don’t fully trust anyone ever.”

Melanie sighs as she looks over at the prepared syringe of food on the table. She’s sure she’s in for a fight to get him to eat. “I need to give you your lunch, Ryan.”

Ryan shakes his head and covers the end of his feeding tube in his hand. “I’m not hungry.” His eyes widen and he tries to push more into the wall.

“I don’t want to fight you on this. You know you need to eat.” She says gently. 

Ryan shakes his head again. “I can’t. I don’t want it.”

“Why not?” She ask, figuring maybe she can try to reason with what little rational mind he has left.

“If you feed me I’ll just purge it.” He threatens. “I don’t want to be fed ever again. Just let me fucking die in peace.” He spits angrily.

Melanie sighs. “That’s not an option. I’m trying to avoid having to put you back in the restraints but if I can’t get you to cooperate that’s what will have to happen.”

Ryan narrows his gaze. “Sadistic bitch.” He murmurs under his breath.

Melanie just lets the comment slide. She’s been called much worse things. “I’m only trying to help you.” She insists. 

“Forcing me to eat isn’t helping.” Ryan rubs at his tired eyes. “So fuck off.”

In the end she can’t convince him to let go of the feeding tube so she can give him his meal. She leaves the room frustrated and informs the doctor of what happened. Just as she hangs up the phone she hears gagging noises from down the hall and runs back to Ryan’s room, yelling for help as she does so. They have no choice but to sedate him just enough to get him back into bed. He’s put back in the cuffs for his own safety. Again, Melanie feeds him while he can’t fight back. She knows it’s not what he wants but it’s what’s best for him. 

* * *

First thing the next morning, Ryan’s blood results are updated in their computer system. Dr. Michael looks them over and confirms that the concentration of meds in his system is nowhere what it should be. The sudden drop off is probably contributing to his current state. He tells the nurse to give him an injectable antipsychotic alongside the rest of his meds. If she can’t get him to take them by mouth then she can grind them and add them into his feeding tube. 

Melanie gets everything ready on a tray and takes it to Ryan’s room. She knocks before opening the door. “Morning.” She says softly.

Ryan just ignores her and looks away. 

“I have to give you a shot real quick. Then I need you to take your meds for me.” She tells him.

Ryan swallows hard. “Shot?”

She nods. “It’ll help ease your mind a little. This must be so exhausting for you.” She puts on a pair of gloves and tears open an alcohol swab as she steps closer. She pushes his shirt sleeve up and wipes an area on his arm.

He pulls away, still not liking touch. “That’s cold.” 

Melanie is just glad he’s restrained for this. “It’ll just be a quick poke and that’s it.” She uncaps the syringe. “Deep breath.”

Ryan closes his eyes tight as he feels the jab in his arm. Everything in his mind is screaming to fight but he manages to push those thoughts back for now. 

“Do you think you can take your pills for me?” She asks gently. 

He’s conflicted. He doesn’t want to start taking the pills again. He didn’t like the way they numbed him and made it hard to think. He’d rather be free of them than ever have to feel that way again.

She grabs the paper cup of pills off the tray. “Do you want me to feed them to you or do you want to do it yourself? I can free one of your hands.”

“I don’t want the pills.” He mumbles, looking away from her.

“That’s not an option. Either you take them or they go in with your food. Your choice.” She tells him firmly. 

“Neither. I don’t want food either.” He tries to pull away but he’s still tethered to the bed. His wrists ache from the effort. 

She sighs and just starts grinding up the pills to add to his food mix. She feels bad about it, but knows this is for his own good. She grabs the end of the feeding tube and hooks on the syringe. 

Ryan tries to pull his head away, tears welling in his eyes. “I said no! Fucking stop.”

She continues on, undeterred. “You’ll feel much better once we get your meds leveled out again.” She tells him as she pushes the plunger on the syringe. 

Ryan whimpers as he feels the uncomfortable sensation of his stomach starting to fill. He’s scared, convinced they’re giving him too much and he’s going to explode.

“Easy.” She says and she flushes the tube. “No need to get worked up. It’s all done.”

* * *

Brendon sighs as he puts the phone down and heads into the kitchen where Spencer is cooking dinner. “That was Newgate. They got his blood work back and he was skipping his meds. They gave him an extra dose with a needle because it's faster acting, so hopefully that brings him out of the episode.”

Spencer stirs the pot of soup and turns to face him. “Hopefully they can get him out of it quickly now that they know what’s wrong.” 

Brendon pulls out a chair and sits down at the table. “They said it’s been pretty bad. They had to restrain him to keep from hurting himself. It’s scary. That’s the one thing I didn’t think he’d ever do. He told me he never self harmed before.”

“He’s under a lot of pressure, Bren. People do things they wouldn’t normally when they’re in stressful situations. There’s nothing you could’ve done differently and no one is to blame.” Spencer shrugs as he ladles the soup into two bowls. 

“They should’ve made sure that he was taking his meds.” Brendon sighs. “Like what kind of shit show do they think they’re running over there?”

“How long did he hide his disorder from us? Is it any stretch to think he’s capable of hiding his meds too?” Spencer sets the bowls on the table and goes to the drawer to grab spoons. He passes one to Brendon and sits down. 

“I guess.” Brendon stirs his soup with the spoon. “I just thought he was growing past all that.” 

“Give it time.” Spencer shrugs. “It’s all we can do.”

“It’s going on two months now. How much time do We have to give it?” Brendon asks, sounding a little dejected. 

“It takes as long as it takes. He’ll get better. I know he will. Once he sets his mind to something he’s stubborn.”

A smile quirks at Brendon’s lips. “That’s true. He was relentless when I first met him. He wouldn’t let me live in peace until I agreed to join the band.” 

Spencer smiles too. “I know it’s hard on both of you but I just know he’s going to be okay.”

* * *

It takes two days for the meds to start taking effect and for Ryan to start coming back to himself. He finally goes down to the cafeteria for breakfast that morning and Tyler is excited to see him, waving him over to their usual table. Ryan gets a coffee and joins him. 

“I missed you, man.” Tyler grins. He’s pretty much forgotten about their disagreement. It’s water under the bridge. He’s just glad that he can see even a glimpse of the old Ryan in the man sitting in front of him. He’s glad to have his friend back. “How are you feeling?”

Ryan shrugs. “I’m alright I guess.”

Tyler nods. “I heard all the screaming and the nurses talking about you. Must’ve been brutal. I’m just glad you’re back in one piece.”

“For now.” Ryan sighs and takes a sip of his coffee. “I have to see Dr. Michael after this and I’m sure he’s going to give me shit about it.”

“Is it true that you relapsed?” He asks. “Everyone’s been talking about it.”

Ryan just feels embarrassed about that. This is the last thing he wants people knowing about him. “Yeah...I was pretty out of it. Don’t really remember much.”

Melanie comes up and taps Ryan on the shoulder. “You’ll have to catch up later, I’m afraid. Dr. Michael is ready for you.”

Ryan sighs and glances back at Tyler as he grabs his coffee cup. “I’ll see you later, dude.” He gets up and follows Melanie out. 

He’s nervous all over again as he sits down across from the doctor. He’s sure the doctor is going to be mad at him. He never could handle people being upset with him. He swallows hard and avoids meeting the doctor’s eyes.

“Well I’m sure you know why you’re here, so let’s just get on with it.” The doctor says. “Why did you stop taking your medication?”

Ryan shrugs and decides it’s best if he just doesn’t answer. He doesn’t think the doctor will understand anyway. He doesn’t even fully understand why he did it. It was an impulsive decision but he’s tired of feeling numbed out from the drugs. 

The doctor frowns a bit. “I’m not angry with you, Ryan. I just need to know why you did it so we can better support you.”

Ryan shakes his head and looks down at the floor, digging the toe of his shoe into the carpet. 

The doctor sighs. “Okay, let’s try it this way. Did you stop taking the medication on purpose? Just give me a yes or no.”

Ryan just gives a “so-so” hand gesture. 

“Care to elaborate?” The doctor asks.

“I don’t like them.” He mumbles.

The doctor purses his lips. “Mental health medications are very dangerous to stop cold turkey like that. If you’re experiencing any of the side effects we talked about before, you should’ve told me or your nurse.”

Ryan curls in on himself. He’s still not 100% back to himself and confrontation just makes him more anxious. “You said you weren’t mad.”

“I’m not.” The doctor defends. “There’s a big difference between concerned and angry. You’re not the only patient to have pulled a similar stunt. You won’t be the last. All I want to do is help you through it, but we’re not going to get anywhere if you act this dismissive.”

Ryan swallows hard and wraps his arms around his middle. “S-sorry.”

“There’s no need to be sorry. Just promise me next time you’ll tell someone if you’re feeling off.” 

“I thought the pills were making me gain.” He lies. He doesn’t want the doctor knowing how mentally fragile he is at the moment. 

“They’re not. Eating regularly is. You need to gain weight.” The doctor insists. “Remember when I told you that you deserve good things? Well, gaining weight is one of those good things.”

“Maybe you see it as one.” Ryan rolls his eyes. “Easy to say when you’re not the one drifting further and further from your goal weight.”

“You know, last time your boyfriend was here I asked him a question.” He starts. “I asked him how much he weighs since you two are similar in age and height. He’s 170, Ryan. You came to us at almost half that. Maybe that will help to put things into perspective.”

“The difference is he looks gorgeous and I looked like a blubbery beached whale.” He feels bile rise in his throat. “He doesn’t weight that though. You’re lying.”

“Brendon doesn’t have a reason to lie to me.” The doctor shrugs. “But I find it hard to believe that weight is the only reason you stopped taking the meds. Why don’t you tell me what else is going on?”

“Nothing.” Ryan grumbles.

“One doesn’t have a psychotic break over nothing.”

Ryan bites his lower lip. “Maybe then you should stop trying to psychoanalyze things that don’t need psychoanalyzing.” He just wants the damn doctor off his back.

“Do you remember anything that happened during it?” The doctor asks. 

Ryan shakes his head. He remembers only bits and pieces but he wishes he didn’t. 

“Your nurse said you screamed a lot about someone hurting you.” The doctor tries to jog his memory.

“I mean are you surprised? So many people have hurt me.” Ryan sighs and glances at the clock, wondering when the hell the doctor will just let him leave. 

“Anyone in specific?” 

Ryan swallows hard as just a glimpse of Henry flashes before his eyes. He’s quick to shake the shocked expression off his face. “N-no.”

“Your father?” The doctor presses.

Ryan slams his fists in his lap. “I fucking said no. Jesus Christ!”

The doctor puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Easy, easy. I’m not trying to upset you. I’m just trying to help you get to the bottom of this.” 

“Maybe I don’t want to get to the bottom of it!” Ryan grew angry. “Maybe I don’t ever want to accept it. Or forgive it. Or whatever bullshit you’re spouting this week. It’ll just have to haunt me forever!” He stands and turns to leave.

“Ryan, wait!” The doctor calls out but Ryan just slams the door behind him. 

Melanie overhears the last of the argument and turns Ryan back towards the office. “You need to go back. He’s just trying to help you.”

Ryan shrugs off her grip. “He’s only making things worse!” 

“Things get harder before they get easier. It’ll be okay but you have to go back.” She nudges him in the direction of the office.

Ryan comes back in a huff. He’s reluctant to sit down, but he does, arms crossed.

The doctor looks up at him. Going off Ryan’s overreaction, he was on to something when he prodded about Ryan’s father. “Now that all of that’s sorted, are you ready to talk?”

Ryan looks down and shakes his head. After a long pause he finally speaks. “It wasn’t my dad.”

The doctor’s eyes widen as it finally clicks for him. Ryan still hasn’t found a healthy way to deal with the trauma Henry put on him. Combined with the lack of meds, no wonder he had a psychotic break. “He can’t hurt you anymore. You need to tell yourself that. Tell yourself and be more gentle with yourself. You can’t heal trauma with more trauma.”

* * *

Ryan finally calls Brendon on the phone that night. It’s been a few days, he guesses. Brendon’s probably worried sick about him. 

“Ry? Is it you?” Brendon asks.

“It’s me.” He replies.

Brendon lets out a huge sigh of relief. “Thank god it’s you. I was worried it was your nurse calling me to tell me something terrible.”

“No. You just get me. I’m sure that’s terrible enough.” Ryan shrugs. 

“I really missed you. I was so worried.” Brendon flops down on his bed. 

“You worry too much.” Ryan dismisses him. 

“I think I worry just the right amount.” Brendon defends as he rolls over on to his side. “You’ve been kind of out of it for a little bit. How are you feeling now?” 

Ryan sighs and shrugs. “I don’t know. Better, I guess. Just still not a hundred percent.”

“What even happened? I feel like your nurse wasn’t telling me the full story because she didn’t want me to freak out and come down there.” 

“I don’t know. I don’t remember all of it. Just overwhelming paranoia, fear and urges.” Ryan tells him quietly. 

“I’m sorry. That can’t be easy.” Brendon says, trying to sympathize. 

“Can I ask you something?” 

Brendon tries his hardest to not let his worry deep into his voice. “Sure, anything.”

“Do you really weigh 170 or was the doctor fucking with me?” Ryan questions.

“I mean give or take a few. Spencer feeds me a little too well these days. Why?” 

Ryan looks down and wraps his free arm around his stomach. “I just keep thinking about them saying how I should weigh 160 and how I can’t do that. I’m failing if I get that fat.” He mumbles.

“Hey, don’t talk like that. Sure 160 seems so far away because of where you are now. Let’s not think that far ahead. Focus on gaining enough for your surgery coming up.” Brendon runs a hand through his hair, wishing he had better things to say. 

“I wanted to be 90.” Ryan admits quietly. “I’m so mad at myself for letting myself gain. I know it’s fucked up.”

Brendon stops and swallows hard at that. He remembers how deathly thin Ryan looked in the hospital. Like if he got any thinner he would just crumble to pieces. “Well you’re not that same person anymore, Ry. You’re better than that. I know you are. People don’t love you because of your weight. They love you because you’re you.” 

Ryan rubs at his tired eyes. “I’m still the same person. Just with no free will. Besides, you’ve only been with me while I’m skinny. What if you change your mind when I’m fat?”

“I don’t care what size you end up as, just as long as you’re healthy and you feel okay in your own skin.” Brendon tries to assure him. “I would never leave someone for their weight. That would just be really shitty.”

“It didn’t stop you the first time.” Ryan’s statement comes out a little more angry than intended.

“I left because I wasn’t prepared to watch you die for a disorder you wouldn’t admit you have. I was scared and I was wrong. I can admit that. But never once did it have anything to do with your weight.” Brendon says truthfully. “And maybe I don’t understand all of your thinking on this. Maybe I never will, but it doesn’t make me love you any less.”

“You’d be so much better off with someone easier to love.” Ryan says, sounding sad. 

“If I wanted things easy in life I wouldn’t have chosen a music career.” Brendon tells him. “Then I would’ve never met you and I’d probably be cutting hair for a living. Maybe things are just meant to happen the way they do.” 

“Good things don’t just happen to me. There’s always a catch. Something always goes wrong.” Ryan tells him. “My whole life is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t just turn that off.”

“I know, baby. You’ll just have to trust that it gets better.” 

“How can you be so optimistic?” Ryan asks.

“One of us has to be.” Brendon shrugs. “I’m really excited to see you tomorrow. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

“You’re too good for me.” Ryan murmurs. “But I’ve missed you too.”

* * *

After Brendon gets off the phone he heads out to the living room. Spencer is watching TV when Brendon sits down on the couch. 

Spencer hits mute on the remote. “You finally hear from him?” He asks.

Brendon nods. “Didn’t do much to lessen my worry though. He doesn’t seem like he’s quite out of the episode yet. Like he’s more coherent but he’s a lot more doom and gloom.”

Spencer nods as he sets the remote down on the coffee table. “What do you mean?”

Brendon sighs and looks down at his feet. “He went on this whole rant about gaining weight and how he wanted to be 90 pounds. He doesn’t think I’ll love him at a healthy weight no matter how much I say it.”

“You’ve just got to remember what the doctor told us. That Ryan’s mind is warped from this disorder. There’s no way he sees what we do. I guess we just have to coax him little by little.” Spencer shrugs.

“I can’t stop thinking about what I’d do if he has a relapse this bad once he’s out.” Brendon bites his lip and shakes his head. 

“It’s not like you’d be handling it alone. We’re all here to support you. I know you’ve seen just as many statistics as I have. We both know he’s likely to relapse. The difference is that he has people to catch him when he falls. But it will get better one day. It has to.” Spencer puts a hand on Brendon’s shoulder and gives it a light squeeze. “This might be a good topic to bring up with your shrink too.”

Brendon shrugs. “It’s just unsettling to hear him talk like that. Like I can’t imagine thinking all these horrible things about yourself. Like everyone has bad self esteem at one point or another it’s just like Ryan got his turned up to eleven at birth.” 

Spencer nods. “I’m sure before he gets out they’ll have a solid plan set up for him. I’m sure they don’t want to see him fail. We’ll all have to adjust but we’ll get him through it.” 

“When do you think he’ll get out?” Brendon asks sadly. “I miss him so much.”

Spencer shrugs. “I’m not sure. Hopefully not too much longer but he should stay as long as he needs.”

Brendon nods. “At least I get to see him tomorrow. This last week without him was torture.”

He pokes Brendon’s side. “Yeah you’ve been more mopey than usual. What do you want for dinner?” He tries to change the subject, hoping to take Brendon’s mind off all this. 

“I’m feeling lazy.” He sprawls across the couch with his head in Spencer’s lap. “Let’s get take out. I’m feeling Thai food.”

“It’s your turn to pay.” Spencer chuckles. “I got it the last like, three times.”

* * *

The next morning when Spencer drops Brendon off he practically runs into the building. He scribbles his name on the sign in shit, gets his visitor sticker and hurries to the day room. He smiles when he sees Ryan waiting in their usual spot. He’s so relieved when Ryan stands up to hug him. He clings on for a long moment, burying his face in Ryan’s shoulder. “I love you so much.” He murmurs against his soft skin. 

Ryan smiles as he leans into Brendon’s warm embrace. “Love you too.” There’s a faint blush on his cheeks when Brendon kisses him. He didn’t realize how much he missed this until now. As they sit down he settles in Brendon’s lap, sighing as Brendon runs a hand down his side.

“How are you feeling?” Brendon asks.

“Better.” Ryan shrugs and lays his head on Brendon’s shoulder.

Brendon moves his hand up to absently comb his finger through Ryan’s hair. “I can tell. Last time you’d hardly even look at me.”

“No one tells you that paranoia is one of the side effects of skipping your meds.” He shrugs. “That was the worst part.”

Brendon is glad to see that little spark seems to be finally back in Ryan’s eyes. Most of all, he’s just happy he gets to hold him again. “Live and learn I guess. Anything new since yesterday?”

Ryan shrugs and after a moment he shakes his head. “Tyler borrowed my guitar during music therapy yesterday. He lost the pick in the hole so I got to laugh at him while watching him try to shake it out.”

Brendon rolls his eyes, but smiles. “God I hate when that happens. My guitar from when I was little probably rattles by now with how many picks its eaten.” He chuckles. “Have you been writing anything while you’ve been here?” He asks.

Ryan nods. “Yeah. It’s not exactly great stuff though. Just some shit I wrote either to vent or when I was literally out of my mind.”

“Maybe instead of clowns we can wear straightjackets on the next tour. Run with the crazy theme.” Brendon jokes.

“How the hell would I play guitar in a straight jacket?” Ryan gives Brendon a weird look.

“Fair point.” He shrugs. 

“I was kinda thinking that maybe when we do the next album we should find some place secluded and hide away for a while to write.” Ryan suggests.

“Me? In the middle of nowhere? Sounds like a recipe for a house fire.” Brendon laughs. “But I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s with you.”

“But I’m sure they’ll want us to finish the damn tour I cancelled first.” Ryan sighs. 

“Yeah that seems to be the plan. They ask me if you’re out at least once a week. But don’t worry about that right now. We’re not going back on the road unless you’re ready.” Brendon hugs him close. 

“I’m not sure if I can face going back out there.” Ryan frowns and looks away.

“Why not?”

“People know. That TMZ article probably got spread around. I can’t stand there in front of all those people knowing they know. It’s like I can feel them all judging me.” Ryan admits with a sigh.

“No one is focusing on that, I promise. Maybe I can shake my ass some more on stage. Then they’ll all watch me instead.” He jokes.

“They already watch you. You’re the only one of us who’s a true natural out there.” Ryan shrugs. 

Brendon smiles. “Maybe. But I wouldn’t be there without you.”

* * *

Ryan picks apart a tissue in his hands as he answers all the usual starter questions, waiting for the doctor to tell him what the focus for the session will be.

“I think today is a good day to finally talk about control.” The doctor starts. “What does that word mean to you?” 

Ryan shrugs. “Same thing it means to everyone, I guess. It’s when you have power over something. You’re the one in the driver’s seat.”

The doctor nods. “What does it mean to you in regards to your eating disorder? What about the cycle of starving and purging made you feel in control?” 

Ryan lets the little bits of shredded tissue fall into his lap as he thinks over his answer.. “I...I uh, controlled it at first, I guess. I didn’t realize until it was too late that it flipped and it was controlling me instead. At that point there was no off switch. But I guess there’s worse ways to lose control. At least I’m not like slitting my wrists or jumping off roof tops.”

“Just because the damage isn’t visible to the naked eye, doesn’t mean it’s not there. The damage that’s happened to your digestive tract should be enough proof of that.” The doctor replies. “When did you notice this shift in control?”

Ryan bites his lip as he thinks back. “I don’t know. At first, it was me deciding to purge. I wanted it. I made myself do it. But then it’s like it creeped up on me. There’s this crawling feeling I get under my skin and it’s like my mind fills up with static. I can’t do anything but do what it says. It’s the only way to get rid of the urge.”

The doctor makes a few more notes and nods. “I can see why that would be very scary. I’m sorry you have to experience that. Does it feel like that every time?”

Ryan nods as he crumples up the tissue bits in his hand. “It’d be easier to explain to people if it were drugs I were addicted to. People can comprehend that. When you say you’re addicted to starving yourself they just smile and tell you to go eat a burger or something. As if it’s that simple. Snap your fingers and I’m cured.”

“There’s a certain stigma around mental illnesses and eating disorders, yes. Especially when it comes to men. People only think of supermodels and actresses when, in reality, anyone can get caught up in it.”

“But it’s almost worse than drugs in a way.” Ryan muses. “At least with that you can get clean, you have something tangible to avoid. Maybe you don’t go to parties and skip hanging out at the bar. You dump your asshole friends who’s only hobbies are getting Easter. You can’t avoid food like that. It’s everywhere. I can say, “oh I don’t drink” and never get so much as a second glance. I skip a dinner invitation and suddenly I’m a monster.”

The doctor nods. “That’s a good point. It’s why the recovery process can be so tough for EDs and why they have such a high rate of mortality. But the whole point of the recovery program is reaching you tactics to deal with the urges and intrusive thoughts.”

Ryan sticks his hands in his jeans pockets. “I’m always going to struggle with this, aren’t I?” He asks nervously.

“I won’t lie to you. Statistics are not on your side. Even people that go through treatment successfully can go back into old habits as soon as they get out. It’s inevitable that you’ll stumble. But there’s no reason you can’t make it to a place where you’re happy. It’ll make the setbacks easier to take when they happen. Time can heal a lot of wounds.”

“It feels weird that I’m the one who gets a second chance. I’ve seen the statistics too, you know. Most people don’t get where I was and get to come back.” He looks down at his lap.

“But you have a second chance. You’re putting the work in to get better even if every step is a struggle. Recovery is worth it. You’re worth it. You deserve to go on, to trust and love again. I’ve seen enough of you to know you’re capable, Ryan.” The doctor tries to encourage.

“Recovery is scary even like, what, two months in now? This shit is just so ingrained in me.” 

Dr. Michael nods his head. “That’s why I’m here, to be with you while we work this out. I know you have a good support system, you need to not fear leaning on them too.”

Ryan shrugs and puts a hand on his knee to stop his leg from bouncing. It’s an old habit born out of anxiety and the deep need to constantly burn calories. “I feel guilty. I already put too much on them. They’re off tour cause of me. They’re getting shit from our label cause of me. What am I going to do if I’m out in the real world and I relapsed? I can’t expect them to save me again.”

“Friendship is give and take, Ryan. Even if it means you have to take a little extra right now doesn’t mean you can’t pay it back later.” The doctor offers. “Tell me, if your boyfriend were sitting here right now instead of you, would you hesitate to support him?”

Ryan shakes his head. “Not even for a second.”

“Then why don’t you think your friends want to treat you with that same kindness and loyalty?”

Ryan looks up at the doctor like something finally clicks in his mind. He opens his mouth to start to argue but quickly shuts it again.

“I want you to think on that for me, alright? Our time is up but I’ll see you again soon.” The doctor smiles.

* * *

Brendon sticks his phone back into his pocket with a deep sigh. “It’s done.” He says as he walks into Spencer’s living room. 

“What’s done?” He asks, pausing his game of Halo. 

“A while back Ryan asked me to find who the hell was informing his mom after she tracked him to the facility. Well, I got the fucker!” Brendon smiles as he plops down in the arm chair.

“Who was it?” Spencer sets the controller down. 

“Some new intern at our management’s office. Turns out she sweet talked him into taking a bribe. The management office has copies of our itineraries. I guess she paid him extra to track down an email with the address of the facility. Needless to say he’s been fired. Our legal team is helping me draw up a restraining order and I’ll take it to Ryan to have him sign it next time I see him.” He smiles with satisfaction.

Spencer giggles and gives a mock salute. “Detective Urie is on the case.” He can’t help but tease. “I’m sure it’ll take some weight off his shoulders to know she can’t mess with him anymore.”

“But wait,” Brendon chuckles. “There’s more.”

Spencer raises an eyebrow.

“While I was on the phone with the lawyer I also got them to look into suing her for slander for the newspaper article. Now I have to get Ryan’s permission but the lawyer thinks it’s a solid case since some of the info she leaked was private medical data. They won’t like, go to jail or anything, but they can be made to pay a good chunk of damages.” Brendon smirks. 

“I don’t think Ryan will care about the money but I’m sure he’s down for giving that woman the legal equivalent of the middle finger. Just to really rub salt in her wounds.” Spencer kicks his feet up on the coffee table. “So when are you gonna tell him?”

Brendon glances up at the clock. “When he calls tonight.”

“The real question though, is...” Spencer grins. “Do you want pancakes for dinner?”

Brendon laughs a little. “Duh.”

* * *

Tyler comes to Ryan’s room during their free time. He has something on his mind and he’s pretty sure that Ryan is the only one here he can ask about it. He knocks gently on the door and enters when he’s told to come in.

Ryan sits up on the bed and shoves an envelope in his book to mark his place. “Oh, hey. What’s up?”

Tyler grabs the chair from the desk set and drags it over to sit near the bed. “I, uh. I kinda sorta need some advice.”

Ryan chuckles at his friend’s sudden nervousness. “About what?”

“How the hell do you tell someone that you like them?” He asks. “I’ve not exactly done this before.”

“Well my friend, you’ve come to the wrong person if you think I’m qualified to give love advice.” Ryan snorts. “My record is pretty pitiful.”

“You’re the only one here I can even ask about this. So are you gonna help me or not?” Tyler feels his cheeks heat up and he hides his face in his hands. 

Ryan finally sets down the book he’s been holding. “Fine, but I’m not to be held responsible for the results.” 

Tyler bites his lip. “There’s a friend of mine I’ve kind of been into for awhile but I think I’ve just been denying my feelings.” Tyler’s blush only deepens when he realizes how that sounds. “Oh god, That sounds-I swear it’s not you I’m into!” He stammers.

Ryan just laughs. “What? I’m not good enough to crush on?” He makes a bunch of missy noises. 

Tyler rolls his eyes. “You’re the worst.” He playfully kicks Ryan in the shin.

“So who’s the lucky girl?” Ryan asks.

Tyler glances down. “That’s the thing. It’s not a girl.” He swallows hard. “Now you know why I couldn’t ask anyone else.”

Ryan smirks. “So tell me about him. What’s he like? What do you like about him?”

Tyler’s blush immediately returns. “Uhm. Oh god. He’s the same age as me. He likes music too. He plays drums…”

Ryan nods, gesturing for him to keep going. “A good start. What else? How’d you meet?”

Tyler smiles. “We met at a friend’s house party, we had mutual friends I guess. The thing is, there’s one big problem… I don’t know if he’s straight or not. I don’t know if  _ I’m  _ straight or not.”

Ryan shrugs. “That might be an important first thing to figure out. That way you don’t get your hopes up for things that aren’t possible.” He suggests.

“How did you tell Brendon you liked him?” Tyler asks.

Ryan shrugs. “I’ve never been that good with words. Not out loud. I was in a similar situation to you, I guess. I liked Brendon. I had no clue if the feeling was mutual. There was definitely a connection there but I don’t think either of us were really prepared for it. After the band got out signing bonus I moved out of Spencer’s house and into my own place. I asked Brendon to help me move. Maybe not the most romantic of setups but we were moving in my stupid couch and I ended up kissing him. I don’t think we ever even talked about what we were for a long time after. If I have any advice it’s 1.) don’t fuck on the first date and if you do, tread carefully, and 2.) in the end, you have to be honest even if it’s hard.” 

Tyler chuckles. “For someone who says they give shitty advice, you actually give pretty solid advice.” 

Ryan smiles and winks. “So when are you gonna tell him?”

“Not till I get out of here. I don’t want to make things more awkward than they have to be. I’ve been talking to him on the phone a bunch so I guess it gives me plenty of time to test the waters.” Tyler shrugs. 

“You’ll have to let me know how it goes.” 

Tyler smiles and nods. “Of course.”

* * *

Spencer tugs a hoodie on as he walks out of the bedroom. “Hurry up, B or you’re gonna be late for your appointment.” He heads to the front door to slip on his shoes and grab his keys.

Brendon grumbles as he comes down the hallway. “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming. Hold your horses.”

Spencer holds the door for him then locks it behind them. He drops down in the driver's seat and immediately cranks up the air conditioning, sweating from just the quick walk to the car. “Remind me again why we stayed in Vegas?”

Brendon chuckles. “But it’s a ‘dry heat’ Spence!” He buckles his seatbelt as they back out of the driveway. He stares out the window as Spencer drives him to the therapist's office. He has a love-hate relationship with these appointments. They really have helped him to gain insight where he didn’t have it before. He just wishes he didn’t have to pay through the nose and listen to an hour of therapist double-speak to get to that point. Brendon has a low tolerance for bullshit. Don’t dance around the point, just get to it already. Maybe that’s just his ADHD talking, though.

Spencer decides they have just enough time to stop for coffee and takes them through the nearest Starbucks drive thru. He knows Brendon’s usual order off by heart. When he gets the drinks he passes one and a straw to Brendon. “No need to look so gloomy. You’re going to the therapist, not the dentist.”

Brendon shrugs as he stabs his straw into his drink lid and uses it to stir his macchiato. “I mean both are like pulling teeth, so.” 

Spencer pulls back out onto the street. “It can't be  _ that  _ bad.” He rolls his eyes. “We’ll be there in a couple minutes.”

Brendon just sips at his drink as he watches the world pass by out the window. He’s jolted out of his day dream when he hears the car shut off. He blinks and realizes they’re here. “Guess I’ll see you in an hour then.”

Spencer nods and unlocks his door. “See you then.” 

Brendon reluctantly gets out and heads inside. He signs in for his appointment. The receptionist tells him the doctor is running a little behind today. He sighs and picks up one of the waiting room magazines and sits down. It’s another fifteen minutes before he’s finally called back.

“Sorry for the delay.” The doctor apologizes as they shuffle a stack of papers. “I got an unexpected emergency call.”

Brendon shrugs as he sits down. “It’s okay. I’m not in a rush.”

“Alright so I believe you wanted to continue where we left off last time…” the doctor opens Brendon’s file. “Ah, we were working on how you feel affected by your partner’s eating disorder.”

“It sounds kinda douchey when you say it like that.” Brendon frowns. “I’m not trying to sound selfish. I’m not the one who has to suffer the disorder, I just have to clean up the aftermath.”

“It’s okay to be a little selfish in here.” Dr. Keele tells him. “It’s safe. You aren’t hurting anyone by telling me what you’re feeling.” 

“He had a bad relapse last week after having a psychotic break. It was scary. I’ve never seen him like that, but apparently it was just him skipping out on his meds. He’s more stable now but I still worry about him. I just can’t stop thinking about what comes next. What if we’re out on the road and he relapses? How are we gonna handle it?”

The doctor flips the notebook to a blank page. “I think a good place to start will be making sure that you have a solid base of coping skills to fall back on if things go south. You’ve said many times that you want to be the one to support him, and I believe you, but every support structure needs a solid foundation.”

Brendon sighs. “I’m falling back into the whole self doubt cycle thing again, aren’t it.”

The doctor nods. “But, you’re starting to recognize it now. That’s a step forward. I’m sure the rehab Center will brief you on all the things you need to help Ryan, but maybe we can brainstorm a few of these coping mechanisms to get you started.” They take a deep breath and glance up at Brendon. “Let’s start with this scenario: your partner is home, but you’re overwhelmed because he refuses a meal. Tell me how you’d react right now, and then we’ll modify it into a more appropriate reaction.”

Brendon frowns and looks down at his hands folded in his lap. “My first reaction is to blame myself. Did I not read his meal plans close enough? Did I not cook the right food? Did I say something to set him off?”

“You’re a very empathetic person, Brendon. It’s a great trait to have but it can also work to your detriment. Not everything that happens is your fault. Not everything has an immediate solution. You have to accept that. Take a deep breath, and let those feelings ease.” He guides him in a simple breathing exercise. “Now, think about that situation again. What do you think a better response would be?”

Brendon shrugs and rubs at his eyes. “I guess the fastest solution would probably be to ask him what’s wrong and what kind of help he needs. Then, if I still can’t help him on my own, call for backup.”

The doctor nods with approval. “Perhaps a good skill to practice is when you feel all this guilt and worry, take a step back. Maybe do a breathing exercise like we just did, and with a more rational mind, look for a solution. You might not be right the first time, and that’s okay. To learn from our mistakes is human.” He hands Brendon a couple of worksheets. “You can have a look over these before our next session. I’m afraid we’re out of time for today.

Brendon takes the papers and thanks him before heading out of the office. He reads them over as he walks to the lobby to wait for Spencer.

* * *

The rest of the month seems to pass by in a blur, but the one thing that still has Ryan on edge is his surgery date. The doctor told him at the end of last month he was on track for his surgery weight. Even that seemed like a lofty goal back then. He sneaks a glance at the scale while they’re doing his pre-op check up. He’s over that goal by almost nine pounds. He quickly adds it up in his head. 123. He can’t remember the last time he weighed that much, but it has to be years ago. 

Brendon notices the shift in expression on Ryan’s face when he’s brought back to the hospital room. “What’s wrong, baby?” He reaches for Ryan’s hand once he’s settled back in the bed.

Ryan shrugs. “Just wasn’t expecting to have gained that much. I’m 123 pounds.”

Brendon smiles. “That’s really good news. You had to be at like 115 for surgery right? So this is even better.” He squeezes his hand. 

“It’s bittersweet.” Ryan muses. “I want it but at the same time I don’t. I just wish it wasn’t always like this.”

“It won’t be. Your mindset has already changed a lot even if you don’t realize it.” Brendon moves to sit on the edge of the bed. “You used to cry over gaining a single pound. You just took the news that you gained a few like it’s nothing.” He smiles. “I’m really proud of you.” 

Ryan smiles softly and grabs onto Brendon’s wrist, pulling him in for a kiss. He hums against his lips when Brendon’s hands come up and cup his face. Ryan immediately blushes when a nurse stops in the door and loudly clears her throat. 

“Sorry to interrupt but they’re ready for him downstairs.” The nurse tells him.

Nervous, Ryan steals one last quick kiss. Brendon squeezes his hand. “I’ll be here when you wake up. You’ll be okay.” Brendon murmurs as he gets up off the bed. He watches as they wheel the bed out of the room. He follows after them until they point him in the direction of a waiting room. He waves goodbye as they take him away. 

One step closer, Brendon tries to assure himself. This surgery is just going to bring Ryan one step closer to being able to come home. He sits down with a sigh. None of that thinking makes him any less nervous, 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters might take a week or two from now on but I will definitely finish this story. I just need to stop feeling like I have to rush to keep forward momentum cause I know I’ll only get burned out that way. Yeah, anyway tl;dr updates are coming, just have patience :)


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